Fox Mulder from The X-Files vs. Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings: Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound

 

Ghostbusters: Spectral Shenanigans, Vol. 1

BOOK TITLE: Ghostbusters: Spectral Shenanigans, Vol. 1

AUTHOR: Erik Burnham

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Paranormal Comedy

GRADE: A

 

Sometimes a piece of literature doesn’t have to be super complex in order to earn an A grade from me. It can just be good simple fun like this one was. That’s really all I want from the books I read: to enjoy them and recommend them to anyone else who might be listening. And really, what’s not to love about the Ghostbusters franchise? If you’ve seen the 1980’s films or the cartoon that came out in the same decade, you know what you’re going to get with this series of comics: witty dialogue, paranormal goodness, slime (lots of slime), and main characters who play off each other’s flaws and strengths perfectly. Yes, Peter Venkmann is a creepy ladies’ man, but he’s a likeable creepy ladies’ man with friends who will keep him in check. He’s also a bit whiny when it comes to hard work, which is actually quite relatable. I can’t find any major flaws in this graphic novel, or maybe I really did want to enjoy it and I got my wish.

 

Even with the simplicity of the various plots, there’s one story that managed to stick out in my mind as kind of a heartbreaker. It’s the one where Egon Spengler tracks down an old college friend who carries death in a little pocket dimension. The friend was killed in a major car wreck, but you wouldn’t know that by the fact that he’s still walking around. The thing is, he doesn’t want to be transported to the other side. He wants to live his life and do all the things he wanted to do before the crash. We as the audience are so used to slimy creatures getting zapped with nuclear lasers that we don’t often see little nuggets of philosophy like this one. Will Egon send his friend to the netherworld like his job entails or will he just let it slide out of sympathy? That’s something you’re going to wrestle with for a while even after that particular story ends.

 

Another story that caught my attention was the final one where one of the Ghostbusters (I don’t remember which one) picks up a strange woman on the side of the road and tries to take her home. The only thing stopping him from doing that, of course, is the truck driver ghost who keeps stalking her. Nobody ever drove on these roads and lived to tell about it. Even if you believe this story has a happy conclusion, you still get chills from how it ended. You want to learn more about what the hell happened. You might want to pick up volume two to figure things out. These stories are too funny to be legitimately frightening, but this ending story comes pretty close once it draws to its conclusion. I won’t spoil the ending, but you’ve been warned.

 

One last note before I go: there’s a series of stories that take place when the Ghostbusters drive around America looking for jobs to do. They go to places like Detroit, New Orleans, Area 51, and a city close to where I live, Seattle. The attention to detail and the accuracies of how these cities are portrayed is one way for the author to flex his research muscles. Seattle actually looked like Seattle, Pike Place Market and all. Area 51 had all the aliens you could ask for, but the Ghostbusters knew that they were really ghosts. I love that even in a supernatural environment, aliens are treated with the same skepticism that they are in the real world. That made me chuckle on the inside. New Orleans was a metaphorical gold mine for ghosts given the city’s history with necromancy and voodoo, which is again accurate. These details go to show how important research is to an author’s success. I’m jealous!

 

As I said at the start of this review, this graphic novel and all the stories within don’t have any flaws that jump out at me. Yes, it’s not the most philosophical or groundbreaking thing I’ve ever read, but then again, it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes I just want to have a good time. Sometimes I just want to escape my reality for a little while. Is that alright with everyone here? This book gets a perfect five out of five. It’s a nice return to reading for me and that’s all I really need.

En Taro Adun, Space Cadet

“Yoooooooou’re listening to 113.5 WACK FM radio, the conspiracy station. I’m your host Nikki Roman and this is Stargazer Hour episode 750. Before we get into today’s episode, I want to say a quick thank you to this station’s sponsors. 

This episode is brought to you by Raid: Shadow Legends, the only fantasy online RPG where having a giant sword is considered a personality trait and being an ugly goblin is considered a character flaw. 

And also by Noom, the weight loss app for your phone that uses psychology to help you reach your goals. Whether you want that smoking hot beach body or you want to trigger your anorexia, Noom has you covered like a mortician’s body bag. 

And finally by Stuck in the Mud, the newest flavor of chocolate ice cream for anybody who wants to look like a Human Centipede character while eating it. It goes perfectly with that Noom app I mentioned earlier, especially if it’s bulimia you want to trigger instead of anorexia.

Now that our housekeeping is out of the way, I’d like to introduce today’s guest. He’s been itching to come onto the show for a long time, almost as much as he likes to itch his lesion-covered testicles. Please welcome alien skeptic, Bernardino Coffin. Yes, that is what it says on his driver’s license. No, it is not his incel name, but you’d be forgiven if you thought otherwise. Welcome to the show, Mr. Coffin.”

Throughout the sponsorship housekeeping, Nikki kept an eye on the polo shirt-wearing, neck-bearded man sitting across from her booth as his eyes widened in amazement at the studio doodads. In addition to sound equipment and microphones up to yin-yang, elongated purple fingers hung on the walls as well as a transmorgrant for an alien fetus and a lava lamp that looked like a xenomorph jacked off into it.

Bernardino smiled, spread his fingers in a Live Long gesture, and said, “En Taro Adun, Space Cadet. I come in peace.”

“You play one game of Starcraft and you think you can kick my ass in an alien debate? I hope that’s not the only ammunition you brought with you tonight.” Nikki adjusted her purple skull cap as well as her thick-rimmed glasses, not giving away any sign of intimidation.

Bernardino shook his head. “You honestly believe there are aliens out there? Yes, I AM arrogant enough to believe we’re the only ones in this universe. I haven’t seen jack shit ever since you started this stupid radio show. You got a telescope around here? How about a rocket ship? Seriously, where are all these aliens you keep talking about?”

“Clearly, you neglected to do your research before coming here tonight. And no, playing computer games from the 90’s doesn’t count as research and neither does watching Star Wars. George Lucas isn’t in the business of making documentaries, honey.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Nikki reached down into the fridge underneath her booth and pulled out a canister of green slime, unscrewing the top before taking a heavenly sniff of its contents. She fanned herself off for extra effect. “You know what this is?”

“Gonorrhea?”

Nikki chuckled. “No. This is xenomorph blood, my friend. Found this cutie in an abandoned government lab. You’d think they’d want to take stuff like this with them, but apparently it’s not much of a priority and that’s why I have this show. It’s got all sorts of nutrients and DNA and shit. Tastes good too. Want a drink?”

Bernardino’s face contorted in disgust. “No!”

