"Super Human" by Michael Carroll

BOOK TITLE: Super Human

AUTHOR: Michael Carroll

YEAR: 2010

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Superhero Sci-Fi

GRADE: C

It feels weird reading a book about a worldwide virus in the year 2022. The difference between this book and the real world is that not only are people actually receptive to the idea of vaccines, but there’s a ragtag group of teenaged superheroes (and Lance) who genuinely want to see the world recover from this. But they can’t achieve those goals without dishing out some violence on the bad guys responsible for this sickness. Their enhanced strength, sonic abilities, and telekinesis can only be used as a means to an end rather than be the one-size-fits all solution. That’s a part of superhero fiction not a lot of authors get, but Michael Carroll pulled it off rather effectively. It also helps that Lance (the normie) is a slick thief who can smooth-talk his way out of any situation. Using brains to solve problems will be more relatable to the audience than using superhuman violence.

But unfortunately, we don’t always get the best use of the characters’ brains. Lance does all the intellectual heavy lifting with his gift for gab. The rest of the characters, both good and evil, don’t always make the smartest decisions and I’m surprised it hadn’t come back to bite them in the worst ways. Freeing supervillain prisoners to combat even more powerful supervillains? Dumb. Driving a military jeep like a speed demon and being surprised when it hits one of the allies? Also dumb. Sparing a powerful villain’s life because, “We don’t kill?” Yeah, we’re past the point of being civil now that there’s a deadly virus causing the adults to vomit inside out. The villains are no better when it comes to cartoonishly-stupid decision-making. Resurrecting an ancient king who might kill them off and is not immune to the virus himself? Beyond stupid. Toying with the heroes instead of finishing them off instantly? Reckless. Revealing the entire plan to the heroes and even going so far as to keep records of their allies’ social security numbers and base coordinates? Colossal fail. Am I reading a superhero book or watching a Three Stooges routine?

The writing itself is, ironically, nothing to write home about. The dialogue between the heroes sounds so similar that I couldn’t tell the characters apart without tags. The characters in general are introduced to the audience via telling instead of showing. Some of the dialogue sounds awkward and clumsy, especially when the characters try to make analogies sound cool, though they wouldn’t sound much better as prose, either. The one character in the story who’s immune to such clunky writing? Krodin, the ancient king the villains are trying to resurrect. He comes off like a total stud, whether he’s conquering entire countries by himself, enslaving everyone he meets, or talking down to his enemies like a godlike king should. He could come off like a Gary-Stu villain, but he’s written so convincingly that I don’t mind him being overpowered. The action scenes in general are well-done since they move quickly and hit hard.

But none of the praise I’ve given this book is enough to elevate the grade above a C, or three out of five stars. I was able to finish it. I even enjoyed it in a lot of places. But this book is cheesier than a dairy farm, which is an analogy Michael Carroll can use for free, but it wouldn’t be a good idea since that’s one of the things I criticized this novel for. Everything just felt so…average. Even the superpowers seemed mediocre and hastily thrown together. This wasn’t a good book, it wasn’t a bad book, it was just sort of…there.

Save the World

 VERSE 1

I talked some shit online about Dumbass Donald

And his favorite butt puppet Moscow McConnell

I got a million replies telling me I should die

Telling me they’ll drink my liberal tears if I cry

I got a head full of demons and nothing accomplished

Couldn’t find anything we could share in common

But at least I performed my own civic duty

Even though my mind is melting into something gooey

CHORUS

Why does everybody expect me to save the world?

By myself! With nobody else!

Why does everybody expect me to have superpowers?

I wasn’t born tough! I’m just a traumatized coward!

VERSE 2

I went to the protest and held up my cardboard sign

Got a face full of mace and now I’m legally blind

Got a beer bottle broken over my pretty little head

If I come for round two, they’ll shoot my ass dead

I got a hospital bill and not a damn thing changed

I’ve got years of therapy, who’s willing to pay?

But at least I can say that I’ve got some big balls

I hope they’ll help against my debt collection calls

CHORUS

Why does everybody expect me to save the world?

By myself! With nobody else!

Why does everybody expect me to have superpowers?

I wasn’t born tough! I’m just a traumatized coward!

BRIDGE

Is it too much to ask that I see some results

To go with my beatings and bigoted insults?

Is it too much to ask for systematic reform

When dystopia has become the new norm?

Is it too much to ask for some compensation

When I’m crucified by the Teabag nation?

Is it too much to ask that my efforts matter

Or should we keep making the fat cats fatter?

VERSE 3

I went to the courthouse and filed a lawsuit

Against everybody who dared to lick boots

Case dragged on for a whole millennium

I couldn’t outspend every single defendant

I did my best and not a fucking thing improved

No tears for me, because nobody was moved

I guess you could tell me, “Welcome to the club”

Before you beat my ass with it, stain it in blood

EXTENDED CHORUS

Why does everybody expect me to save the world?

By myself! With nobody else!

Why does everybody expect me to have superpowers?

I wasn’t born tough! I’m just a traumatized coward!

Why does everybody think I’ve got what it takes

Then brush it all off with the phrase, “That’s the breaks?”

Why can’t I just lay in bed with my pretty kitty?

I’m not Batman and this is not Gotham City!

Destroying the Earth

Whether you’re watching your Saturday morning cartoons or playing your favorite Super Nintendo game, sometimes you just have to ask to nobody in particular: “Why does the villain want to destroy the earth?” Doesn’t matter if the villain is a robot, an alien, a monster, or an ordinary human with extraordinary powers; chances are good he wants to destroy the world for no fucking reason other than to flex his muscle. You hear him cackle like a madman. You hear him barking orders at his minions even though he’s capable of doing a much better job. But that’s about all you hear. No motives, no thorough planning, and if he does have the latter, it’ll be explained in intricate detail to the protagonist rather than using that precious time to murder the motherfucker. All you know about the villain is that he wants to destroy the earth, but you don’t know why.

Do you realize what happens when the earth is destroyed? There’s a very real possibility that the main villain lives on planet earth, so if he destroys the whole fucking thing, where is he going to live? He’d better have a spaceship handy. If he does, what planet is going to take him in whilst being able to support human life? Even if the planet did support human life, why would they willingly want a genocidal maniac as part of their world population? Does the villain want to destroy his new home world too? Is that all this asshole does on his spare time? Just destroy worlds haphazardly without thinking about the consequences of mass genocide? At least Freiza from Dragon Ball Z had a motive. He wiped out the planet’s population and sold the planet to the highest bidder. He was a businessman. A ruthless businessman, but as we’ve seen with corporate America, that’s really a redundant phrase at this point.

I suppose any villain could use the CEO excuse to destroy random planets, but people who have seen Dragon Ball Z would know where the motive came from and accusations of plagiarism would be louder than a Super Saiyan screaming before he throws a Kamehameha wave…out of his ass…after eating a hundred dollars worth of Taco Bell food. Yes, I know, there’s no such thing as an original idea. Everything comes from somewhere. But surely there are more motives for committing genocide on a planet’s population than just dollars and cents, right? Yes, dollars and cents are very enticing to villains with a shallow point of view, or even a desperate debtor. But it’s hardly the only reason why someone would want to destroy a whole planet.

Destroying the earth seems to have lost its luster over time due to the backwards logistics of it all. But it doesn’t have to be. Part of the fun of being a professional author is spinning tropes on their heads. Maybe the threat of global destruction is part of an ultimatum. “Give me a gazillion dollars or I’m going to blow up a major world city every hour on the hour.” We’ve seen that in movies before, but why would a genocidal lunatic need a gazillion dollars? Climbing out of poverty? Buying a vacation home in somewhere other than a targeted city? Clinging to an expensive cocaine and hooker addiction? These are all solid reasons for world destruction. They’re shitty things to do, but as far as character arcs go, they’ll go a long way in giving villains all three of their much-needed dimensions. The audience will laugh at villains for being cheesy and one-dimensional. Why not make them blackmailers of the most disgusting kind?

But why is it just blackmail? Can a villain want to destroy the earth just for the satisfaction of watching the world burn? Dead bodies can be very satisfying to a villain with a constant Joker’s grin. But after one dead body, he’d have to keep achieving that high in order to maintain satisfaction. When the bodies run out, then what is he going to do? But maybe he will find satisfaction in worldwide genocide, because he sees his abusers in every person he meets. Or maybe he was raised with a Nazi ideology and sees himself as the purest human. Maybe the parents who gave him his Nazi ideology were abusive themselves. In the bloody war between nature and nurture, nurture wins hands down.

Can a villain be born evil, though? Certain genes could allow that to happen, like a predisposition for psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. Maybe the villain is beyond help and can’t help himself when he kills large numbers of people. Maybe he legitimately doesn’t see the consequences of his actions and kills just because. But when he’s criticized or punished for his heinous crimes, he suddenly plays the sympathy card like a little coward. We’ve seen that in movies and TV shows before, because it continues to work. Hell, we see this shit in today’s world news with certain politicians, pundits, and bullies in general. I’m sure they’d love to watch the world burn just because.

