Disconnect and Float Away

VERSE 1

Could’ve been an actor, but they never wanted me

They’d rather have a boy who doesn’t cry about sodomy

Instead of wildflowers and an Oscar or two

I dissociate and watch with a panoramic view

Let someone else fuck with the flying shield

Let Leo the Lion nip at someone else’s heels

Let the circle-eared mouse be the Speaker of the House

Let me wear a straightjacket, let them call it a blouse

CHORUS

Disconnect and float away

Fly to the same god in which you pray

Gravity may be a matter of physics

But crashing on your face is a matter of civics

VERSE 2

I hear the bootstrap rhetoric through a megaphone

But I dissociate in the comfort of my own home

Out of body experience, so I ain’t hearing this

Can’t buy a plane ticket, so it ain’t mysterious

A dick-shaped rocket can’t take me away from the discourse

Still get pissed on by the king and his horse

Send my brain into space, in a far away place

Where supernovas burn like a face full of mace

CHORUS

Disconnect and float away

Fly to the same god in which you pray

Gravity may be a matter of physics

But crashing on your face is a matter of civics

BRIDGE

Took a massive vacation from the deaths and inflation

Now the work has piled up like a crash in a train station

I could put it off until the end of my days

As long as someone else suffers and someone else pays

EXTENDED CHORUS

Disconnect and float away

Fly to the same god in which you pray

Gravity may be a matter of physics

But crashing on your face is a matter of civics

Disconnect and fly to the sun

For the time I’ve been given, it’s sure been fun

Come back to the earth, it’s a prison furlough

Freedom was nice, but I still hurt, though

Why I Don't Believe in Aliens

I don’t want it to seem like I’m breaking a longstanding oath to the Jedi order, because in order to do that, I’d have to acknowledge the slim possibility of Jedi knights being real. I’d have to watch Star Wars and Star Trek like they’re documentaries. I’d have to play Starcraft like I’m reviving Kriegspiel. These things that I’ve mentioned are labeled as science-fiction, keyword there being fiction. If they were nonfiction, our world would be fucked, even more so than it is now in the year 2020 with Corona Virus and governmental tyranny. Okay, so we MIGHT have a Jabba the Hutt look-alike in the oval office right now, but that’s as close to admitting the realness of aliens that you will get from me. That’s right. I can’t believe I have to say this, but I’m going to anyways. My name is Garrison…and I don’t believe in aliens. Never have, never will.

Aliens do make for some interesting creative fuel, I’ll admit. I played the hell out of Starcraft from 2000 to 2001. I slashed the shit out of everyone with the Protoss zealots’ photon blades. I ate space marines alive with the Zerg’s blade-fanged Ultralisk creature. Every piece of fiction I’ve ever written during that time period was basically Starcraft thievery, which I would get defensive about because I didn’t want to get stuck in a frivolous copyright lawsuit. But let’s be real: Zerglings, Ultralisks, Hydralisks, Protoss dragoons, Protoss carriers, Protoss templars, they can only be enjoyed on a fictional basis. If these biological monstrosities existed in the real world, they would ransack the shit out of earth and we’d be completely defenseless. How’s that Space Force working out for you, Mr. President?

I know I’m going to hear the argument somewhere down the line, “Well, Garrison, are you so arrogant that you believe earthlings are the only ones who exist in the universe?” Until I see otherwise, yes, I am. Where are all these lizard people that I keep hearing about? Where are the goopy Martians with their slime-covered bodies and bug eyes? When is Darth Vader going to destroy the world with his Death Star? I don’t see any of these things. I don’t pick up on them with my other senses either. If I can’t sense them in any way, I’m not going to believe in them just because there’s a small chance they MIGHT exist outside of the Milky Way.

