Good Reads Book Tag

***GOOD READS BOOK TAG***

Q: What was the last book you marked as read?

A: “The Golden Bell” by Aurora Styles. I gave four out of five stars to this deliciously dark fairytale.

Q: What are you currently reading?

A: “Catch-22” by Joseph Heller. Actually, I haven’t started it yet, but I will eventually. My dad recommended this one to me since it’s supposed to be relevant to today’s world.

Q: What was the last book you marked as “to be read”?

A: “Eve: The Awakening” by Jenna Moreci. I purchased it on Amazon using a gift card that I won in a Halloween costume contest. I was a member of Slipknot for Halloween.

Q: What book do you plan to read next?
A: A randomly selected graphic novel. I always select my next book at random so that all of them in my collection have an equal chance of being paid attention to. It’s not fair just to read new books all the time. First I select a fictional book, then a graphic novel, then a nonfiction book. And then the cycle repeats itself until I have no more books (yeah, right!).

Q: Do you use the star rating system?

A: I do, but I give the grades my own names. Five stars is Extra Credit, four stars is Pass, three stars is Mixed, two stars is Fail, and one star is Zero Credit.

Q: Are you doing a reading challenge?

A: No. I’m a slow reader and it’s a long time between sessions, so I wouldn’t be able to set those goals for myself.

Q: Do you have a wish list?

A: Yes. These are the items on it:

