John Cleese: a Free Speech Warrior Who Can't Talk Because He's Licking J.K. Rowling's Boots

 

Vaush vs. J.K. Rowling

 

Know Your Audience

I write because I look forward to a better day

You write laws where the teachers can’t say gay

You write for wifebeaters who have exes to pay

Conspiracy theorists who are scared of space rays

Femcels who still love Harry Potter

Twitter capitalists who disown their trans daughters

Russian spies who put ricin in your water

Big city cops arrested for manslaughter

Neckbeards who think wrestling is real

IDF soldiers who’ve got tender little feels

Girlbosses in five-thousand-dollar heels

Big mother truckers with five-thousand fucking wheels

Divorced dads who still listen to Disturbed

Libertarians who swear they’re not addicted to herbs

Movie stars who’ve been outed as pervs

Israeli politicians with some sensitive nerves

You and I, we’re not the same thing

Fight for different causes, fight for different wings

You can shoot your Bud Light with an AK-47

But when all is said and done, you’ll never go to heaven

Spend your whole life cowering from the devil

Only to realize you’re on a mediocre level

Drop the bravado, ‘cause it doesn’t mean shit

We’re already in hell, climate change burned all of it

Problematic Authors

(sigh)…I need some advice from internet land. What I don’t need is to be called a “woke snowflake” and anybody who says something to that effect will be permanently booted from my immediate vicinity. I have two whole bookcases full of unread books and some of those books were written by authors of…questionable character. Do I read those books anyways? Do I mercilessly roast the authors who wrote them when I do my online reviews? Do I sell the books online or donate them to either a library or a thrift store? In case you’re wondering which books I’m talking about, here’s a brief list of what I’ve got:

1. “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Al Franken

2. “Bobby Kennedy” by Chris Matthews

3. “Book of Guys, The” by Garrison Keillor

4. “Cuckoo’s Calling” by Robert Galbraith

5. “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” by JK Rowling

6. “God Delusion, The” by Richard Dawkins

7. “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” by JK Rowling

8. “House of Dragons” by Jessica Cluess

9. “Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot” by Al Franken

Now…you’ll notice right away that conspicuous by their absences are Frank Miller and CJ Box. You could call that hypocrisy on my part. You could say that I don’t have a consistent gage for what I consider to be toxic behavior. Or you could say that you know you done fucked up as an author when you’re considered more toxic than Frank Miller and CJ Box. As far as I know, CJ Box hasn’t tried to grope women in public. Frank Miller seems remorseful over some of his bad comics, as opposed to covering his own ass like Jessica Cluess. What do you guys make of all this? And remember: be respectful in the comments section. I know this isn’t everyone’s favorite topic, so if you don’t have anything cool to say, then skip over this post.

Addiopizzo

VERSE 1

You sold us a world where we could be ourselves

You occupied several rows on the library shelves

But then April Fools became your golden rule

The marginalized became part of your death pool

You didn’t sell books, but you collected pizzo

Protection? You’re the only one who eats though

Built a castle out of corpses, sat on a throne of bones

But what do we know? We’re always on our phones

CHORUS

We’ll never pay your prices

You can feed your own vices

Addiopizzo!

Addiopizzo!

VERSE 2

You sold us combat between two superstars

Roads to your arenas jam packed with cars

Then the comedy writers turned the show to shit

But your bank account is still a number one hit

Making more money now than any other point

Smoke cigars made of pizzo, stink up the joint

Built an empire out of muscles and steroids

But what do we know? We’re not one of the boys

CHORUS

We’ll never pay your prices

You can feed your own vices

Addiopizzo!

Addiopizzo!

BRIDGE

You’re wearing a suit made out of pizzo

Crisp dollar bills from the tip jar, keep those

You’re wearing shoes made from human flesh

The worst of it all? The wounds are still fresh

CHORUS

We’ll never pay your prices

You can feed your own vices

Addiopizzo!

Addiopizzo!

