Windham Xavier

=========================================

THE BASICS

=========================================

Name: Windham Alfred Xavier

Nicknames: Windy, X-Man, WAX

Gender: Cisgender Male

Age: 30

Birth Date: 470 PM

Birth Place: Xavier Village

Currently Living In: Xavier Village

Species: Elf

Ethnicity / Race: Elf

Citizenship: Honey Valley

Religion / Beliefs: Magetan Leftist

=========================================

FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Edward Xavier

Age: Dead

Relationship: Strained

Mother: Yvonne Xavier

Age: Dead

Relationship: Healthy

Sister: Llewellyn Xavier

Age: 35

Relationship: Caring

Pet(s): Zeal (nightjar)

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 6’3”

Weight: 185 lbs.

Frame / Build: Lanky

Hair length: Long

Hair color: Blond

Eye shape: Normal

Eye color: Purple

Complexion: Light Green

Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Narrow

Voice type: Gentle

Foot size: 12

Tattoo(s): None

Scar(s): Lashes on his back

Other notable accessories: None

Any other identifying mark(s): Pointy ears

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Left-wing

Economic Class: Moneyless society

Social Class: Royalty

Occupation: Prince, Warrior, Artist

Income: Moneyless society

Residence: Xavier Village

Transportation: Feet

=========================================

INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Vegetarian Burrito

Favorite Sport(s): Jogging

Favorite Book(s): Magetan bible

Favorite Show(s): TV doesn’t exist yet

Favorite Music: Gentle harps and violins

Favorite Color(s): Blue

Clothing Style / Preferences: Religious robes, gray body suits

Hobbies: Writing, reading, painting, and sculpting

Role Model(s): His sister, Mageta, his mother

Likes: Peace and quiet

Dislikes: Being overworked

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Kindness towards animals, loyal friend, cares about the downtrodden

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Distrust of strangers (after the rape), traumatic mind, burned out

Strengths: Fighting abilities with a whip, pick-pocketing, endurance

Weaknesses: Doesn’t handle trauma well, anger management issues, daddy issues

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Twirls hair and cracks joints

Phobia / Fears: His own mind, losing his individuality

Loves: Animals, creativity, friendship

Hates: Betrayal, racism, being overpowered

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

Artist (ISFP) – Creative, quiet, serious, loyal and sensitive. Do not like conflict. Takes great value in personal freedom. Private and prone to confusion. Gifted at creating and composing. Good appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Very original and creative especially in the arts. Can be trendsetters and into latest styles and art / fashion / etc.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically (outward interaction with his environment, personal strengths): Imposing warrior

b. Psychologically (intellect, mental stability, morality): Intelligent, easily angered, good intentions, easily traumatized

c. Spiritually (his faith, convictions): Zealot of the lion god Mageta

d. Emotionally (willpower, under stressful situations, expressiveness): Can’t handle excessive trauma, gets distracted by things that anger him, only cries when he knows he’s alone)

e. Socially (how others view him, how he interacts with people): He is hated by Shadow Asylum (despite being employed there), he is “loved” by the Atwood Queendom, and he’s genuinely loved by the Xavier Village.

Others things to know:

=========================================

HISTORY

=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. During his single digit ages, Windham was shielded from the harshness of the human world by his overprotective mother and sister. By age 10, his father expected him to take the role of leader and pushed him too hard into that lifestyle. The brutal combat training, the long classes at the STEM school, and the lack of time to unwind and create art has left Windham with a disdain for his father. In the end, he just wants to get away from it all and he believes following the events of the story will bring him closer to his goal.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Windham enjoyed whale watching as a kid and incorporated his love for animals in his art

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Not only did he receive tough treatment from his own father, but also the art galleries and teachers that constantly talked down to him. This made him hate his job even more.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point?

He’s on a mission for Shadow Asylum to draw blueprints for Shelly Atwood’s castle. In reality, he wants to know what happened to the missing grangers in his village. He hates his job, but he feels compelled to do it because of his father’s toughness and the seriousness of his side quest.

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story?

After the trauma of his rape, he just wants peace and quiet, to get as far away from Shelly, Orpheus, and his own throne as possible. He’s too burned out to carry on.

