My Heroes Are Assholes

 VERSE 1

My heroes sip champagne from a sunken tub

Their sins can’t be scrubbed with bubbly-bubs

Put dark lords in boxes, I’ll give you my balls

Shoot a few foxes, you gave me The Wall

Slag off on the trans, you gave me an edge

Grab a chick’s cans, you pulled me off the ledge

Get away with murder, you gave me new life

Shame those who eat burgers, you parasocial wife

CHORUS

My heroes are assholes

It’s not worth the hassle

To get me an autograph

My heroes are bitches

They get left in stitches

Look in the mirror and laugh

I miss the days of naivety

I miss the days of naivety

VERSE 2

My heroes are older, now they’ve grown colder

Their hatred of young people only gets bolder

No consequences when they kick down defenses

Only Law & Order for those with poverty expenses

To all the foot soldiers, it’s called Cancel Culture

A dog whistle for the machinegun holders

There will be no justice, social or otherwise

Just another day of twisting the butterfly knife

CHORUS

My heroes are assholes

It’s not worth the hassle

To get me an autograph

My heroes are bitches

They get left in stitches

Look in the mirror and laugh

I miss the days of naivety

I miss the days of naivety

BRIDGE

There’s only one hero I can truly rely on

Me, myself, and I, it’s the hill I’ll die on

Others paved the way when I was a boy

I walk that road as a man without joy

FINAL LINES

I miss the days of naivety

I miss the days of naivety

Circus Seal

VERSE 1

Whether I’m eating dinner with my family

Or on the brink of schizophrenic insanity

Or taking a shit in a public bathroom stall

Or watching a movie that makes me bawl

You must have my attention here and now

It doesn’t matter when, doesn’t matter how

An autograph or a private performance

Neither, pal, now go fuck off into orbit

CHORUS

I’m not your circus seal

You don’t care how I feel

Private time is not yours to steal

I’m not your circus seal

VERSE 2

It’s not that I hate my own loyal fan base

It’s just that this is neither the time nor place

I need my moments of peace and quiet

If I turn you away, don’t start a city-wide riot

Don’t post my dirty laundry on the internet

My private and public lives do not intersect

Nothing personal, I just want to unwind

In a place where nobody will ever find

CHORUS

I’m not your circus seal

You don’t care how I feel

Private time is not yours to steal

I’m not your circus seal

VERSE 3

You buy my products, but you’re not my boss

If you despise me, it’s your own damn loss

You don’t own me like a hand puppet master

Threatening me will only make me walk faster

EXTENDED CHORUS

I’m not your circus seal

You don’t care how I feel

Private time is not yours to steal

I’m not your circus seal

I’m not your favorite bitch

You don’t make me rich

I don’t owe you shit

I’m not your favorite bitch

Charging For Autographs

If you’re lucky enough to have met a celebrity, you’ve probably had this conversation before:

“Hey there, Mr. Fancy Pants Celebrity! Can I have an autograph?”

“Sure thing, little buddy! Fifty dollars!”

“What?!”

Can you believe that? Fifty dollars for a little bit of ink. With authors, it sounds ironic at first. The average book costs anywhere from 10 to 20 dollars on Amazon (if it’s brand spanking new). These books can be anywhere from 100 to 400 pages long, which means god knows how many words. For 40 to 50 dollars more, you could have a pen signature on a piece of paper that you could read in one second flat with a grade schooler’s effort. Something doesn’t seem right here. Why pay a high price just for a little blot of ink? How exactly does a celebrity’s hand turn that little splotch of ink into gold or silver? There are easier ways to get a celebrity’s signature onto a piece of paper. You could just Google the person’s name and then print a copy of said autograph. So that probably means you would be rich by virtue of having all of these autographs that are “authentic”. But what if these signatures are forged? Then get a real one from the celebrity when he signs a restraining order against you. You can thank the Big Bang Theory for that last tip. Is all of this rambling going to lead somewhere, you ask? I know it normally doesn’t whenever somebody rambles, but trust me, I have a point to make. If it’s a celebrity who’s already making tons of money with movies, book deals, TV appearances, and whatnot, then why exactly does he need to charge $50 for a splotch of ink? If the proceeds were going to charity, then I could understand. But even so, I refuse to pay that much money for a little pen splatter despite the fact that the money might be used to help a cause I care about such as the ASPCA or schizophrenic research. If I’m going to pay $50, I want to get something in return such as cookies or T-shirts that are actually my size, which I probably won’t find if I buy too many cookies. I’m happy with donating a small amount of money, but not to a celebrity’s personal bank account (even if I idolize the celebrity like a tribal god). Maybe if the celebrity was down on his luck, I might be more sympathetic. But until then, I see no reason for the rich to continue getting richer while poor people like me continue to get poorer. Sue me. Actually, don’t do that, because the rich actually will get richer while the poor actually get poorer.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Life is like a penis, most people don’t know it: most people suck, so they usually blow it.”

-The Bloodhound Gang singing “Take the Long Way Home”-