VERSE 3

You sold us a product from an MLM boss babe

Got an army of recruits with empty promises made

But then they knock on your door asking for a check

There are more instructions in their DM texts

Keep buying the stash and supplying the pizzo

Ugly leggings, ripped boots, hole-covered speedos

It’s a cycle that continues for the rest of time

Nobody cares that collecting pizzo is a crime

Addiopizzo!

Addiopizzo!

No Singular Goal

***NO SINGULAR GOAL***

I’ve been writing novels and short stories for a long fucking time, yet I only noticed today how almost none of my novels have singular goals within the plot. Instead the main characters accomplish smaller goals on the way to a climax that may or may not be part of the linear structure. It’s weird. There are singular goals in other stories, but not mine. In Harry Potter, the goal is to kill Voldemort. In Star Wars, it’s to kill Darth Vader and destabilize the empire. In Lord of the Rings, it’s to destroy a powerful ring by dropping it into a river of lava. In Silent Warrior, the main goal is to…um…In Beautiful Monster, Windham Xavier wants to…uh…heh…In Incelbordination…Oswald Crow wants to…oh, I give up!

Okay, let’s use Incelbordination as an example. At the beginning of the story, Oswald Crow wants a girlfriend, or to at least have sex for the very first time. But then he meets Antero Magnus and wants to rage against the world. Then he sees how coo-coo his followers are and wants to bring Antero to justice. And then once that’s out of the way, he wants to sort out his life and find a real girlfriend again, which he doesn’t do. Does this seem like a cluster fuck to you? I’m sure it does. But we’re just getting warmed up!

For the sake of argument, when I refer to Beautiful Monster, I’ll only refer to the god-awful drive-by abortion first draft, not the rewrite I’m currently working on. Windham Xavier goes on a mission to spy on Shelly Atwood. Then he wants to get away from her. Then he wants to make sweet monkey love to Tarja Rikkinen for no damn reason. Then he wants to keep his job at the formerly known Paladin Cross. Then he wants to kill Orpheus Rinehart. Then he wants to survive and start a new life with Tarja. And then…reasons?

Still not convinced of how crazy my plot structures are? Let’s do the same thing for Silent Warrior. Scott George wants to stop having traumatic visions. Then he wants to stick it to his history teacher. Then he wants to fuck the history teacher’s daughter. Then he wants to get out of jail. Then he wants to graduate high school. Then he wants to be a psychological counselor at his high school. And then he wants to…he, uh…UGH!

These plots would all sound chaotic to any sane reader. Windham Xavier, Scott George, and Oswald Crow have no singular goals that define the entire story. They’re just playing in by ear and changing their minds as new events take place. Are there a whole lot of stories out there with this kind of narrative? I’ll try to think of a few.

In A Christmas Story, Ralph wants to get a BB rifle for Christmas. Then he wants to get an A++++++ on his essay. Then he wants to decode Little Orphan Annie’s message. Then he wants to beat the shit out of Scut Farkus. Then he wants to eat dinner at a Chinese restaurant after the Christmas turkey is ruined by the Bumpus’s dogs. And then once he shoots his eye out, he wants to…he wants to…he, uh…DAH!

In Pink Floyd the Wall, Pink wants to survive life without a father. Then he wants to stick it to his Scottish teacher. Then he wants to grow up and be a rock star. Then he wants to get married. Then he wants to shut everybody out. Then he wants to have a pseudo Nazi rally and then put himself on trial when things get out of control. And then he wants to…uh…Jesus…UGH!

I’m sure there are other examples of chaotic storytelling out there, but I can’t think of anything beyond those two I just gave. Truth be told, I’m not even sure if refusing to have a singular goal in mind is the right or wrong thing to do. I suppose a case could be made that these stories of mine are slices of life, where random occurrences and constant changes of opinion are part of reality.

