Things That Empower Me

***THINGS THAT EMPOWER ME***

I had a look at my most recent blog entry about things that scare me. Goddamn, did I sound like a sad sap. It could have been that the month of June was a weird one for me and I was still grieving. But July is finally here and it’s time to start over again. No going back this time around! Instead of talking about things that scare the shit out of me, I’m going to talk about things that empower me, thus turning a negative thought into a positive one. Positive thinking has been at the forefront of my happiness since December 2014, when I vacationed at Lego Land in San Diego and when I had the best goddamn Christmas I could ask for. I lost sight of that positivity somewhere in early 2018, but I’m working on bringing that shit back and it begins with this blog entry. Let’s start the list off with…

***SELF-TALK***

Dr. Phil can be full of more shit than a cow pasture sometimes, but the one thing he got right on the nose was that the words we tell ourselves are very powerful, for better or worse. When you tell yourself you’re too fat, too ugly, or not good enough, you believe those things like they’re the word of god. But what if you start sending yourself positive messages instead of negative ones? Let’s say I, for instance, repeat the mental phrase, “If you step outside your comfort zone, good things will happen.” Or what if I just imagine a good-looking version of myself with a skinny body and a sexy haircut like the one I had in my senior year of high school? Or what if I tell myself that I can afford anything I want to buy? What if I tell myself that the world loves me? You say these things often enough, you believe them and you become a happier person because of it. You know what? I’m going to have these thoughts more often, especially the one where I look like a sexy stud with a sweet ass haircut….not an ass haircut, that’s different. Hehe!

***MUSIC***

Some people call it “just noise”, but to me it’s more intoxicating and enchanting than the world’s most powerful drug. I remember being a little kid and listening to my dad’s CD’s from The Police, Pink Floyd, The Moody Blues, and Toto. I loved my Pink Floyd CD’s so much that I spent the entire late 90’s listening to the shit out of them. Then the 2000’s came along and I started listening to alternative metal like Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Korn, and Papa Roach. My musical library expanded tenfold since then and I wouldn’t trade any of those bands for the world. My current favorite bands include Soulfly, Nightwish, Five Finger Death Punch, Pantera, and Halestorm among others. I love music so much that I refer to concerts as “one-day vacations” and “pilgrimages” rather than “just shows”. I went to a Roger Waters concert in 2000 and my dad referred to at as “taking us to heaven to see god”. There will be many more concerts in the future, which means more opportunities to get high on my drug of choice…which if you haven’t figured it out already is music.

***HAVING AN AUDIENCE***

I know I said in my “Things That Scare Me” blog that being in front of large amounts of people makes me want to swallow Xanax. But make no mistake about it: the fact that there are people out there who are willing to listen to me is a blessing. Whether you’re complimenting my writing or critiquing it (hopefully not trolling), I’m grateful to have you as a member of my audience. I know writing is supposed to be a business, but you can’t put a price tag on having someone’s attention and never letting go. Whether writing becomes my main source of income or not is irrelevant, because some things in life are more important than money, like love, friendship, good advice, creative fuel, and the power of a good story or poem. To everybody who has supported me throughout my career, thank you so very much. To everybody that doubts me, your creative fuel is every bit as welcome. There’s another thing to be positive about: creative fuel can literally come from anywhere, whether it’s a news story, a personal experience, or the pencil sharpener sitting on my desk, which I once used in a toy photograph of Razor Ramon doing elevated pushups.

***SPENDING MONEY ON OTHER PEOPLE***

This goes hand-in-hand with my self-talk about being able to afford anything I want. When you believe you’re good with money, you can probably afford to shell out some of it on other people. That’s why I buy birthday and Christmas gifts months in advance for the ones I love: because I can and love them…that, and buying gifts ahead of schedule is a good way to avoid the stress of things like Black Friday. I also donate some of my money to various charities whether it’s the ASPCA, Extra Life, or St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Spending money on other people, whether in a big or small way, will actually make you happy in the long-term, because you’re strengthening your relationship with that person. You don’t have to clean out your life savings just to make one person happy, but having that kind of confidence with your money and that kind of love for the one you’re spending it on, that says a lot about your mindset.

