Mysterious Writing

Quick question before I begin: does anybody here know what a “whale road” is? When I first heard this term in college, I never once imagined that it could be interpreted as an ocean that Beowulf swam through just for fun. I actually thought it was a dirt road littered with fresh whale corpses that stunk up the place worse than a limburger factory in the middle of a cow pasture. You know what else confused me? “Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?” “I’m over here, you dumb bitch!” Yes, that’s an actual joke I used in Foe vs. Blade’s medieval fantasy story called Down. These two examples don’t even scratch the surface of what I like to call “mysterious writing”. It’s not to be confused with the mystery genre, which is a legitimate business considering that my first favorite book was a crime thriller called “The Cleaner” by Brett Battles. When I say “mysterious writing”, I mean writing that uses weird descriptors that take way too long to sink in. Shakespeare was the worst offender when it came to mysterious writing. Somewhere in his works is a description where he talks about a wreath being pulled down a metal pole that’s somehow supposed to represent a woman being a slut. Actually, a pole going into a wreath can be construed as sexual, but I don’t think that’s what Shakespeare was going for. In all of his infinite wisdom, he decided that it had to be deeper than a mere Freudian complex. Kids, take this as a lesson not to engage in deep writing unless you actually know what the fuck you’re talking about. Being deep is not the problem; being arrogant and confusing is. I don’t care how many Pulitzer Prizes you win as a result of using awkward descriptions. If you use awkward descriptions, chances are good you suck at writing. But of course, it’s hard to convince somebody of that when they’re making millions of dollars from royalties and living in houses with golden swimming pools in the back. In case you think I’m being mysterious by saying that, I actually mean swimming pools made from melted gold. The lesson you can take away from this blog entry comes in the form of a four-letter acronym known as KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Nobody’s going to think you’re boring if you use a simple writing style. In fact, they may thank you for it in the long run. But if you’re going to be complex, then at least make it accessible to anybody who happens to live in the 21^st Century. I’m not saying you have to LOL at your BFF. In fact, you should never do that under any circumstances!

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

"Cold turkey’s getting stale. Tonight I’m eating crow."

-Green Day singing "Hitchin' a Ride"-

The Literary Genre

Seeing the movie “Barbara” at the Grand Cinema in Tacoma gave me the inspiration to talk about this next topic: the literary genre. While “Barbara” wasn’t a book, it could just as easily fall under this category. The purpose of the literary genre is to educate before it entertains. It’s the reason why you’ll see books like “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “Green Grass, Running Water” on college campuses rather than things like “Harry Potter” and “The Hunger Games”. Literary genre stories don’t have to be fast-paced, they don’t even have to be fun to read. But then again, people don’t go to college or high school to have fun. They go there to become educated citizens so that they can get a good job and keep it for a long, long time. That’s all well and good, up until the point where the teachers penalize you for writing genre fiction, which isn’t always known for artsy-fartsy bullshit. Encouraging students to write literary novels isn’t anywhere near true to what goes on in the real world. There’s a whole sprawl of authors who became successful doing things like fantasy, sci-fi, transgression, and horror stories. They’re so successful that I don’t even have to name them because you already know who they are. But just for the sake of argument, their names are Suzanne Collins, Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, and as much as I hate to admit it, Stephanie Meyer. You don’t always have to win a Pulitzer Prize in order to be a good author. If at least one person likes your work, congratulations, you’re a good author. If multiple people like your work, you’re popular to those people as well. A Pulitzer Prize isn’t a requirement for being well-fed. So why then would teachers encourage their students to write things worthy of such a feat such as literary fiction and nonfiction? If you’re wondering why I need to ask this question, it’s because I’m still peeved about a C I got in one of my multiple-genre writing classes. It’s amazing how I can remember the worst times of my life, but the best ones are so distant that I might as well have Alzheimer’s. In any event, don’t expect “Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart” to win any Pulitzer Prizes anytime soon. I choose entertainment over education. If you happen to be educated by the lessons taught in genre fiction, then good for you. If you actually had fun reading it, you have a lot more of my respect. Send your money to the United Necromancer College Fund. Because genres are terrible things to waste.

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DEEKS: Eric, I need you to run a license plate number. S as in Slayer, M as in Metallica, A as in Anthrax, 5-2-3 and P as in…parsnip.

ERIC: Wait a minute, your lettering system is based off of heavy metal bands and all you could give me was a root vegetable?

DEEKS: Sorry, I drew a blank.

ERIC: Pantera! Hello!

DEEKS: Cowboys From Hell. What was I thinking?

-NCIS: Los Angeles-