“Fine. More for me.” Nikki downed the canister in record time, making uncomfortable glugging noises with her giant throat. “Mmm! This is some tasty shit! If you like sugary shit, give this a try sometime. Me? I don’t normally drink stuff like this because my boyfriend is a diabetic, which pretty much means I don’t get any sugar either. I do love this stuff, though. It’s like what would happen if the Protoss fucked a can of Mountain Dew.”

“P…Protoss?” Bernardino’s breathing grew heavier as he became visibly nervous. “You just said playing Starcraft didn’t count as research. Now it does?”

“Yeah, playing Starcraft doesn’t count as research. But interviewing the characters does.”

“…HUH?!” Bernardino’s eyes bulged in confusion.

“It’s amazing what you can learn about a culture if you actually sit down and talk with someone. They’ve been at war for seemingly their entire existence with the Zerg. The two races were pretty much made to do battle with each other. You don’t carry warp blades with you unless you’re prepared to slice a zergling in half with one of those. Conversely, you don’t spit acid in someone’s face unless you were trying to kill his ass.”

“…You’re goofy.”

“Really? Does that make you Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse? I really want to know, because I hear Space Mountain is lovely this time of year. If the sunlight hits the Martian mountain at just the right angle, you’ve got these lovely colors blasting everywhere like an Aurora Borealis.”

“…You’re not making a lick of sense…”

Nikki shrugged. “Are you sure you don’t want to see more alien devices? I’ve got one that goes up your…”

“Dude!” The room went uncomfortably silent. “Nobody knows what the fuck you’re talking about. You’re just rambling about stupid random nonsense that nobody cares about. You accuse me of not researching your wacky ideas? Well, guess what, Nikki? You didn’t research my name. You have no idea who I am, do you?”

Nikki remained calm and cool throughout the insanity accusations. “If I Google your name right now, am I going to find your Reddit Manosphere posts? I’m sure those Jordan Peterson quotes are going to make you sound even saner than me right now.” She huffed. “Lobsters. Give me a break. Although, if you really want to find aliens with grabber claws, you should look into studying life on Jupiter. They’ve got some whoppers over there. Yeah, I know the planet is mostly gas that no one in their right mind would want to breathe in, but…”

“Right mind?!” Bernardino clasped his hands over his own skull. “Do you hear yourself? If you would have Googled my name, you would have seen that I work in a psychiatric ward. I published a book about alien conspiracy theorists years ago.”

“Is that where you met your Reddit fans?”

Bernardino whipped out his smart phone and punched a few buttons before showing Nikki something that made her own eyes bulge out of her head in disbelief. “You see that chart? See that? That line nose-diving onto the X-axis is your listener base. You are hemorrhaging audience members! They played along with your bullshit because they like sci-fi and all that, but now you’re just unhinged. How often to people actually call into your show, Nikki?”

She was speechless as the life in her eyes slowly faded.

“How many people, Nikki?!”

Still no answer.

“That’s what I thought. I’m inclined to have you committed right now. We’ve got all sorts of ‘alien devices’ at the psych ward. You’re perfect for us!” A confident smile crept across Bernardino’s face. “Although…there is one way you can still make a living.”

“…Uh-oh…” Nikki’s tummy rumbled underneath her blue and white tie-dye hoodie.

“If this radio show doesn’t work out for you, and it won’t…then you can always sell feet pics for Bit Coin.” Bernardino’s shit-eating grin was in full-effect.

Then again, so was Nikki’s. “You know what? You’re right! With that kind of money, I can get all the insulin I want for my BF. It all makes sense now. Got your camera phone ready?”

“…I was just joking, but…”

“No, no, no, get that camera ready. I’ve got some tootsies for you!”

Bernardino nervously huffed, but nonetheless maintained his smile, got his phone’s camera ready, and said, “Okay! Whenever you’re ready!”

Just like that, Nikki slipped off her flip-flops and planted her tootsies on the booth. But instead of a supermodel moment, Bernardino’s eyes widened with fear. He shook so hard that he dropped his phone and struggled to pick it up again. They weren’t ordinary feet. They were dinosaur-like with purple scales, large soles, and bloody talons that looked like they could slice through steel like a birthday cake.

“Go on! Snap a few pictures. Make me famous!” No response, just more shaking on Bernardino Coffin’s part. “Okay, so maybe you’re not a foot guy after all. Maybe you’d like some tail instead.” Nikki pulled her black jeans down and revealed purple scaly legs with a dripping red scorpion tail attached to the top of her ass. Bernardino dropped to his own ass and slowly inched away.

Nikki pulled off her hoodie and revealed more scaly flesh as well as gigantic bat wings, also with talons and blades, thousands of them, in fact. She then ripped off her human face and revealed a hideous dragon visage underneath, with spiky teeth, a slurpy snake tongue, and glowing gold eyes. By this point in the transformation, Bernardino was pissing himself.

“You still think this is a joke, Dr. Coffin?” Nikki asked in a distorted multi-layered voice. “You still think I’m just a conspiracy theorist with lapsed fans?! Go ahead! Take as many pictures as you’d like!”

Despite the fact that his arm was vibrating like a seizure victim, Bernardino managed to snap a few nice ones on his phone. He even got out a few jittery words. “Y..yeah…yeah...that’s how you get people to believe you…don’t tell them aliens exist…show them?” Dr. Coffin shielded his face with his hairy arms.

Nikki giggled in that sinister voice of hers. “Show, don’t tell. The most basic rule of storytelling and I completely neglected it. Having a radio show instead of a podcast didn’t help matters. Nonetheless…my secret is out. There is life in other worlds. There is a whole family of creatures like me waiting in the outer reaches. My people will be invaded just like any other colonial conquest you humans are known for. But at least you got your proof and I got my ratings back…Isn’t that lovely…”

She swatted away her recording equipment and marched towards Bernardino’s convulsing body while he pleaded, “No!” over and over again. She opened the tip of her scorpion tail as well as the tips of her wing blades and spiked mouth. With all of her frightening limbs, she chomped down on Bernardino’s body and began sucking his life force dry. Every liter of blood. Every chunk of flesh. Every salty morsel of bone marrow. Every muscle fiber on a body not known for Greek god definition. But most importantly, every scream that came out of Bernardino Coffin’s mouth was every bit as delicious and heavenly as the body itself. In fact, his screams tasted like chicken, which went well with xenomorph blood, the Noom app, and Stuck in the Mud ice cream.

Once Bernardino Coffin was wiped completely clean from human existence, Nikki rubbed her tummy and said, “You know what? I could get used to eating this many humans. If they’re coming at me with gauss rifles and shit…I’m coming at them with salt and pepper! And maybe some ketchup. I like ketchup.”