What if a magical voice tells the villain to commit worldwide genocide and will only give him relief from his mind-fuck when he completes his task. Where is this voice coming from? The depths of hell? A sorcerer long believed to be dead? A bug implanted in his ear? A caterpillar that crawls up his nose and infests his brain? A psychoactive drug with micro-insects swimming through it? But if you as a writer choose to go down this route, you’ll want to remove it as far as you can from actual real world schizophrenia. Schizophrenics have enough stigmas attached to them as it is. The magical voice has to be purely from a magical or science-fiction standpoint. You can even take a page out of the Cyberpunk 2020 playbook and have the cyborg lose his humanity after overusing his mechanical limbs.

There are thousands of reasons why a villain would want to destroy the earth. Pick one and stick with it. You could have a laughing skeleton in a dark cloak carrying a fiery battleaxe, but unless you give him some reasons for doing the things he does, he’s going to come off as cheesy and clownish. Imagine if Darth Vader, one of the most iconic Star Wars villains of all time, destroyed worlds willy-nilly and had no real reason for it. He lusted for power, above all else. It’s a simple motive, but power is enticing to psychopaths who need to be in control of their environment at all times. Is the lust for power over-used? Could be. But if everything else about the villain clicks, whether it’s the dialogue, the presentation, or the power he already has, then the audience will forgive you if you use the power-hunger trope one more time.

I’m currently in the process of rewriting a fantasy novel called Beautiful Monster for the third time in a row. For the first couple of drafts, Queen Shelly Atwood had no real reason for being a sex-crazed rapist who wanted to get as much power as she could. But in this current draft, she likes having the power and influence of a queen because it turns her on. The money she makes selling brainwashed sex slaves affords her pleasures, comforts, and conveniences she wouldn’t have had as a poor peasant. Power is addictive and so is the one-percent lifestyle. She’s gotten so used to being powerful that she must have things her way all the time. She doesn’t want to lose even a smidgen of that power to anybody. Whether she gains it from raping a future sex slave or making shady business deals, she’ll take it where she can get it. With this much power and money comes possessions that she wouldn’t otherwise have. Scary artwork, pornographic novels, ice cream ingredients, fine wine, powerful drugs, she’s like a spoiled brat on Christmas, but every day is Christmas and every night is Halloween for the ones she steps on.

Any goofy character can be made into a convincing badass as long as there are layers and dimensions to their personality. Any atrocious act of genocide can be justified in the mind of the villain as long as that justification is made loud and clear. Evil for the sake of evil comes across as hokey no matter what the story is. Evil has a purpose. Evil has a background story. Evil has personality. The villains themselves might even insist that they’re the good guys of their own story. They’re destroying the earth to put the miserable population out of their respective misery. They’re committing genocide because the population is somehow responsible for shunning him from all forms of society. The villain is killing at random because he has a heightened sense of alertness that won’t allow him to be taken by surprise even by the most mundane human being or animal.

The table is set, fellow authors. Flesh out your villains, flesh out your stories, flesh out your worlds, and make sure your audience notices all the hard work you put into your craft. Even the most random occurrences happen for a reason despite the reason not being readily available to the victims. They should be available to your readers, though. They’re not stupid. They see right through laziness. You don’t want to be the author who gives them a whole lot of nothing, right? Show us why the villain is evil, don’t just say he wants to destroy the earth. Any clown in a spaceship can destroy the earth. But a true villain can haunt the minds of his audience while he’s doing it.

Already Dead

VERSE 1

Your comedic delivery fell on deaf ears

Loyal sheep were the only source of cheers

You exploited death just for a punch line

Shrugged your shoulders like it was all fine

You’re not funny, if you were, I would laugh

You used to be cool in the distant past

Now that my eyes are wide fucking open

I know what the hell a clichéd trope is

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

VERSE 2

You’d commit necrophilia just for a joke

Commit grave robbery to spite the woke

Keep your millionaire ass from going broke

Keep your career from going up in smoke

The ones who loved him want your head

You should be the one on your deathbed

You should be the one who is violated

You’re the only one who is overrated

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

BRIDGE

Heaven forbid we be entertained

Heaven forbid you use your brain

Heaven forbid you get off the hate train

Heaven forbid we’re absolved from shame

VERSE 3

You call us immature for our literary tastes

When it comes to autocracy, we’re to blame

I never knew until now you were full of shit

But you disguise your hatred as a comedy bit

I’m changing the channel to something better

While you’re looking for a safe space protector

You can dish it out, but can’t take the heat

Everybody knows you’re easy to defeat

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

FINAL LINE

Excelsior, motherfuckers!

Bouncing Between Fantasy and Contemporary

***BOUNCING BETWEEN FANTASY AND CONTEMPORARY***

Whenever I’m trying to decide what’s next to write, I always ask myself what I’m not writing enough of or what I’m writing too much of. I’ll go through entire phases where I write just contemporary or just gory fantasy on-and-off. In 2018 alone, I’ve written three first draft novels that could be classified as drama. Silent Warrior is a high school drama that takes place in the present day and Incelbordination would also fall under the educational category.

Beautiful Monster? Well, that technically could be classified as a fantasy since it had elves, but there’s no magic system. Plus, the focus of the story was more about Windham’s PTSD rather than a mystical journey of sorts. I guess Beautiful Monster would be more of a drama than a fantasy in that respect, though one could debate that it falls under magical realism.

What about 2019? What have I written since January of this year? American Darkness 3 stories, yes, of course. I’ve rewritten Beautiful Monster from the ground up and I still consider it to be more drama than fantasy. Emilio & Marigold could technically be a fantasy by virtue of the lead villain being a giant who lives in the clouds. But in reality, that was more dramatic than fantastic as well since I’ve basically turned the story into one big debate over soft vs. hard parenting.

Commonsense would dictate that the genre of a story shouldn’t matter to me as long as the story itself is a compelling and entertaining read. Maybe I have done pretty well for myself with these dramas I’ve written over the last year and a half. But here’s where it starts to get tricky. Because I’ve been away from the fantasy genre for so long, I’ve found myself…I don’t want to say losing interest, because that will always be my bread and butter. It’s just that I haven’t had enough fantasy material in my diet, that’s all. When a muscle in your body doesn’t get enough exercise, it atrophies. Same thing goes for interest in the fantasy genre.

Another reason for me wanting to get back into the fantasy genre seems petty on the surface until you consider I’ve been a trusting fan of this celebrity for over a decade prior to his live TV rant. Of course, I’m talking about Bill Maher. I recently gave up watching his shows. I don’t even watch his New Rules segments on You Tube anymore. My loss of love for him has been a long time coming, with his many prejudiced statements about millennials, transsexuals, Middle Easterners, feminists, fat people, and other groups of people being prominent reasons why.

But then he threw a huge hissyfit about people who enjoy Stan Lee’s work, labeling them as “immature” and “idiotic”. Superheroes, fantasy creatures, and sci-fi adventures are my livelihood and Bill Maher just shit all over it because he’s a crabby old Baby Boomer. Getting back into the fantasy genre just to piss him off? Good enough reason for me! Goodbye, Bill Maher. You used to be cool, now you’re just a shitty old man. I’m a geeky millennial and I’m proud of it!

So…what kinds of things could I start writing again now that I’m awaiting the right opportunity to have Beautiful Monster critiqued? Well, I don’t want to work on a full-blown novel right away, because I’ll have my hands full with editing the shit out of this new version of Beautiful Monster. Plus, I’m not quite done getting Emilio & Marigold into tiptop shape. What about short stories? Poison Tongue Tales 3? Sure, I can do that! In fact, here’s a synopsis for what will be my contest entry for the WSS this week. It’s called “3:16” and it’s for a “Black Widow” prompt.

CHARACTERS:

1. Death Marshal, Mummy Hammer Fighter
2. JoJo Tornado, Human Aeromancer
3. Marilyn Manson and His Band
4. Audience and Bouncers

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The venue is called The Black Widow Amphitheater and it has a dark fantasy gimmick, complete with bouncers in hooded robes and Halloween lighting.

SYNOPSIS: A Marilyn Manson concert is taking place at an outdoor festival, which prompts conservative wizard JoJo to try and knock the electricity out with her wind magic. Her reckless spell casting causes her to tip over a stage prop onto the statue grave of an ancient creature known as Death Marshal, thus waking the angry beast from his sleep. Because Death Marshal is a mummy, he inherits knowledge and wisdom on the fly. He picks up a discarded Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirt and takes on the Bionic Redneck persona as he “stomps a mud hole” into JoJo and “walks it dry”.

