Larck Fontana, Arguing Wife from "Happy Fun Land"

 

Kylea Markoff, Paiten's Very Young Mother from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Dr. Jody Iron, Principal of Paiten's High School from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Hughy Casey, Petty Argument Bystander from "Happy Fun Land"

 

Giuseppe DiVito, Antonia's Assistant Cook from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Brett Markoff, Father of the Year from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Razor Ripley, James Gaines's Advisor from "Rainbow Ranch"

 

Lucy the Hammer, Squadron Soldier from "Rainbow Ranch"

 

Connor Stone, Evil CEO from "Be a Good Duck"

 

Upcoming Character Drawings

Well…you guys saw my political cartoons and hopefully you’ve enjoyed them so far. Now I’m going to start uploading drawings of my characters, particularly ones who will appear in my two novelette collections Lysergic Fairytales and Tacky Tuesday. When I’ll finish the damn stories, I’ll never know, because schizophrenia’s been fucking with my energy and my general wellbeing. I’m drawing characters as a way of keeping hope alive. I will finish my writing someday, even if I have to take forever to mentally heal. Until then…meet the cast and crew!

Lionize the Bad Guy

VERSE 1

He’s got a whole ass file on his favorite chicky

Face Book bikini picks gives him a sticky dicky

Send her a thousand letters, give the envelope a licky

Beat her man with driftwood or make the gun go clicky-clicky

It’s society that made him a little sicky-sicky

Hurry and say sorry, ‘cause time is ticky-ticky

Moral grayness is always tricky-tricky

That’s why you can never be too picky-picky

 

CHORUS

Lionize the bad guy

It’s everyone else’s fault

That he’s such a sad guy

Now the spinning world has come to a halt

 

VERSE 2

Everyone’s favorite story is when zero turns to hero

Might get a good review from some dude named Shapiro

Might become the manifesto of some basement-dwelling weirdo

Might become the ammunition to break the attrition

 

CHORUS

Lionize the bad guy

It’s everyone else’s fault

That he’s such a sad guy

Now the spinning world has come to a halt

 

VERSE 3

Who do you let play with your brain like clay?

They’ve lost their way, it’s as clear as day

They made you laugh, made you cry a long time ago

Now you’re swimming in tears, they’re rolling in dough

Money’s kind of funny in the way it controls everything

Who gets the cardboard box, who gets the brass ring?

It’s the same ring you put your lips on before their boots

All because you found toxic romance to be cute

 

EXTENDED CHORUS

Lionize the bad guy

It’s everyone else’s fault

That he’s such a sad guy

Now the spinning world has come to a halt

Demonize the tearful

They’re always just so sensitive

And always so fearful

In a world that pisses away evidence

 

FINAL LINE

Goodnight, my supreme gentlemen. And always remember: it’s never your fault.

Chainsword Chester John

VERSE 1

Give a man a chainsword, he’ll decapitate your ass

Teach him how to use it, he’ll cut the planet in half

He’ll turn alien warriors into soft mashed potatoes

Leave them stinking up the air like rotten tomatoes

Such is the life of Private Chester W. John

A space marine hero and a political pawn

Fighting a war across the dark side of the universe

Where treaties are nothing more than useless words

VERSE 2

If he questions the Sergeant, he’ll get locked in a cage

If he keeps it bottled up, he’ll have no outlet for his rage

“The hideous creatures have no dreams of their own

It’s either you with a medal or them with your bones”

Hack and slash while never sleeping a single wink

Chester’s meant to follow orders, not independently think

He’s got a construction job waiting at the end of his duty

Be a good little capitalist, not a pixie boy cutie

VERSE 3

The space war is over and he gets a shiny medal

Chester wanted a parade, but he’ll have to settle

For a discount at Hooters and Dave & Busters

With the little bit of money that he’s able to muster

His body’s back on earth, but his mind is out in space

It’s an ordinary life, but he’s got blood on his face

The tears never came and he’ll never be the same

But at least he got his fifteen short minutes of fame

VERSE 4

He tosses and turns in his bedroom at night

Submachine gun to his left, chainsword to his right

Everything around him looks like alien slime

In civilian life, they call his violence a crime

Nobody taught Chester how to turn it all off

If he tried it in the war, they’d call him soft

Those alien planets were where he truly belonged

Here come the hot tears, there’s no need to be strong

Chainsaw Channing Lugar

VERSE 1

Channing’s paycheck couldn’t buy him a feast

But he’s got beer and Netflix, at the very least

That’s what he gets for selling power tools

At the hardware store right out of trade school

Last thing he needed was the store to be robbed

What was there to steal? Nails and door knobs?

