Rest in Power, Gay Reynolds

 His driver’s license said Gabriel, he went by Gay

He’d do anything and anyone to get his fat payday

He had the 70’s moustache and a tray full of ash

Viagra and cocaine tucked inside his private stash

Eight hours of on-camera sex was what he had

A waterfall climax until his pecker looked so sad

For god knows how much money, the gig wasn’t bad

No longer will he miss a payment on his bachelor pad

Couldn’t find this kind of cheddar jockeying a cash box

Couldn’t find all these greenbacks curing smallpox

Would end up on the streets if he went to school to teach

Couldn’t cut it as a field hand picking every last peach

But the biggest price he paid when he got himself laid

Was some protests on his lawn and some online shade

More DM’s in his inbox than he could possibly delete

Asking for a free fuck, on their marriages they cheat

Every judgmental eye stares some daggers in his soul

They know about every hole, terrorism is their goal

A Molotov bomb thrown through his front window

Before they even get a chance to try to fucking know

What his struggles really are, explosives in his car

Blowing every little piece of him fifty feet apart

Why all of the hate for a guy trying to get by?

Couldn’t win against capitalism even if he tried

No love from the police, not a desist or a cease

Not even a bodyguard with a wild pay increase

The world learned to hate, so they sealed his fate

Could’ve been a porno legend, could’ve been great

Everybody mocks what they don’t understand

Rest in Power, Gay Reynolds, in the Promised Land

Never did he know that he left behind a daughter

Mother was a fellow actress also led to slaughter

A kid in foster care never stood a chance there

I wouldn’t blame her if she was constantly scared

Calling out for her parents but the bullies answer

Wishing her to have a malignant form of cancer

Who is anybody to point and laugh and judge?

Roles were reversed? Life would be just as tough

It's Not Porn

CHORUS

It’s!

Not!

Porn!

VERSE 1

Lesbian ladies on a double-decker bus

Homophobic men spying on their love

“Give us a show and make the fuck out

While we snort with our big piggy snouts”

The answer was no because they said so

Barbaric men decked them in the nose

Punching, screaming, secretly creaming

Where are the police when you need them?

CHORUS

It’s!

Not!

Porn!

VERSE 2

Unconscious girl behind a dumpster

Rapist swimmer summons the thunder

He called it twenty minutes of action

As he grinned with sick satisfaction

Slap on the wrist for Mr. White Privilege

A new idiot for the concrete village

He blamed it all on the damn alcohol

But at least his career never had to fall

CHORUS

It’s!

Not!

Porn!

BRIDGE

The faces of hate in the Sunday paper

The violence never seems to taper

No abortions for the pregnant victims

The right-wing never wants to listen

VERSE 3

If they dress like “sluts” and you grab their butts

Don’t be surprised when they kick you in the nuts

A revealing cosplay doesn’t give you the right

To fill her head full of trauma every fucking night

The real world isn’t like the porn on your computer

This urban war zone isn’t a First Person Shooter

You weren’t the first and you’re not the last

To need to have your head pulled out of your ass

CHORUS X4

It’s!

Not!

Porn!

Fine

VERSE 1

Watching Metallica shredding up a storm

Having eargasms in this heavy metal porn

Flamethrowers lighting up the fucking sky

So intense in the pit, you could fucking die

A night of badass music is in the books

This thrashed up body is exactly how it looks

You could do it again until the end of days

But when asked about it, you’ll only just say…

DEADPAN CHORUS

It was fine

VERSE 2

Losing your virginity to a Hollywood babe

Porno actresses want to be your love slaves

Cumming your whole body inside out

Orgasms so intense, you can only shout

Sex forever in the sunny beach weather

Who’ll it be today, a chick named Heather?

You could do it again until the end of time

But your only response gives another rhyme:

DEADPAN CHORUS

It was fine

VERSE 3

Driving around on the lunar surface

Floating in the air never felt so perfect

Planet earth is so many miles away

Yet all you can do is fucking say…

DEADPAN CHORUS

It was fine

BRIDGE

I don’t know if it’s laziness

Or a case of mental haziness

Fine is your answer for everything

If it feels good or fucking stings

ENERGETIC CHORUS

It was fine! X4

Creative Fuel For Kids

***CREATIVE FUEL FOR KIDS***

When I was a kid and I got in trouble, I made no mention of the media I liked because if I did, that particular medium would get taken away from me. I’m sure we can all relate to this in one way or another. Let’s say for instance you and your older brother wanted to practice martial arts. One of you gets injured, so what do the parents do? They take away your Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee movies. As a kid, you keep insisting that those movies don’t make you act the way you do and there may be some truth to that.