Why I Don't Believe in Aliens

I don’t want it to seem like I’m breaking a longstanding oath to the Jedi order, because in order to do that, I’d have to acknowledge the slim possibility of Jedi knights being real. I’d have to watch Star Wars and Star Trek like they’re documentaries. I’d have to play Starcraft like I’m reviving Kriegspiel. These things that I’ve mentioned are labeled as science-fiction, keyword there being fiction. If they were nonfiction, our world would be fucked, even more so than it is now in the year 2020 with Corona Virus and governmental tyranny. Okay, so we MIGHT have a Jabba the Hutt look-alike in the oval office right now, but that’s as close to admitting the realness of aliens that you will get from me. That’s right. I can’t believe I have to say this, but I’m going to anyways. My name is Garrison…and I don’t believe in aliens. Never have, never will.

Aliens do make for some interesting creative fuel, I’ll admit. I played the hell out of Starcraft from 2000 to 2001. I slashed the shit out of everyone with the Protoss zealots’ photon blades. I ate space marines alive with the Zerg’s blade-fanged Ultralisk creature. Every piece of fiction I’ve ever written during that time period was basically Starcraft thievery, which I would get defensive about because I didn’t want to get stuck in a frivolous copyright lawsuit. But let’s be real: Zerglings, Ultralisks, Hydralisks, Protoss dragoons, Protoss carriers, Protoss templars, they can only be enjoyed on a fictional basis. If these biological monstrosities existed in the real world, they would ransack the shit out of earth and we’d be completely defenseless. How’s that Space Force working out for you, Mr. President?

I know I’m going to hear the argument somewhere down the line, “Well, Garrison, are you so arrogant that you believe earthlings are the only ones who exist in the universe?” Until I see otherwise, yes, I am. Where are all these lizard people that I keep hearing about? Where are the goopy Martians with their slime-covered bodies and bug eyes? When is Darth Vader going to destroy the world with his Death Star? I don’t see any of these things. I don’t pick up on them with my other senses either. If I can’t sense them in any way, I’m not going to believe in them just because there’s a small chance they MIGHT exist outside of the Milky Way.

I treat extraterrestrial life with the same amount of skepticism that I do religious deities, which is to say I’m an atheist through and through. If I don’t believe God, Allah, or Shiva exist, why would I suddenly believe that aliens exist? Religion and alien culture have the same amount of proof to convince me, which is to say none at all. This is just my take on it, though. If other people want to practice religion or believe in wacky ideas, I’m not going to try and stop them. Me personally? I refuse to believe in something I have no proof exists. And as long as we’re crossing gods and aliens off the list, where’s all the zeal for other fantasy and sci-fi creatures? What about ogres? What about goblins? Or elves? Or dragons? Or big ass tarantulas? How come the people who put so much stock into aliens don’t believe in those things as well? “Are you so arrogant that you believe elves don’t share this world with us?”

Like I said before: aliens should be treated as fictional characters in enjoyable science-fiction. They should not influence politics on any level. We should not have radio show hosts and podcasters spouting conspiracy theories about aliens poisoning our drinking water or shoving rods up our asses. We shouldn’t have conspiracy theories about anything else as well, whether it’s Obama being from Kenya, the earth being flat, pizza shops being safe havens for pedophiles, or COVID-19 being a hoax designed to derail conservatives. The silliness alone seems harmless and can even be explored in filmmaking or story writing, but the minute people start dying in the real world over them, that’s when I have a problem. Hundreds of thousands of people have died from COVID-19 because the public and its politicians aren’t taking it seriously. What does this have to do with aliens? I don’t know, but I bet their existence could be shoehorned into these theories to gain political leverage. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again.

You know what I really love about alien culture? This idea of anal probing, which was made popular by that season one episode of South Park where Cartman gets a metal rod shoved up his ass. Later in the episode, the rod expands into a satellite dish that communicates with extraterrestrials. Please tell me you don’t think South Park is nonfiction. Just laugh at the comedy. Don’t take it too seriously. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of the show, don’t take life too seriously and they would encourage their audience to follow suit. Nobody’s going to shove a glowing metal rod up your ass. If they do, you’re probably stuck in a BDSM dungeon. Or the pawn shop from Pulp Fiction, one of the two.

I know I’m ranting and raving over here, but I actually have a message to go along with this aggression. If you’re going to believe in something, don’t use that as an excuse to hurt others. You can believe in Jesus all you want, but don’t beat up LGBT members because of it. You can believe in aliens all you want, but don’t use that as an excuse to influence world politics and radicalize already unstable people. Do whatever you want to do as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else.

Nobody will mind if you watch Star Trek: the Original Series and be blown away by the philosophical nature of it. Nobody will mind if you enjoyed all nine episodes of Star Wars instead of just episodes four through six. Nobody will mind if you play Starcraft until your ass is sore from sitting for so long (and not because the Protoss shoved a photon rod up your anus). If we could all just agree to get along and not hurt each other, the world would be a better place. Write that sci-fi novel. Write that lizard man movie script. Put together a videogame about venomous blobs of goo from Jupiter and Saturn. Do what Nickelback did in the song “Million Miles an Hour” and travel through the galaxy after taking that “everlasting pill”. Do what you want and don’t be a dick!

If you have anything you want to add to this conversation, speak now before the UFO comes to my house and pulls me onboard with their tractor beam! Ooo, I know! Why do UFO’s have to be circular disks? Why can’t they be any other shape? How about a cylinder? How about a trapezoid? How about a pyramid? Imagine a pyramid-shaped vessel that could spin in circles like a drill and mine our precious resources from the depths of the planet. Now that’s a hell of a novel prompt! Don’t worry, I’m not trying to stir shit up and make you even more paranoid than you already are. But just imagine the possibilities of a spinning pyramid ship helmed by elven warlocks and dragon necromancers. Imagine that they’re harvesting our oil to fuel an even greater weapon to use against the ogre and Protoss alliance, crushing their oppressors once and for all! Now there’re no excuses for a blank page!

Zombie Sex

VERSE 1

We need to talk about aliens and lizard men

I don’t even believe nor will I try to pretend

We need to talk about your conspiracy theories

And how you should save them for stories and queries

You can play with my brain like a lump of clay

Just kidding, little lady, there ain’t no fucking way

You believe in the strange, but not a witch’s hex

It was all supposed to lead up to zombie sex

Come here, baby

Zombie sex

VERSE 2

We need to talk about guns and the ammo inside them

And how you wear a big ass trench coat to hide them

Who exactly are you defending your white ass from?