His nightmare came true at his work one day

“Stick them hands up or I’ll blow your ass away!”

VERSE 2

Robber opened the cash box and collected wallets

An act of patriotism is what he will call it

He needed the money to overthrow the “gum mint”

Buy some big ass bombs and some cool gun shit

He turned his back for a second too many

Just when he tried to squeeze out the last penny

Channing Lugar fired up the chainsaw

Morphed from working class stiff to a pain god

VERSE 3

The chase took place across several blocks

Robber left a trail of urine from his cock

Shit from his ass blew a hole in his jeans

Channing smelled Hooters steak and green beans

Even COVID deniers wanted to wear masks

Breathing human sewage is an unenviable task

Not nearly as bad as blood from the slash

Mutilation by chainsaw, corpse in the trash

VERSE 4

Is Channing Lugar a hero or a killer?

Not a rhetorical question or pointless filler

So many questions from lawyers and cops

They wade through blood and biological slop

Local news called him Chainsaw Channing Lugar

Said, “Hold my beer!” to Jason and Kruger

Going too far only works if you’re rich

Powerful too, not a working class bitch

Show Don't Tell

PRE-VERSE 1

Don’t tell me about the ghostly music

Show me sound waves liquefying his brain

Don’t tell me he’s about to lose it

Show me twitchy faces as he’s going insane

VERSE 1

Reading about scandals in the newspaper

Won’t give you the most intimate flavor

An old man’s gyroscopic wiener in motion

Leaves her trapped above the Atlantic Ocean

Few seconds of assault becomes a life of trauma

But they’ll brush it off as SJW drama

She’s a hero for telling a story that pains her

And showing the old fart he’s a walking failure

PRE-VERSE 2

Tell me you’re hurting without telling me so

The hangover turns your head into a bomb to blow

Tell me why you’re drunk without telling me why

Because it’s better than letting monsters see you cry

VERSE 2

A fictional world becomes real in a hurry

When the lines of fantasy become so blurry

Is the author a racist or just bad at his craft?