I treat extraterrestrial life with the same amount of skepticism that I do religious deities, which is to say I’m an atheist through and through. If I don’t believe God, Allah, or Shiva exist, why would I suddenly believe that aliens exist? Religion and alien culture have the same amount of proof to convince me, which is to say none at all. This is just my take on it, though. If other people want to practice religion or believe in wacky ideas, I’m not going to try and stop them. Me personally? I refuse to believe in something I have no proof exists. And as long as we’re crossing gods and aliens off the list, where’s all the zeal for other fantasy and sci-fi creatures? What about ogres? What about goblins? Or elves? Or dragons? Or big ass tarantulas? How come the people who put so much stock into aliens don’t believe in those things as well? “Are you so arrogant that you believe elves don’t share this world with us?”

Like I said before: aliens should be treated as fictional characters in enjoyable science-fiction. They should not influence politics on any level. We should not have radio show hosts and podcasters spouting conspiracy theories about aliens poisoning our drinking water or shoving rods up our asses. We shouldn’t have conspiracy theories about anything else as well, whether it’s Obama being from Kenya, the earth being flat, pizza shops being safe havens for pedophiles, or COVID-19 being a hoax designed to derail conservatives. The silliness alone seems harmless and can even be explored in filmmaking or story writing, but the minute people start dying in the real world over them, that’s when I have a problem. Hundreds of thousands of people have died from COVID-19 because the public and its politicians aren’t taking it seriously. What does this have to do with aliens? I don’t know, but I bet their existence could be shoehorned into these theories to gain political leverage. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again.

You know what I really love about alien culture? This idea of anal probing, which was made popular by that season one episode of South Park where Cartman gets a metal rod shoved up his ass. Later in the episode, the rod expands into a satellite dish that communicates with extraterrestrials. Please tell me you don’t think South Park is nonfiction. Just laugh at the comedy. Don’t take it too seriously. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of the show, don’t take life too seriously and they would encourage their audience to follow suit. Nobody’s going to shove a glowing metal rod up your ass. If they do, you’re probably stuck in a BDSM dungeon. Or the pawn shop from Pulp Fiction, one of the two.

I know I’m ranting and raving over here, but I actually have a message to go along with this aggression. If you’re going to believe in something, don’t use that as an excuse to hurt others. You can believe in Jesus all you want, but don’t beat up LGBT members because of it. You can believe in aliens all you want, but don’t use that as an excuse to influence world politics and radicalize already unstable people. Do whatever you want to do as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else.

Nobody will mind if you watch Star Trek: the Original Series and be blown away by the philosophical nature of it. Nobody will mind if you enjoyed all nine episodes of Star Wars instead of just episodes four through six. Nobody will mind if you play Starcraft until your ass is sore from sitting for so long (and not because the Protoss shoved a photon rod up your anus). If we could all just agree to get along and not hurt each other, the world would be a better place. Write that sci-fi novel. Write that lizard man movie script. Put together a videogame about venomous blobs of goo from Jupiter and Saturn. Do what Nickelback did in the song “Million Miles an Hour” and travel through the galaxy after taking that “everlasting pill”. Do what you want and don’t be a dick!

If you have anything you want to add to this conversation, speak now before the UFO comes to my house and pulls me onboard with their tractor beam! Ooo, I know! Why do UFO’s have to be circular disks? Why can’t they be any other shape? How about a cylinder? How about a trapezoid? How about a pyramid? Imagine a pyramid-shaped vessel that could spin in circles like a drill and mine our precious resources from the depths of the planet. Now that’s a hell of a novel prompt! Don’t worry, I’m not trying to stir shit up and make you even more paranoid than you already are. But just imagine the possibilities of a spinning pyramid ship helmed by elven warlocks and dragon necromancers. Imagine that they’re harvesting our oil to fuel an even greater weapon to use against the ogre and Protoss alliance, crushing their oppressors once and for all! Now there’re no excuses for a blank page!