=========================================

STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)

[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)

[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)

[] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[] Anti-Hero

[X] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)

[] Athlete (Olympian)

[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)

[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)

[] Bully (Coward)

[] Catalyst

[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)

[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)

[X] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)

[X] Damsel (Princess)

[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)

[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)

[] Dilettante (Amateur)

[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)

[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)

[] Exorcist (Shaman)

[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)

[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)

[] Gambler

[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)

[] Gossip (see also Networker)

[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)

[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)

[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)

[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)

[X] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)

[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)

[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)

[] Knight in Shining Armor

[] Liberator

[] Lover

[] Martyr

[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)

[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)

[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)

[] Midas/Miser

[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)

[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)

[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)

[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)

[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)

[X] Poet

[X] Politician (see also King)

[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)

[X] Prince

[] Prostitute

[] Queen (Empress)

[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

[] Rescuer

[] Saboteur

[] Samaritan

[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)

[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)

[] Servant (Indentured Servant)

[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)

[] Slave

[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)

[X] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)

[X] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)

[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)

[X] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)

[] Threshold Guardian

[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[] Turncoat

[] Vampire

[X] Victim

[] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

[X] Virgin (see also Celibate)

[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)

[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)

[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? To complete his long list of duties so that he can finally have time for himself.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To create art without judgment, to psychologically heal, to find peace and quiet, and to take care of animals

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome?

Take down the Atwood Queendom and Shadow Asylum

3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult?

He’s only one person and they’re entire corporations. Plus, he’s afraid of Shelly.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome?

Shutting up the voices in his head and “falling out of love” with Shelly

4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult?

Being raped and brainwashed to the point where that’s all he can think about

=========================================

AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY

=========================================

Character theme song: “Heavy” by Linkin Park

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Christopher Masterson, but with long hair

Chains of Codependence

***CHAINS OF CODEPENDENCE***

I’d like to preface this blog entry by saying that I’m by no means an expert when it comes to matters of the heart. Shocking, right? But it’s true. I’ve only been in two relationships my whole life and they’re over now, so any experience and wisdom I do have is incredibly limited. So when I write a piece of nonfiction about romance, I’m doing so from the point of view of a maladaptive daydreamer and a serial crusher. I’ve got a gazillion crushes going on in my head right now, mostly You Tubers and internet friends. Who are these crushes? Well, on that front, I’ll have to zip it, lock it, and put it in my pocket. Wouldn’t want to weird anybody out and make these lovely ladies keep their distance from me forever, Corona Virus aside. That’s always been a fear of mine whenever I open up and talk about romance or sex: that people will think I’m being creepy. I’m going to word this blog entry as carefully as possible, which is something I should have done with my entry about bastardizing fan fiction characters, but didn’t, and now it’s scrubbed from the internet. Ready? Here we go.

Serial crushing can be lots of fun as long as you’re doing it for entertainment purposes only. You can daydream about holding hands together. You can fantasize about your crush giving you a hug after a particularly draining cry spell. Me? I like to pretend I’m resting my head on my crush’s lap while she strokes my hair. By then I will have already showered and my hair will be softer than a Humane Society kitty baby. These kinds of fantasies can bring a smile to your face…until you start to bemoan the idea of never being able to attain a relationship with said crushes. I’ve done this before as you can tell. And the more you bemoan this idea, the more depressed you become. This is what I like to call the “Chains of Codependence”. Imagine that: being codependent on somebody who not only barely knows you, but also wouldn’t want a relationship anyways. Usually when people are codependent, it’s with someone who’s physically there. But if it’s a long distance stranger…my god, does that shit hurt.

But if you talk yourself through this logically, it doesn’t have to hurt anymore. You’re crushing on someone whom you have limited knowledge of, whether it’s a You Tuber, a celebrity, an athlete, or whatever. You only see the best version of that person unless they voluntarily become vulnerable, which is rare in and of itself. And because you’ve only seen their best side, you don’t often see them at their darkest. They may have views that you strongly disagree with. They may be drama queens when the cameras aren’t rolling. They could have a criminal secret that you won’t be aware of until it’s too late. This is information you can obtain if you’re in a solid relationship with someone. What you do with that information could negate your schoolboy crush from so long ago. You see memes floating around social media that say, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” While this might set off a few red flags, there’s actually a lot of truth in it should you decide to commit to a relationship.

As long as you’re aware of the illusion in front of you and as long as your chains of codependence are broken, you can have a lot of fun serial crushing on long distance targets. Fill your mind with happy thoughts of you and your crush together. Play your favorite romantic song while you’re zoning out. Write a poem or short story about the experience (without using the person’s real name, of course). I wrote a poem not too long ago called Hand Massage and it’s about, you guessed it, smearing lotion over my crush’s hands as a way not only to heal her cracked skin, but also to relax her and earn her trust. Hand Massage ended up being a favorite poem of mine in recent memory, in a sea of marginally acceptable ones. I was open, honest, unafraid, and most importantly, I didn’t sound like a total creep. That’s a small victory in my book. Even the smallest victories will be vital in the never ending war against your own mind.