However, there’s also a truth to the ratings they put on TV shows, movies, and videogames. If a seven-year-old watches the Faces of Death documentary from the late 1970’s, then he’ll grow up thinking those graphic images are a normal part of life. In some ways they are, but that mentality takes away from the beauty that life can become. That’s not to say that movies turn kids into murderous sociopaths, because that’s a stretch. Those same movies do however define normality for those kids for the rest of their lives.

Take me for instance. I didn’t become a fan of WWE until I was six years old and at that age, I didn’t want to believe it was scripted and that wasn’t how people fought in real life. Over the years, WWE started incorporating more disgusting storylines that involved racism, sexism, sexuality, and humiliation. I watched all of that until my mom banned wrestling from the house for the foreseeable future.

But that didn’t stop me from finding other sources of creative fuel that were to my liking. I watched Pulp Fiction when I was 11 and didn’t question any of that movie. I had it in my mind that you didn’t have to be a racist in order to use racial slurs. Boy, was I wrong. I watched Clerks when I was 13 and thought the words “cock” and “cunt” were exclusive to that movie. I was wrong again.

And then I was 14 years old when I watched my first soft-core porn movie. It was called Playtime and focused on female masturbation. Ever since watching that horny movie, I started looking for internet porn and somehow thought sticking a ball gag in a girl’s mouth and sucking her feet was an instant turn-on. It’s not. In fact, most girls I know think that’s weird.

So let’s take an inventory of all the horrible things I thought were normal: violence as a solution to everyday problems, women dressing in skimpy clothing, racial slurs with no racism behind them (or so I thought), instant lesbianism, gay jokes in public places, god knows what else. Good thing I’m not a sociopath or else this would have been a really destructive life.

In spite of all the misconceptions of what acceptability was, I’d like to think I’ve always been on the benevolent side of the spectrum. I got in so many fights in high school not because I was a psychopath, but because I wanted to end bullying and injustice. Ending those things is admirable on any level. So at best, my intentions were always pure, but my methods were questionable. Cussing out internet folk to end trolling? Doesn’t work. Using ball gags and duct tape during an internet version of “making love”? Doesn’t work without consent. Using the word “faggot” because Immortal Technique used it liberally despite being a leftist? Yeah, not going to happen.

I’m not trying to convey the message that media makes small children into school shooters. It doesn’t. It does however set the standards for what children perceive as normal and justified as they grow up into adults. Children absorb everything like a sponge. And I do mean everything. They don’t develop a strong filter for bullshit until they’re teenagers, where they rebel against everything that doesn’t agree with their lifestyles.

I suppose you could blame parents for allowing kids to see things they shouldn’t, but that’s not necessarily true. Kids today have access to materials that can be hidden from even the most watchful parent’s view. Even if parents could monitor their children 24/7 (which they can’t), kids can be sneaky and venture into worlds that nobody else can stop them from seeing.

Frankly, I’m more concerned about parents who abuse their children instead of parents who fail to catch their children watching a bloody kung fu flick. I was fortunate enough to have loving parents and a healthy childhood. No school shootings or other criminal behavior here. In fact, I have no criminal record at all, so that’s one less thing I have to worry about.

I was bound to have a wakeup call sooner or later on what was decent and what wasn’t. In the summer of 2014, I wrote an erotic short story for the WSS called “Tainted Love”, where the female protagonist was bound and gagged by a complete stranger and loved every minute of it. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself in my life. No woman in her right mind would ever think being kidnapped by a criminal is sexy. But that’s what maturity is all about: having experiences, learning from the mistakes, and chipping away at the rough edges to make a beautiful sculpture.

I’ve said enough for today. I welcome all viewpoints and talking points as long as they’re decent and maturely presented. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTEST AND COMPANY***

The new week started yesterday and the theme is “homeless”. My story, should I get around to writing it, will be called “I, Barbarian”. Yes, I get stereotyped by my family a lot for writing barbarian stories, so if you have a joke, let it out now or forever hold your peace. The story goes like this:

　

CHARACTERS:

　

Magnus Warcry, Bear Barbarian
Corey Darkside, Human Barbarian
Ace Hank, Sheriff

　

　

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Corey is being accused of vagrancy, which is defined as wandering around without a permanent address (aka being homeless).