1. “(Never) Land” by Jenna Streety
2. “A Is For Alibi” by Sue Grafton
3. “Absolute Power” by David Baldacci
4. “Absolutely Remarkable Thing, An” by Hank Green
5. “Adam Copeland on Edge” by Adam Copeland
6. “Adventures of Tanner the Tenacious Terrier, The” by Scott Berry
7. “Aeon Legion: Labyrinth” by J.P. Beaubien
8. “Almost Home” by Damien Echols
9. “Almost Live! The Show That Wouldn’t Die” by Bryan Johnston
10. “Alpha Drive, The” by Kristen Martin
11. “America 51” by Corey Taylor
12. “Apocrypha: The Legend of Babymetal” by The Prophet of the Fox God
13. “Are We There Yet?” by Robert Caprio
14. “Awkward” by Ty Tashiro
15. “Batista Unleashed” by Dave Batista
16. “Batman: The Killing Joke” by Alan Moore
17. “Beastie Boys Book” by Adam Horovitz and Michael Diamond
18. “Beautiful Boy” by David Sheff
19. “Being Jazz” by Jazz Jennings
20. “Best Seat in the House” by Justin Roberts
21. “Blackbirds” by Chuck Wendig
22. “Blacksad” by Juan Diaz Canales
23. “Blood and Water” by Briana Morgan
24. “BloodGifted” by Tima Maria Lacoba
25. “Book of Booty, The” by Big E, Xavier Woods, and Kofi Kingston
26. “Brutal Youth” by Anthony Breznican
27. “Bum Deal, A” by Rufus Hannah
28. “Butters Comes Home” by Claudette Melanson
29. “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” by Lee Israel
30. “Cat Who Could Read Backwards, The” by Lilian Jackson Braun
31. “Clover” by Moxie Darling
32. “Controversy Creates Cash” by Eric Bischoff
33. “Crazy Is My Superpower” by AJ Mendez-Brooks
34. “Crazy Like a Fox” by Liam O’Rourke
35. “Dark Visions” by Jonas Saul
36. “Dead and Kicking” by Lisa Emme
37. “Death and Other Dances” by Carla Harvey
38. “Death Punch’d” by Jeremy Spencer
39. “Deceived” by Brett Battles
40. “Deep Link, The” by Veronica Sicoe
41. “Deer Woman: An Anthology” by Elizabeth Lapensee and Weshoyot Alvitre
42. “Demon Knights, Vols. 1 to 3” by Paul Cornell
43. “Demon Within” by Julie Nicholls
44. “Development Hell: The NXT Story” by Michael Sidgwick
45. “Diary of a Teenage Girl” by Phoebe Gloeckner
46. “Dietland” by Sarai Walker
47. “Disobedience” by Naomi Alderman
48. “Dog’s Purpose, A” by W. Bruce Cameron
49. “Down the Rabbit Hole” by Holly Madison
50. “Dying Machine, A” by Mark Tremonti
51. “Eggshells” by Caitriona Lally
52. “Elysian Prophecy, The” by Vivien Reis
53. “Evalene’s Number” by Bethany Atazadeh
54. “Execution in the Family, An” by Robert Meeropol
55. “Fangirl” by Rainbow Rowell
56. “Feels Like Forever” by K.L. Cottrell
57. “Fifth Season, The” by N.K. Jemisin
58. “First Fruits” by Amanda Carney
59. “First They Killed My Father” by Loung Ung
60. “Four Territories, The” by Steve Collier
61. “From Prison to Promise” by Booker T
62. “Gateway to the Past” by Andy Peloquin
63. “Ghostly Writes Anthology 2016” by Multiple Authors
64. “Girl Out of Water” by Laura Silverman
65. “Girls In White Dresses” by Alex Gates
66. “Glass Castle, The” by Jeannette Walls
67. “Grappler” by Lynn Denton
68. “Gravity Rising” by Evie Driver (2019)
69. “Guardians, The” by Gina Moray
70. “Gun Seller, The” by Hugh Laurie
71. “Happy!” by Grant Morrison
72. “Harmony” by Carolyn Parkhurst
73. “Hate U Give, The” by Angie Thomas
74. “Haunting Hour” by RL Stine
75. “Heart of Thorns” by Bree Barton
76. “Heat Wave” by Richard Castle
77. “Here Comes Trouble” by Michael Moore
78. “Homegrown Democrat” by Garrison Keillor
79. “Hot Blood” series
80. “How Maxwell Grover Stole My House” by C.E. Vance
81. “How Wrestling Should Book Book, The, Vol. 1 and 2” by Adam Blampied
82. “I Am Not a Serial Killer” by Dan Wells
83. “I Am, I Am, I Am” by Maggie O’Farrell
84. “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark” by Michelle McNamara
85. “If They Only Knew” by Chyna
86. “In Search of Us” by Ava Dellaira
87. “In the Presence of Knowing” by Valarie Savage Kinney
88. “In Times of Violence” by Karina Kantas
89. “Jade” by Rose Montague
90. “Journey into Darkness” by Michael Chiappetta
91. “Kayfabe” by Sean Oliver
92. “Killing My Insomnia” by Igor Cavalera
93. “Kind of Like Life” by Christina McMullen
94. “Kiss Quotient, The” by Helen Hoang
95. “Law and Disorder” by Mike Papantonio
96. “Liberal Redneck Manifesto, The” by Trae Crowder, Drew Morgan, and Corey Ryan Forrester
97. “Life of a Children’s Troubadour, The” by Raffi Cavoukian
98. “Lights, Camera, Game Over” by Luke Owen
99. “Lion Called Christian, A” by Anthony Bourke
100. “Little Birds” by Hannah Lee Kidder
101. “Long Hard Road Out of Hell” by Marilyn Manson
102. “Looking at the Lights” by Pete Gas
103. “Looking For Alaska” by John Green
104. “Lost Girls” by Alan Moore
105. “Love Beyond Body, Space, and Time” by Hope Nicholson
106. “Loving Day” by Mat Johnson
107. “Magic Resistant” by Veronica Del Rosa
108. “Magic-Price” by C.L. Schneider
109. “Mapping the Interior” by Stephen Graham Jones
110. “Marco Hietala: Stainless” by Timo Kangasluoma (English)
111. “Mark of the Beast” by Trevor Wooten
112. “Marrow Thieves, The” by Cherie Dimaline
113. “Melabeth the Vampire” by E.B. Hood
114. “Memento Mori” by Muriel Spark
115. “Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life” by James Patterson
116. “More, Now, Again” by Elizabeth Wurtzel
117. “Mouth For War” by Phil Anselmo
118. “My Friend Dahmer” by Derf Backderf
119. “My Life” by David Jason
120. “NCIS: New Orleans: Crossroads” by Jeff Mariotte
121. “New York Trilogy, The” by Paul Auster
122. “No Is a Four-Letter Word” by Chris Jericho
123. “Norma Jean’s School of Witchery, Book One” by Rose Montague
124. “NXT: The Future Is Now” by Jon Robinson
125. “Officer Downe” by Joe Casey
126. “Official Truth 101 Proof” by Rex Brown
127. “Olympian Confessions: Hades and Persephone” by Erin Kinsella
128. “On a LARP” by Stefani Deoul
129. “Once a Crooked Man” by David McCallum
130. “One Left Behind, The: Magic” by Shakyra Dunn
131. “One Snowy Night” by Various Authors
132. “Pale Blue Dot” by Carl Sagan
133. “Pawper to Pedigree” by Angel M.
134. “Perfect Union of Contrary Things, A” by Maynard James Keenan
135. “Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater” by Michael J. Elliott
136. “Playing with Fire” by Lawrence O’Donnell
137. “Pleasure of My Company” by Steve Martin
138. “Pretty Guilty” by K.L. Cottrell
139. “Princess Alexia and the Dragon” by K. Meador
140. “PROX Transmissions, The” by Dustin Bates
141. “Punch Happy” by Lux Alani
142. “Rabbit Joke, The” by Paul White
143. “Red Queen” by Victoria Aveyard
144. “Resfeber” by Kelly Damon
145. “Rise of the Warrior Cop” by Radley Balko
146. “Rise: How a House Built a Family” by Cara Brookins
147. “Road to Jonestown, The” by Jeff Guinn
148. “Robopocalypse” by Daniel Wilson
149. “Roger Waters: The Man Behind the Wall” by Dave Thompson
150. “Room” by Emma Donoghue
151. “Rowdy” by Ariel Toombs and Colton Toombs
152. “Saint Mick” by Mick Foley
153. “Satan Speaks!” by Anton LaVey
154. “Scalped” series by Jason Aaron
155. “Scarlet Woods” by Brooke Passmore
156. “Second Nature” by Ric Flair and Charlotte Flair
157. “Sein Language” by Jerry Seinfeld
158. “Seven Deadly Sins” by Corey Taylor
159. “Sex, Drugs, and Opera” by Roland Orzabal
160. “Shadowlaw” by Brandon Easton
161. “She’s Not Here” by Mandi Lynn
162. “Shit My Dad Says” by Justin Halpern
163. “Silent Bob Speaks” by Kevin Smith
164. “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda” by Becky Albertalli
165. “Siren Slave” by Aurora Styles
166. “Slobberknocker” by Jim Ross
167. “Soul of It All” by Michael Bolton
168. “Springfield Confidential” by Mike Reiss
169. “Squared Circle” by David Shoemaker
170. “Squirm” by Carl Hiaasen
171. “Stolen” by Lucy Christopher
172. “Story Genius” by Lisa Cron
173. “Story of the Streets, The” by Mike Skinner
174. “Sweet Vengeance” by Aliya DalRae
175. “Sword of Ruyn” by R.G. Long
176. “Sword of Shannara, The” by Terry Brooks
177. “System of a Down: Right Here in Hollywood” by Ben Myers
178. “Take the Cannoli” by Sarah Vowell
179. “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” by Jenny Han
180. “To Nowhere” by C.E. Wilson
181. “Toast” by Adam Blampied
182. “Tome of the Undergates” by Sam Sykes
183. “Toxic Avenger, The” by Lloyd Kaufman
184. “Tricked” by Alex Robinson
185. “True Fiction” by Lee Goldberg
186. “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green
187. “Undertaker” by Chad Dundas
188. “Upside of Unrequited, The” by Becky Albertalli
189. “VG Heroes” by Jason Delfino and Carlos Malbrew
190. “Walking a Golden Mile” by William Regal
191. “Way of Spears” by Natalia Leigh
192. “What If It’s Us?” by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera
193. “Why Young Men” by Jamil Jivani
194. “Win By Submission” by Melynda Price
195. “Worlds with Ruby” by CP Cabaniss
196. “Worst Person in the World” by Keith Olbermann
197. “Y: The Last Man” by Brian K. Vaughan
198. “Yaqui Delgado Wants to Kick Your Ass” by Meg Medina
199. “Yummy” by Greg Neri

