***IT’S OKAY TO BE SINGLE***
Valentine’s Day is on the horizon, a horizon covered by
about ten inches of falling snow, by the way. For those who are single,
Valentine’s Day is the hardest holiday to get through because it seems as
though your non-existent relationship status is being rubbed in your face. I
know this, because I too am single and I hated this holiday for the longest
time. I wish someone had told me back in those romantically lonely days
that…it’s okay to be single. I know it’s hard for some people to believe that
the world won’t judge you if you are, but if it’s a comfort to you at all, I’m
the very last person in this world who will judge you for being single. I won’t
even judge you for being a virgin. Involuntarily celibate is an entirely different
story, but still, you get my drift.
When you learn to let go of this idea that romance is a
necessity, you’ll feel as though the weight of the world is finally off of your
shoulders. That doesn’t mean you can’t get into a relationship somewhere down
the line, but if you obsess over it all the time, then it’ll hurt you
emotionally. A lot of the pain from my university days stemmed from being
single and wanting someone I could never have. I crushed on Tarja Turunen, the
ex-lead singer from Nightwish, and it hurt me constantly that I couldn’t have
her. Even when I crushed on women within my location and economic means, I was
too shy to approach them because I didn’t want them to be offended by my
presence. I carried this pain for a long time, long after I graduated from
college.
The idea of letting go of my obsession was insane to me,
which I now realize is an ironic thing for a schizophrenic like me to say, but
oh well. Why was I so obsessed? Was it a combination of teenaged hormones and
having my first slow dance at 15? Was it a long-distance relationship I had in
2002 and 2003 where I desperately wanted to close that gap? Was it my first
kiss in 2014? Was it being seduced by random women at rock concerts in 2016 and
2018? Those brain chemicals are addictive as hell, I agree. Any addiction makes
letting go a difficult thing.
But when I finally let go earlier this year, I asked myself
a series of questions that had “duh” answers all along. Would being in a
relationship truly make me happy? Would having sex for the first time be as
magical as books and movies make it out to be? What exactly are the
consequences supposed to be for staying single? When the time finally comes to
be in a relationship, will I be prepared or will anxiety take over my senses? Truth
is, not everyone who’s in a relationship is happy, as evidenced by divorce
rates, abusive situations, and constant fighting even when things are going
great. First time sex ends too quickly, or so I’ve heard. There are no
consequences for being single. I’ve done nothing to prepare myself for a
relationship, so my anxiety and nervousness around women won’t dissipate.
None of this means that I don’t believe in romance. It
doesn’t mean that if a woman asked me on a date, I would automatically reject
her. It simply means that I won’t form unhealthy crushes or obsess over
something unattainable. My emotional health means everything to me. It’s the
reason why I’m able to sustain a writing career and an overall peaceful life.
If I’m constantly in a state of unhappiness, then I don’t care how many poems
and stories I write, because I can never satiate those obsessive desires. I
wrote three first draft novels this year, all of them centering on my obsession
with romance. While I’m grateful for the creative exercises, I can get the same
result and probably more work done if I’m happy about life instead of
miserable.
It’s particularly bad when you’re in love with a celebrity,
especially one that’s been around since your teenaged years. You spend all of
this time pining over and dreaming of them. Even when you realize it could
never be, you obsess more and more until it ruins your state of mind. You carry
this unhappiness with you into adulthood and by that time your celebrity crush
is much older than you are. Everybody ages, everybody moves on, and you must do
so too.
If you’re single this Valentine’s Day and you don’t know
what to do, just treat it like any other day of the week. Do some creative
work. Get some reading done. Draw a picture. Order a pizza. Watch a movie. Do
something other than give into your unrealistic obsessions. You’re responsible
for your own happiness. Treat yourself kindly. Don’t beat yourself up. Take
good care of your mind. You only get one in this lifetime, so be good to it and
don’t drive yourself insane. If you must get into a relationship, keep it
healthy and happy and don’t be codependent. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you
feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***
Rewriting this story has been a slow process with many gap
days in between the work days. You can thank my constant sleepiness for that.
But fear not, because before 2019 is over, I will have this novel finished and
published. The next chapter to be written will be number twelve, where Windham and Tarja deliver
the blueprints to Shelly’s castle to their boss, Orpheus Rinehart. Will the
boss man be grateful or will he reward his employees with a year-long
membership in the Jelly of the Month Club? It’s the gift that keeps on giving
the whole year. You get a cookie if you know what movie that’s from.
***PHILOSOPHICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“You will find that if you get with reality, all thoughts of
delusions disappear. But you must remember that the secret to all of this is
not to be afraid of fear. When you can really allow yourself to be afraid, and
you don't resist the experience of fear, you are truly beginning to master
fear. But when you refuse to be afraid, you are resisting fear, and that simply
sets up a vicious circle of being afraid of fear of being afraid of being
afraid of fear. If then you try to obliterate fear, you're working in the wrong
way. To attack at fear is to strengthen it. As if you were God, that is to say,
you don't trust anybody and you're the dictator and you have to keep everybody
in line, you lose the divine then. 'Cause what you're doing is simply defending
yourself. So then the principle is the more you give it away, the more it comes
back. The meaning of the fact we see that everything is dissolving constantly,
we're all falling apart. We're all in a process of constant death. Then you
truly understand that you don't have to let go because there's nothing to hold
on to.”
-Alan Watts-