　

　

SYNOPSIS: Ace brings Corey to the police station on charges of vagrancy and resisting arrest. While he’s interrogating her, she insists that her barbarian gimmick isn’t an act and that Magnus Warcry must be defeated. Ace is contemplating sending Corey to a mental institution when Magnus shows up to the police station and starts mauling everything and everyone in sight. Not only is Corey Darkside not crazy after all, but she might be Paulson City’s only hope in this battle of primitive warriors.

　

***AMERICAN DARKNESS***

Yes, I know you all were expecting three more edited short stories, but they won’t get here today or even tomorrow. I took a one-day vacation from editing today so that I could catch up on my reading obligations to Edward Davies, Paul McAvoy, and Daniel Bryan. I’ll probably take another one-day vacation so that I can concentrate on “I, Barbarian”. I can take as many vacations as I want, so suck it. Besides, I only have four more stories from American Darkness to edit, so I’ve pretty much got this in the bag.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Ladies, at least one time in your man’s life (at least once, don’t let him lie), he has stood in front a full-length mirror absolutely naked and he tucked his dick between his legs to see what he’d look like as a woman. And men, if you haven’t done that yet, you will now that I’ve mentioned it.”

-Tommy Blaine-

Clerks

MOVIE TITLE: Clerks

GENRE: Independent Comedy

RATING: R for graphic language and sexual themes

GRADE: Pass

Convenience store clerk Dante Hicks is called into work on his day off and has to deal with a barrage of moronic customers from anti-smoking zealots to tabloid freaks to egg sorters to even two drug dealers named Jay and Silent Bob. To pass the time, Dante has philosophical pop culture conversations with his best friend Randal Graves, who works at the video store across the street. Dante’s love life is on the line as well as he contemplates keeping his loyal girlfriend Veronica or shacking up with his high school sweetheart Caitlin. All of the nasty things that happen to Dante reiterate his catchphrase “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” again and again.

Because it’s an R-rated movie, Clerks relies heavily upon crude sexual humor, the most prominent examples being the significance of the number 37 (don’t ask), Randal ordering porn movies in front of young customers, and Dante and Randal having a conversation about nudie booth janitors in front of an easily offended customer.

There’s also humor in the antics of the stupid customers who torment Dante and Randal on a frequent basis, the opening example being a Chewley’s Gum salesmen who riles up a crowd of smokers to sell more gum. Others include the “milk maids” (women who look for jugs of milk with the latest expiration date), a girl who asks for an item’s price even though the sign is right behind her, and a perverted old man who takes a porn magazine into the bathroom and dies on the toilet.

If the humor doesn’t get you laughing until your ribs hurt, it should at least make you crack a smile. As funny as this movie is, it also has a serious side to it near the end. The lesson learned from Dante’s love triangle is to choose the girl who loves him the most. It should be obvious to him, but strong crushes and even stronger memories make choosing hard.

The other lesson this film teaches is to take responsibility for your own actions. Dante was offered chances to go to college with Veronica, but instead he stuck around at the convenience store and he has to pay for that with his misery. He also gets in a fight with Randal near the end because he believed everything that went wrong that day was Randal’s fault. In short, if you’re in your 20’s, act like it. You’re not in high school anymore; you’re a man. Reckless zeal will cost you valuable opportunities.

Is it any coincidence Clerks was the breakout film for now famous director Kevin Smith? Is it also any coincidence this movie was a multiple-time award winner? How about the fact this movie earned cult classic status? If your skin is thick enough to withstand the sexual humor, give Clerks a try. I first saw this movie in 1998 when I was 13 years old. I didn’t understand a lot of the humor at first, but looking back now, there’s a reason Clerks was a staple of my youth: because it’s that damn good.

The Play By Webbers (Zeal, The Undertaker, Chakko, and Natron)

During my tenure at Playbyweb.com, I have assumed four different identities (not at the same time, though). The first of these was Zeal, a 16-year-old porn addict who raged against the machine and lost. The second was The Undertaker, a slightly less offensive version of Zeal, but still only a temporary fix since my schizophrenia made it harder for me to role-play. When I turned 18, I came back from my sabbatical from the site under the name Chakko. I raged against the machine over stupid age limits and lost once more. And finally, when I created Natron in an attempt to be diplomatic, my peaceful ways were shut down and that was the last time I set foot on Play By Web’s hostile territory.

Four different usernames, four different agendas. It would be a shame to let these guys go to waste. So I had the brilliant idea of making characters out of them. Although, if I wanted to use The Undertaker, I’d have to fight an uphill legal battle with WWE over the name and to that I say hell no. That’s like a pigmy warrior going up against an army of Greek titans. So now we’re down to three characters: Zeal, Chakko, and Natron.