In March alone, I’ve had so many days of autistic and schizophrenic burnout that my writing output has been minimal at best. During these boring days of lying in bed and doing jack shit until the tiredness passes, I like to keep my imagination fresh by daydreaming of…whatever comes to mind. I’ve had thoughts about my own stories, I’ve had positive thoughts, evil ones, and yes, romantic ones. With the current Corona Virus spreading like wildfire all over the goddamn planet, my fantasies will be more important now than they’ve ever been. Movie theaters are closed, rock concerts are being canceled, public life in general has screeched to a grinding halt. As long as I’m staying home waiting for both the virus and my burnout to subside, I’m going to have my thoughts to keep me busy for the time being. Whoever said, “Thinking is the best way to travel” was probably living in my hometown of Port Orchard and had nothing to do whether the virus was spreading or not.

By all means, daydream until you’re ready to face this maddening world yet again. You can get attached to your crushes, but don’t get so attached that your happiness depends entirely on them. Have fun with your downtime. The world will come back to life soon enough. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

The last time I wrote a chapter of Beautiful Monster was either March 1^st or 2^nd and I spent so long getting it pumped out that I began to doubt my abilities as a writer. I began to question whether or not I was being too cautious in my approach. Even now I’m debating with myself about whether the next chapter, number ten, will be written with caution and slowness or reckless abandon and quickness. No matter which style I choose, I hope I can remember all of my talking points this time. I’m going to need them. In this chapter, Windham and Tarja venture into Devon Bay, one of the Atwood Queendom’s major cities, so that they can keep warm in a hotel room during the freezing weather. If you’re going to make “Get a room!” jokes, get them out of your system, because there will be nothing sexy about what Windham does in this chapter with a Smoke Wagon XT, the medieval equivalent of a handgun. Good thing Ordell Robbie from Jackie Brown isn’t giving him access to firearms. Otherwise, he just might have to “absolutely, positively kill every last motherfucker in the room”.

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Walking home with you last night, you said the world is beautiful and how things look that way when you’re in love. I love this world. When I’m in your arms, is this heaven? I opened up the letter that the postman gave to me this morning. Had to stop myself from shouting out, “I love this world!” When you’re in my arms, is this heaven? I know that heaven waits for those whose love is true. I want to be there when the age of love has come again. Tell me all about yourself and how you came to me like in a dream. And every night I dream of you. I dream of you. When I’m in your arms, is this heaven? I know that heaven waits for those whose love is true. Don’t ask me where or when the time for us will come again. I sit and watch the sun go down. And in the darkness there’s no sound while in the sky tonight the stars all cry, “I love you!” Are they crying out over you? ‘Cause you’re in my arms. Is this heaven? ‘Cause the story starts and ends with you.”

-The Moody Blues singing “Is This Heaven?”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

You could totally use the above song as fodder for one of your romantic daydreams with your gazillion crushes. I know I do.

Chain Whip (Beautiful Monster Theme Song)

VERSE 1

The seasons change and so does my mood

What good does it do to sit around and brood?

I’ve got a chain whip curled up on my hip

I’ve got enemies who need an afterlife trip

They took my soul and my intelligence

In my mind they took up permanent residence

Took my creativity and everything with it

How many chain lashes must be given?

CHORUS

One! Two! Black and blue!

Three! Four! Let’s go to war!

Five! Six! Suck it, bitch!

Here comes the chain whip!

VERSE 2

Maybe whiplashes aren’t the answer

Strangulation doesn’t seem much faster

Chokehold suplex tickles my fancy

The anticipation makes me feel antsy

I’ve got a psychotic grin on my face

As your blood splatters all over the place

Your skin shredded, your bones broken

Your thick skull has been split wide open

CHORUS

One! Two! Black and blue!

Three! Four! Let’s go to war!

Five! Six! Suck it, bitch!

Here comes the chain whip!

VERSE 3

If war is the answer, what’s the question?

What other solutions are even worth mention?

Should I shake your hand and call it a truce?

Should I suck your dick as even further proof?

Should I give you a hug? Accept your apology?

Or is this another instance of reverse psychology?

An iron head butt for your pretty little head

A hundred lashes even after you’re dead

EXTENDED CHORUS

One! Two! Black and blue!

Three! Four! Let’s go to war!

Five! Six! Suck it, bitch!

Here comes the chain whip!

