Simple Plan vs. Eric July: The Most Memed Song of All Time Makes a Comeback for a Whiny Libertarian

Goodbye Bill Maher

***GOODBYE BILL MAHER***

I’ve had this topic idea on the shelf for over a year now. Anyone who’s known me for a long time knows that Bill Maher was at one point one of my favorite comedians and political commentators. I saw him perform in Seattle in 2013, which was also the same night where we couldn’t find the car afterwards, but that has nothing to do with this post. So when I finally say goodbye to Bill Maher in 2019, you know he must have done something incredibly shitty in order to lose my respect. Actually, it wasn’t just one thing he said or did. It slowly built up over the last few years. And yeah, one could argue that he was always obnoxious and bigoted from the beginning, but it wasn’t really noticeable until the latter years of the 2010’s. So…where do I start this lovely story?

In 2006, of course. That was when I saw my first episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. I can’t remember for the life of me what some of his jokes or talking points were, but I found them fucking hilarious and on-point. I decided from that point going forward that I would make watching his show a weekly ritual. Despite all of the wacky conservatives he sometimes invited on his panel, the show overall was fun to watch, especially the New Rules segment.

New Rule: You can’t bring a firearm to Wendy’s unless you plan to rob it. You’re not a gun enthusiast. You’re an ammosexual. If you want to die at Wendy’s so badly, you’ll have to do it the old fashioned way by eating their food.

New Rule: Couples who make out in public have to bring a bucket for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by their food.

New Rule: Ice cream should stay nonpartisan. Some rightwingers decided to make ice cream to counter the lefties at Ben & Jerry’s with flavors like Gun Nut, Plane Vanilla, and Smaller Govern-Mint. But these conservatives are missing the point of Ben & Jerry’s. Hippie ice cream is fun because you eat it when you’re stoned.

New Rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, but that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for. You can pray for rain.

Thirteen years I stuck with Bill Maher through the good and the bad. He entertained me, he strengthened by talking points, and I felt more alive having watched his shows. But then…something happened. Again, maybe he was always an obnoxious person and I didn’t notice it until now, but over the past few years, he had gotten worse. He began to criticize millennials. He began to make transphobic arguments. He rallied against vaccines. He fat-shamed people in the name of “good health”. He did all of these things behind a mask of virtue. He marketed himself as a liberal hero even though he’s actually a capitalist libertarian. I hung on his every word because of that. If anyone else had said the things he did, I would have given up on them sooner. But coming from Bill Maher, I secretly hoped it was a one-time thing that we could disagree on.

But the god-awful remarks weren’t one-offs. They happened over and over again across multiple shows, sometimes in succession. I kept struggling to find counterpoints to his arguments, not because I was wrong in my beliefs, but because his disgusting shit was stressing me the fuck out. He called millennials lazy and entitled (therefore proving his own point that ageism is the last acceptable prejudice we have). He called fat people virgins who couldn’t see their own dicks. He said transgender athletes were ruining sports (even though the sports were already boring with or without their participation). He referred to Caitlyn Jenner by masculine pronouns. If I listed off all of Bill Maher’s sins against my ears, we’d be here forever and a day.

But one night in January 2019 made me turn off the TV forever. I can’t remember the exact date, but Bill Maher did a New Rules segment where he basically exploited Stan Lee’s death. In criticizing comic book fans, he said, “I’m not happy that he’s dead; I’m sad that you’re all alive.” He took the role of creative gatekeeper, denouncing genre fiction (sci-fi, fantasy, romance, etc.) and exalting literary fiction no matter how boring it was. In that one segment, Bill Maher took a big dump on everything that I love as a creative writer. He shamed nerds for being passionate about what they love and told them to, “Grow up.” After that segment was mercifully over, I tapped out. No more Bill Maher for me. My parents still watch him, but I don’t. I can’t associate myself with people who demand conformity from their audience.

Ever since I cut myself off from Bill Maher’s content, I’ve never been happier. Of course, there will be people who insist I watch his show anyways so that I can get new perspectives and strengthen my debating skills. But what’s the point of strengthening my debating skills if the other side won’t listen? Bill Maher criticizes millennials all the time for being unable to take a joke, yet here he is deflecting criticism himself. He’s against cancel culture, yet doesn’t mind canceling people who disagree with him. I purposefully avoid political debates with even my closest friends, because in the end, it’s not productive and only results in furious anger on both sides. I want to be open-minded, but I’m not sure people like Bill Maher want to do that themselves. Open-mindedness is a two-way street. If I have to listen to your bigoted garbage, you have to listen to my talking points too. If debate can’t be a two-way street for me, then I’ll turn it into a no-way street. How’s that?