"The PROX Transmissions" by Dustin Bates

BOOK TITLE: The PROX Transmissions
AUTHORS: Dustin Bates
YEAR: 2017
GENRE: Graphic Novel
SUBGENRE: Science Fiction
GRADE: Pass

A greedy one-percent corporation who wants total control of humanity-saving technology? Check. That same corporation wanting to keep the masses ignorant and amnesic? Check. A secret society that wants to make the technology public so that we don’t live through an apocalypse? Check. And what about a couple of pawns who happen to be highly-esteemed engineers? Double check. When you strip away the sci-fi elements, this graphic novel begins to read like a prophecy. Unlike Mike Judge, Dustin Bates wasn’t off by 490 years. This is classic capitalist dystopia at its most dangerous. When profits come before people, the people won’t remain and they’re the most important resource we have. The loudest voices of our generation are being silenced, provided those voices don’t belong to the willfully ignorant or the economically powerful. If this graphic novel about decoding a space transmission doesn’t serve as a warning to humanity, I don’t know what will.

I know this book doesn’t seem like much of a message given it’s only eighty-eight pages and the first half of it is riddled with cheesiness. Sometimes the dialogue seems like an exposition dump or wholly unrealistic. The romantic relationship between Stephen and Dana happened way too quickly, which might have been by design considering what we learn about Dana. Some of the main characters are removed from the plot too easily and when they come back it almost seems like Deus Ex Machina. While I appreciate the scientific terminology being broken down into laymen’s terms, that too feels a lot like an exposition dump. The sob story that Stephen tells Dana about his ongoing divorce feels forced and only thrown in there as a ham-fisted attempt to garner sympathy. The fact that it was so endearing to Dana is a little bit sick. After this first half was over, I wrestled with myself about what grade I should give this book.

And then the second half came along and everything became as clear as day. The action got hot and heavy in a hurry when the assassination attempts on the main characters were taken more seriously. The cryptic text messages weren’t just a cliché plot device after all and actually led to the greater good. The technology that the evil corporation wants to get their hands on would quite frankly go a long way in rebuilding our economy in the real world. The anti-capitalist themes were more apparent and more urgent-sounding. There were twists and turns that made me forget about the Deus Ex Machina reinsertion of lost characters. The ending brings about a full circle effect that leaves the story open-ended, much like the uncertainty of life itself. I guess what I’m trying to say with this paragraph is that if you’re waiting for things to stop being cheesy and start being real, then your patience will be rewarded with a brilliantly-written story. The eighty-eight pages will feel jam-packed with everything you’re looking for in a dystopian journey.

The author of this graphic novel, Dustin Bates, also happens to be the lead singer and songwriter for the electronic rock band Starset. He doesn’t just write a neat little story; he lives the gimmick. He believes everything he says and we should listen to him. Does the sci-fi aspect seem silly to ordinary people? Absolutely. But does the genre make the message any less important? No way. Whether you think he believes his own gimmick too much or not, Dustin Bates is doing what every classic sci-fi storyteller has done before him: predict the future and call his readers to arms. For that, this graphic novel deserves four out of five stars.

"Before Watchmen: Nite Owl and Dr. Manhattan" by J. Michael Straczynski

BOOK TITLE: Before Watchmen: Nite Owl and Dr. Manhattan

AUTHOR: J. Michael Straczynski

YEAR: 2013

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Superhero

GRADE: Pass

This prequel to the original Watchmen graphic novel features three separate stories of political bloodshed and philosophical heartache. Nite Owl is seduced by a dominatrix-style madame named Twilight Lady into helping her solve the mystery of her slain call girls. Dr. Manhattan travels between time and space as he wrestles with his conscience over his godlike abilities and how they should be used. Moloch takes revenge against an unloving world after he grows up bullied and broken over his “ugly” features. Nobody will be left unscathed by these violent tales, not even the almighty reader himself.

As someone who enjoys a good love story, I’m particularly fond of the relationship between Nite Owl and Twilight Lady. Of course, there shouldn’t be any debate that this would never work since Twilight Lady is a true professional who never falls in love. But after all of their romantic interactions, the reader actually wants to root for them. Twilight Lady can read Nite Owl like a book. She knows when he’s blushing underneath the mask. She knows he’ll do anything to protect her since he grew up with an abusive father. She knows his intentions are pure. And yet, this puts Nite Owl at odds with the ultra-conservative superhero Rorschach, who moonlights as a janitor at a church. All of this character interaction and all of this drama, it makes for some pretty damn good storytelling that will leave you brooding long after it’s all over.