Seven! Eight! Bring on the hate!

Nine! Ten! Your reign will end!

Eleven! Twelve! See you in hell!

Thirteen! Fourteen! Scarlet dreams!

Keep on counting the lashes!

Dust to dust! Ashes to ashes!

WINDHAM’S DIALOGUE

It’s not that I don’t believe in love. It’s that love doesn’t believe in me. FUCK LOVE!

Captain Evil

***CAPTAIN EVIL***

More often than not, when I’m writing a blog entry like this one, I like to joke about how nobody would take a villain named Captain Evil seriously. Who is Captain Evil? He’s my punch line for any villain who is evil for the sake of being evil. No motivations, no ambitions, no personality, just evil, evil, evil. Stomping on kittens, blowing up buildings, shooting up schools, all for the sake of being a massive dick. Do villains like these exist? Of course they do, but they’re mostly in golden age videogames and children’s cartoons.

If Bowser from the Mario Brothers franchise was renamed Captain Evil, nobody would even notice. He too has a one-track mind with not much dimension to him. Kidnapping Princess Peach seems to be his only motivation in life. But what does he do with her? Is he in love with her? Does it turn out at long last that Bowser is a horny incel? And if he’s really this big ass turtle warrior with a spiked shell and fiery breath, how come he has incompetent minions do his bidding for him? I know the early Mario games weren’t intended for deep thinking, but when you’re writing your own story, you really have no choice but to question a lot of these Captain Evil tropes.

But enough about Bowser and his two dimensions (both in terms of sprite graphics and character development). What about an actual person named Captain Evil? Is it really possible to redeem such a character? His name already gives off vibes of being a villain, much like the name Sweet Pea would lead you to believe she’s a protagonist. But what’s in a name? Does it say Captain Evil on his driver’s license? What if it’s just a catchy nickname? What if the guy who uses that name isn’t really evil, but just a really tough son of a bitch?

What if Captain Evil was the name of a military drill instructor who screamed at his privates all the time? Feel free to take that however you want. What if Captain Evil was a mixed-martial artist with an aggressive fighting style? What if Captain Evil was an actual supervillain? Could he still have multiple layers in his character development? Sure, he can! Maybe he doesn’t see being evil as a bad thing. Maybe he admits he’s evil and just doesn’t give a shit. Maybe it’s the world around him who gave him this label and he’s just rolling with it.

But the thing about multi-layered villains as that they don’t actually believe they’re the bad guy in their story. In fact, nobody in this world sees themselves as a villain despite the fact that they might do shitty things from time to time. Everybody has an original point of view, everybody has their own version of right and wrong, and our differences clash often. So even a guy with the name Captain Evil couldn’t see himself as a true villain if he has any chance at being multi-layered.

If you must make Captain Evil sympathetic, do it in a way that doesn’t involve a troubled past that leads nowhere. It’s a tired trope that only matters if executed correctly. If Captain Evil’s parents were killed, it has to lead to somewhere. If Captain Evil was bullied in school, it has to figure into the story somehow. If you’re just piling on problems for the sake of making a villain into a victim, you’re not doing yourself or your character any favors.

I know how ironic it seems to hear me say that since I too struggle with creating sympathetic characters. Then again, these days I struggle with every aspect of the writing game, whether it’s realistic dialogue, showing vs. telling, and of course, creating three-dimensional characters. I’ve been writing since 2002 and I still get it wrong from time to time. It’s almost as though I need someone to hold my hand for me as I cross the street. Although all first drafts by their very nature suck ass, some suck more than others. Some first drafts have an incomplete version of Captain Evil lurking in the background. I know a lot of mine do.

I’m not recommending you actually create a character named Captain Evil, unless of course it’s a challenge you want to undertake. If you like challenges and you like creating chicken salad out of chicken shit, then by all means, go for it. Some people thrive with minimal creative fuel. Some people need more to go by. As for myself, if I ever decide to create my own version of Captain Evil, I’m going to need all the help I can get from beta readers, editors, and Author Tubers with funny and helpful videos (I’m looking at you, Jenna Moreci).

Wait a minute…did I just namedrop Jenna Moreci? In a blog about Captain Evil? Her debut novel “Eve: the Awakening” has a character in it named Captain Ramsey. He was a former Navy Captain who now teaches combat classes at Billington University. He’s tough-minded, he’s hardcore, he’s a no-bullshit kind of guy. He doesn’t accept mediocrity from any of his students, least of all chimeras. Could he accept the nickname Captain Evil even though he’s technically one of the good guys? If we’re going by his no-bullshit attitude alone, then yes, I can see him earning that moniker. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s three-dimensional too!