Bill Maher influenced my sense of humor in the early days of his show. I don’t regret that. I also don’t regret leaving him for higher ground. There are so many great comedians and pundits out there. John Oliver is one of them and he’s on the same channel as Bill Maher, if you can believe that. He’s delightfully British, ridiculously funny, and has a healthy dose of self-awareness. What about The Young Turks? They’re not comedians, but their talking points are strong as hell, almost bulletproof. Their skin is so thick that they welcome debate because they know they can win. Samantha Bee? Not nearly as funny as John Oliver, but she’s entertaining all the same. You might have to go out of your way to find alternatives to Bill Maher, but they exist and you’ll be grateful you did.

So…I’m going to close this by saying goodbye one last time to one of my all-time favorite influences. Goodbye, Bill Maher. We’ve had a good run together. You used to be cool. But I don’t like the person you’ve become. I don’t expect you to change your ways anytime soon. No, I don’t want you to be canceled. You don’t have to lose your job over the things you’ve said. All I’ll ever ask from you is self-awareness. If you’re going to be a shitty person, admit it to your audience and don’t hide behind a mask of liberalism. You won’t do that, though, because you’re stuck in your ways. Maybe it’s a Boomer thing, I don’t know. I guess that makes ageism “the last acceptable prejudice we have”. Then again, you started that war, so don’t be upset when you’re the one who has to finish it. Goodbye. Goodbye and forever!

***QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“It has been said, 'the truth will make men free.' The truth alone has never made anyone free. It is only doubt which will bring mental emancipation.”

-Anton LaVey-

Already Dead

VERSE 1

Your comedic delivery fell on deaf ears

Loyal sheep were the only source of cheers

You exploited death just for a punch line

Shrugged your shoulders like it was all fine

You’re not funny, if you were, I would laugh

You used to be cool in the distant past

Now that my eyes are wide fucking open

I know what the hell a clichéd trope is

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

VERSE 2

You’d commit necrophilia just for a joke

Commit grave robbery to spite the woke

Keep your millionaire ass from going broke

Keep your career from going up in smoke

The ones who loved him want your head

You should be the one on your deathbed

You should be the one who is violated

You’re the only one who is overrated

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

BRIDGE

Heaven forbid we be entertained

Heaven forbid you use your brain

Heaven forbid you get off the hate train

Heaven forbid we’re absolved from shame

VERSE 3

You call us immature for our literary tastes

When it comes to autocracy, we’re to blame

I never knew until now you were full of shit

But you disguise your hatred as a comedy bit

I’m changing the channel to something better

While you’re looking for a safe space protector

You can dish it out, but can’t take the heat

Everybody knows you’re easy to defeat

CHORUS

He’s already dead

Can he finally rest?

He’s already dead

Enough with the mess!

FINAL LINE

Excelsior, motherfuckers!

Bouncing Between Fantasy and Contemporary

***BOUNCING BETWEEN FANTASY AND CONTEMPORARY***

Whenever I’m trying to decide what’s next to write, I always ask myself what I’m not writing enough of or what I’m writing too much of. I’ll go through entire phases where I write just contemporary or just gory fantasy on-and-off. In 2018 alone, I’ve written three first draft novels that could be classified as drama. Silent Warrior is a high school drama that takes place in the present day and Incelbordination would also fall under the educational category.

Beautiful Monster? Well, that technically could be classified as a fantasy since it had elves, but there’s no magic system. Plus, the focus of the story was more about Windham’s PTSD rather than a mystical journey of sorts. I guess Beautiful Monster would be more of a drama than a fantasy in that respect, though one could debate that it falls under magical realism.

What about 2019? What have I written since January of this year? American Darkness 3 stories, yes, of course. I’ve rewritten Beautiful Monster from the ground up and I still consider it to be more drama than fantasy. Emilio & Marigold could technically be a fantasy by virtue of the lead villain being a giant who lives in the clouds. But in reality, that was more dramatic than fantastic as well since I’ve basically turned the story into one big debate over soft vs. hard parenting.

Commonsense would dictate that the genre of a story shouldn’t matter to me as long as the story itself is a compelling and entertaining read. Maybe I have done pretty well for myself with these dramas I’ve written over the last year and a half. But here’s where it starts to get tricky. Because I’ve been away from the fantasy genre for so long, I’ve found myself…I don’t want to say losing interest, because that will always be my bread and butter. It’s just that I haven’t had enough fantasy material in my diet, that’s all. When a muscle in your body doesn’t get enough exercise, it atrophies. Same thing goes for interest in the fantasy genre.