Q: What book do you plan to buy next?
A: “Little Birds” by Hannah Lee Kidder. She’s an absolute joy to watch on You Tube whether she’s giving writing advice, doing book tags, or reviewing bad movies.

Q: Do you have any favorite quotes?

A: “In Joe Pickett’s experience, the man who talked the most had the least to say.” That’s from “Open Season” by CJ Box.

Q: Who are your favorite authors?

A: Jenna Moreci, Stephen Chbosky, Susan Cain, Carl Hiaasen, Lilian Jackson Braun, and Brett Battles to name a few.

Q: Have you joined any groups?

A: The only one I’m currently a part of is Weekly Short Story Contests and Company.  Every week, there’s a friendly competition to see who wrote the best short story or poem based on a one or two-word prompt. No prizes, it’s just for motivation and fun. Some of my best writing was produced in this group and I’m thankful to have been a part of the WSS as it’s called.

I tag…anybody who feels like doing this. I won’t pull a gun on you or anything like that. Hell, you might not even have a Good Reads account.

You're Not Good Enough Book Tag

***YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BOOK TAG***

The only reason why I know this tag exists is because Lily C Reads did a You Tube video of it two years ago. It looked like a shit ton of fun and Lily is a funny motherfucker in this video, so I figured I should do this tag too. The rules are simple: create a roster of thirty book characters of your choosing and randomly choose two of them to answer each of the fifteen questions. Are you ready? I know I am!

1. You only have one more spot on your Spelling Bee team, who would you pick to complete your team?

Options: Rick Hunter (Robotech) or Charlie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)

Choice: Two guys who can’t figure out their love lives, but only one of them takes an interest in writing and literature. This one’s easy: Charlie. Although, I might change my mind if one of the words is Zentradae (even I don’t know how to spell that).

2. Both characters want to kill you, which one would you kill first so you have a better chance of surviving?

Options: Julie (Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion) or Deckard Cain (Diablo series)

Choice: Julie is a tried and true survivalist and Deckard Cain is an old man with bad joints. Hmm…which one is the greater threat to me? Sorry, Julie, but you’re taking the dirt nap tonight. My dead cat Smokey is a bigger threat to me than Deckard Cain ever will be.

3. You’re on the bachelor/bachelorette and you’re down to these two characters, which one are you going to give your rose too?

Options: Ava Bigtree (Swamplandia by Karen Russell) or The Woman (The Woman by Jack Ketchum)

Choice: So basically, you’re asking me to choose between statutory rape and the possibility of getting my guts ripped out. Sorry, ladies, you two are on your own. I’d rather be forced to choose between death and unga-bunga (only to get killed via unga-bunga).