If you need some gas money, I can loan you some

You can spray paint my brains all over the sidewalk

Just kidding, sweetheart, put away the body chalk

You can shoot like a cowboy sheriff named Tex

But I won’t give into your calls for zombie sex

Come here, lovely

Zombie sex

VERSE 3

We need to talk about the k-pop you blast from your speakers

And the trippy techno beats you play for the tweekers

And the hip-hop bass shattering my bedroom windows

If you explode my brain, that would make you a widow

Burn me a copy of what you’ll put on the loop

Just kidding, baby cakes, I like heavy metal groups

You can blow my eardrums on records and tape decks

I won’t change my tastes for a night of zombie sex

Come here, angel

Zombie sex

FINAL VERSE

I march to the beat of my own two bass drums

I won’t conform to you, do you think I’m dumb?

A real lady wouldn’t ask her man to change

Even if it means the love is far out of range

I don’t have the body of an incubus seducer

I just have the mind of a creative producer

When you take that away, what will you take next?

An hour of my time for vanilla zombie sex?

No way, baby

No zombie sex this time

No way, sweetheart

No tradeoff for my mind

Dark Phoenix

MOVIE TITLE: Dark Phoenix

DIRECTOR: Simon Kinberg

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Superhero Adventure

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Pass

While the X-Men are performing a space mission to rescue astronauts from a spinning shuttle, telepath Jean Grey absorbs a fiery supernova into her body and becomes even more powerful than she already is. Before she has the chance to celebrate with her fellow mutants, her powers spin out of control and cost loved ones their lives. With the human world and some of her own X-Men turning against her, Jean struggles to find acceptance despite her godlike and lethal abilities. While she’s figuring herself out, an alien race known as the D’Bari want to harvest her powers so that they can rebuild the world they lost due to the supernova. Not a friend in the world can save her now.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m part of the minority that actually liked this movie. I know I’m on an island when it comes to Jean Grey’s character development and her extreme case of Impostor Syndrome. People are dying all around her and she (sometimes rightfully) believes it’s her own fault. She wants to do good things in a world that has a fragile relationship with mutants, but she hasn’t mastered her newfound powers yet and she can’t help herself when she gets explosive. Imagine having your own low self-esteem confirmed by pretty much everyone around you and there’s no evidence left to prove yourself wrong. That hurts. It hurts so much that normal people who watch this movie can relate to it (sans murder). Does someone out in the world still love Jean Grey? Does someone out in the world still love us all? I guess we’ll never know until the dead end.

An even more imperfect character is Professor Charles Xavier, owner of the mutant school that houses the X-Men. Comic book fans know him as the super intelligent, ultra wise leader who can solve any problem with his wits. But even he makes the gravest mistakes sometimes and he becomes just as much to blame as Jean Grey. Using the X-Men as a superhero taskforce was his idea to earn goodwill with the human race. Some mutants don’t want their lives risked in such a way and I can’t say I blame them. Yet I continued to feel heartbroken during Charles’s most downtrodden moments. I wanted him to redeem himself and show Jean Grey that someone out there still cares for her. Excellent performance by James McAvoy, the actor who played Charles Xavier.

Jean Grey and Charles Xavier aren’t the only characters in this movie that have valid points. All of the characters do from Beast to Storm to Magneto himself. If I remember correctly, this was one of the director’s goals for the film: everybody is right and a healthy debate among the audience is encouraged. This is the dictionary definition of a 3D character. Not even the villains will admit that they’re wrong. You’ll never see an X-Men character named Captain Evil or Kitten Stomper. You know why? Because just like in real life, we all like to believe that we’re the good guys despite our flaws.

I’m plainly aware of how much hate this film has gotten since its release. It holds a below thirty percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s even been called the worst movie of the X-Men franchise by many critics. But I don’t have a one-way ticket aboard the hate train. I came into the movie theater wanting to be entertained and that’s exactly what happened. I was so entertained that I considered giving this movie an Extra Credit grade during the ride home. But the reason it earned only a passing grade was because the social impact couldn’t compare to other great superhero movies like Black Panther and Wonder Woman. Otherwise, great job, Marvel!

Captain Marvel

MOVIE TITLE: Captain Marvel

DIRECTORS: Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Superhero Science-Fiction

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Pass

In the year 1995, the technologically superior Kree civilization is in a never-ending war with shape-shifting aliens known as Skrulls. When amnesic warrior Vers and her squadron of Kree soldiers botch a mission to rescue an undercover agent, she finds herself trapped on planet earth with familiar clues to her past. The more she investigates, the more suspicious she becomes of her own Kree brethren. Political conspiracies are unraveled to where Vers doesn’t even know who to trust anymore. Whatever it is she finds, she’ll have to prepare for the fight of her life, part of which includes wrestling with her emotions in the heat of battle.

I must confess, when I saw the first few minutes of this movie, I thought it was going to be another cut-and-paste superhero movie. But the thing with Marvel movies is that they always surprise you just when you think you’re comfortable with the formula. Sure, we get witty banter from the likes of Vers and Shield Agent Nick Fury. We also get the obligatory big fight feel with the future at stake. We also get a well-crafted conspiracy that gains new wrinkles throughout the movie. But what drives all of these fun parts home are characters we can actually care about instead of just being told to cheer because they’re superheroes. I cared about Vers’s lost memories. I cared about her friends. I even cared about the villains because of how cold and callous they were. This is a character-driven story about non-conformity; how can the audience go wrong?

Speaking of characters I care deeply about, how about the precious orange kitty Goose? Who’s a good kitty? Goose is a good kitty! He rubs his head against everyone, he purrs like a lawnmower, he floats through the air in zero gravity conditions, and he even has a little twist in his character near the end. I won’t say what the twist is, but when you get there, not only will it give you a good chuckle, but you’ll want to cheer for Goose even more. I wouldn’t mind having a kitty like him sleep next to me at night, semi-frightening twist aside. I would call him George and love him and pet him and hug him and squeeze him! If an animal can make me quote the Abominable Snowman from Looney Tunes lore, then it must be a special little critter.

And because this movie is set in 1995, there’s always that nostalgia trip down memory lane. Remember when Blockbuster Video was still a thing? How about Street Fighter II arcade cabinets? How about dial-up internet that took forever to load? Even if you’re not old enough to remember those things, you’ll still get a kick out of the 90’s soundtrack the filmmakers put together. “Come As You Are” by Nirvana and “I’m Just a Girl” by No Doubt were well-placed in their respective scenes, which is what all good soundtracks should aspire to be. If nothing else, you’ll get a good chuckle at all of these nostalgic references. They’re funny because Blockbuster doesn’t exist anymore. Laughing is the only thing you can do to keep from sobbing at your lost childhood.

Captain Marvel is certainly an enjoyable movie for more reasons than just the obligatory violence and witty dialogue. If female audience members want a role model to look up to, they’ve got Vers. If conspiracy theorists and mystery buffs want to piece together this puzzle that is the main story, have at it. If you have a prejudice against superhero movies because of how “low-class” they are (I’m looking at you, Bill Maher), then Captain Marvel will prove you wrong. A passing grade is what this movie gets.