If Jenna Moreci can successfully create Captain Evil, you can too and so can I! Let’s create an army of Captain Evils together! We’ve got this! No challenge is too big for us! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight! Anyone who can guess where my new sign-off phrase comes from gets a free cookie. It’ll be a digital cookie, but it’ll have chocolate chips nonetheless. Or if you’re an Oreo guy, you can have that too.

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

I’m looking at all the time stamps in which I completed these twenty-four chapters so far and holy shit, are they spaced out. Twenty-four chapters so far with three remaining on deck. I didn’t begin rewriting Beautiful Monster until late November last year. That means it took me over half a year to rewrite a novel that normally takes me two months at most. I don’t like to beat myself up over little shit, but goddamn, that’s got to be the longest I’ve ever spent on a WIP. Then again, I’ve also had quite a few creative and real life projects on my plate in lieu of Beautiful Monster. My Jack and the Beanstalk parody Emilio & Marigold dominated a good portion of my year. So did reading the shortest books in my library and reviewing them all. So did writing short stories and poems for the WSS on Good Reads. I can’t blame it all on psychological torpor, but since Impostor Syndrome is a bitch….Anyways, I wrote chapter twenty-four earlier today, so I’m a happy motherfucker. Windham finally swears! Yay! And I’m not just talking about damn and hell either. He dropped an F-bomb on Shelly like it was an actual nuclear warhead. You want to know what he said to her? “FUCK LOVE!” Speaking of which…

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Binary lie never scratch it on my skin. But you’d loved to see the mark just to fill the blackness in. I know what you are. You’re the last thing I see as my lungs fill. I’ll be goddamned if you didn’t love the sin while you offer up advice just to keep your secrets in. I know what you are. You’re the last breath I breathe as my lungs fill. Fuck love! It only goes away. There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye you made me say. Don’t love ever again. Fuck love! Your promise was in vain. There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye you made me say. Don’t love ever again. Counting all the days that deception was the game. I lived every day just to keep my promises. I can’t hide the scar. Now my last breath is yours and my lungs fill. Didn’t see the snake that was signaling the change. I’ll be damned for my sleep but still I hold you to blame. Still hold you to. Fuck love!”

-All That Remains singing “Fuck Love”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Do any All That Remains fans out there get the feeling that “Fuck Love” was written about Oli Herbert’s relationship with his wife before he died? I don’t want to peddle conspiracy theories, but…

Impostor Syndrome

***IMPOSTOR SYNDROME VS. ARROGANCE***

Last year when Hollow Hills put together the Still Standing anti-bullying anthology, Aurora Styles wrote a blog entry joking about how that book should be known as “The Curse of the Self-Loathing Authors”, or something to that effect. It was true. There was something about writing that book that made the authors, myself included, feel unsatisfied, like they have Impostor Syndrome. While it’s nice to be humble throughout your writing journeys, you have to believe in yourself at least a little bit in order to get shit done.

I must confess that I’ve struggled with Impostor Syndrome since I began writing and editing Emilio & Marigold for this year’s Hollow Hills anthology. I held such a negative opinion of my own writing that I actually started having anxious thoughts about potentially being fired from Hollow Hills. Of course, it would take more than writing a mediocre story for that to happen, but anxiety is anxiety and it doesn’t give any quarter. I’m not looking for sympathy nor am I fishing for compliments. I’ve dealt with the beast of Impostor Syndrome before and I can deal with it again. Beside, the anxious thoughts about a potential firing went away after twenty-four hours. That’s it.

It seems as though I’ve spent a good while trying to find a balance between Impostor Syndrome (extreme self-doubt) and arrogance (unjustified self-esteem). The middle passage is somewhere out there. I’ve got to find it. Just like I’ve got to find the middle passage between Mary-Sue characters and those whose flaws make them the most hated characters in my story. If you throw a pin into a gigantic pool of water, that’s where the middle passage is. Some authors have found it, others have not and their writing suffers because of it. Oh, there goes my Impostor Syndrome again!