4. You’ve been chosen for the Hunger Games, who would most likely volunteer in your place?

Options: Skink (Carl Hiaasen’s books) or Batman

Choice: This one’s a tough call since they’re both certified badasses and can rip an opponent to shreds within seconds. Ultimately, I’ll have to go with Skink since he’s used to survivalist scenarios, ergo why he lives out in the woods in Florida wearing just a shower cap and a raincoat.

5. You’re stranded on an island. Which character would you sacrifice to engage in cannibalism?

Options: Abby Abernathy (Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire) or Christian Grey (Fifty Shades of Grey)

Choice: The sexual overtones in this question and its choices are more obvious than a boner on the subway. But since Christian Grey has more muscle on his body, his sacrifice will last longer, so I’m going to choose him. Plus, he’s a grade A douche, so nobody will miss him.

6. You’re the next DC/Marvel superhero (with your own tv show of course), who is your sidekick?

Options: Anastasia Steele (Fifty Shades of Grey) or Peeta Mellark (The Hunger Games)

Choice: This one’s a no-brainer if I ever saw one. I’m going with Peeta the ass-kicking machine. If I went with Anastasia, it’s basically giving my opponents a license to shoot me. I think I’d rather be tortured by a supervillain than listen to Ana’s whining throughout our demise.

7. You’re a manager of an Avocado admiring company, who would you fire for lack of communication skills?

Options: Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat) or Tulip O’Haire (Preacher)

Choice: I’m being asked to choose between two badass women who would cut me from asshole to appetite if I crossed them. But as far as communication skills go, I’d cut Sonya from the team since Tulip has a way with raunchy dialogue. I need all the swear words I can muster up if I’m going to admire avocado.

8. You’ve just finished a book in which your favorite character dies, which character is most likely to comfort you?

Options: Margo Roth Spiegelman (Paper Towns by John Green) or Kick-Ass

Choice: Kick-Ass would probably tell me to suck it up and be a man, so he’d be of no help. The only way I could justify choosing Margo is if I can fucking find her, wherever she is. She kind of has a knack for making herself scarce when her friends need her the most. And even if you do find her…ugh…

9. Ugh, it’s high school. Who would most likely be part of the popular clique?

Options: Marlon Bundo (John Oliver and Jill Twiss’s version of A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo) or Twilight Lady (Watchmen)

Choice: Hmm…a gay rabbit or a seductive female pimp? Well, since popular cliques in high school tend to be more shallow minded, I’m giving the nod to Twilight Lady since she can hook up the horny teenagers with sex and fun. I’d actually fear for Marlon Bundo’s safety since popular kids love to bully LGBT students.

10. The day has arrived; you’re finally a year older! Who would have the nerve to forget your birthday?

Options: Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs) or Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)

Choice: Scorpion doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anybody’s birthdays since he’s too busy breathing fire on his opponents and sticking harpoons through their chests. I’m giving him the nod, obviously. At least with Clarice Starling, it’s forgivable if she forgets your birthday because she’s always busy catching criminals. Being a detective is stressful work.

11. You’ve just found an upcoming booktube star? Who would most likely be?

Options: Cherry Pye (Star Island by Carl Hiaasen) or Tobias Kaya (The Savior’s Champion by Jenna Moreci)

Choice: I’m not sure Cherry Pye even knows how to fucking read. She’s a dumbass pop star with a shallow point of view and no talent, so she doesn’t have much of a chance. Tobias, on the other hand, is a little more scholarly since he has a background as an artist. Plus, he’d be a hit with the female You Tube audience.

12. Sleepover time! Unfortunately you can only invite one person, who would you invite?

Options: Alex De Large (A Clockwork Orange) or Scout Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird)

Choice: So you’re asking me to sleep with either a serial rapist or a young child. No matter what I choose, somebody’s going to jail whether it’s me or Alex. I’m calling this one a draw so that I can spare myself the embarrassment.

13. Bam, you’re pregnant. Who’s the father/mother?

Options: Lisa Hayes (Robotech) or Rorschach (Watchmen)

Choice: If you give a child to Rorschach, you might as well schedule an abortion right now. He might not like that very much since he’s a rightwing nut job and a violent lunatic, but he’ll have to get over it. Lisa Hayes, on the other hand, is gentle enough to be a fitting mother. I think she might have actually had children with Rick Hunter in the Robotech canon, but I’m not sure.

14. You’ve just written a super important text. Who would ‘see’ it, but not reply?

Options: Yum Yum (Lilian Jackson Braun’s Cat Who book) or Sneaky Pie Brown (Rita Mae Brown’s books)

Choice: Both characters are cats, so it all boils down to who the bigger diva is and even then it’s a tough decision. This one’s another draw since they’d be too distracted by laser pens.

15. You’ve just woken up and it’s time for breakfast. Your mum’s been replaced by who?!

Options: Koko (Lilian Jackson Braun’s Cat Who books) or Sean King (David Baldacci’s King & Maxwell series)

Choice: Let’s see here? Who would make a better breakfast for me: a fucking cat or a human being with actual cooking skills? If I chose Koko, I’d probably have a dead bird or mouse served on a plate for me. With Sean King, I’d get eggs and bacon no problem. Let’s see…this is a tough one…

And just like that it’s over. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

(RE: Rachel Oates video)

JAMES: I’m telling Mom you’re watching a piss fetish video.