District 9

MOVIE TITLE: District 9

DIRECTOR: Neill Blomkamp

YEAR: 2009

GENRE: Science Fiction

RATING: R for violence, language, and politics

GRADE: Pass

In Apartheid-ruled South Africa, an alien ship containing “prawn” refugees hovers over Johannesburg while the occupants are housed in a ghetto called District 9. Now the government wants to evict these aliens from their homes and move them into worse housing. They do that with the help of sadistic mercenaries led by arrogant bureaucrat Wikus van der Merwe, who during this operation becomes contaminated with alien jet fuel and slowly turns into a prawn himself. Now Wikus is a fugitive on the run as he tries to keep from being experimented on by government scientists.

Xenophobia has always been poisonous to our world politics and that is fully on display in this movie. Just like any other oppressed minority, the prawns are treated as second class citizens and social pariahs simply because they don’t look or talk like typical humans. One could argue that the aliens are treated worse than human minorities, but just remember that it could be any group of people in that situation. Hitler treated Jewish people like they were monsters. Donald Trump treats Hispanic immigrants like “animals”. The less humanity you have, the more likely you are to distrust and commit atrocities against those different from you. It’s a bully mentality that is taught, not something you’re born with. Altruistic love is for all creatures, not just the ones who look the best. The anti-xenophobia message is loud and clear in this movie. I hope everybody is listening.

And it’s because of the lack of humanity from the people in charge that I find it difficult to sympathize with Wikus as he goes through his transformation. He’s every bit as smug and bigoted as his mercenary companions and I have a hard time believing that his attitude changed much throughout the movie. He only seems to be sympathetic towards the prawns when he needs their help. I understand that he has to be a jerk in order for his character development to be realistic, but then I ask, what character development? He seems to feel sorrier for himself than he does anybody else. Perhaps this was all by design since the anti-xenophobia message needs the be clearly sent, but it’s still a slap in the face to know that Wikus is our story’s main hero. He doesn’t seem very heroic to me.

But now that the movie’s message is there for all to see, there’s no reason why we can’t have some good old fashioned violent action. And boy, does this movie have plenty of it. The machineguns and tanks are deadly enough, but then you add alien weapons to the mix and bodies explode like blood balloons. Granted, these extraterrestrial weapons can only function on prawn DNA, but that’s the silver lining in Wikus’s mutation. Whether you like him or not, you have to admit that he’s deadly with one of these laser guns despite having zero combat training. When he uses these weapons on the bad guys and not on the aliens, that’s pretty much the only way you as an audience can warm up to him. It’s superficial at best, but if you thought an Apartheid-themed movie was going to be lacking in the violence department, you’re sadly mistaken. At least the violence is fun to watch at times.

Anybody who says District 9 is a modern day classic isn’t kidding around. It’s a movie we need now more than ever in today’s political climate. Racism didn’t go away; it’s just being filmed. While District 9 is a science fiction movie, it feels too much like real life. A passing grade will go to this masterful piece of cinema. Every Academy Award this movie won was highly deserved and much more. If you saw this movie in theaters or you bought the DVD, consider your money well-spent.

Wal-Martians

“Tell me again how this is different from any other day at Wal-Mart?” asked the metal-armored Amazon Alexis Lee as she stamped the butt of her spear into the pavement.

“You’ve been making that joke for hours, Alexis. Knock it off. Yes, we’re well aware that Wal-Mart has been taken over by these…creatures, if you want to call them that. We know how ironic it truly is. We still have a job to do whether you think it’s hilarious or not,” said the aura-covered paladin Micah Fireborn as he swung his sword in the air to warm up his muscles.

“Can we just get in there and rescue Lady Sakura already? This place gives me the fucking creeps,” said the muscle-bound, kilt-wearing barbarian Cain McLeod, who sharpened his double-edged axe with a stone. “Not one more joke out of you, Alexis!”

“Please? Just one more? What do you call a bunch of zealots who will die for a supermarket? Wal-Martyrs!” chuckled Alexis while her two companions sighed and held their faces in their free hands. “Come on, you have to admit that was good!”

“The hell I do!” belted Cain. “Can we please just start the damn mission and get that fucking religious nut out of there?”

“Fine, fine, you guys win. I guess killing will be funny enough,” frowned Alexis.

The three warriors marched their way through the parking lot knowing the fun and games were over and the ass beatings were about to commence. They pounded their weapon handles, let out short roars, and slapped their own faces to psych themselves up. When they reached the automatic double doors, they gagged and wheezed at the sight of green alien goop sealing the hinges together. “I got this,” said Micah Fireborn as he ignited his sword with an aura of fire and chopped through the slime with ease, splattering some on Alexis and Cain.

Alexis could barely tolerate the rancid stench, but Cain spewed his dinner all over the pavement while the Amazon giggled and the paladin shook his head at him. Cain wiped his mouth off with his leather gloves and pointed at Alexis before commanding, “Don’t you start with those jokes again! I mean it!”

“Okay, okay, Jesus, I won’t make anymore puns. You happy now? God!” whined Alexis. The three warriors kicked down the glass doors and chopped away at any remaining slime paste. Cain nearly emptied his bowels yet again when he saw that a drained human was underneath one of the slime piles. Micah grabbed him by the arm and jerked him into the store.

“See? What did I tell you guys?” asked Alexis rhetorically as the three fighters took in the surreal scenery of the invaded superstore. Skeletons and green slime decorated the floors, walls, and ceiling while the actual food items had mushrooms growing out of them. Legos were scattered across the floor and had blood sprinkled over some of them, most likely due to somebody stepping on them in bare feet. The assault rifle rack was useless since the barrels were dripping with this awful snot-like substance.

The warriors treaded lightly around the store and made sure to huddle together so they didn’t get separated. So far, no sign of the enemy, just lots and lots of snot, shit, and urine flooding the store. Just a tiny drop of this viscous substance landed on Cain’s nose and he immediately dropped to his knees dry heaving his guts out.

“For the love of God, Cain, get it together!” snapped Micah. “If you don’t like the smell of this stuff, why did you agree to this mission to begin with? You’re a barbarian, for shit’s sake! Suck it up, buttercup!”

“Trust me, Micah, he won’t be sucking that stuff up anytime soon,” joked Alexis, who afterwards raised her hands defensively when Micah and Cain scowled at her.

The stomach juices were really going haywire when the slime moved across the floor to various clothing items, whether it be ‘Murica T-shirts, jorts with holes in them, or Make America Great Again baseball caps. Micah, Alexis, and the newly recovered Cain backed up against the wall with home improvement tools and stood strong as the goo filled up these clothes until they were in the shape of alien creatures. Their whip-like tongues and tentacles swung from side to side in anticipation of their human meals.