It’d be worth it just to watch Bill Maher shit his pants. Then again, he does that enough already, which is why he probably wears Depends underneath his Men’s Warehouse suit every time he goes on TV. Is “3:16” the most philosophically powered story I’ve ever written? Will it make you question life? No! It’s just for fucking fun! Enjoy yourselves! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight! By the way, my sign-off phrase is what the narrator says in the closing credits for Tales From the Dark Side, another TV show that is likely to trigger Bill Maher. Man, I’m really letting him have it tonight! Goddamn, that feels good!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I have seen the mystics play there once or twice, but I knew they had a reason. Enchantment plays its cards all right. Hand in hand with the workings of the season. Legends can be now and forever teaching us to love for goodness sake. Legends can be now and forever loved by the sun. Two and two go so close together whether there is hope that is torn apart. In the words of all that’s singing. Hand in hand, the beginning is at the start. Legends can be now and forever teaching us to reach for goodness sake. Legends can be now and forever loved by the sun. Who sings of all of love’s eternity? Whose shines so bright in all the songs of love’s unending spells? Only lightning strikes all that’s evil, teaching us to love for goodness sake. Hear the music of love eternal teaching us to reach for goodness sake. Legends can be now and forever teaching us to love for goodness sake. Sweet songs of youth. The wise. The meeting of all wisdom. To believe in the good in man.”

-Tangerine Dream singing “Loved By the Sun”, another piece of art that will drive Bill Maher bat shit insane-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Remember a blog entry I wrote months ago about my Muse of the Year for 2019? I thought it was going to be Dita Von Teese. I thought she was going to bring my creativity to new heights. But then I just ran back into the proverbial arms of 2018’s MotY, Sarah-Jane Redmond, who played Lucy Butler on the 1990’s TV show Millennium. Hey, there’s another show that will make Bill Maher’s head explode! It’s technically in the thriller category, but it has occult elements in it, such as Lucy Butler being a demon from hell who only uses her human form to seduce men into doing awful things.

Dark Phoenix

MOVIE TITLE: Dark Phoenix

DIRECTOR: Simon Kinberg

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Superhero Adventure

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Pass

While the X-Men are performing a space mission to rescue astronauts from a spinning shuttle, telepath Jean Grey absorbs a fiery supernova into her body and becomes even more powerful than she already is. Before she has the chance to celebrate with her fellow mutants, her powers spin out of control and cost loved ones their lives. With the human world and some of her own X-Men turning against her, Jean struggles to find acceptance despite her godlike and lethal abilities. While she’s figuring herself out, an alien race known as the D’Bari want to harvest her powers so that they can rebuild the world they lost due to the supernova. Not a friend in the world can save her now.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m part of the minority that actually liked this movie. I know I’m on an island when it comes to Jean Grey’s character development and her extreme case of Impostor Syndrome. People are dying all around her and she (sometimes rightfully) believes it’s her own fault. She wants to do good things in a world that has a fragile relationship with mutants, but she hasn’t mastered her newfound powers yet and she can’t help herself when she gets explosive. Imagine having your own low self-esteem confirmed by pretty much everyone around you and there’s no evidence left to prove yourself wrong. That hurts. It hurts so much that normal people who watch this movie can relate to it (sans murder). Does someone out in the world still love Jean Grey? Does someone out in the world still love us all? I guess we’ll never know until the dead end.

An even more imperfect character is Professor Charles Xavier, owner of the mutant school that houses the X-Men. Comic book fans know him as the super intelligent, ultra wise leader who can solve any problem with his wits. But even he makes the gravest mistakes sometimes and he becomes just as much to blame as Jean Grey. Using the X-Men as a superhero taskforce was his idea to earn goodwill with the human race. Some mutants don’t want their lives risked in such a way and I can’t say I blame them. Yet I continued to feel heartbroken during Charles’s most downtrodden moments. I wanted him to redeem himself and show Jean Grey that someone out there still cares for her. Excellent performance by James McAvoy, the actor who played Charles Xavier.

Jean Grey and Charles Xavier aren’t the only characters in this movie that have valid points. All of the characters do from Beast to Storm to Magneto himself. If I remember correctly, this was one of the director’s goals for the film: everybody is right and a healthy debate among the audience is encouraged. This is the dictionary definition of a 3D character. Not even the villains will admit that they’re wrong. You’ll never see an X-Men character named Captain Evil or Kitten Stomper. You know why? Because just like in real life, we all like to believe that we’re the good guys despite our flaws.

I’m plainly aware of how much hate this film has gotten since its release. It holds a below thirty percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s even been called the worst movie of the X-Men franchise by many critics. But I don’t have a one-way ticket aboard the hate train. I came into the movie theater wanting to be entertained and that’s exactly what happened. I was so entertained that I considered giving this movie an Extra Credit grade during the ride home. But the reason it earned only a passing grade was because the social impact couldn’t compare to other great superhero movies like Black Panther and Wonder Woman. Otherwise, great job, Marvel!

Captain Marvel

MOVIE TITLE: Captain Marvel

DIRECTORS: Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck

YEAR: 2019

GENRE: Superhero Science-Fiction

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Pass

In the year 1995, the technologically superior Kree civilization is in a never-ending war with shape-shifting aliens known as Skrulls. When amnesic warrior Vers and her squadron of Kree soldiers botch a mission to rescue an undercover agent, she finds herself trapped on planet earth with familiar clues to her past. The more she investigates, the more suspicious she becomes of her own Kree brethren. Political conspiracies are unraveled to where Vers doesn’t even know who to trust anymore. Whatever it is she finds, she’ll have to prepare for the fight of her life, part of which includes wrestling with her emotions in the heat of battle.

I must confess, when I saw the first few minutes of this movie, I thought it was going to be another cut-and-paste superhero movie. But the thing with Marvel movies is that they always surprise you just when you think you’re comfortable with the formula. Sure, we get witty banter from the likes of Vers and Shield Agent Nick Fury. We also get the obligatory big fight feel with the future at stake. We also get a well-crafted conspiracy that gains new wrinkles throughout the movie. But what drives all of these fun parts home are characters we can actually care about instead of just being told to cheer because they’re superheroes. I cared about Vers’s lost memories. I cared about her friends. I even cared about the villains because of how cold and callous they were. This is a character-driven story about non-conformity; how can the audience go wrong?

Speaking of characters I care deeply about, how about the precious orange kitty Goose? Who’s a good kitty? Goose is a good kitty! He rubs his head against everyone, he purrs like a lawnmower, he floats through the air in zero gravity conditions, and he even has a little twist in his character near the end. I won’t say what the twist is, but when you get there, not only will it give you a good chuckle, but you’ll want to cheer for Goose even more. I wouldn’t mind having a kitty like him sleep next to me at night, semi-frightening twist aside. I would call him George and love him and pet him and hug him and squeeze him! If an animal can make me quote the Abominable Snowman from Looney Tunes lore, then it must be a special little critter.

And because this movie is set in 1995, there’s always that nostalgia trip down memory lane. Remember when Blockbuster Video was still a thing? How about Street Fighter II arcade cabinets? How about dial-up internet that took forever to load? Even if you’re not old enough to remember those things, you’ll still get a kick out of the 90’s soundtrack the filmmakers put together. “Come As You Are” by Nirvana and “I’m Just a Girl” by No Doubt were well-placed in their respective scenes, which is what all good soundtracks should aspire to be. If nothing else, you’ll get a good chuckle at all of these nostalgic references. They’re funny because Blockbuster doesn’t exist anymore. Laughing is the only thing you can do to keep from sobbing at your lost childhood.

Captain Marvel is certainly an enjoyable movie for more reasons than just the obligatory violence and witty dialogue. If female audience members want a role model to look up to, they’ve got Vers. If conspiracy theorists and mystery buffs want to piece together this puzzle that is the main story, have at it. If you have a prejudice against superhero movies because of how “low-class” they are (I’m looking at you, Bill Maher), then Captain Marvel will prove you wrong. A passing grade is what this movie gets.

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

MOVIE TITLE: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

DIRECTOR: Zack Snyder

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Superhero

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Mixed

In the public eye, Superman is either seen as a godlike savior for the neighboring cities of Metropolis and Gotham or a reckless oaf who leaves destruction as part of his heroism. The Wayne Enterprises building and the people inside happened to be victims of Superman’s carelessness and now Batman wants revenge for the fallen. Stirring the pot between these superheroes is Lex Luthor, a corporate prodigy who comes into possession of Kryptonite (Superman’s weakness). Can Batman and Superman get along and team up against the real threat to humanity or will their shades of gray characteristics blind them into fighting each other to the death?