Think about it for a minute. Does anybody’s life really have a singular goal? And if so, what do they do when it’s achieved? Does their story end right there? Do they live the rest of their lives riding out this goal or do they miraculously have a heart attack and die at the story’s conclusion?  Life is full of twists and turns. It’s not a linear path despite what these other stories tell you. If it was a linear path, the ending would be too easy to predict. But this is just my opinion and I could be missing something here.

I’d like to think that a story’s unpredictability lies within the hows, not the whats. Yes, we know the good guys will win in the end. But if you want to know how they survive these insurmountable odds, you have to read the whole fucking thing. But what if the ending is negative? Again, it’s all about the hows. How did the hero fuck it up that badly and how does life go on now that he’s no longer a factor? With a chaotic plot, you don’t have to worry about these things too much because you don’t know what to expect. You’re looking for the whats AND the hows. But again, this is just my opinion and if someone wants to prove me wrong, I’ll give you all the chances you need to do so. I could be wrong and I wouldn’t even know it until someone told me.

Are there any other examples of chaotic storytelling that I’m missing? They do exist, I’m sure, but most of my media intake comes from linear plots revolving around a singular goal. In Black Panther, the Wakandans want to defend their kingdom from evil forces. In Wonder Woman, she wants to make Ares pay for his sins against her people. In X-Men, Charles Xavier’s students want to keep Magneto from killing all humans despite the fact that humans are prejudiced against mutants.

In Occupy Wrestling (which actually is published), Mitch McLeod wants to win the KDW World Championship. Then he wants to keep it. Then he wants to put his boss in jail. Then he wants to protect his girlfriend from hideous monster wrestlers. Then he wants to bring down his boss’s monstrous empire. Then he wants to…uh…uh…damn it! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! What you do once you get to the mountaintop, that’s up to you. I certainly hope that’s not your singular goal in life!

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

RANDAL: Can’t we do something about those two stoners hanging around the convenience store all the time?

DANTE: Why? What’d they do now?

RANDAL: I’m trying to watch Clash of the Titans and all I can hear is those two screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs.

DANTE: I thought the fat one didn’t talk much.

RANDAL: What, am I producing an A&E Biography about them?

-Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back-

***POST-SCRIPT***

While I’m playing the waiting game with Emilio and the Scratching Post (which is finished, by the way), I’ve been keeping busy with reviews of the shortest books I own. You’ll also notice a short story called Goddamn Dog. Well, I’d also like to get back to writing Beautiful Monster during this downtime. I believe it’s been at least a whole month since I’ve touched this project. That’s way too long. When it comes to chapter 17, I’m having a hard time deciding if I should tell the story through Windham’s eyes or Tarja’s. Windham is still in the Shadow Asylum basement being tortured by Kody Savage. Tarja is on her way to rescue him. Maybe I can split this chapter into two parts? Hmm…

Jim Cornette's Name Test

***JIM CORNETTE’S NAME TEST***

Another blog entry about wrestling? Well, not entirely, though Jim Cornette is one of wrestling’s most recognizable personalities. This blog has a little bit more of a universal appeal since it’s about character names. Whether the genre is wrestling, fantasy, sci-fi, or even contemporary, you want your characters to have good-sounding names. A guy named Michael Hickenbottom doesn’t stand a chance in the limelight. But Shawn Michaels? Why, that’s Hall of Fame-worthy.

Here’s how the name test works. You have two opponents, the protagonist and the antagonist. When you say their names and stick the word “versus” in between them, you want it to sound like it could be a big deal. Examples from wrestling that could pass the name test include Ric Flair vs. The Undertaker. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Makes you want to know more about this conflict. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. “Macho Man” Randy Savage. That also sounds exciting.

And like I said at the top of the journal, this logic could apply to any two sets of people. Harry Potter vs. Voldemort sounds as magical as its canon suggests. It makes you want to read the books or watch the movies, so you’ll spend top dollar to know how that story ends. Lion-O vs. Mummra also has a mystical aura to it, which makes sense coming from a cartoon called The Thundercats. Goku vs. Freiza has a martial arts feel to it. Mario vs. Bowser sounds like something that would happen in a comically mischievous world.