What could I possibly do with these three? I know! Let’s make them teenagers in a dystopian hellhole who want access to porn! Yes, that’s what I was fighting for back in March of 2002: the right to view porn despite my young age. I may have argued that I was only two years below the benchmark of 18 and two years makes zero difference. I may have also argued that there was no real reason for my adult opponents to keep me from doing whatever the hell I want. The way I saw it, only a hardcore religious zealot would ever object to me masturbating to porn.

Therefore, when I construct a group of antagonists for Zeal, Chakko, and Natron to face off against, they will be paladins. They will wear heavy suits of armor and carry flails that can turn skulls into blood bombs with one smack. And just like in Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, these zealous paladins will have auras to give them magical powers. Do the three teenagers feel overwhelmed yet? That’s exactly how I felt when I argued with the entire website over my personal freedom: overwhelmed and traumatized.

In order to combat these heavy-handed head smashers, Zeal, Chakko, and Natron will have to be smooth and slick as they move about the dystopian city in search of good porn. Their official character classes will have to be somewhere between a rogue and a wizard, maybe both. They can sneak up on their opponents and stab them with magically energized daggers. They can steal smaller weapons and imbue them with lightning or fire. My only limit is my imagination. It should be known by now that porn enthusiasts have vast imaginations, hint, hint, wink, wink.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“You know that scene in As Good As It Gets where Jack Nicholson tells his girlfriend, ‘You make me want to be a better person.’? You know how often that happens? Never.”

-Bill Maher-

Dream Moods

I have two different dream interpretation books and both of them were written in the early 20^th century and are therefore obsolete. Now that we have this awesome thing called the internet, there’s a website called Dream Moods that looks to be pretty up-to-date and damned near accurate. For weeks now, I’ve been posting entries about weird dreams I’ve had thinking they could be creative fodder. It turns out my subconscious is trying to tell me something deeper.

　

High School:


To dream about high school refers to the bonds and friendships that you made while you were in high school. What spiritual lessons have you learned? The dream may also be telling you that you need to start preparing for the real world.



To dream that you have to repeat high school suggests that you are doubting your accomplishments and the goals that you have already completed. You feel that you may not be measuring up to the expectation of others. The dream may occur because some recent situation may have awakened old anxieties and insecurities.

　

Video Game:


To dream that you are playing a video game represents your ability to manipulate others into doing what you want them to do. Alternatively, playing a video game suggests that you are trying to escape from the problems in your real life, instead of confronting it. Consider the type of video game and video game character for additional insights.

　

Pornography:


To dream that you are watching pornography indicates your issues with intimacy, power, control, and effectiveness. You may be having concerns about your own sexual performance. Alternatively, you are afraid of exposing some aspect of yourself.

　

Martial Arts:


To dream that you are practicing martial arts suggest that you need to better focus your energies and direct them on your goals.

　

Crying:


To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

　

To sum up what you’ve read so far, I have no faith in my abilities, I’ve learned nothing from the friendships I’ve formed in high school, I need an escape plan from my problems, I have secrets I keep from those who love me, I don’t care enough about my goals, and my negative emotions are being repressed. Sounds like the psychological geography of a fucked up adult to me. So now that I know all of these things, how do I fix them? The number one answer would be to be honest with myself. Is that really all it takes? Honesty? Okay, let’s try it.

I can self-publish anything I want, but if I even step near a publishing house with a skulking editor and a lecherous agent, there’s no guarantee I’ll make it. How do I overcome this inadequacy? Going out and trying to get traditionally published might work, but in order for that to happen, I need a shit ton of people on my side. In order for them to be on my side, they actually have to read my writing and say “yes” or “no”.

What’s the spiritual lesson I need to learn from my friendships in high school? To share myself with everybody I meet? To come out of my shell? To divulge every secret I’ve got? Yes, doing these things is scary as hell. In order for me to share myself with everybody I meet, they have to be receptive. If I give a girl a rose, she has to accept it without backpedaling or showing other signs of being offended. If I open up the lines of communication with my family, they can’t be overprotective of me when I share a dark secret. I’m always open when it comes to my hatred for my former step-father Art, but it’s no reason to put me under tight security. All I’ve ever wanted was to move on with my life. I can’t do that with too much protection.

