Brendan Schaub: A Failed MMA Fighter Turned Failed Comedian Who Also Fails at Transphobic Humor

 

It's a Punderful World and The Joker Agrees

 

"The Golden Bell" by Aurora Styles

BOOK TITLE: The Golden Bell

AUTHOR: Aurora Styles

YEAR: 2018

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Dark Fairytale

GRADE: Pass

Lady Bellicent is a royal politician with undeniable physical beauty, a strong belief in fairytales, and a desire to gentrify her city into an educated, high-class metropolis. Her methods come across as arrogant and vain, so much so that she encourages the wrath of Rosamund the apothecary and her golden bell, which is used to summon necromantic faeries whenever she needs them. Bellicent’s controlling husband Lord Fitcher also serves as a thorn in her side, especially with his harsh demands of keeping her out of his “special room”. Sooner or later, everything will come crashing down upon this magical kingdom and Bellicent’s happily-ever-after story will turn into a sick and twisted nightmare she can’t wake up from.

When you first read this wonderfully dark story, your eyes will widen at the scene of Lord Fitcher sewing corpses of his past wives together into one piece of art. The only thing his “creation” is missing is a head, but don’t worry, because he has lots of inspiration for that particular piece. Fitcher seems to be happy and deranged as he marvels at his masterpiece. He’s basically the love child of The Joker and Hannibal Lector, which is why it’s imperative that nobody enters his secret chambers. But you know deep down inside his cover will be blown at some point in the story. It has to. You can see it from miles away. Such tension will follow you throughout your reading adventure and that’s part of what makes this story so good. Aurora Styles leaves no stone unturned when it comes to her craft and it brilliantly shows throughout her work.

Serial killer aside, I also enjoy the shades of gray logic Aurora employs with her characters. Yes, they do awful things such as framing each other for witchcraft or casting spells that will doom each other forever, but at the same time, you can’t help but feel sorry for the characters when these bad things happen to them. Yes, Bellicent comes off as arrogant and spoiled, but did she really deserve her fate at the end of the story? Yes, Rosamund is quite arguably the most sympathetic character in the book, but was her revenge plot against Bellicent overkill? Even Lord Fitcher with his psychopathic ways comes off as a charmer when dealing with the public (then again, lots of serial killers do in order to keep up appearances). At the end of the day, there’s no clear answer as to who the reader should cheer or boo. Trust me, that’s a good thing, because it keeps the reader on their toes and makes them anticipate the second part of this series.

Speaking of shades of gray characters, whether you like him or not, you have to admit that Lord Rhazien’s skull motif is pretty cool. He wears them like armor, he has skulls on his magical staff, and he pretty much is a skeleton demon who’s described as having burning green eyes. This is the kind of character videogamers would love to play as or against. Constantly throwing fireballs, controlling hordes of goblins and undead creatures, and transforming everybody he captures into disgusting orcs. Yep, he’s definitely a videogame-worthy character. It makes me wonder what kind of creativity cosplayers would whip up if they decided to go to a convention dressed as Rhazien. So many dark fantasy dream scenarios, so little time!

Considering how well this novel was written, I’d say that The Golden Bell, the first in a series, is a resounding success. Sure, there are a few sentences that look like they could be typos, but then again, it could also be part of the classy dialogue that fantasy novels are known for. Buy a copy of this book and enjoy yourself. It’s only a hundred plus pages long, so you’ve definitely got time to blitz through this magical adventure full of twists and turns. A passing grade is what this wonderful book deserves!

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

MOVIE TITLE: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

DIRECTOR: Zack Snyder

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Superhero

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language

GRADE: Mixed

In the public eye, Superman is either seen as a godlike savior for the neighboring cities of Metropolis and Gotham or a reckless oaf who leaves destruction as part of his heroism. The Wayne Enterprises building and the people inside happened to be victims of Superman’s carelessness and now Batman wants revenge for the fallen. Stirring the pot between these superheroes is Lex Luthor, a corporate prodigy who comes into possession of Kryptonite (Superman’s weakness). Can Batman and Superman get along and team up against the real threat to humanity or will their shades of gray characteristics blind them into fighting each other to the death?