Cain wasn’t vomiting anymore, Alexis wasn’t cracking jokes anymore, and Micah…well, he was the only serious one around. The three warriors stood their ground while Cain used his free hand to signal the aliens forward. “Come on, you fucking Wal-Martians! Let’s make ass-kicking great again!”

The aliens swarmed on the three heroes and were treated to high speed and high power chops, slashes, and pierces from each of their weapons. Alexis stuck her spear into one giant tub of goo and slammed the creature into others, creating a tidal wave of sick fluids in her wake. Cain spun around like a buzz saw with his axe and cleaved through hordes of aliens, turning their bodies into puddles of gelatin. Micah’s fiery sword cut through even more hordes of aliens and melted them to the point of boiling and steaming over the already thick Wal-Mart air.

“Is that all you got?!” taunted Cain while an alien wrapped its massive tentacle around Alexis’s legs and dragged her screaming across the filthy floor. When she dropped her spear and yelled for help, the barbarian shouted back, “I’ll save you, Alexis!” and dove after her. His end result was getting tackled in the ribs and sent flying across a shelf full of Lego sets.

Micah stabbed his flaming sword into the aliens repeatedly until they melted into a river of trash. His back was turned for one small second and an alien wrapped its tentacle around his throat before dragging him across the floor kicking and gurgling, leaving his blade behind. In the midst of his capture, he could see another tentacle wrapping itself around Cain’s body and pulling him as well.

The mass of alien humanity melded into one gigantic squid-like being, complete with more tentacles, more razor-sharp mouths, and more sickening slime that had Cain sticking his tongue out and heaving once again. Through this pool of disgust, not one warrior could get a good look at who was commanding this gigantic creature. All they heard was a raspy voice command, “Join us! Join my army and let us ride into heaven together!”

“You call this heaven?!” shouted Alexis. “I’d rather have the devil himself shove a fiery trident up my ass than go to your version of heaven!”

The tentacles squeezed harder around her legs and caused her to shriek in mind-blowing pain. The creature said, “So you must be the funny one of the group. You’re the one who likes to laugh at other people’s beliefs. You’re the one who likes to laugh at the prayers of the holy ones! I will not have such blasphemy in my church!”

“Church, my ass, you sick freak!” shouted Micah as he pulled some of the slime away from his neck. “Sakura Divine is more of a priest than you’ll ever be! She’ll be the one who guides us to heaven! Last time I checked, heaven didn’t look like a big ass used Kleenex!”

“You’re absolutely right!” belted the creature as she cinched the tentacle tighter around Micah’s neck. “Sakura Divine is quite the leader. She has the answers for us all. You’ve been listening to them the whole time!”

The faces of the warriors grew sullen as they realized what had just been revealed. Cain murmured, “No…no, it’s not true! You’re Sakura Divine?! You’re the one we came to save?!” After a demonic laughter from the slimy creature, Cain roared at Micah, “This is all your fault, you fucking altar boy! I told you we shouldn’t have trusted this religious whacko!”

Insulted by the “blasphemous” display, Sakura squeezed her tentacle around Cain’s ribs even harder than before while other tentacles joined in to squish him like a grape. Alexis screamed and hollered for mercy, but Cain’s body exploded into jelly once the constriction became too tight. “You sick little bitch!” Alexis shouted. “How could you do this to us?!” She too was squeezed by multiple tentacles until her body went kaboom like a nuclear warhead.

“No!” Micah shouted while struggling to break free from Sakura’s grip.

“Don’t fight it, Micah!” ordered Lady Divine. “You’re a noble paladin, a warrior of the light. You should know better than anybody how good heaven will feel once you walk past the pearly gates. End the struggle, my dear friend. Let the magic of heaven flow through your veins.”

“I’ll never join you!” shouted Micah.

“Don’t think too hard about your decision, paladin!” mocked Sakura. “I crushed your two friends because they were not worthy of such a trip into space. But you, Micah, you were destined for greatness. As of right now, you have two options: you can rot here forever in your own personal hell, or you can join me in my spaceship and we can rule over heaven together!”

Micah stopped struggling for a moment and actually had to think about this decision. He replayed both of his friends being crushed into gelatin in his head like a nagging schizophrenic vision. His mind went numb, his eyes became teary, and his body was relaxing. Being pasted to the ground of an already joked-about store like Wal-Mart was the true definition of hell. What if Sakura was right? What if heaven was waiting for him in that space ship?

“You know what, Sakura? I’m with you on one thing. I don’t want to go to hell tonight. But you will!” roared Micah as he activated his fiery aura to melt away the tentacle around his throat. Sakura screamed while the rancid goop melted down Micah’s nose and throat. He coughed and vomited several times, but he could feel the flame surge through him. He could feel his insides burning with passion and holiness. He stood up and shined his flaming aura even brighter until the entire store was covered in it. Sakura’s gelatinous form liquefied like butter…but only because that was what happened during hallucinatory trips.

In reality, Micah’s insides were burning for a much different reason: he swallowed the acidic mess. His brain cycled through different parts of the slimy battle whether he was in danger or fighting alongside his friends. His head was pounding with agony so badly that it felt like he was being smashed with a sledgehammer. His chest and stomach felt like he was going to through up so badly that he would turn himself inside out.

This was what it felt like to betray his religion and follow his own path. He was going to hell no matter what. But even with all of this pain wracking his body, he felt like he was already in heaven since he would be joining Cain and Alexis soon. They could crack all of the jokes they wanted and nobody would break them. Sakura may have shredded their bodies, but their souls were free. Was it worth the pain? Always. Even in death, Micah, Cain, and Alexis would make the afterlife great again.

I Dream of Weird Shit

***I DREAM OF WEIRD SHIT***

I say all the time that dreams are a rich source of creative fuel. They’re like Vitamin B12 for the schizophrenic mind (trust me, this is real science; look it up). Last night’s visit to the subconscious theater was one that qualified as cinematic wizardry. Or a psychotic cluster fuck, one of those two. Either way, I’m going to harvest as much creative fuel as I can from this once in a lifetime acid trip. Here’s how the dream went:

I started the dream by opening a newspaper and reading about male-to-female transgender MMA fighter Fallon Fox confronting Ronda Rousey at one of her press conferences…wielding a crossbow. That’s right, folks. A crossbow. Not a shotgun. Not an AK-47. A crossbow. Nobody around me was asking why Fallon Fox was holding a crossbow. They wondered what kind it was and how many rounds it could carry. This was the one instance where it was okay to complain about unfair advantages in a one-on-one situation. A crossbow, for shit’s sake!