In case you’ve ever felt like you were alone in this, know that you’re not. I don’t want to say that Impostor Syndrome is a necessary part of the creative process, because it’s not. Sure, you need to recognize your own flaws as an author and work on strengthening them. Sure, you need to take criticism gracefully and use it to build a strong foundation. But when your Impostor Syndrome is all-consuming, it can have some detrimental effects. I’m not saying I have the cure for what ails you, because I don’t. All I know is that some days you’ll feel like you can take on the world and other days you’ll feel like dog shit. Can you do anything about this? Can you have more high days than low ones? Hmm…

Not to let my Impostor Syndrome kick in again, but I really didn’t plan this blog entry through very well. I’ve got one page worth of text and I’m guessing it’s about five hundred words long, which is a thousand less than a novel chapter or short story usually is. Don’t worry, I don’t have my compliment fishing rod and tackle box out and I’m not a gold medalist in the Oppression Olympics. I’m just working through some things right now, that’s all.

You know what would work great for my Impostor Syndrome? Being able to rest my head on someone’s lap while they stroke my hair. It sounds perverted on the surface and that’s probably why my short story Schizophrenic Playboy wasn’t a smash hit anywhere that I posted it. But you know what? It doesn’t have to be perverted. It can be completely platonic. Gender wouldn’t even matter to me. Just resting my head on someone’s lap would feel nice right about now. I’ve been watching a lot of Cuddle Sanctuary videos lately, so that might be where I’m getting this from.

Do any of you struggle with Impostor Syndrome? I bet I’ll get a shit ton of yeses to this question, but I figured I’d ask anyways. What are some of your coping techniques? Do you just push through the days and hope that you’ve got more good days than bad ones? I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

In between edits of Emilio & Marigold, I’ve been quietly writing new chapters of Beautiful Monster and the next one will be number twenty-three. In this chapter, Windham, Llewellyn, and Tarja are taking shelter in a cave on the beach and they’re trying to figure out a plan to reclaim the Xavier Village from the Shadow Asylum mercenaries and Atwood Queendom soldiers. Three warriors versus an entire army? How is that even possible?!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Rape me. Rape me, my friend. Rape me. Rape me again. I’m not the only one. Hate me. Do it and do it again. Waste me. Rape me, my friend. I’m not the only one. My favorite inside source. I’ll kiss your open sores. I appreciate your concern. You’re going to stink and burn.”

-Nirvana singing “Rape Me”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

I feel that Nirvana’s anti-rape song will become a rallying cry for Windham Xavier throughout Beautiful Monster’s final five chapters. I’m strangely okay with that. It’s certainly more appropriate than “I’ll Be Over You” by Toto, which is what I’ve proposed for the first draft. The first draft…Millennium for emo kids…(shivers). Goddamn Impostor Syndrome!

It's Okay to Be Single

***IT’S OKAY TO BE SINGLE***

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon, a horizon covered by about ten inches of falling snow, by the way. For those who are single, Valentine’s Day is the hardest holiday to get through because it seems as though your non-existent relationship status is being rubbed in your face. I know this, because I too am single and I hated this holiday for the longest time. I wish someone had told me back in those romantically lonely days that…it’s okay to be single. I know it’s hard for some people to believe that the world won’t judge you if you are, but if it’s a comfort to you at all, I’m the very last person in this world who will judge you for being single. I won’t even judge you for being a virgin. Involuntarily celibate is an entirely different story, but still, you get my drift.

When you learn to let go of this idea that romance is a necessity, you’ll feel as though the weight of the world is finally off of your shoulders. That doesn’t mean you can’t get into a relationship somewhere down the line, but if you obsess over it all the time, then it’ll hurt you emotionally. A lot of the pain from my university days stemmed from being single and wanting someone I could never have. I crushed on Tarja Turunen, the ex-lead singer from Nightwish, and it hurt me constantly that I couldn’t have her. Even when I crushed on women within my location and economic means, I was too shy to approach them because I didn’t want them to be offended by my presence. I carried this pain for a long time, long after I graduated from college.

The idea of letting go of my obsession was insane to me, which I now realize is an ironic thing for a schizophrenic like me to say, but oh well. Why was I so obsessed? Was it a combination of teenaged hormones and having my first slow dance at 15? Was it a long-distance relationship I had in 2002 and 2003 where I desperately wanted to close that gap? Was it my first kiss in 2014? Was it being seduced by random women at rock concerts in 2016 and 2018? Those brain chemicals are addictive as hell, I agree. Any addiction makes letting go a difficult thing.

But when I finally let go earlier this year, I asked myself a series of questions that had “duh” answers all along. Would being in a relationship truly make me happy? Would having sex for the first time be as magical as books and movies make it out to be? What exactly are the consequences supposed to be for staying single? When the time finally comes to be in a relationship, will I be prepared or will anxiety take over my senses? Truth is, not everyone who’s in a relationship is happy, as evidenced by divorce rates, abusive situations, and constant fighting even when things are going great. First time sex ends too quickly, or so I’ve heard. There are no consequences for being single. I’ve done nothing to prepare myself for a relationship, so my anxiety and nervousness around women won’t dissipate.