When the audience screamed, the Nazis laughed

Five hundred pages of knights and mages

And lovers so fine with questionable ages

He’s a villain for telling a story so awful

And showing why he’s still on the side of lawful

PRE-VERSE 3

These stories don’t connect in any meaningful way

They’re just random thoughts barfed onto the page

Get a nice editor to tell you that you’re full of it

Test your resolve, we’ll see if you’re full of quit

VERSE 3

In the end, we all have our stories to tell

But it’s all a matter of if they’re told well

We don’t mind a little bit of being disturbed

As long as there’s substance to go with big words

Everyone has potential to live beyond themselves

And see their very best efforts on library shelves

You’re a human for telling a story the world needs

And showing them all you despise corporate greed

Help Me, Walter Hollywood

 He lights a cigarette, compromises his health

Fresh lungs don’t matter in this neo-noir hell

Every day someone is murdered and forgotten

Until the corpse makes the streets smell rotten

“Help me, Walter Hollywood,” says the dame

Every transaction starts to all sound the same

An envelope of cash, smoke the last of the ash

Hope to god her lover isn’t thrown out like trash

But before he slings the questions around town

Obligatory sex scene with hushed moaning sounds

Almost makes the lover a complete afterthought

But there are bills to be paid, killers to be caught

Every fedora-wearing wise guy takes a swing

Until Walter’s eyes water, nose bleeds, ears ring

Anymore snooping and he’ll be full of bullets

Take his scalp until he’s only left with a mullet

Walter taps the dame up for a little more money

She laughs like his misery and bruises are funny

Admission of failure is just another part of the job

She winks one more time and turns the doorknob

Another body just washed up on the riverbank

Bricks around his ankles ensured that he sank

His face was so familiar despite the taped mouth

And the two black eyes and his nose cut out

Finding the lover was as easy as reading the paper

Nothing about this mystery made Walter feel safer

The money he was paid made him look like a hit man

Police would arrest him, lock him up with a big man

Capitalism made people do the weirdest things

Wait tables, scrub floors, stand on the streets and sing

Taking unclean money seemed like the way out

Why isn’t the dame’s freedom in any kind of doubt?

It’s a system that abuses everyone who struggles

Locks up the failures with big men who snuggle

Gangsters and politicians sip from a glass of wine

And every femme fatale continues to look so fine

Anything Can Be a D&D Campaign

***ANYTHING CAN BE A D&D CAMPAIGN***

Yes, you read that title right. Anything, and I do mean anything, can become a D&D campaign no matter how ordinary or extraordinary the inspiration is. D&D campaigns are just stories you tell to a group of friends. Novels, on the other hand, are D&D campaigns that you play by yourself. Whether you’re playing with yourself or you’re doing it in a big group, there’s a story deep within you. Deep within the cock, cock, cockles of your heart. If you’ve got a mind for fantasy, you’ve got a D&D campaign.

Let’s take something ordinary for our first example. Let’s say you’re going to the supermarket for some groceries. Nothing special, just some eggs, milk, cheese, bread, lunch meat, god knows what else. You can take this ordinary creative fuel and make it extraordinary in a heartbeat. Perhaps the supermarket is being robbed by a gang of orcish thugs. Perhaps the lunch meat you purchased came from a slain dragon. Perhaps the eggs have snake fetuses inside. All you have to do is take one element of this simple story and twist it into a fantasy setting with some hot action for the characters. Congratulations, you’ve got a D&D story! A trip to the supermarket will now be a glorious adventure.

Now let’s up the ante a little bit with a computer game of Solitaire. Still an ordinary situation, but now it’s in the confines of an extraordinary piece of machinery. Can we make a D&D campaign out of a game of solitaire? Abso-fucking-lutely! The goal of the game is to get every card from the aces to the kings situated in four cells. What if those kings, queens, jacks, and jokers were real people? What if they were being locked in real cells by the joker and held hostage? What will the joker do with his newfound hostages? Ransom them? Beat them? Torture them? Fuck them? Is there any chance at all of saving the royal hostages? Would the two of diamonds or three of clubs even want to save them? Would a four of spades be able to use a shovel as a weapon, like the spade suggests? So many possibilities. The world is yours to unlock and unravel!

And once again, we’ll up the ante with something a little more glorious than a trip to the supermarket or a game of solitaire. Let’s say you want to make a D&D campaign out of your old Final Fight SNES cartridge. You certainly can do that! For those not old enough to remember, Final Fight is a videogame where you take a beefy brawler of your choice and beat the living hell out of the Mad Gear Gang until they give back their pretty young hostage. The creative fuel from such a game is endless. Mike Haggar, a muscular professional wrestler in the game, could be a dragon-born barbarian that breaths fire and chops shit down with battleaxes. Guy, a skinny little ninja, could be an elf with magical abilities to make up for his lack of physical strength. Cody Travers? He could wear gauntlets as he punches through armies of half-orcs on his way to save his girlfriend Jessica Haggar. The possibilities are literally endless!

Of course, the creative alterations you make to any source of creative fuel don’t have to be purely cosmetic, nor should they be. Badass non-human characters are nice, but without a concrete story, they’ve got no reason for doing the things they do and they’ve got no reason to develop beyond their archetypes. So how do you take a game of Vegas Stakes for the SNES and develop it into a, pardon the pun, high stakes situation? For those who don’t know, Vegas Stakes is basically a gambling game where the object is to win…(lifts my pinky to my face) one million dollars! There could be many wrinkles you could add to a seemingly shallow storyline. What if you cheated to win that money and now have to face the wrath of beefy bouncers? What if you spent your winnings on prostitutes and got one of them pregnant? What if you lost all of your money and have to do some unsavory things to get it back? And of course, there’d be dragons flying around everyone and half-orcs losing their shit every which way. It just wouldn’t be a D&D campaign without those things happening every six seconds.