As much as I don’t want to toot my own horn, I’m going to use examples from my own stories to show that I’m following Jim Cornette’s advice to a fault. I’m currently writing a high school drama called Silent Warrior, so there better be a positive name test result to back up such a hot title. Scott George vs. Tom Simpson? Well, it doesn’t sound like much on the surface, but if you shortened their names to just their family names, it sounds like a Supreme Court case. George vs. Simpson? I’d say that has a Supreme Court ring to it, which is funny because chapter eighteen features a criminal case against Mr. George.

And then you have examples that not only fail the name test, but fail them on an epic scale. The Undertaker sounds like a creepy enough name on its own, but not when his opponent is named Stinky McFarts or Chilly McFreeze. Ever wonder why you never saw a main event WWE match in the 1990’s between Doink the Clown and Bastion Booger? Look at the names of those two individuals and run them through the test. Epic fucking fail!

As much as I hate to admit it, one of my back-burner novel ideas fails the name test as well. Booger the Clown vs. The Orc King. There’s nothing wrong with The Orc King. In fact, it sounds rather intimidating. But when you pair him up with a guy named Booger the Clown, you can see how the story gets dragged down by guffaws of laughter. Then again, Booger is supposed to be an ironic name to begin with considering the character is a depressed, suicidal marine who moonlights as a birthday clown and can only feel happy when he’s listening to violent gangster rap.

If you’re an author penning the next bestseller, take your naming system seriously and make sure the final conflict doesn’t feature Nut Sack McGee vs. Penis Breaker III. Of course, no self respecting author would ever do that to his or her own product, but it’s worth pointing out anyways. You want to know what sounds like a spellbinding feud? Reverend Jesse Custer vs. God. A lot of whacky shit takes place in Preacher, including that same feud I just mentioned. I don’t know much about the TV show, but I’ve read volumes one through four of the graphic novels. It’s every bit as fucked up as the feud sounds.

So that’s all I have for you today. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses and leave online reviews for your favorite indy authors. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! But before I leave, now that we’re on a wrestling-related topic, yes, I will do a blog entry about 2017’s Most Disgusting Promotional Tactics as awarded by the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. My love for shocking the shit out of my audience hasn’t waned a bit. And goddamn, we’ve had some good ones this year! Bye!

***LEGAL QUESTION***

For the next chapter of Silent Warrior, I’m planning on having Scott George rushed to the hospital to be treated for anxiety and malnutrition. I’m not sure if court cases actually work like this, but I was thinking about having the trial broadcast to Scott’s room via satellite so that he can at least know what the hell’s going on. Would a court actually do that or do they just wait for the suspect to stand trial? You don’t have to be a member of the bar association to answer this; you just have to know more about it than I do.

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Accept who you are…unless you’re a serial killer.”

-Ellen DeGeneres-

Believe

Believe in the beauty of rock bottom failure

Believe you can cross rough waters like a sailor

Believe this world is yours for the taking

Believe in the beauty of the art you’re making

Believe your heart is made of pure gold

Believe you can crush the lies you are told

Believe your soul can never be sold

Believe the fire inside can never go cold

Believe in your own battle-tested story

Believe normalcy is so damn boring

Believe conformity is never the answer

Believe indifference is the ultimate cancer

Believe passion is more powerful than a pistol

Believe true love is stronger than a missile

If you know something in your heart to be true

Sitting back and watching isn’t the thing to do

You have a voice; it’s time to make your choice

Make a bold statement or just make some noise

Believe in your power to shake the landscape

Look beyond the train wrecks and bad days

Believe in your power to never give up

Despite the many days that just might suck

Believe the end is only the beginning

Believe this is truly a life worth living

Lisa Roberts

I’ve never been much of a John Wayne guy. I also never condoned the idea of cowboys shooting at Indians for no particular reason other than to be dicks. So why then would the western genre interest me enough to almost write a story about called Tombstone Technique? Because everything, and I do mean everything, can be made better…with magic! Cowboys shooting magic bullets at each other and Indians firing lightning arrows at their attackers. Bank robberies being done with shadowy skull staves and ten-pace shootouts being done with bone wands. My idea of a western story would be a sick hybrid of A Million Ways to Die in the West, Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, and Harry Potter.

