Carolyn Bryant-Donham: Left Side of the Page, Right Side of the Political Spectrum, Wrong Side of History

 

Chain Whip (Beautiful Monster Theme Song)

VERSE 1

The seasons change and so does my mood

What good does it do to sit around and brood?

I’ve got a chain whip curled up on my hip

I’ve got enemies who need an afterlife trip

They took my soul and my intelligence

In my mind they took up permanent residence

Took my creativity and everything with it

How many chain lashes must be given?

CHORUS

One! Two! Black and blue!

Three! Four! Let’s go to war!

Five! Six! Suck it, bitch!

Here comes the chain whip!

VERSE 2

Maybe whiplashes aren’t the answer

Strangulation doesn’t seem much faster

Chokehold suplex tickles my fancy

The anticipation makes me feel antsy

I’ve got a psychotic grin on my face

As your blood splatters all over the place

Your skin shredded, your bones broken

Your thick skull has been split wide open

CHORUS

One! Two! Black and blue!

Three! Four! Let’s go to war!

Five! Six! Suck it, bitch!

Here comes the chain whip!

VERSE 3

If war is the answer, what’s the question?

What other solutions are even worth mention?

Should I shake your hand and call it a truce?

Should I suck your dick as even further proof?

Should I give you a hug? Accept your apology?

Or is this another instance of reverse psychology?

An iron head butt for your pretty little head

A hundred lashes even after you’re dead

EXTENDED CHORUS

One! Two! Black and blue!

Three! Four! Let’s go to war!

Five! Six! Suck it, bitch!

Here comes the chain whip!

Seven! Eight! Bring on the hate!

Nine! Ten! Your reign will end!

Eleven! Twelve! See you in hell!

Thirteen! Fourteen! Scarlet dreams!

Keep on counting the lashes!

Dust to dust! Ashes to ashes!

WINDHAM’S DIALOGUE

It’s not that I don’t believe in love. It’s that love doesn’t believe in me. FUCK LOVE!

"The Cat Who Talked to Ghosts" by Lilian Jackson Braun

BOOK TITLE: The Cat Who Talked to Ghosts

AUTHOR: Lilian Jackson Braun

YEAR: 1990

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Cozy Mystery

GRADE: Pass

After a series of mysterious events cause a museum owner named Iris Cobb to have a heart attack, Jim “Qwill” Qwilleran and his two Siamese cats Koko and Yum-Yum move into the office to try to solve her indirect murder. As the mystery progresses, Qwill uncovers a conspiracy almost a century in the making that involves a lynching of a mine tycoon that could be interpreted as either suicide or murder depending on who’s talking. The two deaths don’t seem connected at first, but Qwill begins to wonder as he digs deeper. In between tracking clues and interviewing suspects and witnesses, Qwill likes to unwind by having dinner at fancy restaurants with his friends and snuggling up to his Siamese kitties. Downtime is the detective’s best friend.

I’ve been a fan of Lilian Jackson Braun for a long time. Having said that, I’ve never noticed until after reading this book how much she tends to tell instead of show. All this time, I’ve modeled my own writing style off of someone with an almost minimalist approach to descriptive writing. However, what’s stopping me from giving this book a mixed grade instead of a passing one is the fact that the writing style was by design. These “Cat Who” books are considered light reading and easy on the eyes with a smooth pace. Sometimes descriptive language has to be sacrificed to achieve such mellow reading. I can accept that. Therefore, this paragraph isn’t really a criticism, because I enjoy a relaxing book every now and then.

The mystery in this book is one that is well constructed, probably the best one I’ve read in the “Cat Who” series so far. Though this is mostly a G-rated mystery, the deaths and violence that do take place will leave a lasting impression and will give a greater urgency for the crimes to be solved. This isn’t about fingerprint taking and crime lab work. This is about researching a conspiracy that goes back to the early 1900’s and how it connects with the mystery of the present time. Without the extensive interviews and reading, this case probably would have gotten cold. While I won’t give away the results of the mystery, I will tell you that you can expect some serious homework to be done on the part of Qwill.

And of course, what would a “Cat Who” mystery be without, you guessed it, kitties? Koko is such an inquisitive little feline who always plays a pivotal role in solving even the coldest of crimes. Yum Yum is a cutie pie who loves to roll around and play with everyone. Qwill’s girlfriend, Polly Duncan, even has a tiny little ball of fur named Bootsie, who has more energy in one leap than athletic runners have in a whole sprint. There’s even a scene where Bootsie digs his claws so deep into Qwill’s back that he needs help prying the little guy off. But at the end of the day, all three kitties are worthy of eating a well-cooked meatloaf, turkey sandwich, ribeye steak, or whatever Qwill happens to bring home from his favorite restaurants.

Another Lilian Jackson Braun mystery is in the books, pun definitely intended. We’ve got a smooth, gentle pace, smooth, gentle kitties, and a main character with a smooth, gentle disposition (even during moments of grumpiness). If you want something light to read that won’t put too much strain on your eyeballs, I suggest grabbing a copy of “The Cat Who Talked to Ghosts”. Relax in your favorite easy chair, grab a kitty, and start reading!

Dog Fucker

CHORUS 1

When you kill a human being, it drives me mad

When you kill an animal, it’s twice as bad

Dog fucker!

Dog fucker!

VERSE 1

A sodomite with a bully’s might

You came to kill in the dead of night

Rape and torture are your tools of trade

Cutting your victims with an iron blade

Your latest kill was a sexual thrill

Man’s best friend now lies down still

The blood on your dick is so damn sick

Now the murder charge is going to stick

CHORUS 2

When you kill a human being, it’s a lifelong curse

When you kill an animal, it’s ten times worse

Dog fucker!

Dog fucker!

VERSE 2

Now you find yourself in a tight corner

Locked up in a cage by the judge’s order

Your new cell mate has a bone to pick

It’s in his pants and it’s called his dick

Knowing the rape of the innocent puppy

Is vicious and violent, not soft and loving

Pornographic passion, metal bunk thrashing

It’s Marvel Comics and Hulk is smashing

CHORUS 3

Murdering a human is a mortal sin

Murdering a dog makes you the devil’s kin

Dog fucker!

Dog fucker!

VERSE 3

Revenge is a fantasy played out in cinema

It’s eating us alive and damn near killing us

But goddamn, it’s so easy to get pissed

Punishment is more than a slap on the wrist

I tried to be nice, friendly, and forgiving

But you’ve stolen that dog from the living

I’ve got furry friends chilling on my couch

Go near them and you’ll be screaming “Ouch!”

LULLABY ENDING

Lullaby and goodnight

You know it’s not right

Close your eyes and start to smile

You’ll be going away for a while

When the dawn lights the sky

You can hear your victims cry

Start your day with a smile

No one believes your guile