***CHAINS OF CODEPENDENCE***
I’d like to preface this blog entry by saying that I’m by no
means an expert when it comes to matters of the heart. Shocking, right? But
it’s true. I’ve only been in two relationships my whole life and they’re over
now, so any experience and wisdom I do have is incredibly limited. So when I
write a piece of nonfiction about romance, I’m doing so from the point of view
of a maladaptive daydreamer and a serial crusher. I’ve got a gazillion crushes
going on in my head right now, mostly You Tubers and internet friends. Who are
these crushes? Well, on that front, I’ll have to zip it, lock it, and put it in
my pocket. Wouldn’t want to weird anybody out and make these lovely ladies keep
their distance from me forever, Corona Virus aside. That’s always been a fear
of mine whenever I open up and talk about romance or sex: that people will
think I’m being creepy. I’m going to word this blog entry as carefully as
possible, which is something I should have done with my entry about bastardizing
fan fiction characters, but didn’t, and now it’s scrubbed from the internet.
Ready? Here we go.
Serial crushing can be lots of fun as long as you’re doing
it for entertainment purposes only. You can daydream about holding hands
together. You can fantasize about your crush giving you a hug after a
particularly draining cry spell. Me? I like to pretend I’m resting my head on
my crush’s lap while she strokes my hair. By then I will have already showered
and my hair will be softer than a Humane Society kitty baby. These kinds of
fantasies can bring a smile to your face…until you start to bemoan the idea of
never being able to attain a relationship with said crushes. I’ve done this
before as you can tell. And the more you bemoan this idea, the more depressed you
become. This is what I like to call the “Chains of Codependence”. Imagine that:
being codependent on somebody who not only barely knows you, but also wouldn’t
want a relationship anyways. Usually when people are codependent, it’s with
someone who’s physically there. But if it’s a long distance stranger…my god,
does that shit hurt.
But if you talk yourself through this logically, it doesn’t
have to hurt anymore. You’re crushing on someone whom you have limited
knowledge of, whether it’s a You Tuber, a celebrity, an athlete, or whatever.
You only see the best version of that person unless they voluntarily become
vulnerable, which is rare in and of itself. And because you’ve only seen their
best side, you don’t often see them at their darkest. They may have views that
you strongly disagree with. They may be drama queens when the cameras aren’t
rolling. They could have a criminal secret that you won’t be aware of until
it’s too late. This is information you can obtain if you’re in a solid
relationship with someone. What you do with that information could negate your
schoolboy crush from so long ago. You see memes floating around social media
that say, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my
best.” While this might set off a few red flags, there’s actually a lot of
truth in it should you decide to commit to a relationship.
As long as you’re aware of the illusion in front of you and
as long as your chains of codependence are broken, you can have a lot of fun
serial crushing on long distance targets. Fill your mind with happy thoughts of
you and your crush together. Play your favorite romantic song while you’re
zoning out. Write a poem or short story about the experience (without using the
person’s real name, of course). I wrote a poem not too long ago called Hand
Massage and it’s about, you guessed it, smearing lotion over my crush’s hands
as a way not only to heal her cracked skin, but also to relax her and earn her
trust. Hand Massage ended up being a favorite poem of mine in recent memory, in
a sea of marginally acceptable ones. I was open, honest, unafraid, and most
importantly, I didn’t sound like a total creep. That’s a small victory in my
book. Even the smallest victories will be vital in the never ending war against
your own mind.
In March alone, I’ve had so many days of autistic and
schizophrenic burnout that my writing output has been minimal at best. During
these boring days of lying in bed and doing jack shit until the tiredness
passes, I like to keep my imagination fresh by daydreaming of…whatever comes to
mind. I’ve had thoughts about my own stories, I’ve had positive thoughts, evil
ones, and yes, romantic ones. With the current Corona Virus spreading like
wildfire all over the goddamn planet, my fantasies will be more important now
than they’ve ever been. Movie theaters are closed, rock concerts are being
canceled, public life in general has screeched to a grinding halt. As long as
I’m staying home waiting for both the virus and my burnout to subside, I’m
going to have my thoughts to keep me busy for the time being. Whoever said,
“Thinking is the best way to travel” was probably living in my hometown of Port
Orchard and had nothing to do whether the virus was spreading or not.
By all means, daydream until you’re ready to face this
maddening world yet again. You can get attached to your crushes, but don’t get
so attached that your happiness depends entirely on them. Have fun with your
downtime. The world will come back to life soon enough. I’m Garrison Kelly!
Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***
The last time I wrote a chapter of Beautiful Monster was
either March 1st or 2nd and I spent so long getting it
pumped out that I began to doubt my abilities as a writer. I began to question
whether or not I was being too cautious in my approach. Even now I’m debating
with myself about whether the next chapter, number ten, will be written with
caution and slowness or reckless abandon and quickness. No matter which style I
choose, I hope I can remember all of my talking points this time. I’m going to
need them. In this chapter, Windham and Tarja
venture into Devon
Bay, one of the Atwood
Queendom’s major cities, so that they can keep warm in a hotel room during the
freezing weather. If you’re going to make “Get a room!” jokes, get them out of
your system, because there will be nothing sexy about what Windham does in this
chapter with a Smoke Wagon XT, the medieval equivalent of a handgun. Good thing
Ordell Robbie from Jackie Brown isn’t giving him access to firearms. Otherwise,
he just might have to “absolutely, positively kill every last motherfucker in
the room”.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Walking home with you last night, you said the world is
beautiful and how things look that way when you’re in love. I love this world.
When I’m in your arms, is this heaven? I opened up the letter that the postman
gave to me this morning. Had to stop myself from shouting out, “I love this
world!” When you’re in my arms, is this heaven? I know that heaven waits for
those whose love is true. I want to be there when the age of love has come
again. Tell me all about yourself and how you came to me like in a dream. And
every night I dream of you. I dream of you. When I’m in your arms, is this
heaven? I know that heaven waits for those whose love is true. Don’t ask me
where or when the time for us will come again. I sit and watch the sun go down.
And in the darkness there’s no sound while in the sky tonight the stars all
cry, “I love you!” Are they crying out over you? ‘Cause you’re in my arms. Is
this heaven? ‘Cause the story starts and ends with you.”
-The Moody Blues singing “Is This Heaven?”-
***POST-SCRIPT***
You could totally use the above song as fodder for one of
your romantic daydreams with your gazillion crushes. I know I do.