That’s where Deputy Lisa Roberts comes in. You want to know where I got the name Lisa Roberts from? I stole it from NCIS: Los Angeles. It was a cover name used by Kensi Blye when she was going undercover as a warehouse thief. Actually, that’s an episode I’d rather forget, because it ends with Kensi getting punched in the jaw to the point where she can’t chew her food.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have the time or patience to expand Tombstone Technique beyond a genre hodgepodge and a roster of names. That means of course we have a lot of work to do when it comes to developing Lisa Roberts. And no, the word “development” has nothing to do with her breasts, you sick freak. It simply means we know nothing about her. She’s a clean slate and we need a piece of chalk to create art.

First and foremost, I want Lisa Roberts to be tough and sexy at the same time. I want her to rock a pair of jean shorts and to kick the balls of any man perverted enough to stare at her legs. I want her to have a revolver in one hand and a skull wand in the other. Whenever she has assholes on both sides of her, she can pump some lead into one side and shoot lightning bolts, bone spears, poison daggers, and fireballs on the other. But what if she got the crazy idea of imbuing her bullets with magical powers? Fireball bullets. Lightning bullets. Ice bullets. How about bullets that contain all three of those mystic elements? I have to fan myself off for a minute and it has nothing to do with the summer weather.

But of course, if I made Lisa Roberts into a male fantasy sex machine, she wouldn’t do well with the female members of my audience (unless they were lesbians, but chances are, they’re not). What kind of likeable qualities could we give this woman to make her stand out as a super heroine of the wild west? Toughness, as I’ve said earlier, will go a long way in giving her popularity. A silver tongue might also do wonders for her. A take-no-shit attitude will sure as hell give her some staying power. I’m liking Lisa already! She reminds me of Wonder Woman!

It’s funny, because just a few weeks ago at the WSS Contest and Company group on Good Reads, I confessed to everybody that I didn’t know how to make likeable characters, that I just threw everything together willy-nilly. I’m still doing that with Lisa Roberts. The difference is, if I want Lisa to become the fully-developed badass she’s destined to be, I can’t put her in a short story contest entry. She has to go through a whole journey that can only be told within a full-length novel. And unlike most characters in my novels, Lisa Roberts will live to see the next novel, should she be a popular hit with my audience. She’s a survivor, damn it! Put her in the move “The Purge” and she’ll still come out smelling like roses and gunpowder!

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“My wife Stacy is good at getting heel heat with the crowd at wrestling shows. Hell, she gets heat with me around the house.”