GARRISON: That’s not what it is! She’s debunking urine therapy!

JAMES: Then how come you closed it after I came in here?

GARRISON: Because I can’t watch it as long as you’re using my computer.

JAMES: You can still leave it open. What, are you watching porn?

GARRISON: That’s not what it is!

JAMES: Uh-huh. Sure! After I’m done printing my homework, you can keep watching your piss fetish video.

GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!

"The Cat Who Robbed a Bank" by Lilian Jackson Braun

BOOK TITLE: The Cat Who Robbed a Bank

AUTHOR: Lilian Jackson Braun

YEAR: 2000

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Cozy Mystery

GRADE: Pass

Jim “Q” Qwilleran and his Siamese kitties Koko and Yum Yum are thrust into another mystery when a jewelry dealer winds up dead in a hotel room and the salesman’s assistant as well as a local Highland Games athlete go missing shortly after. Koko, being the psychic kitty he is, drops little hints in front of Q that could be mistaken for hyperactive playing. The closer Q gets to solving this case, the more he realizes that Koko really is a genius and that even the strangest clues can pan out from time to time.

I’ve been a reader of Lilian Jackson Braun’s “Cat Who” books since the early 2010’s. Every time I read one of these novels, the tropes she relies on become more and more apparent. The small town atmosphere, local gossiping, and constant lunch and dinner dates are just small examples. Others include the G-rated way in which the dead meet their fates, the townsfolk’s love of ancient literature, the typical elderly hobbies such as silhouette cutting and wood turning, and the relaxed sense of urgency when these mysteries move along. I believe it’s safe to say that if you’ve read one Cat Who book, you’ve read them all.

And yet I keep going back to them because of their relaxing nature and light reading material. This is especially comforting whenever it’s raining or otherwise cold outside. Just snuggle up with your favorite kitty and wrap yourself in a blanket for a nice afternoon or evening of easy reading. Notice how I’m using themes of comfort and relaxation with these books rather than boredom. You can be chilled out and still have lots of fun reading whatever it is you’re reading. Think of it as being like getting a chair massage with new age music playing in the background. After you’ve had your low-key fun for the day, snuggle in bed and take a nice long nap with the rain tapping on your window.

If you want to read something nice and pleasant with a double dose of feline sweetness, look no further than “The Cat Who Robbed a Bank”, or any other Cat Who book for that matter. Ms. Braun has left behind a legacy of lovability with this series alone. Yes, she had a nagging tendency to tell instead of show, but if you’re patient, it won’t matter after you’ve delved far enough into the easy-paced mystery. Easy on the eyes, easy on the soul, easy on your warm toasty kitty-loving heart. A passing grade not only for this particular book, but for the series as a whole.

Taking Criticism: Defense vs. Surrender

***TAKING CRITICISM: DEFENSE VS. SURRENDER***

Taking criticism is something all authors have to do whether it’s constructive advice from a friend or an all out assault from a complete stranger. I’ve seen my fair share of both since I got serious about writing in 2001. Developing a thick skin isn’t always easy. It’s not something ready-made or even something you’re born with. But regardless of whether you’ve got paper skin or a suit of steel armor, there comes a time in every author’s career when he has to decide: is this piece of literature worth defending or should it be surrendered to the critics? The trick here is to find a balance between defense and surrender; it can never be all or nothing.

I know this, because throughout the 2000’s when I was wild and young, I would defend everything I wrote. Everything! It didn’t matter if it was good or bad, offensive or sterile, first draft or multiple, I had a huge enough ego to believe that everything I wrote turned to gold. Whenever somebody online would tear down my walls, I built them back up ten times stronger. In my mind, because I had the first amendment on my side, I never had to apologize for anything I wrote and I was absolved of all guilt. And then December 27^th, 2009 rolled along and a small army of angry Deviant Art members logged on to tell me how ageist an essay I wrote called “Class of ‘13” was, where I absentmindedly labeled high school students a bunch of text-messaging queens. I fought valiantly against this small army, but ultimately decided ageism against the youth wasn’t worth defending, so now Class of ’13 is gone from my Deviant Art gallery. To this day, I still take issue with people who blame millennials for everything wrong with the world.

And then came the 2010’s and I found myself doing a lot more surrendering than defending. I don’t know if that 2009 experience jolted something inside me or if maturity kicked in, but it’s like my dad once said about me: I’m friends with everyone. It’s true. I value friendship and growth so much that I purposefully tiptoe around delicate issues. That’s why in 2014 when I wrote an erotic kidnapping short story called “Tainted Love”, I took it down days later when it received criticism for being sexist (even though one person said it was steamy and hot). Because I took the calm and collected approach, I found my friendships still intact and I’m still a long and strong member of the WSS, which I take a lot of pride in.

