Bertha crashed through the front door with a live chainsaw
in hand while her husband cowered in the corner shivering and shedding tears.
The monstrous wife bellowed, “I just had to explain to our 11-year-old daughter
that sex does not involve KERMIT THE FROG!”
With a lustful stare and erect nipples, Devon
drew the hatchet blade across her victim’s throat, bathing in blood and dining
on flesh. She later enjoyed a sensual evening of making out with her blade and
masturbating with the handle.
Smokey rolled over in her cat bed and purred as she fell
asleep. She snapped awake at the sound of her gigantic master bellowing in a
Buffalo Bill voice, “I’m going to pet you with the Glove of Love!”
John ordered pizza from Domino’s and gave the attractive
delivery girl a generous tip. After she drove away with a cute smile, John got
on his computer and looked her up on Face Book while masturbating to her
photos.
The patrons at the Kong Chin Chinese Buffet had their hearts
racing (for reasons other than the food) at the sound of draconic screaming
coming from the men’s bathroom. They felt ill to their stomachs when the burly
voice shouted, “Get out of my ass!”
Little Lucy entered her grandfather’s house with a skip in
her step and a sunshine smile on her cute face. She gasped in horror when she
heard him upstairs screaming like a grizzly bear three times then shouting, “My
penis hurts!”
The 300 lb. Barnabas took an alligator chomp out of his
bacon cheddar hotdog and spilled some of it in his diet soda. Not caring about
the wide-eyed fear coming from the other patrons in the restaurant, he chugged
his diet soda with the bacon bits and cheese sauce floating to the top.
Jack sweated profusely and shivered vigorously as he got on
stage to sing along with Lzzy Hale and her band Halestorm. His heart nearly
exploded like a grenade when Lzzy held his hand the entire time and the
audience cheered them both on.
A balding man in a trench coat entered Barnes & Noble
and asked, “Can you point me in the direction of your children’s romance
novels?” The clerk said, “They’re in the back next to our copies of Teen
Playboy.”
Mike stepped on his son’s Lego pieces and danced around in
pain while screaming like his offspring. He whimpered with wide eyes when he
touched his sock and it felt drenched while smelling like copper.
The Joker had Aquaman strapped to a metal chair with a
funnel jammed in his throat. Despite the superhero’s gagged cries for help, the
Joker poured a bucket of whale guts into the funnel and watched Aquaman choke
and vomit on them.
The Depends “Drop Your Pants for Underwareness” viral video
campaign was a success throughout the entire world. The CEO seemed to agree
since his waste basket was full of dirty tissues and empty lotion bottles.
The necromancer walked into an abortion clinic with a
magical green aura surrounding his wiggling hands. When asked by the shaky
clerk how he could be helped, he answered with a sadistic grin, “I’d like to
adopt a child today!”
Little Olive’s eyes were cascading with wetness upon watching
her father get slashed and beaten at the hands of the demonic butcher. The
blade-wielding monster gently laid a finger on Olive’s cheek and said in a
throaty, sensual voice, “You’re even cuter when you’re crying!”
Dr. Swagger massaged his patient’s neck and sent him into a
nirvana-like trance while prepping him for the adjustment to come. The
chiropractor jerked his patient’s skull and got twenty cracks on the left side of
his neck along with thirty-two cracks on the right, all of which sounded like
fireworks going off.
Strapped naked to a table with kryptonite bindings, Superman
bellowed, “I will never marry you, scumbag!” Two-Face, with the diamond
encrusted brass ring in his hand, laughed and said, “This ring doesn’t go on
your finger, you fool!”
After a lengthy prison sentence, Jared Fogle was back on
television as the spokesman for Subway. With a golden smile on his face, he
calmly said to the camera, “How would you like to try my Five Dollar Foot-Long
in your oatmeal raisin cookie?”
The 400 lb. Karlos waddled into Subway and told the clerk,
“I’d like a spinach salad with meatballs and tuna.” The sandwich maker barfed
in the salad bowl and Karlos piped up, “Yeah, I’d like some of that too.”
A contestant on Jeopardy selected Rhyme Time for $200 and
the clue was, “Disney dog’s date rape drugs.” All three contestants had
horrified facial expressions as the triple buzzer sounded and Alex Trebek said,
“The correct response: What are Goofy’s roofies?”
As the bank teller counted twenty dollar bills after cashing
a check, she asked her customer, “Are you just getting off work?” In a blunt
affect voice that bordered on anger and depression, he said, “I’m unemployed.”
Chuck browsed various items at a garage sale when he saw a cookbook
entitled “100 Delicious Thanksgiving Recipes”. His eyes bulged out of their
sockets when he saw that the author was Jeffrey Dahmer and the forward was
written by Guy Fieri.
Fred sat in his would-be supervisor’s office with a benign
smile and a cheery attitude during this job interview for the position of child
caregiver. The interviewer read the applicant’s resume and said, “According to
this, your favorite hobbies include reading, photography, and…ripping the wings
off of flies and drowning them in hot bacon grease?!”
After paying for his groceries at the checkout line, Steve
pulled a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli from one of the bags and munched it down
uncooked in front of the other patrons. Despite the horrified stares he was
getting, Steve pulled yet another can of ravioli out of a bag and wolfed that
down too, getting a liberal amount of tomato sauce on his T-shirt.
Tears avalanched from Carla’s eyes when she laid on a
leather couch and poured her heart out to her psychiatrist about being sexually
abused as a child. Her eyes widened and tears multiplied when she saw that her
psychiatrist had a rising bulge in his pants while he listened and took notes.
Ryan stood at the counter of Tater’s Gun Shop loading his
newly bought AK-47. He peeked in both directions before asking the clerk, “You
wouldn’t happen to have any ski masks for sale, would you?”
Julie struck a nude pose for Lyle while he painted a picture
in her likeness. When the model saw the final product, she stifled a shriek
knowing Lyle just painted her with bloody gashes, broken bones, and a bruised
purple groin.
“You’re such a sweet bunny baby!” said Barry in his
cutesy-wutesy voice. He rubbed the fuzzy rabbit pelt against his chubby face
and squeaked, “You and I will be best friends forever!”
During the ice-breaking internet game The Person Below Me,
Kurt typed, “TPBM has children of his or her own.” His blood boiled when Henry
responded with, “One mounted on either side of the fireplace!”
On an episode of Wheel of Fortune, the category was “Thing”
and the puzzle board read: “C_ _LD P _ _ _ _GRAP_Y”. The blood vessels in Pat
Sajak’s brain were ready to explode in a mushroom cloud while he anticipated a
contestant guessing something other than “CHILD PHOTOGRAPHY”.
Jenny closed her eyes and relaxed in the comfy leather chair
as she was getting a professional foot massage. Her eyes snapped wide open when
she felt a pair of dry lips and cracked teeth caressing her toes.
Diana was in the middle of a gynecology appointment when her
doctor stopped prodding her for a moment. When asked what was wrong, the doctor
held up a bottle of vodka and said, “Have two or three drinks before I finish
the examination.”