***CREATIVITY***

To paraphrase Cenk Uygur from The Young Turks, OF COURSE this was going to be a list item! Writing stories and poems gives me a sense of purpose in an economy where English majors and Millennials are frowned upon. I don’t write for the money or the fame. I do it because I fucking love it. I do it because it’s hard work that I can be proud of. I do it because having a legacy is important to me. Do I have lazy days occasionally? All the time. But lazy days are temporary while legacies are forever. I realize that not everybody will like what I have to write, but that’s the nature of subjectivity. There are people who love the shit out of Fifty Shades of Grey and despise Winnie the Pooh. Yes! People actually hate Winnie the Pooh! But if I denied my audience the right to hate my works, I’d come off as a dictator rather than a role model for individuality. Life doesn’t end because of a bad review, or even ten of them. Your career isn’t over until you say it is.

***CONCLUSION***

Goddamn, I’m taking a long time to write this blog entry. Then again, it’s nearly one o’clock in the morning and I spent most of my day in a mental fog. If you can’t concentrate, you can’t write…at least not very well. Here’s hoping my messages of empowerment are well-received by you, my lovely audience. If not, well, at least I tried. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

(In the summer of 2017…)

JAMES: Hey Garrison, what was in the Amazon package you got in the mail today?

GARRISON: Duct tape and a CD.

JAMES: Those two things do not go together! What are you going to do, bind and gag one of your Face Book women and torture her with your music?

GARRISON: That’s not what the duct tape is for!

JAMES: Uh-huh. Sure! The only thing more disturbing than that was that it came in a long and narrow package. I thought it was another one of your corporate pop metal posters.

GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!

Rescuing Animals

***RESCUING ANIMALS***

As a creative writer, artist, and photographer, I see artistic merit in a lot of things. Rescuing animals and giving them loving homes isn’t just the right thing to do, but it’s one of those things I see creative input in. In this case, your canvas is a homeless animal with a rough past who needs someone to love. Love is your paintbrush and everything else is color. The name that you give the animal, the way you play with it, the times you snuggle together, these are all ways in which you add to your beautiful picture. We like seeing animals rolling on their backs, playing happily, and purring like motors, thus we have a picture we love.

That’s why I decided to start donating money to the ASPCA once again. The work they do for homeless and abused animals is phenomenal. Same thing goes for places like The Humane Society and Animal Rescue Friends. With their critter canvases, they’re expressing love and friendship to the world around them. Give a big round of applause for these awesome people.

Back in December, Mom and I kept accessing the Kitsap Humane Society’s website to check on the adoption status of a Pitbull-Terrier mix named Dad. We visited the shelter earlier and saw that he needed a home. He had been living at the shelter for months after being surrendered by a homeless woman who couldn’t afford to take care of him anymore. Every day the volunteers at the KHS took Dad for walks, rides, and cups of Puppicciono (whipped cream from Starbucks for the puppies to lick).

They did everything they could to keep him happy, but he needed a home for the holidays. Mom and I would have loved to take him, but his profile said that he didn’t get along with small children or other animals. He had to be the only one. With such strict standards, Dad was naturally hard to adopt. And then a few days after Christmas, Dad was adopted by an ex-soldier who probably needed a dog to ease the symptoms of his PTSD. The soldier even posted pictures of Dad playing around in his new yard and generally being a big ol’ happy pup.

Even if you can’t afford to adopt an animal, there are still ways in which you can make these beautiful creatures happy until the day they do find a home. Donating money is the most common way, but you can also donate things like blankets, stuffed animals, leashes, and doggy beds. You think a big ol’ puppy-duppy would love rolling around in a fuzzy blanket while cuddling with a brown teddy bear? You bet he would!

In addition to donating money every month to the ASPCA, I also plan on donating my stuffed animal collection to the Kitsap Humane Society. Don’t get me wrong, I love cute toys, but cuddling with a stuffed Michigan Frog doesn’t compare to snuggling with the real thing, by that I mean my elderly brown kitty Smokey. Before the stuffed toys get donated, though, they have to be vacuumed off because of all the dust they’ve accumulated. We can’t have puppy-duppies chewing on dust.