While turning the other cheek will keep you out of trouble and out of the crosshairs of angry keyboard warriors, you can’t take that attitude with everything you write. If you whitewashed the offensiveness out of everything you wrote, you’d have a whole lot of nothing in your repertoire. It’s like that Face Book meme once said: it’s better to write for yourself and have no public than write for the public and have no self. For a guy who preaches individuality and nonconformity in almost all of my poetry, I sure do curl up in the corner when the heat gets hot. That’s not a good strategy for someone who wants success in the writing industry.

I know this, because one of my novel ideas is currently on hold due to it potentially being rejected by the websites I plan on posting it on. It’s called Puberty X Piracy and it’s an urban fantasy story about a teenager who uses and distributes online porn. On one hand, I could defend this as something that’s personal to me since I like a good wank too. On the other hand, writing this novel could be grounds for termination from whatever social media sites I’m using because of its explicit themes of masturbation, actual sex, and male genital mutilation. Of course, I don’t necessarily have to post these chapters on social media, but it’d be nice to get something out there that didn’t result in catastrophe.

I said before that the key to surviving life as an author is knowing the difference between what is defensible and what needs to be surrendered. I tried defending everything in the 2000’s and it ended horribly. It’s the 2010’s and I’m surrendering everything, but there’s a good chance somebody might like the things I’m surrendering. Which one’s worse: being a dick or missing opportunities? I’d like to think that’s an easy question, but at some point, I have to start sticking up for myself. I just can’t tell the difference between when it’s necessary and when it isn’t.

A common litmus test for this debate is to gage how many people agree or disagree with the piece of literature in question, but that’s not always accurate. There are people who love the shit out of Fifty Shades of Grey and despite the hell out of Winnie the Pooh. Yes, folks, there are people who fucking hate Winnie the Pooh. And Tigger. And Piglet. There are also people who wouldn’t mind sucking on a “Christian Grey flavored popsicle”, whatever the fuck that is. Like I said: write for yourself, not the public. There are people in this world who still think the earth is flat. I may surrender a lot of my talking points, but I refuse to hand the keys of the kingdom to a bunch of flat-earthers. It’s round, motherfuckers! It’s round!

If popularity is a bad litmus test for defensiveness vs. surrender, what’s a good one? That’s a question I don’t have the answer for. I’m 32 years old and celebrating my 16^th year as a semi-professional author, yet I’m no closer to tapping into that particular piece of wisdom. I know I’m shouting into the abyss when I post these blog entries, but I’m still shouting, damn it. If any of my readers have the slightest inkling as to what the answer could be, let me know and I’ll take it into consideration. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***AMERICAN DARKNESS 3***

Until I become fully committed to Puberty X Piracy, I’m going to start working on the third installment of American Darkness a.k.a. the series of stories that once made Andy Peloquin exclaim, “DARK SHIT!” I have fifty-two story ideas in this particular volume, but all I need is fifty and I’m going to go down the list alphabetically. That means the first story to go in this book will be…slightly less dark than the others. Probably not the best way to start a book with darkness in the title, but it starts with an A, so suck it. It’s called “Adorably Clueless” and it goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1. Billy Mann, College Librarian
2. Mia Rodriguez, Flirty Customer
3. Dottie Jackson, Billy’s Coworker

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Billy has gone through his entire life without experiencing romance and is feeling lonely and sad because of it. One day at the college library, Billy checks out a few books to Mia, who unbeknown to him was flirting with him the entire time. When Mia walks away, Dottie giggles at Billy and calls him “adorably clueless” when it comes to his social awkwardness and inability to detect flirtation. With the college’s “Second Chance Prom” coming up in a few weeks, Billy has to get his act together if he wants to capitalize on this almost missed opportunity.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Because my next first draft book will be a collection of modern day dramas, the number of characters from the fantasy genre I have left to draw are limited to two: Debra Lynch (elf rogue) and Johnny De Morgan (human busker), both of them from the final Poison Tongue Tales 2 story “Street Sleeper”. If I really want to continue drawing these characters, I’ll have to find another source other than stories I’ve already written.

***THE CAT WHO ROBBED A BANK***

I’ve been a Lilian Jackson Braun fan since I became a born-again reader in 2009. I’ve given all of her books passing grades for their light material and cute kitties. This one will be no different, though you’re probably asking why I keep reading these “Cat Who” books if they’re so predictable. That’s basically like asking why I keep buying CD’s of a certain band if they do the same kind of music: because I fucking like them! If you like something, don’t question or pick away at it. Don’t surrender that shit to anybody with ignorant questions. See what I did there?

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call a blacksmith who likes butt sex?

A: Forge packer.

***POST-SCRIPT***

Just in case there’s any confusion, no, I won’t surrender that joke either.

Old Animals

***OLD ANIMALS***

With winter rapidly approaching, it’s important for animals to have a nice warm place to call home so that they don’t freeze their little tootsies off. Pet shelters always have a large influx of animals coming in that have either been surrendered by a previous owner or living on the streets. Everyone needs a furry friend to give them comfort and love during these chilly times. When you eventually do adopt an animal (adopt, don’t shop), please consider taking in an elderly critter that has probably been at the shelter for a long time.