I put down the newspaper and get to work at my family-owned toy store. My occupational dreams have come true; I get to work with toys! I was setting up various Bionicle figures on the display table and even playing with some of them. My videogame playing brother signed a package for a shipment of Double Dragon games…for the PS4. A beat-‘em-up side-scroller from the 1980’s is now on Playstation 4. Where the fuck have Jimmy and Billy Lee been this whole time?! I missed those guys!

And then I actually start to play a copy of the game. Seeing as how it’s on the newest generation of videogame consoles, the game is ten times harder than its Regular Nintendo predecessors. The first level is a ski resort crawling with anthropomorphic wolves carrying big fucking swords. The creatures themselves aren’t so scary. It was when they grabbed Billy Lee and bashed him over the head several times with the handles of their blades that I decided to lower the difficulty and try again.

The ski resort level was the same, but this time I was fighting baby dolls with milk bottles. The same health bar-draining beatdown happens all over again. The dolls force feed me sleep-inducing milk while the other dolls punch and kick me while I’m down. I throw the control and say, “I don’t want to play anymore!”

I couldn’t play the videogame any further anyways, because it was time for me to clock out from the toy store and spends some time with my babysitter. This thirty-year-old man actually has a babysitter! And that babysitter has some cute daughters who are about my age. I tell everybody how beautiful they are and they get creeped out.

Instead of talking about beauty, we watch a TV show about aliens disguised as people roaming the earth and preparing it for an invasion. For the main character, we have a bald guy in a trench coat and a hat with his face concealed as he goes around ratting on these aliens to the authorities. Every time he successfully squeals on an alien, he gets a new identity under the Witness Protection Program and continues roaming the earth to do his detective work. He one time ratted out an entire restaurant because the aliens were making racist jokes about Europeans. Aliens getting accused of xenophobia: the irony could not be clearer.

After the end credits rolled, the closing logo featured a guy getting hit by a car and flying through the air, getting hit by another car and flying through the air, getting hit by a train and flying through the air again, and then getting his nose chopped off by a helicopter’s propellers. In the words of the pilot, “That’s one dead motherfucker!” For some reason, I thought that closing logo was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

I woke up this afternoon at about two o’clock and I didn’t want to do anything for the rest of the day. I was so exhausted from ongoing sleep apnea issues that writing was impossible until now. I also didn’t feel like watching WWE NXT or Smackdown this evening, instead electing to watch the NXT Takeover special in Dallas tomorrow night and Wrestlemania 32 on Sunday.

Losing an entire day of potential work to sleep apnea is something that has plagued me throughout my whole career. Some days I’d have energy, some days I didn’t. Today was the latter and I felt awful about it. Not to worry, because I finally scheduled a sleep study which will take place on June 8^th, five days after my 31^st birthday and three days before seeing Slipknot and Marilyn Manson in Auburn. Chances are good I will need an oxygen mask, which I won’t mind as long as it gives me the energy I need in my day-to-day routine.

As of now, I have a short story to write for the WSS and a chapter to edit the hell out of in Occupy Wrestling. Those things don’t just write themselves. At least now I have some funky creative fuel to power me through my short stories. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call it when the voices in your head laugh at you for having dirty underwear?

A: Skids-ophrenia.

Hulk Hogan Dream

***HULK HOGAN DREAM***

I’ve always known that dreams could be an awesome source of creative fuel. I never expected one of them to be a short story idea for the WSS. Now that I’m wide awake and I’ve processed everything that happened in the dream, I’m not sure if it’ll even become a future story. Maybe I could be convinced into writing it by whoever’s reading this blog entry. Ready or not, here it comes!

The main character in the story was played by me, though I don’t remember the person’s name. All I know is that I was captured by an alien race with squid-like faces and taken to their flying saucer’s prison cells. They should have patted me down for weaponry before locking me up, because I had the one weapon that would put me in beast mode forever: Hulk Hogan’s Hall of Fame ring. I slipped it on my finger and transformed into the former WWE wrestler, the healthy 1980’s version. I ripped the bars off the cell and started beating the crap out of squid-faced aliens with big boots, clotheslines, suplexes, body slams, and leg drops (did I get all of his five moves of doom?). And then I got to the helm of the ship where the master alien was waiting for me. Soon I was joined by The Ultimate Warrior and the two of us beat the crap out of the alien leader together. I woke up thinking this would make a good short story idea, but now I’m not sure.

And now that I think about it, if I did write this story, it would be considered fan fiction since WWE owns the name Hulk Hogan. Although, with the racism scandal in 2015, they don’t want anything to do with him anymore and pretty much scrubbed him from their history. So the question now becomes, if I write this story and it’s considered fan fiction, can I be sued for publishing it and if so, by who: Hulk Hogan himself or the WWE? At this point, I’m better off using an entirely different character instead of Hogan, but it wouldn’t have the same effect or meaning. Copyright laws are fickle bitches.

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Team PCB calling themselves the most dominant divas in WWE is like Donald Trump saying his favorite holiday is Cinqo De Mayo.”

-Nikki Bella-

"Threads of a Web" by Marie Krepps

BOOK TITLE: Threads of a Web
AUTHOR: Marie Krepps
YEAR: 2016
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Vampire Sci-Fi & Urban Fantasy
GRADE: Pass


Ever since humans discovered the truth about vampires existing, the two races have been at war with each other for many centuries. The war continues into the modern era where government agents raid covens of vampires and drag them into the sunlight to be burned. And now the vampires are learning to stick together and fight back against those who want to commit genocide against their race. As the story progresses farther into the future, the secret war between humans and vampires becomes a triple threat battle royal with the inclusion of a mysterious alien race known only for killing everyone they see with no discrimination. Can the humans and vampires trust each other long enough to thwart this alien invasion or will they continue to spill each other’s blood and ensure complete genocide?

We all have an idea of what science-fiction, fantasy, and horror stories are supposed to be like. But what if you took the best elements from all three of those genres and combined them into one bloodthirsty, emotional narrative? Genre mixing has always been a fascination of mine and this story of vampires and aliens is a match made in heaven. Ms. Krepps isn’t combining these genres just to be cool. She still has a solid story beneath all of the geeky tropes. That story includes vampire/human romances, loyalty toward the great leaders, the value of friendship, and of course, ass-beatings. Lots and lots of ass-beatings. This story is both emotional and exciting on so many levels, which is why I believe it will please a wide variety of audiences instead of just one.