The fact that Zack Snyder uses shades of gray logic to define Batman and Superman is part of what makes this movie unique. Superman can be careless when it comes to containing his powers, but Batman can be just as sadistic and merciless when he brands the bat symbol onto criminals before sending them to jail. These two characters cancel each other out when it comes to the moral high ground, so much so that political pundits such as Charlie Rose and Neil Degrasse Tyson had to be brought in to discuss their risk vs. reward values. I’m not saying we’ll have a recklessly devastating superhero scenario in real life, but if we did, are we as a society prepared to make compromises and see the middle ground? We ccouldn’t find that middle ground even without Superman and Batman killing everything, so we’re pretty much doomed. Just look at all the buildings that get destroyed in the name of superhero politics. People give anime a hard time for having buildings burn to the ground so easily, but they need to see this movie for more of the same.

This fictional political climate might have been more jarring to watch if the shooting of the movie was better executed. Something about this movie makes me want to give it a mixed grade despite all it has going for it. It could be the lack of character investment. It could be the slow pacing. It could be the cliché violence and destruction. It could be that the pieces of this plot were lazily thrown together. Maybe it’s the way the movie dragged on for over two hours of nothingness. I can’t pinpoint one feature of this movie that’s responsible for the negative reviews it got, but when my brother asked me what I thought of it, all I could say was, “Meh”. The movie had loads of potential to be something great, but something about it just made me want to tune out.

Whatever the main negative point could have been, it certainly wasn’t Jesse Eisenberg’s acting when it came to his portrayal of Lex Luthor. I know he got a Golden Raspberry award for worst supporting actor, but I disagree with that opinion. Lex’s character drew a lot of parallels to Heath Ledger’s version of The Joker with how delightfully insane and quirky he was. I have a soft spot for crazy-minded characters due to how relatable they are (not in every way, but in some ways). Sometimes the villains are more relatable than the superheroes. In fact, they can be just as “shades of gray” as Batman and Superman are in this movie. I keep wondering what it was that made Lex Luthor snap the way he did. We don’t get a clear answer by the end, so that makes me even more curious. Either way, I love his kooky portrayal! The body language, the tics, the cadence in his voice, even Lex’s hairstyle reminds me of The Joker. Golden Raspberry, my foot!

While Batman vs. Superman isn’t a perfect movie, I’m not going to completely dump all over it despite its glaring flaws. A mixed grade is nothing to sneeze at, especially considering everybody else seems to be headhunting these days when reviewing suspicious movies. I wanted to enjoy this movie. I love the DC Universe. I stuck with the film until the end. Again, it’s not perfect, but the haters can calm down just for a little while before they click that one or two-star option.

"Before Watchmen: Nite Owl and Dr. Manhattan" by J. Michael Straczynski

BOOK TITLE: Before Watchmen: Nite Owl and Dr. Manhattan

AUTHOR: J. Michael Straczynski

YEAR: 2013

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Superhero

GRADE: Pass

This prequel to the original Watchmen graphic novel features three separate stories of political bloodshed and philosophical heartache. Nite Owl is seduced by a dominatrix-style madame named Twilight Lady into helping her solve the mystery of her slain call girls. Dr. Manhattan travels between time and space as he wrestles with his conscience over his godlike abilities and how they should be used. Moloch takes revenge against an unloving world after he grows up bullied and broken over his “ugly” features. Nobody will be left unscathed by these violent tales, not even the almighty reader himself.

As someone who enjoys a good love story, I’m particularly fond of the relationship between Nite Owl and Twilight Lady. Of course, there shouldn’t be any debate that this would never work since Twilight Lady is a true professional who never falls in love. But after all of their romantic interactions, the reader actually wants to root for them. Twilight Lady can read Nite Owl like a book. She knows when he’s blushing underneath the mask. She knows he’ll do anything to protect her since he grew up with an abusive father. She knows his intentions are pure. And yet, this puts Nite Owl at odds with the ultra-conservative superhero Rorschach, who moonlights as a janitor at a church. All of this character interaction and all of this drama, it makes for some pretty damn good storytelling that will leave you brooding long after it’s all over.

I wish the same could be said for Dr. Manhattan’s story, but unfortunately, it was my least favorite of the three. While the idea of a godlike superhero struggling with his conscience can make for some thought-provoking creative fuel, the philosophical tropes seem to take precedence over the story itself, making for a confusing read. There were times in this story when I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Hell, none of it really became clear to me until the end, which I won’t spoil for my readers. It shouldn’t take that long for a story’s sensibility to kick in. It was for this reason alone that I once considered giving the book a mixed grade, but ultimately, I decided against that when I read Moloch’s story.

If you’ve ever wanted to live out a revenge fantasy, Moloch’s story is for you. Surely there has been a time in your life when you’ve felt unloved, unappreciated, and downright despised. Moloch’s gremlin-like appearance made him a target for bullies whether it was a stereotypical mean girl or a jock who loved beating people up. Rising above all of that trauma is hard, so what does Moloch do? He turns to a life of crime and rakes in a huge pile of cash while doing so. I wouldn’t recommend anybody do this in real life, because Moloch you are not and to prison you will go. But if you want to live vicariously through him for a little while, he’s certainly sympathetic enough for the reader to do just that. But never forget that he’s a villain above all else, so don’t get too attached to him.

I dare say that Alan Moore, the creator of the original Watchmen comic books, should be proud of J. Michael Straczynski for what he’s done. I’ll take it one step further. If the author of this book wants to do a prequel to any of my own books, I won’t turn him down. Hell, I’d give my left eye if it meant he’d work for me. The art is fabulous, the writing is superb, and the book overall is very much worthy of its passing grade, Dr. Manhattan story aside.

Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2

MOVIE TITLE: Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2

DIRECTOR: James Gunn

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Superhero Film

RATING: PG-13 for sci-fi violence and crass humor

GRADE: Pass

The Guardians of the Galaxy, led by Peter Quill, are on the run from bounty hunters yet again after raccoon teammate Rocket steals high energy batteries from the Sovereign race. The golden aliens go so far as to hire Quill’s adoptive father Yondu and his ravager mercenaries to recapture them. The Guardians’ only saving grace comes when Quill’s real father, a celestial god named Ego, rescues them and brings them back to his psychologically crafted home planet. The more time Quill spends with Ego, the more his father’s darkest secrets bubble to the surface and the more danger his crew is in.

When I write this review, I don’t want any of you to think that I’m crapping all over the humorous aspects of this movie. They serve their purpose and are easily the most entertaining part of the movie aside from the violence and the emotional aspects near the end. Having said that, they’re a double edged sword. On the positive side, you’ve got Rocket’s raunchy dialogue, Drax’s socially awkward behavior, Quill’s pop culture references, and Baby Groot’s naïve attitude towards everything. I especially enjoyed what the director has done with the unfortunately named Taserface, whose self-chosen moniker has become the butt end of everyone’s crass insults. And then there’s also Rocket’s dismantling of Yondu’s army in the forest with his gadgets and traps. Rocket is easily the funniest character in the whole movie, bottom line, end of story.

But with every double edged sword, there are negatives to the positives. Marvel movies in particular get this criticism a lot, but nothing seems to change. While humor in and of itself is a major boost to any movie script, there are times when the casual jokes take away from the emotionally charged parts of the film. This descent from emotional highs is called bathos, an antonym for exalted. I would have loved to see some tearjerkers between Quill and Ego, Gamora and her vengeful sister Nebula, and Drax and the empathetic mantis named…well…Mantis. But alas, being funny was more important to the director than being emotionally invested. It must be a guy thing. The only real emotional connection the audience can feel with the movie is in the movie’s conclusion, which I won’t spoil save for that one tidbit. Something needs to change, Marvel. I hope you’re listening.

But don’t let this mild descent into bathos distract from the idea of this movie being entertaining from beginning to end. If you like hardcore sci-fi violence, you’ll certainly get plenty of that. If you like a well-crafted story with quirky characters and occasional lovey-dovey aspects, this movie has that in spades. If you like wild imagination with your sci-fi stories, and really, who doesn’t, buckle up for the ride. For all intents and purposes, this is a damn good movie that deserved to draw in all the money it did. You know that Futurama meme with Fry holding up a wad of cash and yelling, “Shut up and take my money!” That’s the attitude you should have with this movie. A passing grade will go to this fine piece of cinema!

Black Panther

MOVIE TITLE: Black Panther

DIRECTOR: Ryan Coogler

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Superhero

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Extra Credit

The secret African nation of Wakanda harvests a powerful mineral called vibranium and uses the unstable element as the basis for all of their technology. Part of their technological advancements include an impenetrable superhero suit for the king of Wakanda, T’Challa a.k.a. Black Panther. A mysterious black American soldier named Erik “Killmonger” Stevens wants the vibranium for himself so that he can carry out his own political agenda. The power struggle between Black Panther and Killmonger runs deeper than just superficial greed. Revenge, revolution, and altruism are at the heart of this battle in which loyalties will be tested on both sides of the equation.