I know the most common argument against adopting an older animal is that they don’t live long and the new owner’s heart will break easily when the little guy passes. But that’s precisely why these animals need a new place to live: their final years on earth should be happy ones instead of lonely ones. Lots of pettings, lots of naps, and lots of love: that’s what elderly animals need, not loneliness.

Another common argument against adopting senior animals is that they could potentially be hard to take care of due to medical problems or messy behavior. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Most elderly animals just want to lie around and rest their aching bones, so you don’t have to worry about them playing with things they shouldn’t be playing with. As far as medical bills go, that’s a constant no matter what age the animal is. Younger cats have to be fixed so that they don’t reproduce easily. Some of them are so young that they’re not housetrained yet. Housetraining can be a long and arduous process, but you don’t have to worry about that with an experienced cat or dog.

That’s not to say that young animals don’t deserve love, because they certainly do. Animals of all age groups need a warm home to call their own. The point of this blog entry is to not turn away older animals so easily because of the stigmas against them. A furry friend is a furry friend no matter how far into their twilight years they are.

What some of those old doggies would do for a puppiccino right now. A puppiccino is basically just a Starbucks cup filled with whipped cream and nothing more. Dogs loved whipped cream! You know what else they love? Plain double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s without the bun. I once read a nonfiction book about a library cat named Dewey who used to eat Arby’s cheddar roasts during his senior years. These are just small examples of what an elderly animal’s final years could look like if they lived in a happy home. Knowing you gave happy moments to an old animal will ease some of the pain of loss when their time eventually comes. It will still hurt like hell, but love conquers all in the end. So do fond memories.

To use an example from my own life, I currently have an elderly brown kitty named Smokey who spends most of her time napping on my bed. She’s the laziest animal we have, but also the most relaxed and peaceful. Cats don’t get to be nineteen years old by being stressed out all the time. It’s hard for Smokey to feel stressed when she’s getting pettings, love, and Temptations kitty treats on a daily basis. I love the sound of her purring in my ear when I lay next to her. She’s a sweet and dear kitty who brings me happiness every day that she’s alive. When her time comes to cross the Rainbow Bridge, I’ll miss her dearly, but I’ll also be grateful for every memory she’s given me.

Elderly animals need love just as much as their young counterparts. They’re every bit as sweet and snuggly, every bit as cute and cuddly, and a proud and loyal member of your family. Adopting a senior kitty or puppy will be a decision you’ll never regret. You could have your very own Smokey-Pokey for the price of an adoption fee. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***THE CAT WHO ROBBED A BANK***

Speaking of sweet and cuddly animals, the next book I’m going to read and review is another classic from Lilian Jackson Braun’s “Cat Who” series. If I can be honest for a moment, before I started working with Marie Krepps, I’ve been blind to the fact that Ms. Braun does more telling than showing in her novels. There have been times when I considered giving one of her books a mixed grade (three stars). But then the grade improves when I realize how relaxing and laidback reading her books can be, especially on a rainy day like today. According to Good Reads’ math, I’m 20% finished with the book and it’s a light read, so I’ll probably be done with it sooner rather than later.

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

I’ll tell you what’s not sweet and cuddly: hardcore violence with a dark fantasy backdrop. That’s what you’re going to get with the second to last story to be written for this series: “King of Elves and Trees”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Saito Kabaka, Elf Samurai

2.      Tifa Croft, Elf Assassin

3.      Rudiger Seran, Giant Lumberjack

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: Rudiger and his team of lumberjacks have been independently contracted to cut down trees in The Black Forest. To protect their forest home, Saito and Tifa slaughter lumberjacks left and right, but meet their biggest challenge when the eight-foot tall Rudiger swings his oversized axe like a madman. The battle becomes even fiercer when Rudiger’s axe ignites into magical fire.

FUN FACT: The title of this story is a lyric from the Within Temptation song “In Perfect Harmony”, though the story itself is nowhere near as peaceful as the song.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Because there’s a new story on the horizon, there are going to be some new drawings as well. There won’t be one of Rudiger Seran, because I already drew a picture of him back in 2014 when he was originally a character from my now defunct first draft novel “Fireball Nightmare”. He’s the one who looks like the Big Show from WWE with a chain mail singlet and a big ass battleaxe. He’s also one of the grayscale characters I drew before I purchased colored pencils from Amazon in February 2016. With Rudiger stricken from the list, that just leaves Tifa Croft (guess how I got that name) and Saito Kabaka. I believe I’ll draw Saito first and then Tifa. Sound good?

***WRESTLING DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

JOHN CENA: You came out here with your fly unzipped.

ROMAN REIGNS: I busted it open. I’m the Big Dog.

JOHN CENA: Actually, I was looking to see where your balls were, but you don’t have any.

ROMAN REIGNS: Yeah, you would look for those.