Remember that gum commercial that says, “Give extra, get extra”? It applies to a lot of aspects in life, including giving extra love to an animal in need. When you give a dog or a cat a loving home (even if it’s not your own), the joy you receive is worth so much more than any paycheck. For all of you fellow “Secret” readers out there, you’ll attract positive things to your direction and life will be happy for as long as you keep that love in your heart. Whether or not you want to use the universe analogy, it is true that being a positive and loving person will yield those same results to you.

I’d like to close this off with a thank you to all of the organizations and pet owners out there who make animals’ lives a living heaven. By giving them love, you are artists in your own way by painting their canvases with happy colors. I know I sound like Bob Ross when I say that, but it’s no less true. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to give some pettings to my Smokey-Pokey, who’s resting comfortably on my pillow. Adios, amigos! Thanks for reading!

***DEMON AXE, CHAPTER 12***

With the story past the halfway mark, Daniel and his friends find themselves sitting in a holding cell wondering what the hell went wrong. Inciting terrorism? Shouldn’t the cops try to track down Roger Zee, the real terrorist asshole? But surely you guys didn’t forget about what happened to Shawn Henry that fateful night in the police station. Roger’s locus of control goes much deeper than one family man detective. He’s got the entire system by the balls and he’s going to flex that muscle with Daniel and his friends.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Speaking of Demon Axe, the next character on the DFW chopping block is King Arthur Triscloud, ruler of the elven race. Human takeover or not, all he wants is a peaceful society, but he can’t have that as long as Roger Zee is running roughshod over both the elven and human worlds. For the actual picture, I was thinking something along the lines of a modified Gandalf with a crown.

***MOVIE REVIEWS***

It’s been a while since I’ve done a movie review, so how about we do two of them, both Disney classics? In this case, we’ve got “Ben and Me” and “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh”, both of which feature the unmistakable voice of Sterling Holloway as Amos Mouse and Pooh Bear respectively. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give them passing or extra credit grades. They were after all a huge part of my childhood. Huge!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

Wednesday is always the day that starts off the new contests. In this case, we’ve got one with a “Thriller” prompt. Whoever came up with that one was probably listening to Michael Jackson’s music at the time. That’s perfect, because I’ve got the ideal story for that prompt. It’s called “Staple Gun Gangster” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Marco Said, Staple Gun Gangster
2. Kip Kyle, The Boogeyman

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Marco makes a joke about how The Boogeyman looks like he came from Michael Jackson’s music video for “Thriller”, which makes Kip’s penchant for children even creepier.

SYNOPSIS: Marco earned a scary reputation on the streets by using a staple gun as his weapon of torture for those who are late on their loan shark payments. A serial killer masquerading as a swamp monster named Kip Kyle a.k.a. the Boogeyman approaches Marco because he wants money for underage prostitutes. Marco decides that this “swamp creature” is too sick even for his tastes and shoots a few staples into him. When the staples arouse Kip instead of hurt him, Marco anxiously questions whether the Boogeyman moniker is just a gimmick or if he really is a horror movie monster.

FUN FACT: Marco Said is loosely based on former ECW wrestler New Jack, a psychotic gangster who used a staple gun to win hardcore wrestling matches.

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Tell me now, who taught you how to hate? ‘Cause it isn’t in your blood. Not a part of what you’re made. So let this be understood: somebody taught you how to hate. When you live this way, you become dead to everyone.”

-Disturbed singing “Who Taught You How to Hate?”-

Charging For Autographs

If you’re lucky enough to have met a celebrity, you’ve probably had this conversation before:

“Hey there, Mr. Fancy Pants Celebrity! Can I have an autograph?”

“Sure thing, little buddy! Fifty dollars!”

“What?!”