-Jim Cornette-

Love Stories

Being lonely sucks. Being in a dysfunctional relationship sucks. Breaking up sucks. And yet despite all of these aspects of relationships sucking, we continue to seek love in the strangest places. For me, I look for them in the stories I soak in whether they’re from books, movies, or songs. But when I choose a romantic medium to hold near and dear to my heart, I don’t want it to be cheesier than a Domino’s Pizza. Step down and shake it off, Harlequin, you don’t belong here. I hate to say this, but Fifty Shades of Grey and The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty don’t belong here either despite having their own posts on this blog. To my way of thinking, stories where two star-crossed lovers run in each other’s arms and fuck passionately in a perfect agreement is fake romance. I can’t relate to anything that’s perfect because I am not a perfect person. On the contrary, I’m a shy recluse who wants a relationship with a woman, but can’t ask for one because of my social barriers. Those are the stories I want to involve myself with: the shy guy or shy girl being wooed by someone who sees through their social awkwardness. Pretty much every movie I’ve seen at the art theater in Tacoma called The Grand Cinema has this premise from Safety Not Guaranteed to Mud to The Silver Linings Playbook to my absolute favorite so far, Obselidia. The latter of these four movies really yanked at my heart strings. In case you’re not familiar with this independent masterpiece, it’s about a lonely librarian named George who thinks love is obsolete since babies can be made artificially and sex is disposable. And then he meets a cinema projectionist named Sophie, who shows him that loving each other is what makes the world work. Sounds like a perfect premise, right? Not so fast, pacho. By the movie’s end, George visits Sophie’s house to deliver flowers and there’s a male voice in the background that says, “Who is it, sweetie?” Needless to say, George was heartbroken. I’d even dare say that he cried relentlessly over this turn of events. Mere moments after walking out of that movie theater with my parents, I got in the car and started listening to a cover of “Careless Whisper” by Seether on my MP3 player. When you combine Obselidia with Seether, your heartstrings will not only be tugged at, but it’ll be done with the force of a tow truck. Want some other combinations? How about The Sessions and Toto? A Late Quartet and The Moody Blues? The possibilities are endless when it comes to looking for ways to break your own heart. Even Harry Potter has elements of realistic romance, which is more than anybody can say about the Twilight series, as long as we’re continuing the war between those two canons. Hehe! War and cannons. I swear that was an accident. The point I’m trying to make is that if you’re looking for cheese, go to an Italian restaurant and order a pizza. If you want real romance that actually inspires and saddens at the same time, look for media that doesn’t have a Mary-Sue identity. To close this out with a bang, even Five Finger Death Punch is capable of realistic romance with the song “Walk Away”. Suck on that, Harlequin! Actually, don’t do that, it’ll just turn into a cheesy sex scene if you do.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I feel so unsure as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor. As the music dies, something in your eyes calls to mind the silver screen and all its sad goodbyes. I’m never gonna dance again, ‘cause guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a fool. I should have known better than the cheat a friend and waste the chance that I’ve been given. So I’m never gonna dance again the way I danced with you.”

-Seether singing “Careless Whisper” by Wham!-

Magnum Opuses

A magnum opus is not a candy bar or an ice cream treat. It’s a singular work that defines an author’s entire career. Musicians, directors, and other artists can have magnum opuses as well. For Anthony Burgess, his magnum opus was A Clockwork Orange, much to his chagrin. The only reason why he wrote it (in such a short time span, no less) was to pay a bill. That’s it. That’s all A Clockwork Orange was supposed to be. My first thought upon hearing this was, “If he can write this good of a story when he’s rushing it, imagine what he’s like when he slows down and plans everything.” Mr. Burgess should be proud of himself. Actually, he can’t since he’s dead, but you get the picture. Then again, there are times when I can sympathize with this magnum opus phenomenon being a bad thing. I have a DeviantART account (in case you didn’t know) and from time to time I’ll post memes of my top ten favorite things or top 100 or god knows what else. When my memes get more views and favorites than my pieces of literature, which I genuinely worked hard on, that’s when I become disappointed with the internet community. It makes me upset that they can identify with a meme more often than a piece of art that actually means something. I don’t know if this is a mark of the smart phone generation or what, but it does piss me off from time to time. But then there are times when a magnum opus can work in the author’s favor like it did with Anthony Burgess (even though he didn’t know it just yet). You know the nu metal band Limp Bizkit? Their magnum opus is a tossup between the songs “Rollin’” and “Counterfeit”. What about Pink Floyd? Theirs is a tossup between the albums The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon. Imagine having to choose between a colorful prism and a hideous screaming face. What if you tried playing a word association game with the name JK Rowling? Harry Potter will always be the first thing to come to mind. The point I’m trying to make here is to be proud of your magnum opus regardless of how ashamed it made you feel previously. In hindsight, a bunch of people faving my memes could lead to those same people being interested in other things of mine as well. That’s normally how it works with drawings, photos, and such. Just try and stay positive about the things you’re famous for. For me personally, I’m glad that my characters Deus Shadowheart (charismatic barbarian) and Dr. Scott Cain (corrupt rapist) have a profound influence on how people see me. That’s why I recycled them from an old videogame idea called Final Fantasy Hardcore into a better-written story known as Hardcore Hate 1. If you’re famous for good things, embrace it.