The main reason this movie gets an extra credit grade is because of how strongly black people are portrayed. Representation matters, especially in a world where racism and classism governs every part of American life. The audience will love the Black Panther character for more reasons than just being a kick-ass superhero. There’s a struggle within him that’s more taxing than the physical battles he endures. He wants to be a good king to his people, but a small part of him wants to share his loyalty with the entire world despite protests from his own subjects. This dynamic between selfishness and altruism is something we all have to consider in our lives. We need to have empathy for each other if our world is going to know true peace and the director seems to agree with that sentiment. Blood begets more blood and love begets more love. Underneath all of the action-packed fight scenes, the truth resides, though some people aren’t ready to hear that truth, which is why we have the bloodbaths we have today.

But of course, if the power struggle is to be believed, then the villain must buy into his own hype and make a strong case for it. That’s exactly what Killmonger does and the actor’s portrayal of such is to be praised. Killmonger wants revenge on a world that looks down upon him with racist bigotry. He wants to overthrow entire governments just so he can flash a middle finger to the man. It goes to show that even in a superhero movie like this, there are shades of gray in between the two extremes. The audience actually has to think for themselves and decide what is right. I hate power hungry oligarchs as much as anybody, but do we need constant assassinations left and right? It’s easy to give into the dark side when anger becomes your driving force. Be better than that. I’m begging you.

No matter what side King T’Challa takes, he’s going to have to pay his dues with one hundred percent interest. Just because he’s a superhero, doesn’t mean he’s not vulnerable to losing every now and then. Physical strength and godlike endurance can only take a man so far. It’s what’s on the inside that will bring him to any victories he needs. Anybody can throw a spear. Anybody can shoot a machinegun. But the real enemy must be conquered from within and that takes more strength than a bullet can provide. Some people don’t have that strength and they either meet an early death or they cross the moral event horizon themselves. Can Black Panther pass his own moral test? Buy a ticket and see for yourself.

In the same way that Wonder Woman was empowering to females, Black Panther is empowering for black people. While it’s nice to live vicariously through the titular superhero, it’s what we do in the real world that will make the biggest difference. What will you do to make a change? Will your actions be more powerful than a lead bullet? Will you become superhuman by virtue of your work towards a better day? Black Panther will steer you in the right direction and for that it gets an extra credit grade.

Brat Man

Brat Man lived in his little superhero costume. Once elementary school was over, the uniform came off and the superhero outfit replaced it. Playing in the streets with his buddies kept him smiling, energetic, and happy in his young days. The more he played, the more he would fantasize about what being a superhero was truly all about. Why just arrest his Penguin and Joker-like friends when he could play in the big leagues? One Saturday night past Brat Man’s bedtime, he tiptoed out of the covers, put on his black leather uniform and mask, and sneaked out of the house through his window.

The night air felt refreshing against Brat Man’s honey brown skin. He took a deep breath, twirled his cape around him, and ventured out into the streets with a high and mighty swagger. So far, everything in the neighborhood was peaceful and quiet. Not one soul walking the streets this late at night. But then Brat Man strutted deeper into the streets and could hear the faint sounds of hip-hop music off in the distance. There was nothing wrong with that particular genre of music, but Brat Man imagined people in the neighborhood were trying to sleep.

The further the little superhero explored the streets, the less it felt like the safety of home. Barbed wire fences surrounded broken down buildings with spray-painted curse words on them. Smashed up cars with no wheels were parked on lawns and sidewalks every which way. Brat Man’s anxious chills multiplied throughout his body when he found a dead cat in the middle of the road. He reached down and petted the poor little thing, whose body had been pancaked by a careless driver. He wiped the blood on his cape and closed the precious baby’s eyes for good. He knew his services were needed now more than ever.

Brat Man snapped out of his animal-loving trance when a pair of combat boots stood in front of him. He slowly panned his head up to see a baldheaded white male with a swastika carved into his forehead and a Resting Bitch Face that could strike fear in the hearts of ferocious jungle beasts. The man wore a leather vest with several racist symbols on it as well as a pair of blue jeans that were several sizes too big. He also had the name “T-Money” tattooed across his neck with the T looking distinctively like another swastika.

The little superhero swallowed a huge gulp of saliva, but put on a brave front as he swirled his cape around him and said, “Give it up, T-Money! Your days of evildoing are over!”

The racist smiled a slimy-toothed smile before grabbing Brat Man by the chest and pulling the shivering young man him face-to-face. “Let me guess: you want to know what that hip-hop bullshit is playing in the background. Me too, buddy. In fact, if you’re such a fucking superhero, why don’t you go out there an see what those niggers are up to. Get them before they get away. Halloween’s over, but they’ll probably give you some candy anyways.” T-Money threw Brat Man to the ground and snickered at him.

The small child wiped the dirt off of his uniform and stood back up with his hands on his hips, defiant until the very end. In a godlike voice, he boomed, “Any last words before I take you to the authorities?”

T-Money shook his head before delivering a thudding knee to Brat Man’s stomach and dropping him to his knees. While the small fry gasped for air and whined in pain, the skinhead pulled Brat Man’s puffy until they were nose-to-nose yet again. “This ain’t no Marvel Comics bullshit, little guy. The hero ain’t going to win in the end. I tried being nice and letting you leave, but I guess your welfare momma spoiled your ass, so I’m probably going to have school you tonight.”

Brat Man threw the world’s weakest punch and only managed to hit something in T-Money’s pocket and bruise his own knuckles. The child cried and shook out his hand. The racist smiled and pulled out the object of Brat Man’s blind attack: a smart phone with a solid steel protection case. “You see this, you little bitch?” he said. “When you actually work for a living instead of lazing around on tax dollars, you can afford shit like this. Look at how strong this thing is!” The last sentence was punctuated by T-Money smashing the steel case against Brat Man’s temple, knocking him down and bringing tears to his eyes.

“Please, Mr. Money,” whined Brat Man. “No more. I just want to go home. I won’t read anymore comic books, I swear!” He held up his hands defensively to show that his begging was sincere.

“Nah, man, you ain’t going home tonight,” said T-Money. “If I let you go home, your welfare momma’s just going to spoil your ass some more. No more free rides, motherfucker. No more nigger money. No more of those geeky ass comic books.” He leaned down and whispered angrily, “Welcome to the real world, buddy. There are no heroes here. Just bad guys. Lots and lots of bad guys. In case there’s any confusion…”

T-Money pulled out a hypodermic needle filled with a mysterious substance and grabbed Brat Man firmly by the wrist, leaving purple marks in his wake. The little guy yelled, “No!” as loud as he could and squirmed around like a cat avoiding a flea bath. This was not the way he imagined his superhero life to be. Superman never had to worry about getting beaten to death by skinheads. Wonder Woman could break any sexist man with her warrior spirit alone. The Flash could run circles around even the biggest and baddest motherfuckers. Brat Man wanted all of that, but instead got a dose of heroin stabbed into his arm like a murderer’s knife.

Once T-Money pressed down on the plunger, Brat Man convulsed violently on the ground and coughed hard enough to bloody his mouth. He gasped for air while clutching the B symbol on his chest. Visions of T-Money blurred around him with a sadistic, devilish grin. The words, “Welcome to the real world” echoed like a schizophrenic demon in Brat Man’s head. The obtrusive sounds of sirens blaring caused Brat Man’s ears to pulsate with agony. The veins in his brains thumped and pumped to where they almost exploded. His vision grew dark and fuzzy until all that remained was cold silence.

In his nightmare, he huddled up for warmth while the bandages around his body did nothing to toast him up. The entire Justice League along with the Legion of Doom gathered in a circle around him, pointed, and laughed like horses at his “stupidity”. Tears flowed from Brat Man’s bloodshot eyes while he mouthed the words, “I’m sorry!” over and over again. No matter how many times he wiped his tears away, they just kept coming back stronger until they were more viscous than pipeline oil. Comic books formed a wall around him, but all he wanted to do was burn them all. With matches in hand, he struck the whole book and set the wall of paper ablaze while screaming, “I hate you! I hate you all!”

“Hey!” shouted a masculine voice, which jolted Brat Man out of his drug-induced nightmare. Except he wasn’t Brat Man anymore, not in those hospital bandages. The fact that he was lying in bed sicker than Superman around kryptonite made him even less of a hero on his mind. More tears were to come.

The trench coat and fedora-wearing detective standing over Brat Man’s bed patted him on the arm and said, “No more tears, young man. If you hadn’t dialed 9-1-1 when you did, we would have never caught that skinhead. We’ve been looking for him forever.”

Brat Man wiped his tears away and stuttered, “But…but…I didn’t call 9-1-1.”

“Maybe not on purpose, but somebody dialed 9-1-1 on T-Money’s phone,” explained the detective. Even in a drug-induced haze, Brat Man vaguely remembered accidentally striking T-Money’s phone. He pocket dialed the cops and they heard the entire conversation that night. Brat Man chalked this up to luck instead of having any real superhero potential.

