Charging For Autographs

If you’re lucky enough to have met a celebrity, you’ve probably had this conversation before:

“Hey there, Mr. Fancy Pants Celebrity! Can I have an autograph?”

“Sure thing, little buddy! Fifty dollars!”

“What?!”

Can you believe that? Fifty dollars for a little bit of ink. With authors, it sounds ironic at first. The average book costs anywhere from 10 to 20 dollars on Amazon (if it’s brand spanking new). These books can be anywhere from 100 to 400 pages long, which means god knows how many words. For 40 to 50 dollars more, you could have a pen signature on a piece of paper that you could read in one second flat with a grade schooler’s effort. Something doesn’t seem right here. Why pay a high price just for a little blot of ink? How exactly does a celebrity’s hand turn that little splotch of ink into gold or silver? There are easier ways to get a celebrity’s signature onto a piece of paper. You could just Google the person’s name and then print a copy of said autograph. So that probably means you would be rich by virtue of having all of these autographs that are “authentic”. But what if these signatures are forged? Then get a real one from the celebrity when he signs a restraining order against you. You can thank the Big Bang Theory for that last tip. Is all of this rambling going to lead somewhere, you ask? I know it normally doesn’t whenever somebody rambles, but trust me, I have a point to make. If it’s a celebrity who’s already making tons of money with movies, book deals, TV appearances, and whatnot, then why exactly does he need to charge $50 for a splotch of ink? If the proceeds were going to charity, then I could understand. But even so, I refuse to pay that much money for a little pen splatter despite the fact that the money might be used to help a cause I care about such as the ASPCA or schizophrenic research. If I’m going to pay $50, I want to get something in return such as cookies or T-shirts that are actually my size, which I probably won’t find if I buy too many cookies. I’m happy with donating a small amount of money, but not to a celebrity’s personal bank account (even if I idolize the celebrity like a tribal god). Maybe if the celebrity was down on his luck, I might be more sympathetic. But until then, I see no reason for the rich to continue getting richer while poor people like me continue to get poorer. Sue me. Actually, don’t do that, because the rich actually will get richer while the poor actually get poorer.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Life is like a penis, most people don’t know it: most people suck, so they usually blow it.”

-The Bloodhound Gang singing “Take the Long Way Home”-

"The Illustrated Man" by Ray Bradbury

Having a tattoo doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a 1% badass who rides around on a Harley 24/7. But when your body ink begins to tell stories of the future and the past as they move across your skin, don’t be surprised when the guy hearing these stories has wide eyes and an even wider mouth. And quick feet, let‘s not forget that either. “The Illustrated Man” by Ray Bradbury documents the story of a tattoo-covered man who fits this bill. In fact, his body ink inspired an entire anthology of stories in a little over 200 pages. What kind of stories do we get from this man’s skin art? How about the one that’s as notorious as they come. You know, the one that almost all high school students have to read at some point. The tale of two spoiled brat children who spend their lives in a crystallized room that lets them experience television firsthand instead of vicariously. Or how about the one where a bunch of space jockeys are trapped on Venus and are driven mad by the harsh rain pounding on their softening skulls. Or maybe you prefer the one where a bunch of neighborhood kids are playing out in the streets an enacting an alien invasion scene, which is dead close to reality, by the way. No matter which story you decide is your favorite, you can be guaranteed that every single time, you will be educated beyond your wildest imagination. Ray Bradbury educates you by punishing his characters for their negative traits such as racial ignorance, selfishness, zeal, hatred, and a litany of other things that should be frowned upon by anybody with a shred of positivity within them. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that Bradbury went on to have an illustrious career as an author that spanned many decades. And because it spanned many decades, the wise author left this life recently due to old age. Despite how many miles he had on him, I still believe he left us too soon. Rest in peace, Ray Bradbury. “The Illustrated Man” and the lessons it teaches will never be forgotten except by those who possess the ignorance necessary to be punished for it. Sometimes I think Mr. Bradbury would have had a stroke anyways if he saw the way us humans behaved.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“New rule: if churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch on fire. Sorry Reverend, that’s one of those services that comes with paying in. I’ll use the fire department that I pay for, you can pray for rain.”

-Bill Maher-