Can you believe that? Fifty dollars for a little bit of ink. With authors, it sounds ironic at first. The average book costs anywhere from 10 to 20 dollars on Amazon (if it’s brand spanking new). These books can be anywhere from 100 to 400 pages long, which means god knows how many words. For 40 to 50 dollars more, you could have a pen signature on a piece of paper that you could read in one second flat with a grade schooler’s effort. Something doesn’t seem right here. Why pay a high price just for a little blot of ink? How exactly does a celebrity’s hand turn that little splotch of ink into gold or silver? There are easier ways to get a celebrity’s signature onto a piece of paper. You could just Google the person’s name and then print a copy of said autograph. So that probably means you would be rich by virtue of having all of these autographs that are “authentic”. But what if these signatures are forged? Then get a real one from the celebrity when he signs a restraining order against you. You can thank the Big Bang Theory for that last tip. Is all of this rambling going to lead somewhere, you ask? I know it normally doesn’t whenever somebody rambles, but trust me, I have a point to make. If it’s a celebrity who’s already making tons of money with movies, book deals, TV appearances, and whatnot, then why exactly does he need to charge $50 for a splotch of ink? If the proceeds were going to charity, then I could understand. But even so, I refuse to pay that much money for a little pen splatter despite the fact that the money might be used to help a cause I care about such as the ASPCA or schizophrenic research. If I’m going to pay $50, I want to get something in return such as cookies or T-shirts that are actually my size, which I probably won’t find if I buy too many cookies. I’m happy with donating a small amount of money, but not to a celebrity’s personal bank account (even if I idolize the celebrity like a tribal god). Maybe if the celebrity was down on his luck, I might be more sympathetic. But until then, I see no reason for the rich to continue getting richer while poor people like me continue to get poorer. Sue me. Actually, don’t do that, because the rich actually will get richer while the poor actually get poorer.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Life is like a penis, most people don’t know it: most people suck, so they usually blow it.”

-The Bloodhound Gang singing “Take the Long Way Home”-

"Superman For the Animals" by Mark Millar

If the thought of cute, cuddly, fuzzy animal babies being brutalized disgusts you, then “Superman For the Animals” will either be one of two things for you. It will either be a call to arms against animal cruelty or a series of brutal images to shy away from and save for another reader. Either way, this comic book will disturb you. You probably don’t even have to be an animal person to be disturbed by the disgusting shit that happens to these defenseless critters. The main character, a shy teenager, hangs out with a bunch of kids led by a sociopath who tortures animals just for fun. This leader of the pack shoots a dog in the leg, kicks pigeons out of the way, suffocates a goldfish, and would have dumped a cat off of a highway bridge if it hadn’t been for Superman’s intervention. Despite being the title character in this story, Superman is not the main hero as one would expect him to be. It’s the shy kid who joins the group that ends up being the most productive hero. He eventually has to learn to stand up for these animals and not rely on superheroes to do it for him. Standing up to your enemies is hard enough. Standing up to people you consider your friends is even worse. If it can be done, though, the person will be stronger for it. One way or another, the animal torturing teenager needs to be stopped. Surely, you would like to see some justice done toward this sociopathic kid, right? Don’t get your hopes up to high. The worst that happens to him is that he’s forced to see a therapist to sort out his fucked up mind. As an animal lover, I believe this is not enough. That kid needs to be locked up in prison for the rest of his fucking life. If he’s willing to do this to cute, cuddly critters, imagine what he’ll do to humans if given the opportunity. That’s normally the first step for serial killers: they start off with animals and slowly progress to killing humans. If you’re not going to read this comic for the harsh justice that needs to be served, you can at least read it to see the main character grow into a respectable human being. In order to redeem himself for hanging out with an animal torturer for this long, he goes to a pet shelter and volunteers his time there. Superman wasn’t going to make this choice for him, but he did steer him in the right direction. Sometimes all we need is a little push.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I loved you in the sunshine. You chase the moon with a spear. Tardy afternoons in utopia. Kiss an ugly turtle and make it cry. Sever the head of cornucopia. We rape the earth and don’t know why it strikes. Do you believe in stormy weather? Hurricanes play musical chairs with homes and chattels. The whirling dervish tornados reek all disaster. See-saw tsunamis, give and take, what’s the matter?”

-Serj Tankian singing “Cornucopia”-