“Make no mistake about it, young man,” said the detective. “Going out there in that silly superhero outfit at that time of night was dangerous. You may have done the right thing, but there’s always that chance that you could have died out there. Don’t ever do anything like that again.”

“I promise I won’t, sir,” sobbed Brat Man. “I hate being a superhero.”

“Funny you should mention that, sonny,” said the detective while ruffling Brat Man’s puffy locks. He pulled out his badge and showed it to the wide-eyed vigilante. “You see this? This is what a real superhero carries around with him. No kryptonite can ever take away this kind of power. But it takes a lot of work to get one of these. That includes doing well in school and training hard before you graduate. If you ever decide to be a superhero again, consider having this on your new uniform…when you’re old enough, that is.”

The cop left the room and gave Brat Man some privacy. He didn’t that much thinking time in order to know that the Brat Man gimmick was dead in the water. There was no way anybody could be that invincible. But with a police badge waiting for him at graduation, it was a good start. For the first time since being mauled by T-Money, Brat Man, or rather Officer Brat Man, formed a tiny smile on his face. But before he could take on the role of a real hero, he had to detox this poisonous drug out of his system. Beating withdrawal was a tough challenge worthy of a superhero’s might. He could do it. He had to do it!

Deadpool

MOVIE TITLE: Deadpool

DIRECTOR: Tim Miller

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Superhero

RATING: R for violence, sex, and language

GRADE: Extra Credit

Wade Wilson is wise-cracking antihero mercenary who discovers he has lung cancer. His only surefire treatment option is to be turned into an indestructible superhero by sadistic slave trader Francis Freeman. The process to become superhuman involves around-the-clock torture to wake up his mutated genes. Wade is cancer-free, but also has a hideous face that he believes will make his fiancé want to break up with him. Now the newly christened Deadpool must track down Francis and force him to fix his disfigurement. Deadpool not only has superhuman strength, speed, and healing abilities, but an ass-load of guns and knives at his disposal. That and the help of X-Men Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Deadpool’s one-liners and funny moments are easily the movie’s best features. Whether he’s glad Francis is wearing brown pants or he’s sarcastically offering to help Francis’s balding henchman lure children into his windowless van, there’s always a reason to laugh your ass off throughout the movie. It’s impossible to list every zinger this movie has to offer, because my review would be longer than the first Game of Thrones book. Yes, this movie has its downer moments, the cancer diagnosis and torture scenes being among them. But even in the darkest, most depressing parts of the movie, there’s another profanity-laced tirade around the corner. Whoever wrote the dialogue for this movie deserves a medal. And an Oscar. And the keys to the city. And a key to the playboy mansion. And…whatever the hell he wants!

And because it’s a marvel superhero movie, it has to have a hefty amount of violence. But due to its R rating, there’s a lot more freedom to splatter some blood everywhere. For example, Deadpool can spell out Francis’s name using the dead carcasses of his soldiers. He can cut off one guy’s head with a sword and soccer kick it into another guy’s head. He can use one bullet to splatter three different guys’ heads at the same time. He can pull out all of the martial arts tricks he wants, including some that would make Jackie Chan crap his pants. Word to the wise: if you want to keep your bones and your blood where they belong, don’t screw around with Deadpool. Don’t kidnap his girlfriend, don’t torture him, don’t make his face look like a giant scrotum, and don’t outclass him in his witty dialogue. Actually, it’s damn near impossible to do the last item on that list, but you get the point. Right?

The fact that Deadpool is a huge departure from regular Marvel movies is enough to earn an extra credit grade. Sure, any movie can be R-rated, but only Deadpool can make you laugh, cry, and giddy with deliciously violent excitement at the same time. And while you’re watching, enjoy the strategically placed soundtracks of DMX and Wham on the same album. You might as well make a greatest hits CD with Skillet and Marilyn Manson on the same CD too. Or Rage Against the Machine and Ted Nugent. Or…okay, that’s enough for now. The point is, Deadpool has earned every one of its five stars and there’s nothing anybody can do to take that happiness away from me. If you want to cry over the filthy language and sexual dialogue, Wade Wilson will be happy to drink your tears with a shot of rum. Congratulations, Deadpool, for being an overly awesome movie that exceeded expectations!

"Kick-Ass 3" by Mark Millar

BOOK TITLE: Kick-Ass 3

AUTHOR: Mark Millar

YEAR: 2014

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Superhero

GRADE: Pass

Following the events of Kick-Ass 2, Hit-Girl is locked in solitary confinement while Kick-Ass and his friends try to rebuild what’s left of their superhero team. New girlfriends, real world priorities, lack of preparation, freeloading teammates, and dissension among the team all play a factor in slowing down progress for Kick-Ass and his ambitions of keeping New York City safe. A team of superheroes is needed now more than ever since mafia boss Rocco Genovese is back in business and plans on uniting every east coast gang to form one big mega corporation that also includes corrupt cops. Can Kick-Ass and his crew get their ducks in a row? Can Hit-Girl escape from prison and reunite with her friends? These questions won’t get answered without a few splatters of blood and some broken bones along the way.

It’s been a long time in between reading Kick-Ass 2 and Kick-Ass 3. I had completely forgotten by then how delightfully brutal Hit-Girl can be. Even in solitary confinement, she manages to murder everyone who crosses her, smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels in her cell, and play with Hello Kitty cards all in the same day. When she unleashes her litany of tough guy swear words, she can back up every single one of them and go completely overboard in the process. Granted, I’m not a big fan of her anti-liberal remarks, but that’s only a tiny part of Hit-Girl’s overall character. She’s a badass in every sense of the word. If she can’t slice heads off or smash genitals into powder, she’ll outsmart her foes with explosives and guns. Lots and lots of guns. You mess with her, not only are you dead as a doornail, but you’re going to feel it in the afterlife as well.

The other thing I liked about this graphic novel is Kick-Ass’s struggles with balancing his superhero life with his personal one. There are times in the story where he seriously considers settling down with his new girlfriend and forsaking his superhero persona altogether. He blames himself and his obsession with Batman for his friends and loved ones being killed left and right. While capitulation isn’t a desirable trait in a superhero, it’s certainly an understandable one. It’s all a part of the normal life versus exciting life debate that goes on not only with fictional superheroes, but aspects of the real world as well whether it’s the music industry, Hollywood, wrestling, or professional sports. For a graphic novel that loves hardcore violence, it certainly makes you think a little bit every now and then.

Speaking of hardcore violence, it’s peppered everywhere in this comic book and I love it to pieces. Splatters of blood, crunching bones, sloshing organs, you name it, it happens. There’s even one painful scene where Hit-Girl punches a corrupt cup on the groin so hard that his whole pelvis explodes. It’s later learned that the poor guy lost sixty pounds since then. I don’t know how, but it sounds brutal nonetheless. There’s another scene where Hit-Girl slashes a gangster’s head in half horizontally, which reminds me of something that would happen in Kill Bill. In fact, if you took Kill Bill, Hostel, the Saw movies, and Blood Drive, put them all in a milkshake blender and watched the red juices overflow, that’s pretty much what Kick-Ass 3 is like. It’s gruesome as hell, but in a fun and delightfully sadistic way. Would this be considered a guilty pleasure?

Kick-Ass 3 lives up to the awesome reputation the first two installments did and wraps up the series in a nice little bundle. The ending is satisfying, no stone is left unturned, and everybody goes home happy. Well, I don’t know how happy anybody can truly be after everything Kick-Ass went through for three graphic novels, but there’s at least a modicum of solace in his new life. A passing grade goes to this excellent piece of badass violence! Great work, Mr. Millar!

One Million Faces

***ONE MILLION FACES***

One of my mother’s favorite nicknames for me is Sonshine (no, that’s not a typo), so it’s only natural that for my 32^nd birthday she would buy me a copy of Anette Olzon’s solo album called “Shine”. Before her termination in 2012, Anette Olzon was the lead singer for Nightwish and Tarja Turunen’s replacement in that same band. Her solo album is a much softer departure from her work with Tuomas Holopainen’s symphonic metal band. I contemplated referring to Anette Olzon as the female Michael Bolton with her new soft rock sound, but I don’t know if she would take it as an insult or a compliment, so I decided to keep it to myself. Hehe! Anyways, my favorite track on the CD has easily become “One Million Faces”. I listen to that song more often than anything else on that album and it’s because of the melodic and sorrowful nature that I’ve grown attracted to in music recently. If you’re ever surfing You Tube, be sure to look up “One Million Faces” by Anette Olzon. Or better yet, buy her entire solo album and support her music career. She’s been through a rough breakup with both her ex-husband and her old band Nightwish, so she needs all the support she can get. There’s not one bad track on that CD, but you’ll really get sentimental about “One Million Faces”. These are the lyrics:

VERSE 1

Where are those hidden miracles
We once shared
The laughter in the night
No one knows how the story goes
Make believes
Hidden like a ghost

CHORUS

All I wanted in my life was you
Dreams and moments that was shared with you
One million faces but the one I knew
Were all a masquerade
One million faces

VERSE 2

In the dark
In the darkest night
All I hear are shadows from behind
Now I see all the things so clear
But my pain still remains the same

CHORUS

All I wanted in my life was you
Dreams and moments that was shared with you
One million faces but the one I knew
Were all a masquerade

One million faces

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Normally, I begin my litany of self-promotions by talking about my next WSS contest entry. Yesterday evening, I already posted “The Golden Angel”, so that kind of spoils the surprise of it all. But with this new piece of superhero fiction comes new characters to draw. I’ve already drawn The Golden Angel himself and he looks like a weird hybrid between Goldust and Stardust from the WWE. The Dark Paladin, Goldie’s nemesis, is next on deck and he’s going to look just as terrifying as he was in that story, minus the maggot-infested dick.