I wish the same could be said for Dr. Manhattan’s story, but unfortunately, it was my least favorite of the three. While the idea of a godlike superhero struggling with his conscience can make for some thought-provoking creative fuel, the philosophical tropes seem to take precedence over the story itself, making for a confusing read. There were times in this story when I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Hell, none of it really became clear to me until the end, which I won’t spoil for my readers. It shouldn’t take that long for a story’s sensibility to kick in. It was for this reason alone that I once considered giving the book a mixed grade, but ultimately, I decided against that when I read Moloch’s story.

If you’ve ever wanted to live out a revenge fantasy, Moloch’s story is for you. Surely there has been a time in your life when you’ve felt unloved, unappreciated, and downright despised. Moloch’s gremlin-like appearance made him a target for bullies whether it was a stereotypical mean girl or a jock who loved beating people up. Rising above all of that trauma is hard, so what does Moloch do? He turns to a life of crime and rakes in a huge pile of cash while doing so. I wouldn’t recommend anybody do this in real life, because Moloch you are not and to prison you will go. But if you want to live vicariously through him for a little while, he’s certainly sympathetic enough for the reader to do just that. But never forget that he’s a villain above all else, so don’t get too attached to him.

I dare say that Alan Moore, the creator of the original Watchmen comic books, should be proud of J. Michael Straczynski for what he’s done. I’ll take it one step further. If the author of this book wants to do a prequel to any of my own books, I won’t turn him down. Hell, I’d give my left eye if it meant he’d work for me. The art is fabulous, the writing is superb, and the book overall is very much worthy of its passing grade, Dr. Manhattan story aside.

Fine

VERSE 1

Watching Metallica shredding up a storm

Having eargasms in this heavy metal porn

Flamethrowers lighting up the fucking sky

So intense in the pit, you could fucking die

A night of badass music is in the books

This thrashed up body is exactly how it looks

You could do it again until the end of days

But when asked about it, you’ll only just say…

DEADPAN CHORUS

It was fine

VERSE 2

Losing your virginity to a Hollywood babe

Porno actresses want to be your love slaves

Cumming your whole body inside out

Orgasms so intense, you can only shout

Sex forever in the sunny beach weather

Who’ll it be today, a chick named Heather?

You could do it again until the end of time

But your only response gives another rhyme:

DEADPAN CHORUS

It was fine

VERSE 3

Driving around on the lunar surface

Floating in the air never felt so perfect

Planet earth is so many miles away

Yet all you can do is fucking say…

DEADPAN CHORUS

It was fine

BRIDGE

I don’t know if it’s laziness

Or a case of mental haziness

Fine is your answer for everything

If it feels good or fucking stings

ENERGETIC CHORUS

It was fine! X4

Laser Rocket Bomb

Childhood is a time when imaginations run wild and people are free to be their silly selves. I certainly was no exception when I was growing up in the early 1990’s in California. My favorite way of exercising my imagination was playing with Legos. I had one Lego piece that was a rod attached to a five-studded single block. The side studs had switches on them and the top stud had a long red laser pole. These pieces obviously came from a space adventure set I had (in case you didn’t already guess from the laser pole). What kind of thing could I imagine this Lego piece to be? How about a weapon that can blow shit up like Hiroshima? How about I call this Lego piece…a Laser Rocket Bomb. I shit you not. My creativity was wild, but my vocabulary was minimal. Then again, in the early 90’s I was only a fucking kid, give me a break. Seeing as how I was a kid, I didn’t know how serious nuclear war was. There was even a time when I thought dead people could be brought back to life by CPR. Naturally, I wanted the Laser Rocket Bomb to be a real weapon I could use on people. I often imagined it being used to blow up my school so I didn’t have to go anymore. That’s pretty sadistic, but being young and naïve has that effect on a child. Imagine if I actually tried to build this weapon out of raw materials. I would need three light switches, a small rocket engine, a light saber (from Star Wars fame), and a grenade in the middle of the whole contraption. I ran this idea by my older brother James and he had enough wisdom to tell me that I would die while making it. Pulling a pin on a grenade will set it off whether the light saber handle is stuck in the hole or not. I’ll be the first to admit that the Laser Rocket Bomb isn’t a very practical military weapon. What exactly would the point of the light saber be? Doesn’t the grenade and rocket engine do enough damage? Do we really need that extra amount of overkill? And why are grenades and rocket engines paired together in the first place? Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this weapon was used during the Bush administration during the Iraq War. In fact, if George W. Bush attempted to build the Laser Rocket Bomb himself, we probably wouldn’t have an Iraq War. Let this be a lesson to everyone who wants to exercise their imagination. Get it out of your system when you’re a kid and don’t know how the world works yet. When you’re older and it all makes sense, it won’t be so fun anymore.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Politicians are like a box of chocolates: the democrats are soft and gooey on the inside and the republican party just has a bunch of nuts in it.”

-Bill Maher-

Time Cruisers and Time Twisters

I’ll be the first to admit that history wasn’t always my favorite subject in school. I always thought literature from the middle ages was supposed to be like a Dungeons & Dragons adventure. I also thought the 1800’s were supposed to be a wild west adventure complete with gun slinging and steam punk paraphernalia. I was sorely disappointed when I found out these things were false. I have the C’s on my report card to prove it. With the Time Cruisers and Time Twisters Lego sets and a big imagination, I didn’t have to conform to the history books. The middle ages didn’t have Bat Knights you say? The future doesn’t have Insectoid robots? Fuck that shit! If Dr. Cyber and Tim are a part of my playtime, I say make it so. No teacher screaming in my ear is going to tell me otherwise. This was all back in 1996 and 1997 when these particular Lego sets were popular. Dr. Cyber and Tim, better known as the Time Cruisers, had these creative-looking vehicles with dragon wings, fire engines, and hypnotic disks. Tony Twister and Professor Millennium, better known as the villainous Time Twisters, also had fun-looking vehicles, but this time the hypnotic disks were black and blue and each set came with bat wings, skeletons, chains, god knows what else. The Time Cruisers and Time Twisters would always butt heads in the magical Dark Forest, the mysterious reaches of the moon, the gun slinging bloodbath of the Wild West, or anywhere else my imagination could take me. But as I said, this was during the sixth grade, which was between 1996 and 1997. After those wonderful years of badass time travel, Lego decided to pull the plug on those two series. Ever since then, Dr. Cyber, Tim, Tony Twister, and Professor Millennium have been without work and were only remembered by a select few Generation Y members who actually wanted to bring their creativity to life. I say it’s time we resurrect their legacy from the bowels of forgotten Lego lore. But how are we going to do that other than buy their sets on eBay (the only place they can be found these days)? Could we write fan fiction about them? Maybe the Lego corporation has enough amnesia they wouldn’t notice if somebody breached their copyright clause. Are you willing to take that risk? Is there anybody out there who would gladly take this chance? Yes, fan fiction is an accepted art form on various websites, but what about the real world? Could we actually see a paperback novel about the Time Cruisers and Time Twisters on Barnes & Noble’s bookshelves? It seems to me that’s the best way to bring attention back to these underrated chronomancers. If not, then I guess we’ll just have to keep them alive in our hearts and memories. But you have to admit, hearts and memories can be lonely places at times, not at all unlike solitary confinement.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“When I was a kid and I got sick, I would go to a doctor who would take me to the hospital to be treated by other doctors. Now I go to a family practitioner who’s part of a health maintenance organization which sends me to a wellness center to be treated by healthcare delivery professionals.”

-George Carlin-