The cast of characters in this thrilling novel is also something that deserves high praise. The first of which we’re introduced to is Marla, a stripper with a no-nonsense attitude and a badass aura. Even when she comes face to face with the ultra-powerful vampire elder Mertuk, Marla toughs it out like the warrior she is. And then you have William, a young and handsome vampire who has a nasty habit of falling in love with beautiful women at the wrong times. And then there’s Morgan, a vigilante hacker with a supermodel body and less tolerance for bull-crap than Marla. I could go on and on naming all of the characters who come together for the sake of fighting off humans and aliens. So many cool characters, all of them with kick-ass intentions, stone cold emotions, and only a hint of romance when the tears truly count. No sparklers here.

In writing this novel, Marie Krepps isn’t just telling a story. She’s building an entire world of high action and emotional drama for all of these solid characters to live in. If you’re the kind of person with a fragile backbone and no guts, you wouldn’t survive ten minutes in this dangerous realm of blood hunger. This is the kind of danger audiences want in an action-packed novel. There will be no peace until complete annihilation has overtaken the entire world. Racial supremacy is a deadly way to look at life weather it’s vampires vs. humans or in today’s world with whites vs. blacks or Americans vs. Iraqis. The violence that takes place in this book not only makes for a fun ride, but it’s also realistic of how some scenarios are just zero sum games. What does the narrator from the Fallout videogame franchise like to say? War. War never changes.

Marie Krepps isn’t the kind of author who knocks at the door of opportunity. She smashes it down and brings an army of bloodlust-driven vampires with her. If she wants success in the literary world, she will get it one way or another. This woman represents the reality of an author’s life: tireless work and overcoming obstacles. If Threads of a Web is any indication of what she’s capable of, then Marie Krepps could very well be the role model Generation Y needs to move ahead. A passing grade for an A+ author. How does that sound?

"Nature of the Beast" by Adam Mansbach

BOOK TITLE: Nature of the Beast
AUTHOR: Adam Mansbach
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Graphic Novel
SUBGENRE: Science Fiction
GRADE: Mixed


Single father, alligator wrestler, and all-around tough guy Bruno Bolo enters a tournament pitting himself against the deadliest animals from around the world from sharks to gorillas to polar bears to whatever else can snap a normal man’s spine in half within seconds. He thinks he’s going to earn a million dollars for his victory, but the tournament is really part of a conspiracy to determine who fights the alien invaders who want to bring the apocalypse to earth. Bruno is already a Gary-Stu-esque superman, but after being sprayed with angry hormones, he’s pretty much unstoppable.

Just like with any science-fiction, fantasy, or superhero graphic novel, badass violence is a must. Bruno and the wild animals he fights not only bring the violence, they leave blood bombs behind them. If you’re a fan of hardcore action, you’re going to get it with this graphic novel, no question about it.

I personally don’t care if Bruno comes off as a Gary-Stu. As a child, I played videogames where Gary-Stu’s were the main characters (Ryu from Street Fighter, the barbarian from Diablo II, Gorge from Unreal Championship, etc.) Yes, I know it’s intended to be a literary slur, but I’m allowed to enjoy a little hardcore violence every now and then. I still enjoy it to this day when I’m watching WWE and Roman Reigns is punching everyone’s lights out.

Here’s what I do take issue with: the animal aspect. I have dogs and cats around my home and they’re all as sweet as can be. While it is true that the animals in Nature of the Beast are a lot scarier than my dogs and cats, it doesn’t take away from them being innocent animals. These animals didn’t choose to be fighters in a tournament; they were raised that way by the scientists behind the scenes. Hell, there was even a scene where one of the scientists sprayed the anger hormones in a pit bull’s face. The dog went from being a smiling puppy-dup to a raging lunatic within seconds of being sprayed.

Bottom line: forcing “scary” animals to fight each other is no different from forcing dogs and roosters to do the same. At least when it happens in the wild, the animal is protecting something precious of theirs. What do they have to fight for in an arena under the watch of scientists? Fame? Fortune? Sadistic urges? I’ll get off my soapbox now.

This book gets mixed reception from me, or for those of you on Good Reads, 3 out of 5 stars. When you make your own conscience decision to buy this graphic novel (and it is your own choice in the end), you have to find a balance within your mind between the badass action and the sympathy for animals. You might like the bloody violence and give this thing a full five stars. You might be the future president of the ASPCA and give this book one star. You might be a fence-rider like me who finds validity in both sides of the spectrum. Or if you want to avoid this debate altogether, buy a copy of Adam Mansbach’s “Go the Fuck to Sleep” instead. I have a niece and that book made me giggle.

　

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“It’s not every day you see a horse with two rear-ends!”

-Aladdin from “Aladdin”-

"The Robotech Series" by Jack McKinney

If it hadn’t been for the 1990’s, Cartoon Network, and Toonami, I would have never known what Robotech was. From an anime standpoint, Robotech was about big ass robots beating the shit out of invading alien races. Who doesn’t love a story about giant-sized ass-beatings? But then you have the emotional aspect that goes along with just about any anime in existence. There were a lot of romances that were born from these alien wars. And thus we have the phrase, all’s fair in love and war. It was true for the first generation of Robotech where the Space Defense Fortress and her crew were battling the gigantic Zentradi. It continued to be true for the second generation where the Southern Cross were battling the Robotech Masters. And then when the Invid finally turned earth into a biological cum stain, we had Scott Bernard and his tiny group of rebels. Throughout the entire anime, we’ve had action, we’ve had romance, and we’ve had heartbreaking deaths. But the one thing I could never comprehend was why in the second generation story, the Southern Cross defense team were always beating up on Zor. Yes, he was a transplant from the Robotech Masters, but come on, let’s at least let the poor guy’s bruises heal before the next beating. To say Zor was an underdog would be an understatement. To say he was a punching bag would be closer to the truth. But before we get too far off track, I want to give you an answer to a question you probably have for me right now. You’re probably about to ask me, “Garrison, why is an anime from the 1980’s on your blog about fast-paced books?” Because thanks to two authors who wanted to be known collectively as Jack McKinney, the anime was adopted into novel format, which was perfect considering that I needed something to read during silent reading time in middle school and English class in my freshman year of high school. This stint in the Chehalis, Washington school system was LONG before I decided to become a full-time bookworm. I became one in 2009 and my career as an unofficial student bookworm started a decade before that. And I thought to myself, “Well, the classics put me to sleep quicker than a Mike Tyson punch to the jaw, so why not choose something that actually has a special place in my heart: the Robotech series!” And the great thing about this is that aside from some extra curse words and mild gore, the novels were extremely faithful to the anime. No matter what the medium, I will always root for Zor to one day kick his commanding officers in the testicles with a steel-toed boot. And for that, I thank you, Mr. Jack McKinney.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Bring it on, come on!”

-Steve Mazzagatti, MMA referee-