None of this means that I don’t believe in romance. It doesn’t mean that if a woman asked me on a date, I would automatically reject her. It simply means that I won’t form unhealthy crushes or obsess over something unattainable. My emotional health means everything to me. It’s the reason why I’m able to sustain a writing career and an overall peaceful life. If I’m constantly in a state of unhappiness, then I don’t care how many poems and stories I write, because I can never satiate those obsessive desires. I wrote three first draft novels this year, all of them centering on my obsession with romance. While I’m grateful for the creative exercises, I can get the same result and probably more work done if I’m happy about life instead of miserable.

It’s particularly bad when you’re in love with a celebrity, especially one that’s been around since your teenaged years. You spend all of this time pining over and dreaming of them. Even when you realize it could never be, you obsess more and more until it ruins your state of mind. You carry this unhappiness with you into adulthood and by that time your celebrity crush is much older than you are. Everybody ages, everybody moves on, and you must do so too.

If you’re single this Valentine’s Day and you don’t know what to do, just treat it like any other day of the week. Do some creative work. Get some reading done. Draw a picture. Order a pizza. Watch a movie. Do something other than give into your unrealistic obsessions. You’re responsible for your own happiness. Treat yourself kindly. Don’t beat yourself up. Take good care of your mind. You only get one in this lifetime, so be good to it and don’t drive yourself insane. If you must get into a relationship, keep it healthy and happy and don’t be codependent. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

Rewriting this story has been a slow process with many gap days in between the work days. You can thank my constant sleepiness for that. But fear not, because before 2019 is over, I will have this novel finished and published. The next chapter to be written will be number twelve, where Windham and Tarja deliver the blueprints to Shelly’s castle to their boss, Orpheus Rinehart. Will the boss man be grateful or will he reward his employees with a year-long membership in the Jelly of the Month Club? It’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. You get a cookie if you know what movie that’s from.

***PHILOSOPHICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“You will find that if you get with reality, all thoughts of delusions disappear. But you must remember that the secret to all of this is not to be afraid of fear. When you can really allow yourself to be afraid, and you don't resist the experience of fear, you are truly beginning to master fear. But when you refuse to be afraid, you are resisting fear, and that simply sets up a vicious circle of being afraid of fear of being afraid of being afraid of fear. If then you try to obliterate fear, you're working in the wrong way. To attack at fear is to strengthen it. As if you were God, that is to say, you don't trust anybody and you're the dictator and you have to keep everybody in line, you lose the divine then. 'Cause what you're doing is simply defending yourself. So then the principle is the more you give it away, the more it comes back. The meaning of the fact we see that everything is dissolving constantly, we're all falling apart. We're all in a process of constant death. Then you truly understand that you don't have to let go because there's nothing to hold on to.”

-Alan Watts-

Beautiful Monster Announcement

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER ANNOUNCEMENT***

Good evening, everybody. I hope things are going well for you all. I only have one more chapter of Incelbordination left to write and then it’s on to new horizons. I’ve been deliberately putting off writing these chapters because I needed something to submit to the WSS every week. I know joining the WSS contests isn’t a requirement, but I still want to play a huge role in the group that changed my life in so many ways. Once Incelbordination is over, I’ll need a new project. For the public eye, that project will be unofficial additions to Poison Tongue Tales 2, my collection of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror short stories.

The third draft of Beautiful Monster, on the other hand, will have to be written privately. I have aspirations of publishing this novel through Hollow Hills Books, LLC, the company owned by my wonderful beta reader Marie Krepps and her longtime business partner Aurora Styles. Part of the conditions for publishing with them is that I can’t publish it anywhere else and that includes social media. They’re a business and they have to make money somehow, so I understand that. I don’t begrudge them for that and neither should any of you. Publishing with Hollow Hills will be a good move for me since they’re better at marketing books than I am. They also do formatting, book covers, and of course, critiquing and editing.

Though I can’t post any of the new chapters on social media, I can let you all know what some of the changes are going to be. For starters, Tarja Rikkinen and Windham Xavier’s relationship will be mostly platonic and any romantic movements will be slow and steady. This means Tarja will actually respect Windham’s personal boundaries instead of prodding him with nosy questions and trying to seduce him into doing something he doesn’t want to do.