　

***MY FIRST SALE***

After months of agonizing over success and failure, I finally sold my first copy of “Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart”. I’m confident that the one sale will spiral into a hundred. Or a thousand. Or a million. Whoever bought this book is going to spread the word for sure. For that, I’m thankful.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“It don’t bother me if people think I’m funny, ‘cause I’m a big rock star and I make a lot of money!”

-Korn singing “Earache”-

Believability in Nonfiction

Currently sitting on my “to-read” shelf is “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey. I haven’t even started it yet and already it intrigues me, mainly because of the media shit-storm that Mr. Frey had to endure due to allegations of his nonfiction work being a sham. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant to me. You know why? Because I don’t give a shit if a story is real or true, as long as it’s entertaining. If you want to know how ridiculous this media circus is, then know this. Whenever any nonfiction book gets published, there are actually “detectives” out there who fact check every little part of the story. Right down to the last detail. If you had chicken fried steak for lunch one day and wrote down that you had a double bacon cheeseburger instead, prepare to be crucified. They can be that extreme sometimes. I think to myself, “Hey, Dick Tracy, shut the fuck up, will you? You’re full of more shit than the author you’re persecuting! Your breath is so bad, I don’t know if you need a breath mint or toilet paper!” Granted, the book is placed in nonfiction for a reason, but I’m not exactly getting my underwear in a knot over it and either should Dick Tracy. If on the other hand we’re talking about things like slander and libel, then I could actually see the other side of this argument a lot clearer. I will admit that most libel cases are complete bullshit since people will sue over someone expressing a negative opinion about them. But if it’s legitimate libel, then that means the negativity was played as a fact and the victim’s life could actually be ruined as a result of that. In which case, go ahead and sue the motherfucker for all he’s worth. But don’t give me this speech about how a nonfiction book has the potential to be a bunch of hallow lies. It’s like people who say they hate professional wrestling because it’s fake. You know what I say to those people? “Oh yeah? Well, Harry Potter’s fake and I don’t hear you crying about that!” Every time I have this conversation with my mother, she seems somewhat upset that Harry Potter is not real. That’s some serious devotion right there, though I don’t know if it’s aimed at Harry Potter being real or pro-wrestling being fake. The lesson of the day? Stop caring if a piece of literature really happened or not. It doesn’t fucking matter. If you read the book and liked it, isn’t that all that counts in the end? Now if it was a newspaper or a textbook that was considered fiction, then I’d actually have the energy to worry about it. But until then, just read your novel and enjoy it!

　

***COMMERCIAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“You can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Otherwise, I’d be a Nigerian millionaire by now.”