***THE BEST IN THE WORLD: AT WHAT I HAVE NO IDEA***

If you follow me on Good Reads, you would have noticed that I deleted “Dana White: King of MMA” by June White from my reading list. I tried to read it earlier today, but I just couldn’t get into it. She repeats herself a lot, she has a boring writing style, and she tells instead of shows. I didn’t want to give her a one-star review because I generally don’t like giving those since they have the power to ruin an author’s reputation. So instead of dragging June White’s name through the mud, I decided my next nonfiction book should be a breath of fresh air: “The Best in the World: At What I Have No Idea” by Chris Jericho. Chris has always been a source of wisdom and entertainment in books past, so this third memoir of his should be just as exciting and fun.

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

CRAZY K: Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

DR. CUSHING: Why should they, Jerome? Are they saying things you don’t like to hear?

CRAZY K: So now you’re going to blame all this shit on me? You trying to make me crazy, motherfucker? I don’t owe any responsibilities to these motherfuckers!

DR. CUSHING: But you are responsible, Jerome, for the lives you’ve taken and for the dreams you’ve turned into nightmares.

CRAZY K: Nightmares? Motherfucker, what about my nightmares? What about the nightmare I’ve lived in? What about the nightmare I’ve lived in since I was born in this motherfucker? Who’s responsible for that?

DR. CUSHING: I don’t know, Jerome, you tell me! Who is responsible? Your mother? Your father? Your teachers? The world? Who?!

CRAZY K: Yeah, that’s right! All those motherfuckers created me! So now I’m the motherfucking nightmare!

DR. CUSHING: The nightmare ends when you say it does, Jerome! You’ve got to take responsibility to wake up! You’ve got to take responsibility to break this chain!

CRAZY K: I’ve only got one fucking responsibility in this world and that’s me! That’s it, motherfucker! So everybody and everything that ain’t me ain’t shit! Do you understand me?!

DR. CUSHING: That’s a question best posed to yourself. I’m giving you a chance! I’m giving you a shot at redemption! Do you understand that?!

CRAZY K: I don’t give a fuck about any of these stupid motherfuckers! So what you do is stop fucking with my mind, man, and let me out of this motherfucker!

DR. CUSHING: There’s nothing to stop you, Jerome.

(Crazy K breaks free and puts Nurse Roland in a sleeper hold.)

DR. CUSHING: Jerome!

CRAZY K: Shut the fuck up! Shut up! You let me out of this motherfucker or I swear to God I’ll snap this bitch’s neck!

DR. CUSHING: Jerome, it’s not too late to be saved! You won’t get another chance!

CRAZY K: I don’t need no motherfucking chance! You know why?! ‘Cause I don’t give a fuck! I said I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a FUCK!

-Tales From the Hood: Hardcore Convert-

The Golden Angel

The Golden Angel sat hunched over on a tree stump with a fiery look in his wild eyes. His bright yellow spandex, his dazzling angel wings, his flowing blond locks, they were part of an image that was all for nothing. He kicked a stone across the dirt into a nearby lake as he thought about what Pastor Jane had said over those airwaves. All of those homophobic slurs, every suggestion of violence, every invocation of hellfire and brimstone for the LGBT community, they caused his blood to boil like a witch’s cauldron. He kicked even more stones into the lake, every shot more aggressive than the last. Goldie even pounded the side of the stump with his fist and sat there in his grumpy state.

Normally the sounds of a woman screaming for help would send Goldie into an adrenaline fueled frenzy in an attempt to be the daring superhero he once was. With super strength and the power of flight, he could have won those fights in record time. But all he did was place a fist under his chin and stew angrily. The woman’s screams were more ear-piercing by the second and Goldie’s indifference turned to irritation. “What the hell’s going on around here?” he asked rhetorically.

Sure enough, a woman in gray sweatpants and a cyan hooded sweatshirt came screaming like hell as she leapt into the Golden Angel’s hulking arms. “Help me!” she cried. “He’s after me! The Dark Paladin is after me! He wants to give me his demon baby! Dear God, help me!”

Behind the drenched tears and bubbling snot of sorrow, Goldie recognized that face as clear as day: Mia Jane, the pastor’s twenty-something daughter. Same long black hair, same dimpled face, same gray eyes, and the same silver crucifix around her neck. Goldie glared at her before dumping her on the ground and causing her to crab walk backwards into another stump. “You’ve got some serious balls asking for my help, Miss Jane. Oh wait a minute, I forgot, women can’t have balls because that’s just an excuse to shower with little girls in the locker room. That is what your father said on the radio the other day, right?”

“Listen, Goldie, I’m begging you, please!” said Mia on her knees with her hands together prayer-style. “I’m sorry for everything my dad said about you and your…people. But you have to help me!”

“My people? What do I look like to you, a fucking alien?!” snapped Goldie as he shot up to his feet. “You think gay people like me are invaders from another planet? Oh wait a minute, they’re just Satan’s creations, which is something else your genius dad said.” He approached her with more muscle in his step. “You know what else he said? He was the one who outed me on national television! He’s the reason I’m hiding out here! What good is being a superhero if I can’t live in the fucking city where all the nasty shit is going on?! In fact, how do I even know The Dark Paladin is out here?! I didn’t hear him at all!”

“He’s here, Goldie. I saw him chase me. You have to believe me!” said Mia through a stream of tears not unlike the one rolling through the forest. “I was out here on my morning run and he flew right in front of me. He said he wanted to…” Her sentence was interrupted by an even bigger storm of tears.

Goldie’s furrowed eyebrows straightened when he knelt beside Mia and placed his pink gloved hand on her shoulder. “I desperately want to be a superhero again. But as long as your dad is spreading his ignorant bullshit around, nobody will let me in. The gay bar has been burned to the ground, transgender folks are being lynched, and I’m just another piece of this puzzle. If I wasn’t for my powers, I’d be a dead motherfucker by now. Just another footnote in Paulson City history. Just another body freezing at the morgue.”

“You’re more than that,” sobbed Mia. “You were an inspiration to us all. And now you’re just going to throw it all away because your feelings got hurt?”

Goldie’s hand slowly traveled up the back of her neck before he grabbed a handful of hair and snapped, “This is more than just emotions! People are dying! People are being beaten! They’re being tortured because of your father’s work! You’re damn right my feelings are hurt! But I bet you’ll be the quintessential tough bitch when it’s a member of your family that has to suffer through the torture!”

Trying to steady her chattering teeth from both the cold morning air and her sorrow, Mia said, “People are dying anyways because you’re out here doing nothing! You’re too good for them! Not everyone in the city is like my father!”

“But you are, Mia. I know you are,” whispered Goldie angrily. “You hang on his every word. You claim to be about love and honor while casting aside those who dare to be different, those who dare to be themselves. I’ve seen a million of your kind come and go, but I’d never thought you’d give up on your city’s only superhero just because you don’t like the fact that I fuck men!”

Mia’s brow furrowed as she smacked away Goldie’s clutch on her hair. “Who’s giving up on who?”

The two of them shared a moment of intense glares when the Golden Angel was blasted off his feet and into the creek, suffering a burn mark on his chest. Mia Jane screamed in horror once again and kept Goldie conscious long enough for him to pull his face out of the water to take in the view of The Dark Paladin. There he was with bulging red muscles, black metal armor, devilish horns, and yellow fangs dripping with the blood and flesh of a forest critter, potentially a squirrel.

“Miss Jane, I personally want to thank you for leading me to the Golden Angel. This couldn’t have been more perfect!” chuckled the Dark Paladin in a throaty voice.

Goldie glared evilly at Mia and whispered, “You bitch! This better not be true!”

“It’s not true! I would never do that! He’s lying!” yelled Mia. “I didn’t even know you were out here!”