Another reason for me wanting to get back into the fantasy genre seems petty on the surface until you consider I’ve been a trusting fan of this celebrity for over a decade prior to his live TV rant. Of course, I’m talking about Bill Maher. I recently gave up watching his shows. I don’t even watch his New Rules segments on You Tube anymore. My loss of love for him has been a long time coming, with his many prejudiced statements about millennials, transsexuals, Middle Easterners, feminists, fat people, and other groups of people being prominent reasons why.

But then he threw a huge hissyfit about people who enjoy Stan Lee’s work, labeling them as “immature” and “idiotic”. Superheroes, fantasy creatures, and sci-fi adventures are my livelihood and Bill Maher just shit all over it because he’s a crabby old Baby Boomer. Getting back into the fantasy genre just to piss him off? Good enough reason for me! Goodbye, Bill Maher. You used to be cool, now you’re just a shitty old man. I’m a geeky millennial and I’m proud of it!

So…what kinds of things could I start writing again now that I’m awaiting the right opportunity to have Beautiful Monster critiqued? Well, I don’t want to work on a full-blown novel right away, because I’ll have my hands full with editing the shit out of this new version of Beautiful Monster. Plus, I’m not quite done getting Emilio & Marigold into tiptop shape. What about short stories? Poison Tongue Tales 3? Sure, I can do that! In fact, here’s a synopsis for what will be my contest entry for the WSS this week. It’s called “3:16” and it’s for a “Black Widow” prompt.

CHARACTERS:

1. Death Marshal, Mummy Hammer Fighter
2. JoJo Tornado, Human Aeromancer
3. Marilyn Manson and His Band
4. Audience and Bouncers

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The venue is called The Black Widow Amphitheater and it has a dark fantasy gimmick, complete with bouncers in hooded robes and Halloween lighting.

SYNOPSIS: A Marilyn Manson concert is taking place at an outdoor festival, which prompts conservative wizard JoJo to try and knock the electricity out with her wind magic. Her reckless spell casting causes her to tip over a stage prop onto the statue grave of an ancient creature known as Death Marshal, thus waking the angry beast from his sleep. Because Death Marshal is a mummy, he inherits knowledge and wisdom on the fly. He picks up a discarded Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirt and takes on the Bionic Redneck persona as he “stomps a mud hole” into JoJo and “walks it dry”.

It’d be worth it just to watch Bill Maher shit his pants. Then again, he does that enough already, which is why he probably wears Depends underneath his Men’s Warehouse suit every time he goes on TV. Is “3:16” the most philosophically powered story I’ve ever written? Will it make you question life? No! It’s just for fucking fun! Enjoy yourselves! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight! By the way, my sign-off phrase is what the narrator says in the closing credits for Tales From the Dark Side, another TV show that is likely to trigger Bill Maher. Man, I’m really letting him have it tonight! Goddamn, that feels good!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I have seen the mystics play there once or twice, but I knew they had a reason. Enchantment plays its cards all right. Hand in hand with the workings of the season. Legends can be now and forever teaching us to love for goodness sake. Legends can be now and forever loved by the sun. Two and two go so close together whether there is hope that is torn apart. In the words of all that’s singing. Hand in hand, the beginning is at the start. Legends can be now and forever teaching us to reach for goodness sake. Legends can be now and forever loved by the sun. Who sings of all of love’s eternity? Whose shines so bright in all the songs of love’s unending spells? Only lightning strikes all that’s evil, teaching us to love for goodness sake. Hear the music of love eternal teaching us to reach for goodness sake. Legends can be now and forever teaching us to love for goodness sake. Sweet songs of youth. The wise. The meeting of all wisdom. To believe in the good in man.”

-Tangerine Dream singing “Loved By the Sun”, another piece of art that will drive Bill Maher bat shit insane-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Remember a blog entry I wrote months ago about my Muse of the Year for 2019? I thought it was going to be Dita Von Teese. I thought she was going to bring my creativity to new heights. But then I just ran back into the proverbial arms of 2018’s MotY, Sarah-Jane Redmond, who played Lucy Butler on the 1990’s TV show Millennium. Hey, there’s another show that will make Bill Maher’s head explode! It’s technically in the thriller category, but it has occult elements in it, such as Lucy Butler being a demon from hell who only uses her human form to seduce men into doing awful things.