Do I have your attention now? You don’t have to look very hard to find a multi-layered story in the most ordinary or extraordinary things. When you build your story, make sure the characters are the ones driving it. We like character-driven stories, because without the characters, there’s nothing to develop and without anything to develop and cultivate, your story is boring as shit. There are authors out there who still get this wrong. It’s forgivable during the first draft stages, but once your book is out there on the market, you’re fresh out of excuses. Find your story. Build your characters. Make those two things interact with each other. Find friends who are willing to play your new D&D campaign. But if you don’t have friends, write the novel yourself. The world is yours. What you do with it is up to you. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

Holy shit! I just found another source of creative fuel, this time from my sign off phrase, which is stolen from a Three Days Grace song. Climbing mountains even when you’re dying? Why are you climbing the mountain? What’s on the top of it that’s so special? What obstacles will test your mettle? Are there dragons, barbarians, and wizards who want that special prize as much as you do? Do I still have your attention, motherfuckers?

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

Speaking of three-dimensional stories, this new edition of Beautiful Monster is drawing to a close with just three more chapters and an epilogue to write. So close, yet so far away! I can do this! All I have to do is guide Windham, Llewellyn, and Tarja on a mission to pick off poisoned mercenaries and soldiers one by one. Seems easy since they’re all choking on blight fumes, right? Well, not exactly. There are still three people on the battlefield who arrived late and therefore didn’t breathe in an ass-load of toxic smoke. Any guesses as to who these three are? I’m waiting!

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call an ordinary Shrek character?

A: Medi-ogre.

***POST-SCRIPT***

What’s this? I have another piece of creative fuel to work with? A Shrek-based D&D campaign? Hell yeah!

No Singular Goal

***NO SINGULAR GOAL***

I’ve been writing novels and short stories for a long fucking time, yet I only noticed today how almost none of my novels have singular goals within the plot. Instead the main characters accomplish smaller goals on the way to a climax that may or may not be part of the linear structure. It’s weird. There are singular goals in other stories, but not mine. In Harry Potter, the goal is to kill Voldemort. In Star Wars, it’s to kill Darth Vader and destabilize the empire. In Lord of the Rings, it’s to destroy a powerful ring by dropping it into a river of lava. In Silent Warrior, the main goal is to…um…In Beautiful Monster, Windham Xavier wants to…uh…heh…In Incelbordination…Oswald Crow wants to…oh, I give up!

Okay, let’s use Incelbordination as an example. At the beginning of the story, Oswald Crow wants a girlfriend, or to at least have sex for the very first time. But then he meets Antero Magnus and wants to rage against the world. Then he sees how coo-coo his followers are and wants to bring Antero to justice. And then once that’s out of the way, he wants to sort out his life and find a real girlfriend again, which he doesn’t do. Does this seem like a cluster fuck to you? I’m sure it does. But we’re just getting warmed up!

For the sake of argument, when I refer to Beautiful Monster, I’ll only refer to the god-awful drive-by abortion first draft, not the rewrite I’m currently working on. Windham Xavier goes on a mission to spy on Shelly Atwood. Then he wants to get away from her. Then he wants to make sweet monkey love to Tarja Rikkinen for no damn reason. Then he wants to keep his job at the formerly known Paladin Cross. Then he wants to kill Orpheus Rinehart. Then he wants to survive and start a new life with Tarja. And then…reasons?

Still not convinced of how crazy my plot structures are? Let’s do the same thing for Silent Warrior. Scott George wants to stop having traumatic visions. Then he wants to stick it to his history teacher. Then he wants to fuck the history teacher’s daughter. Then he wants to get out of jail. Then he wants to graduate high school. Then he wants to be a psychological counselor at his high school. And then he wants to…he, uh…UGH!