The fact that Zack Snyder uses shades of gray logic to define Batman and Superman is part of what makes this movie unique. Superman can be careless when it comes to containing his powers, but Batman can be just as sadistic and merciless when he brands the bat symbol onto criminals before sending them to jail. These two characters cancel each other out when it comes to the moral high ground, so much so that political pundits such as Charlie Rose and Neil Degrasse Tyson had to be brought in to discuss their risk vs. reward values. I’m not saying we’ll have a recklessly devastating superhero scenario in real life, but if we did, are we as a society prepared to make compromises and see the middle ground? We ccouldn’t find that middle ground even without Superman and Batman killing everything, so we’re pretty much doomed. Just look at all the buildings that get destroyed in the name of superhero politics. People give anime a hard time for having buildings burn to the ground so easily, but they need to see this movie for more of the same.

This fictional political climate might have been more jarring to watch if the shooting of the movie was better executed. Something about this movie makes me want to give it a mixed grade despite all it has going for it. It could be the lack of character investment. It could be the slow pacing. It could be the cliché violence and destruction. It could be that the pieces of this plot were lazily thrown together. Maybe it’s the way the movie dragged on for over two hours of nothingness. I can’t pinpoint one feature of this movie that’s responsible for the negative reviews it got, but when my brother asked me what I thought of it, all I could say was, “Meh”. The movie had loads of potential to be something great, but something about it just made me want to tune out.

Whatever the main negative point could have been, it certainly wasn’t Jesse Eisenberg’s acting when it came to his portrayal of Lex Luthor. I know he got a Golden Raspberry award for worst supporting actor, but I disagree with that opinion. Lex’s character drew a lot of parallels to Heath Ledger’s version of The Joker with how delightfully insane and quirky he was. I have a soft spot for crazy-minded characters due to how relatable they are (not in every way, but in some ways). Sometimes the villains are more relatable than the superheroes. In fact, they can be just as “shades of gray” as Batman and Superman are in this movie. I keep wondering what it was that made Lex Luthor snap the way he did. We don’t get a clear answer by the end, so that makes me even more curious. Either way, I love his kooky portrayal! The body language, the tics, the cadence in his voice, even Lex’s hairstyle reminds me of The Joker. Golden Raspberry, my foot!

While Batman vs. Superman isn’t a perfect movie, I’m not going to completely dump all over it despite its glaring flaws. A mixed grade is nothing to sneeze at, especially considering everybody else seems to be headhunting these days when reviewing suspicious movies. I wanted to enjoy this movie. I love the DC Universe. I stuck with the film until the end. Again, it’s not perfect, but the haters can calm down just for a little while before they click that one or two-star option.

Two-Sentence Horror Stories: The Second Coming

Bertha crashed through the front door with a live chainsaw in hand while her husband cowered in the corner shivering and shedding tears. The monstrous wife bellowed, “I just had to explain to our 11-year-old daughter that sex does not involve KERMIT THE FROG!”

With a lustful stare and erect nipples, Devon drew the hatchet blade across her victim’s throat, bathing in blood and dining on flesh. She later enjoyed a sensual evening of making out with her blade and masturbating with the handle.

Smokey rolled over in her cat bed and purred as she fell asleep. She snapped awake at the sound of her gigantic master bellowing in a Buffalo Bill voice, “I’m going to pet you with the Glove of Love!”

John ordered pizza from Domino’s and gave the attractive delivery girl a generous tip. After she drove away with a cute smile, John got on his computer and looked her up on Face Book while masturbating to her photos.

The patrons at the Kong Chin Chinese Buffet had their hearts racing (for reasons other than the food) at the sound of draconic screaming coming from the men’s bathroom. They felt ill to their stomachs when the burly voice shouted, “Get out of my ass!”

Little Lucy entered her grandfather’s house with a skip in her step and a sunshine smile on her cute face. She gasped in horror when she heard him upstairs screaming like a grizzly bear three times then shouting, “My penis hurts!”

The 300 lb. Barnabas took an alligator chomp out of his bacon cheddar hotdog and spilled some of it in his diet soda. Not caring about the wide-eyed fear coming from the other patrons in the restaurant, he chugged his diet soda with the bacon bits and cheese sauce floating to the top.

Jack sweated profusely and shivered vigorously as he got on stage to sing along with Lzzy Hale and her band Halestorm. His heart nearly exploded like a grenade when Lzzy held his hand the entire time and the audience cheered them both on.

A balding man in a trench coat entered Barnes & Noble and asked, “Can you point me in the direction of your children’s romance novels?” The clerk said, “They’re in the back next to our copies of Teen Playboy.”