So what kind of problems do I have that I can’t run away from anymore? Do I need to tell my arrogant brother to chill the fuck out? Do I need to tell my schizophrenic voices also to chill the fuck out? Do I need to find a job doing something I love even though they’re far out of reach? Do I need to get a girlfriend even though I don’t know how to love? If I’m going to solve my own problems, I have to know that I’m not going to make them worse by being my aggressive self. If I do find a job that I’m happy with, will I be able to get there every day without tiring myself out? If I do confront my older brother, will I be able to bend him to my will and make him see what I see? If I do find a girlfriend, will she accept my advances with perfect faith and not be offended by any contact I make with her? If I need to tackle my problems, then I ‘m going to need some help doing it.

If I don’t care enough about my goals, how do I make myself care? I want to self-publish a modern drama anthology called American Darkness, which means editing old short stories I’ve written and binding them together. I have the resources and the time to do my own editing. How do I do the work without tiring out beforehand or afterwards? Will anybody buy my book when I’ve published it? Will a traditional publisher see it and want to make something out of it? Will the sales of this book earn me enough money and fame to buy anything I want? Will I even figure out what I want to buy with my money other than fast food? Do I want to spend the money on a vacation? If so, where would I go since I know virtually nothing about the world around me? Yes, I know I’m overanalyzing for a self-publishing gig, but these problems need to be faced head on, as stated before.

If my negative emotions are being repressed, how do I let them out in a way where nobody is around me? How can I cry when the tears don’t come? How can I punch the walls without the damage coming out of my pocket? How do I scream and swear without disturbing anybody else? How do I find the appropriate place to do all of this? Is it on Google? Is it in the phone book? Is the only appropriate place to do this at a heavy metal show where everybody is screaming and fighting anyways?

So many questions and not enough answers. Maybe I have to find my own answers. Maybe I can’t rely on the world to answer my questions for me. If that’s the case, the jury’s still out on how I can turn a fucked up adult into a mature sage. I’ve been completely honest with myself so far, but I don’t feel any different than I did before. The only change I’ve experienced is that my brain has gone cold. That can’t be a good sign. Here’s one more question I add to the growing list: where do I go from here?

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!”

-Rage Against the Machine rapping “Killing in the Name of”-

　

***POST-SCRIPT***

Here’s the link to where I found all of my interpretations: www.dreammoods.com.

"The Filth" by Grant Morrison

Remember an old 1999 classic called “The Matrix”? You know, where the real world is an apocalyptic, dystopian hell and the fake world is a beautiful paradise? Apply this theory to “The Filth”, but make the dystopian hell a trashy world where the ground is covered in feces, skin flakes, urine, semen-covered pornography, snot, and pretty much anything else that would make Grant Morrison gag at his own work. This is the world of the appropriately titled “The Filth”. Ned Slade is an agent of a top secret organization called The Hand, whose sole purpose is to keep the gut-wrenching trash from contaminating the beautiful real world. You’re probably wondering to yourself why exactly these people call themselves The Hand? Well, when giving a wad of toilet paper after dropping a deuce in the toilet, what do you think hands do afterwards? Exactly. Cleaning up contaminations is a lot like wiping a dirty asshole in the world of “The Filth”. If this sounds like nightmare fuel that the main character wishes he could wake up from, it’s because it is. Whenever he’s not being a cleansing agent, Ned Slade leads an ordinary life as Greg Feely. Well, ordinary isn’t quite the word to describe it. As Greg Feely, people mistake him for a pedophile due to his porn-watching tendencies in a neighborhood full of playing children. All Greg really wants to do is take care of his sickly kitty cat Tony. The more people try to interfere with saving Tony’s life, the more combative Feely becomes, especially when he’s called into action as Ned Slade. Sounds like an…interesting storyline to say the least. But unlike the much cleaner “Matrix”, “The Filth” goes far beyond an ordinary R rating. Even with the censored addition I accidentally bought where the genitals and black semen were blurred out, it’s still going to haunt your psyche for many years to come. Definitely keep this book out of range of little children, lest you become a carbon copy of Greg Feely. A potential X rating is enough reason to buy this graphic novel, but if you’re a literary nut who loves symbolism despite its disgusting nature, you’ll appreciate this book too. Believe it or not, I actually had to read this book for a college class at Western Washington University. Maybe that’s by design since college students don’t gag and shiver whenever they see pee-pee parts, especially at the school I went to. If you’ve got a strong stomach and a smart mind all wrapped into one, buy this book. Don’t wait for it to become available at your local library or Christian book store, because it’ll never happen. Ever!

　

***RHETORICAL QUESTION OF THE DAY***

If your Lipchitz, what does your ass do?