Another change is that Windham won’t be a loose cannon at any point in the story. On the contrary, he will never raise his voice when he speaks even during angry moments, which makes him more intimidating to fight against, actually. He’s also going to refrain from swearing unless he’s quoting other people. When the one moment happens where he yells and swears, it’ll be special to read about and it won’t seem forced.

Names will also be changed. Instead of being called Michelle Xavier (a plain and boring first name), Windham’s queen sister will be called Llewellyn. Instead of Paladin Cross (an honorable and righteous name), the mercenary outfit that employs Windham and Tarja will be called Shadow Asylum. Instead of being a nameless city, Shadow Asylum’s headquarters will be located in an urban sprawl called Morgan Town. Instead of being a nameless client, Orpheus will be employed by a gigantic king named Lars Stonewall, who despises Shelly Atwood for her sex trafficking business.

That’s another thing that needs to change: the evil characters need reasons for being evil. For Shelly’s sex trafficking and Orpheus’s mercenary guild, it’s not personal, it’s business. Money talks, bullshit walks. Profits before people. Ninety percent of the wealth is in ten percent of the population. Who cares if it disenfranchises the poor? While some people might find this mindset to be agreeable, I don’t. Income inequality brought on by shady business practices is one of my berserk buttons.

Instead of just twenty chapters, the new version of Beautiful Monster will have twenty-eight, counting a prologue and epilogue to bookend those chapters. This means there will be more action and less easy victories for the heroes, now that I have more space to work with. This also means there will be more room for back-stories, subplots, and hobbies for characters to enjoy. Everything happens for a reason and those reasons will be made clear in this new version.

Instead of wearing trench coats and heavy armor, Shadow Asylum members will wear red tunics with the company’s logo on the chest and black baggy pants. Trench coats can be yanked on during combat and can give an opponent an easy advantage. Heavy armor will weigh the mercenaries down when they try to get a cheap shot in on their foes.

Instead of psychedelic mushrooms that make him act like a loony toon, Windham will consume medicinal leaves to calm his mind down. These leaves are the medieval equivalent of Xanax in the modern world. I was going to have Windham undergo EMDR as a supplement to eating leaves, but that wouldn’t exist in medieval times (even with the liberties I plan on taking).

Last but not least, everybody will have unique speech patterns instead of screaming and cursing at everything. I’ve already mentioned that Windham won’t raise his voice or swear and the same will be said for Llewellyn. Kody and Christian Savage won’t even have dialogue; they’ll just grunt and make animal sounds, which makes them even creepier than they originally were. Orpheus Rinehart will still talk like a medieval version of Alex Jones. Shelly Atwood will still speak like a high class lady in her seductive tone. Am I leaving anybody out?

If you want to get an early start on Beautiful Monster, be sure to pick up a copy of the Still Standing anthology by Hollow Hills when it comes out on December 14^th. The anthology includes a prequel to Beautiful Monster called Savage Beatings, a story that chronicles Windham’s early days in Shadow Asylum. The other stories in that anthology are awesome to read as well, including works by Marie Krepps, Aurora Styles, Larry Fort (psychology major), and David Quesenberry (poet). One hundred percent of the proceeds will be donated to the Crisis Text Line, which is appropriate considering the theme of the book is anti-bullying phenomena. The combination of the worthy cause and lovable reads make Still Standing a must-buy for the holiday season (and every season after that).

I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I’ve been cast out, sequestered, and pushed the fuck around. Blindsided, beaten, locked up, and bound. Always thought I was human, but maybe I was wrong. Been treated like an animal since the day I was born. The wounds that I wear are like a crown upon a king. So heavy they lie with all the pain that they bring. My life is full of longing, but for what I’ll never know. I’ve been drawn into the fire as I reap what I sow. The ruler of a kingdom that ends up the pawn. So tired of thinking of where it all went wrong. Friendships, they come and go and sometimes they end. Wouldn’t dream in a million years that this would be one of them. Faith in the life, belief in the end. Failure’s not an option, but the options exist. I gave up on everything; I gave ‘til I bleed. Take it all, take everything, just take it from me! You’re pushing me, I’m pushing back. Falling down my heart attacks. Compassion is lost. No more hope, no more trust. I tore it down and burned it up. All faith is gone. Respect. Devotion. Dead. Disgust. Hate. Lies. I’m not a hero or a villain. Not a god, I’m just a man. Staring through the hourglass and the footprints in the sand. I’m stripping off my armor. My battles here are done. Wave my white flag to surrender and fly into the sun. Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away. When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces. The more that you love me, insecurity releases. I’ll be the one that’s to blame. So I’ll sell my soul to blaze like a moth to a flame.”

-Hellyeah singing “Moth”-