Mike stepped on his son’s Lego pieces and danced around in pain while screaming like his offspring. He whimpered with wide eyes when he touched his sock and it felt drenched while smelling like copper.

The Joker had Aquaman strapped to a metal chair with a funnel jammed in his throat. Despite the superhero’s gagged cries for help, the Joker poured a bucket of whale guts into the funnel and watched Aquaman choke and vomit on them.

The Depends “Drop Your Pants for Underwareness” viral video campaign was a success throughout the entire world. The CEO seemed to agree since his waste basket was full of dirty tissues and empty lotion bottles.

The necromancer walked into an abortion clinic with a magical green aura surrounding his wiggling hands. When asked by the shaky clerk how he could be helped, he answered with a sadistic grin, “I’d like to adopt a child today!”

Little Olive’s eyes were cascading with wetness upon watching her father get slashed and beaten at the hands of the demonic butcher. The blade-wielding monster gently laid a finger on Olive’s cheek and said in a throaty, sensual voice, “You’re even cuter when you’re crying!”

Dr. Swagger massaged his patient’s neck and sent him into a nirvana-like trance while prepping him for the adjustment to come. The chiropractor jerked his patient’s skull and got twenty cracks on the left side of his neck along with thirty-two cracks on the right, all of which sounded like fireworks going off.

Strapped naked to a table with kryptonite bindings, Superman bellowed, “I will never marry you, scumbag!” Two-Face, with the diamond encrusted brass ring in his hand, laughed and said, “This ring doesn’t go on your finger, you fool!”

After a lengthy prison sentence, Jared Fogle was back on television as the spokesman for Subway. With a golden smile on his face, he calmly said to the camera, “How would you like to try my Five Dollar Foot-Long in your oatmeal raisin cookie?”

The 400 lb. Karlos waddled into Subway and told the clerk, “I’d like a spinach salad with meatballs and tuna.” The sandwich maker barfed in the salad bowl and Karlos piped up, “Yeah, I’d like some of that too.”

A contestant on Jeopardy selected Rhyme Time for $200 and the clue was, “Disney dog’s date rape drugs.” All three contestants had horrified facial expressions as the triple buzzer sounded and Alex Trebek said, “The correct response: What are Goofy’s roofies?”

As the bank teller counted twenty dollar bills after cashing a check, she asked her customer, “Are you just getting off work?” In a blunt affect voice that bordered on anger and depression, he said, “I’m unemployed.”

Chuck browsed various items at a garage sale when he saw a cookbook entitled “100 Delicious Thanksgiving Recipes”. His eyes bulged out of their sockets when he saw that the author was Jeffrey Dahmer and the forward was written by Guy Fieri.

Fred sat in his would-be supervisor’s office with a benign smile and a cheery attitude during this job interview for the position of child caregiver. The interviewer read the applicant’s resume and said, “According to this, your favorite hobbies include reading, photography, and…ripping the wings off of flies and drowning them in hot bacon grease?!”

After paying for his groceries at the checkout line, Steve pulled a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli from one of the bags and munched it down uncooked in front of the other patrons. Despite the horrified stares he was getting, Steve pulled yet another can of ravioli out of a bag and wolfed that down too, getting a liberal amount of tomato sauce on his T-shirt.

Tears avalanched from Carla’s eyes when she laid on a leather couch and poured her heart out to her psychiatrist about being sexually abused as a child. Her eyes widened and tears multiplied when she saw that her psychiatrist had a rising bulge in his pants while he listened and took notes.

Ryan stood at the counter of Tater’s Gun Shop loading his newly bought AK-47. He peeked in both directions before asking the clerk, “You wouldn’t happen to have any ski masks for sale, would you?”

Julie struck a nude pose for Lyle while he painted a picture in her likeness. When the model saw the final product, she stifled a shriek knowing Lyle just painted her with bloody gashes, broken bones, and a bruised purple groin.

“You’re such a sweet bunny baby!” said Barry in his cutesy-wutesy voice. He rubbed the fuzzy rabbit pelt against his chubby face and squeaked, “You and I will be best friends forever!”

During the ice-breaking internet game The Person Below Me, Kurt typed, “TPBM has children of his or her own.” His blood boiled when Henry responded with, “One mounted on either side of the fireplace!”

On an episode of Wheel of Fortune, the category was “Thing” and the puzzle board read: “C_ _LD P _ _ _ _GRAP_Y”. The blood vessels in Pat Sajak’s brain were ready to explode in a mushroom cloud while he anticipated a contestant guessing something other than “CHILD PHOTOGRAPHY”.