“Bullshit!” roared Goldie as he leapt to his feet and took to the skies with his flapping angel wings. Every time Dark Paladin’s eyes radiated with red energy and he shot another scorching beam, Goldie would punch and kick them away like they were dodge balls. Having had enough of the demon’s laughter, the angel zoomed down upon him and threw heavy fists against his already contorted face.

Not one punch cracked bones or loosened teeth. “Is that the best you can do?” Darkie taunted. “Why don’t you try slapping me on the ass instead, lover boy?!” After throwing a mock kiss Goldie’s way, the superhero kneed Darkie in the balls and doubled him over, but only got another throaty laugh for his efforts. “Shouldn’t you take me out to dinner first?”

Dark Paladin attempted an ear clap, but Goldie ducted down and threw rapid fire punches against his stomach, each of them more powerful than the last, some of them cracking the metal armor, but not ribs like he intended. Goldie military pressed the Dark Paladin in the air and slammed him down against a gigantic stone, crumbling it into powder. The demon refused to sell his pain and instead gave a wicked grin.

“I’d say you fight like a sissy, but that’d be a little redundant, don’t you think?” said Darkie with a wink before throwing a knee against Goldie’s ribs and sending him rolling into the creek once more.

Mia Jane shouted, “No!” and ran by her would-be hero’s side. “Are you okay? Please be okay! I never wanted this to happen!”

“Get off of me!” shouted Goldie as he stood back up and attempted to dive bomb Darkie again with flying fists and feet. Instead all he got was a head butt to the skull upon landing. Dark Paladin grabbed the Golden Angel by his shin and twirled him so around so powerfully that the resulting whirlwind took Mia off her feet. Darkie slammed his nemesis against multiple trees and shattered them into beauty bark before tossing Goldie’s limp body on the ground, bloody and bruised.

Mia crab walked backwards in a shaky attempt to get away from the stalking Dark Paladin, who grunted at her, “Time to get my jollies, little lady! You’re giving birth to my child whether you want to or not! Don’t even bother going to one of those special clinics afterwards. Daddy dearest wouldn’t approve!” The last sentence was accentuated with a wink before the Dark Paladin dropped his metal pants and revealed not only his worm-infested meat, but also a familiar crucifix tattoo on his shin.

“D…Dad? Is that you? No…no, it can’t be! That’s impossible! You can’t be the Dark Paladin!” cried Mia while pounding the leaves on the ground with her fists.

“That’s right, honey! The Golden Angel ain’t going to help you this time! Not that he ever would, the little coward! Open wide, sweetheart!”

The Golden Angel’s vision was stained with blood and pieces of dirt, but he was conscious long enough to hear the entire conversation. It all made perfect sense to him now why Mia’s demonic father wanted to get rid of him. All the propaganda. All the lies. All the hate. Every one of the newly minted Dark Paladin’s dangerous words haunted Goldie’s mind like schizophrenic voices. Every time he said faggot, queer, or hell in the same sentence lit a hellish flame inside Goldie’s belly, a flame that burned brighter than the bloody pain he was feeling.

He watched Mia Jane crouch on the ground and close her legs as tightly as possible. He watched Dark Paladin’s rotten meat get harder and larger with every close step he took. The more Goldie watched, the more his heart was ready to explode in a volcanic burst. His eyes welled up with hot tears, his blood burned like acid, and his head pounded with a sledgehammer’s fury. He saw red for more reasons than Dark Paladin’s skin and the blood in his eyes.

In one swift motion ignorant of pain, Goldie flapped his wings and buzzed over to the Dark Paladin with a sharp stone in his hand. Before the demon knew what hit him, Goldie smashed the flat stone against Darkie’s groin and sliced off his monstrous genitals. Screaming agony and bloody fountains aside, no genitals meant no demonic birth, and no demonic birth meant the Dark Paladin’s plans for world conquest were ruined.

“You haven’t won shit, Golden Angel! I’ll see you in hell yet!” snarled the Dark Paladin before elbowing Goldie in the chest and sending him rolling backwards. With blood pumping out of the demon at a rapid rate, Darkie held his wound and flew away, dropping pus, maggots, and redness onto the ground below him. Mia Jane had been saved…for now.

The grateful preacher’s daughter, still bubbling with tears and snot, crawled quickly towards the downed Golden Angel and hugged him tightly, unintentionally aggravating his bloody wounds. “Thank you, Goldie! Thank you so much! I’m so sorry everything happened the way it did!”

Groaning painfully, Goldie wiped the blood off of his mouth and said, “Don’t be sorry, Mia. This isn’t over by a long shot. He’ll come back stronger than ever and we have to be ready.”

Mia gently stroked Goldie’s battered chest and said, “I’ll tell everyone the truth. The whole city will know who my father really is. I promise I will undo the damage he has done! This is not the loving priest I know! This is a monster!”

“You? You’re going to bring the people of Paulson City together? You’re going to end the hatred?!” scoffed Goldie. The two of them shared an intense stare together before the superhero said, “You’d better do it, Mia. You’re going to use your loudest voice possible. All that hellfire and brimstone crap? You’re going to use it to end this senselessness. You’re going to be the voice for positive change. You’re going to be the voice of the voiceless. Are you ready for that shit?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, Goldie. Ready as I’ll ever be!” said Mia as she wiped the tears and snot from her face with her sweater sleeve.

Wonder Woman

MOVIE TITLE: Wonder Woman

DIRECTOR: Patty Jenkins

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Superhero

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Extra Credit

In the middle of World War I, Amazon warrior Princess Diana grows up on an island of like-minded female fighters who train hard to one day be able to fend off an attack from Ares, God of War and slayer of Zeus. When an American spy crash lands on the island and is rescued from drowning by Diana, he unintentionally brings German soldiers with him and a battle ensues between the Amazons and the invaders. During the struggle Diana’s aunt is murdered in cold blood. Now Wonder Woman wants to venture outside the island to kill Ares herself in an attempt to bring an end to war. Her mother is against it at first, but knows she can do nothing to stop Diana and her independent ways.

We all know from past incarnations of Wonder Woman that she’s a badass superheroine who can withstand ungodly amounts of punishment and beat the hell out of anybody she deems fit for a royal ass-kicking. But she’s more than a mere fighting machine. Diana’s journey leads her to the shades of gray world of war, where nobody is purely evil or purely good. We all have to find the balance within ourselves and decide on our own what is right and wrong. This inner crisis makes Diana a stronger woman for what she goes through. She sees the horrors of war and decides she’s on the side of love and hope. The American spy she saves, Captain Steve Trevor, plays an intricate role in helping her see these shades of gray, but it is ultimately up to Diana which road to take. Her heroic aspirations are admirable, but she needs a little something extra. That is the point of this film and that’s a beautiful statement to make.

Part of Diana’s character development is learning the ways of the outside world since she spent all of her life on the island of Amazons. Watching her struggle to adapt is amusing at times and actually brings out the cuteness in her character. Whether she’s trying on outfits, figuring out relationships, or criticizing a general to his face, she comes off as socially awkward and that’s the source of comedy for this movie. My favorite part of this trope is when Steve Trevor’s secretary is describing what she does for a living and Diana says that it’s basically slavery. Can’t argue with that! But then there are some socially awkward moments that make her appear romantic, like when she learns out to dance (or sway from side to side) with Steve. This kind of culture shock is realistic for anybody who’s lived in isolation, but it doesn’t turn into a chaotic disaster and that’s what makes the quirk effective.

Of course, what would a superhero movie be without that delicious action-packed violence? Wonder Woman will give you plenty of that, but sometimes you’ll have to be a good little boy and wait patiently. The training on the Amazonian island, the crossing of No Man’s Land, and most definitely the final battle with Ares, these are all filled with martial arts action, gun play, and explosions. Lots and lots of explosions. It’s also quite refreshing to see a strong female role model like Diana dishing out these ass-kickings. And while we’re on the subject of role-modeling, please stop complaining about the “sexy” nature of her outfit. She can wear whatever she damn well wants to and beat the crap out of her opponents at the same time. Sexual predators would get beaten into powder if they tried anything they shouldn’t. If I was fighting a war of any kind, I’d want Wonder Woman on my side at all times. She’s tough, she’s brutal, and she’s brave as hell.

Now that we’re on the topic of feminist superheroines, there’s a massive elephant in the room that needs to be addressed. I’m sure most of my audience has read in the news about a theater in Austin, Texas having an all-female screening of the movie as a show of solidarity and girl power. Even though I’m a man, I’m not at all offended by that. The reason we have feminism in the first place is because for far too long women have been treated like second class citizens. They still get treated that way today. Good for that movie theater for stepping up! And good for Gal Gadot for putting on an awesome show for that female audience! Because of the profound influence this movie has had on the female community, I’m giving it an ultra-rare Extra Credit grade! How does that sound?!