-Kevin Butler advertising the Playstation 3-

The Literary Genre

Seeing the movie “Barbara” at the Grand Cinema in Tacoma gave me the inspiration to talk about this next topic: the literary genre. While “Barbara” wasn’t a book, it could just as easily fall under this category. The purpose of the literary genre is to educate before it entertains. It’s the reason why you’ll see books like “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “Green Grass, Running Water” on college campuses rather than things like “Harry Potter” and “The Hunger Games”. Literary genre stories don’t have to be fast-paced, they don’t even have to be fun to read. But then again, people don’t go to college or high school to have fun. They go there to become educated citizens so that they can get a good job and keep it for a long, long time. That’s all well and good, up until the point where the teachers penalize you for writing genre fiction, which isn’t always known for artsy-fartsy bullshit. Encouraging students to write literary novels isn’t anywhere near true to what goes on in the real world. There’s a whole sprawl of authors who became successful doing things like fantasy, sci-fi, transgression, and horror stories. They’re so successful that I don’t even have to name them because you already know who they are. But just for the sake of argument, their names are Suzanne Collins, Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, and as much as I hate to admit it, Stephanie Meyer. You don’t always have to win a Pulitzer Prize in order to be a good author. If at least one person likes your work, congratulations, you’re a good author. If multiple people like your work, you’re popular to those people as well. A Pulitzer Prize isn’t a requirement for being well-fed. So why then would teachers encourage their students to write things worthy of such a feat such as literary fiction and nonfiction? If you’re wondering why I need to ask this question, it’s because I’m still peeved about a C I got in one of my multiple-genre writing classes. It’s amazing how I can remember the worst times of my life, but the best ones are so distant that I might as well have Alzheimer’s. In any event, don’t expect “Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart” to win any Pulitzer Prizes anytime soon. I choose entertainment over education. If you happen to be educated by the lessons taught in genre fiction, then good for you. If you actually had fun reading it, you have a lot more of my respect. Send your money to the United Necromancer College Fund. Because genres are terrible things to waste.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DEEKS: Eric, I need you to run a license plate number. S as in Slayer, M as in Metallica, A as in Anthrax, 5-2-3 and P as in…parsnip.

ERIC: Wait a minute, your lettering system is based off of heavy metal bands and all you could give me was a root vegetable?

DEEKS: Sorry, I drew a blank.

ERIC: Pantera! Hello!

DEEKS: Cowboys From Hell. What was I thinking?

-NCIS: Los Angeles-

"Just a Guy" by BIll Engvall

You all know Bill Engvall as a giggly blue-collar comedian who will forever be known as the guy who hands out signs to morons that read “I’m Stupid”. In his 2007 memoir entitled “Just a Guy”, he’s still a giggly blue-collar comedian known for saying “Here’s Your Sign”, but his material is a little more personal this time. Bill was always known for having a great sense of humor, so his future in comedy just came naturally. A classic example of this is when he was jumping around with his sisters on the bed and he fell off and sliced himself open. Instead of being gross and perverted like a lot of horror authors, he took the hyperbolic route and in the book described the blood flow as being worse than the entire Saw series. You don’t actually have to watch the Saw movies to know what he’s talking about. Just the fact that the movies have that name is enough to let the reader know that someone’s getting slashed up worse than Bill plopping on a sharp wooden floor. But for all you writers out there, keep in mind that the only reason Bill Engvall can get away with hyperbolic descriptions and you can’t is because A: he’s a celebrity, and B: he’s a comedian. That’s why when he described a tall-haired woman on an airplane as looking like Marge Simpson, he gets more laughs out of that one sentence than most writers get out of an entire novel. Or how about the time when he described himself as being so sore after a baseball game that he walked like he crapped his pants. Huh? There’s an image you’ll never get out of your head! Having said all of these things about Bill Engvall’s comedic prowess, “Just a Guy” isn’t without its somber moments. They’re few and far in between, but they’re still there and they’ll still haunt you. The one that sticks out for me is when Bill’s mother divorced his father and he was left with a huge hole in his heart that couldn’t be patched up with levy cement. It pained me to read that a funny guy like him was actually crying his eyes out whenever the thought of his mother leaving him came about. Yet another one that sticks out in my mind is near the end of the book where Bill talks about becoming more and more invisible as he gets older. He’s away on the road for so long that the only function he has anymore is buying pizza or taking the kids for a ride to the mall. As someone who’s been a ghost before, this is troubling to me. But don’t let these two tearjerker moments draw you away from this book. It’s a giggly read from beginning to end and it’ll go by so fast that you won’t have time to have dewy eyes. Definitely worth whatever you pay for it!

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“My son plays the piano and one day he said he wanted to play something for me. He says, ‘I’m going to play you something from Harry Potter.’ And I say, ‘The movie?’ And he says, ‘No, the book. Here’s your sign, Dad!’”

-Bill Engvall-