Jenny closed her eyes and relaxed in the comfy leather chair as she was getting a professional foot massage. Her eyes snapped wide open when she felt a pair of dry lips and cracked teeth caressing her toes.

Diana was in the middle of a gynecology appointment when her doctor stopped prodding her for a moment. When asked what was wrong, the doctor held up a bottle of vodka and said, “Have two or three drinks before I finish the examination.”

Suicide Squad

MOVIE TITLE: Suicide Squad

DIRECTOR: David Ayer

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Superhero Film

RATING: PG-13 for swearing and violence

GRADE: Pass

Pentagon Secret Agent Amanda Waller wants to put together a black ops team comprised of the world’s deadliest supervillains, including the psychopathic Harley Quinn, the mercenary sniper Dead Shot, the muscle monster Killer Croc, and the sly bank robber Captain Boomerang just to name a few. Agent Waller promises to give these crazy criminals lighter prison sentences if they carry out the mission of saving the world from the genocidal Enchantress and her magical army-killing weapon. The Suicide Squad, as they’re named, never loses their rebellious natures despite having micro bombs implanted in their necks. They will gladly push the boundaries of poor taste and violent madness if it means getting what they want while still agreeing to Waller’s terms.

I may be fighting a losing battle when I give this movie a passing grade (four stars), but the one thing we can all agree upon is how awesome Margot Robbie was at playing Harley Quinn. People will look at a picture of her and think she’s some kind of sex object. She’s not. She’s delightfully loony, battle hardened, darkly funny, blatantly sarcastic, and madly in love with another psychopath we all know as The Joker. Say whatever you want about how Jared Leto may or may not live up to Heath Ledger’s golden performance in The Dark Knight. At the end of the day, you have to admit that Harley Quinn and The Joker make a cute and deliciously violent couple. If they ruled Gotham City until the end of time, they can’t do any worse than some rich politician screwing things up in congress. At least Harley and Joker are honest about being demonic criminals.

And while I’m at it, the other members of the Suicide Squad were believable as well. Dead Shot may be a serpentine bastard when he carries out his death warrants, but the love he has for his daughter would make anybody nominate him for Dad of the Year. El Diablo, a pyromantic gangster, is a family guy who is constantly tormented by what he did to his wife and children; and guess what, there’s not a damn thing that’s fake about him or his feelings. The Army Colonel who leads the Suicide Squad into battle, Rick Flag, was once in love with the woman Enchantress possessed. You think he’d like to have her back someday? Whether they’re fighting for love, fighting against authority, or just plain fighting, you can’t really hate any of these Suicide Squad members. If you had the smart phone app that detonated the micro bombs in their necks, you wouldn’t have the spine or the heart to activate it. Trust me on that.

Despite the overwhelming negative reviews this film has received, I personally would be hard pressed to find a major flaw. It turns out I could find one, but it’s so small that it doesn’t ruin the entire movie for me. You see, I don’t care if the prisoners in question are a bunch of heartless killers with blood on their hands that’ll never come off. I don’t really like watching these supervillains get tortured at the black site in Louisiana. The movie opens with Dead Shot getting smashed in the stomach with a knight stick multiple times. It continues with Harley Quinn being strapped to a chair with a ball gag in her mouth and a feeding tube forcing liquid gunk up her nose and down her throat. What happened to Harley Quinn was downright disturbing to watch. In fact, I’d say some prison reform is in order, even for brutal fighters like these supervillains. Maybe we can transfer them to one of those Norwegian prisons from Michael Moore’s documentary “Where To Invade Next”. In those jails, they actually eat their food from a plate with a fork and knife. What a concept!

Disturbing moment aside, Suicide Squad was a fun movie that didn’t need to be “saved” by anybody’s performance. I thought the performances were wonderful. I thought the action-packed violence was even better. You can’t have a superhero film without at least a modicum of strong violence, and boy do these warriors deliver. Harley Quinn can actually hold her own with just a bat while everybody else is covering the battlefield with bullets and bombs. Where’s all this negativity coming from? Do people just enjoy looking for flaws? Does nobody just sit back, relax, eat their popcorn, and enjoy the movie anymore? Like I said earlier, I may be fighting a losing battle with my passing grade, but just like the Suicide Squad themselves, I’ll die trying.