These plots would all sound chaotic to any sane reader. Windham Xavier, Scott George, and Oswald Crow have no singular goals that define the entire story. They’re just playing in by ear and changing their minds as new events take place. Are there a whole lot of stories out there with this kind of narrative? I’ll try to think of a few.

In A Christmas Story, Ralph wants to get a BB rifle for Christmas. Then he wants to get an A++++++ on his essay. Then he wants to decode Little Orphan Annie’s message. Then he wants to beat the shit out of Scut Farkus. Then he wants to eat dinner at a Chinese restaurant after the Christmas turkey is ruined by the Bumpus’s dogs. And then once he shoots his eye out, he wants to…he wants to…he, uh…DAH!

In Pink Floyd the Wall, Pink wants to survive life without a father. Then he wants to stick it to his Scottish teacher. Then he wants to grow up and be a rock star. Then he wants to get married. Then he wants to shut everybody out. Then he wants to have a pseudo Nazi rally and then put himself on trial when things get out of control. And then he wants to…uh…Jesus…UGH!

I’m sure there are other examples of chaotic storytelling out there, but I can’t think of anything beyond those two I just gave. Truth be told, I’m not even sure if refusing to have a singular goal in mind is the right or wrong thing to do. I suppose a case could be made that these stories of mine are slices of life, where random occurrences and constant changes of opinion are part of reality.

Think about it for a minute. Does anybody’s life really have a singular goal? And if so, what do they do when it’s achieved? Does their story end right there? Do they live the rest of their lives riding out this goal or do they miraculously have a heart attack and die at the story’s conclusion?  Life is full of twists and turns. It’s not a linear path despite what these other stories tell you. If it was a linear path, the ending would be too easy to predict. But this is just my opinion and I could be missing something here.

I’d like to think that a story’s unpredictability lies within the hows, not the whats. Yes, we know the good guys will win in the end. But if you want to know how they survive these insurmountable odds, you have to read the whole fucking thing. But what if the ending is negative? Again, it’s all about the hows. How did the hero fuck it up that badly and how does life go on now that he’s no longer a factor? With a chaotic plot, you don’t have to worry about these things too much because you don’t know what to expect. You’re looking for the whats AND the hows. But again, this is just my opinion and if someone wants to prove me wrong, I’ll give you all the chances you need to do so. I could be wrong and I wouldn’t even know it until someone told me.

Are there any other examples of chaotic storytelling that I’m missing? They do exist, I’m sure, but most of my media intake comes from linear plots revolving around a singular goal. In Black Panther, the Wakandans want to defend their kingdom from evil forces. In Wonder Woman, she wants to make Ares pay for his sins against her people. In X-Men, Charles Xavier’s students want to keep Magneto from killing all humans despite the fact that humans are prejudiced against mutants.

In Occupy Wrestling (which actually is published), Mitch McLeod wants to win the KDW World Championship. Then he wants to keep it. Then he wants to put his boss in jail. Then he wants to protect his girlfriend from hideous monster wrestlers. Then he wants to bring down his boss’s monstrous empire. Then he wants to…uh…uh…damn it! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! What you do once you get to the mountaintop, that’s up to you. I certainly hope that’s not your singular goal in life!

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

RANDAL: Can’t we do something about those two stoners hanging around the convenience store all the time?

DANTE: Why? What’d they do now?

RANDAL: I’m trying to watch Clash of the Titans and all I can hear is those two screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs.

DANTE: I thought the fat one didn’t talk much.

RANDAL: What, am I producing an A&E Biography about them?

-Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back-

***POST-SCRIPT***

While I’m playing the waiting game with Emilio and the Scratching Post (which is finished, by the way), I’ve been keeping busy with reviews of the shortest books I own. You’ll also notice a short story called Goddamn Dog. Well, I’d also like to get back to writing Beautiful Monster during this downtime. I believe it’s been at least a whole month since I’ve touched this project. That’s way too long. When it comes to chapter 17, I’m having a hard time deciding if I should tell the story through Windham’s eyes or Tarja’s. Windham is still in the Shadow Asylum basement being tortured by Kody Savage. Tarja is on her way to rescue him. Maybe I can split this chapter into two parts? Hmm…

Island Zealot

A mismatch from the very beginning

There never really was any winning

Nothing in common but our biology

Brought together through technology

I could show you my CD collection

The heaviest hard rock connection

I could show you my shelves of books

Obscure titles with exciting hooks

You could pet my elderly kitty cat

Earn head bumps and purrs just like that

We could talk about power to the people

And try to pretend everything is equal

We could play with my chest of Legos

Make them fight right from the get-go

I could write you a poem or story

That’ll leave your soul freely soaring

We could go for a walk to stuff our faces

With so much food from different places

But it was never really meant to be

I’m an island zealot, but what does it mean?

It means I’m the only one in this room

Who follows my own interests to my doom

I can’t share them with you, you don’t care

You cut me down with a confused stare

All you cared about was my profile picture

Could your shallow intentions get any sicker?

You’d leave me once the beauty fades away

I’m sorry, but I didn’t come here to play

My hair and eyes are my best features, I’m told

But a handsome profile doesn’t equal pure gold

I need someone to be my very best friend

Give it to me or this conversation will end

I don’t need new hobbies or interests, honey

Don’t need a billion dollars worth of hush money

I’m good enough to be my own fucking man

I’m sorry I don’t fit into your devious plans

Believe

Believe in the beauty of rock bottom failure

Believe you can cross rough waters like a sailor

Believe this world is yours for the taking

Believe in the beauty of the art you’re making

Believe your heart is made of pure gold

Believe you can crush the lies you are told

Believe your soul can never be sold

Believe the fire inside can never go cold

Believe in your own battle-tested story

Believe normalcy is so damn boring

Believe conformity is never the answer

Believe indifference is the ultimate cancer

Believe passion is more powerful than a pistol

Believe true love is stronger than a missile

If you know something in your heart to be true

Sitting back and watching isn’t the thing to do

You have a voice; it’s time to make your choice

Make a bold statement or just make some noise

Believe in your power to shake the landscape

Look beyond the train wrecks and bad days

Believe in your power to never give up

Despite the many days that just might suck

Believe the end is only the beginning

Believe this is truly a life worth living

We Steal Tears

VERSE 1

Death! Death! Double, double, death!

We’re addicted to this shit like crystal meth

Tears! Tears! Triple, triple, tears!

We’ve robbed you of all your childhood years

Quit! Quit! Quadruple quitting!

You want your tears back? Who’re you kidding?

Hack! Slash! Out with all the trash!

Your whole world reduced to a pile of ash

CHORUS

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Drown your sorrow in poisonous beers!

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Capitalizing on your deep and darkest fears!

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Your final Armageddon is drawing near!

We steal everything that you hold dear!

But that ship has already sailed from its pier!

VERSE 2

Love! Love! You can’t get enough!

Breaking through the metal armor so tough

War! War! You’re begging for more!

Get your ass in battle and give me some gore

Experience points! Your currency of choice!

Let me hear some motherfucking noise

Lightning! Fire! Sorcerers for hire!

The final battle is getting down to the wire

CHORUS

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Drown your sorrow in poisonous beers!

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Capitalizing on your deep and darkest fears!

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Your final Armageddon is drawing near!

We steal everything that you hold dear!

But that ship has already sailed from its pier!

BRIDGE

It’s nothing personal, it’s only business

This is what we do with creative vision

Sell you a story of friendship and family

And a hint of magic, it’s your final fantasy

VERSE 3

Buy it fast! Supplies won’t last!

Rain down on your enemies with a fiery blast

Save the girl! Save the world!

Enough lusty drama to make your toes curl

Ride the golden bird! Spread the word!

Fly the airship through a world so absurd

We’re not responsible for your broken heart!

Or the inability to get that shit to restart

CHORUS

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Drown your sorrow in poisonous beers!

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Capitalizing on your deep and darkest fears!

We steal tears! We steal tears!

Your final Armageddon is drawing near!

We steal everything that you hold dear!

But that ship has already sailed from its pier!