"The Cat Who Talked to Ghosts" by Lilian Jackson Braun

BOOK TITLE: The Cat Who Talked to Ghosts

AUTHOR: Lilian Jackson Braun

YEAR: 1990

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Cozy Mystery

GRADE: Pass

After a series of mysterious events cause a museum owner named Iris Cobb to have a heart attack, Jim “Qwill” Qwilleran and his two Siamese cats Koko and Yum-Yum move into the office to try to solve her indirect murder. As the mystery progresses, Qwill uncovers a conspiracy almost a century in the making that involves a lynching of a mine tycoon that could be interpreted as either suicide or murder depending on who’s talking. The two deaths don’t seem connected at first, but Qwill begins to wonder as he digs deeper. In between tracking clues and interviewing suspects and witnesses, Qwill likes to unwind by having dinner at fancy restaurants with his friends and snuggling up to his Siamese kitties. Downtime is the detective’s best friend.

I’ve been a fan of Lilian Jackson Braun for a long time. Having said that, I’ve never noticed until after reading this book how much she tends to tell instead of show. All this time, I’ve modeled my own writing style off of someone with an almost minimalist approach to descriptive writing. However, what’s stopping me from giving this book a mixed grade instead of a passing one is the fact that the writing style was by design. These “Cat Who” books are considered light reading and easy on the eyes with a smooth pace. Sometimes descriptive language has to be sacrificed to achieve such mellow reading. I can accept that. Therefore, this paragraph isn’t really a criticism, because I enjoy a relaxing book every now and then.

The mystery in this book is one that is well constructed, probably the best one I’ve read in the “Cat Who” series so far. Though this is mostly a G-rated mystery, the deaths and violence that do take place will leave a lasting impression and will give a greater urgency for the crimes to be solved. This isn’t about fingerprint taking and crime lab work. This is about researching a conspiracy that goes back to the early 1900’s and how it connects with the mystery of the present time. Without the extensive interviews and reading, this case probably would have gotten cold. While I won’t give away the results of the mystery, I will tell you that you can expect some serious homework to be done on the part of Qwill.

And of course, what would a “Cat Who” mystery be without, you guessed it, kitties? Koko is such an inquisitive little feline who always plays a pivotal role in solving even the coldest of crimes. Yum Yum is a cutie pie who loves to roll around and play with everyone. Qwill’s girlfriend, Polly Duncan, even has a tiny little ball of fur named Bootsie, who has more energy in one leap than athletic runners have in a whole sprint. There’s even a scene where Bootsie digs his claws so deep into Qwill’s back that he needs help prying the little guy off. But at the end of the day, all three kitties are worthy of eating a well-cooked meatloaf, turkey sandwich, ribeye steak, or whatever Qwill happens to bring home from his favorite restaurants.

Another Lilian Jackson Braun mystery is in the books, pun definitely intended. We’ve got a smooth, gentle pace, smooth, gentle kitties, and a main character with a smooth, gentle disposition (even during moments of grumpiness). If you want something light to read that won’t put too much strain on your eyeballs, I suggest grabbing a copy of “The Cat Who Talked to Ghosts”. Relax in your favorite easy chair, grab a kitty, and start reading!

"The Cat Who Went Bananas" by Lilian Jackson Braun

Something else you can expect from a Lilian Jackson Braun book is nonlinear progression. In the case of “The Cat Who Went Bananas”, there are a whole bunch of different things going on as the story advances. Koko and Yum-Yum getting fed, petted, and loved is always a staple of these cozy mysteries, otherwise it wouldn’t be called “The Cat Who…”. And then you have Jim Qwilleran’s orders from his doctor to eat more bananas. The slipping on a banana peel gag becomes very important midway through the story, so pay attention. And then you have Polly Duncan, Qwill’s best friend, becoming emotionally distant ever since turning her library into a bookstore. There’s also an Oscar Wilde play being performed at the Theater Arts auditorium, which attracts the attention of a lady-killer named Alden Wade. Of course, this story would be incomplete if it wasn’t for Qwill being asked to write a story about the Hibbard House, a beat up old mansion that survived many generations despite burning to the ground several times. With all of these things being mixed into one nonlinear story, you’re probably asking yourself when the actual mystery begins. It all starts when Ronnie, an actor for the Oscar Wilde play, gets into a car accident on his way to town. When the medical examiner did the autopsy on him, they found that he was on drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t in Ronnie’s nature to do those kinds of things to his own body, so the plot definitely thickens here. If you need somebody to suspect, try Alden Wade. When he visits Qwill’s house, Koko immediately dislikes him and expresses his hatred with hisses and death howls. Remember when I said that the slipping on a banana peel gag would become important? Well, it turns out that Koko planted that banana peel in the right place at the right time so that Alden Wade would slip and tumble. I won’t tell you why you should be suspicious of him. You’ll just have to buy a copy of this cute and cuddly book to find out. With Koko, Yum-Yum, a marmalade kitty with “magical eyes” named Dundee, a precious pile of fluff named Jet Stream, and a saggy jowled puppy-duppy named Tasso, even the most brutal mystery can be a warm, fuzzy, snuggly read. Not that this one is brutal, but you get the picture. I hope.

　

***FACEBOOK MEME OF THE DAY***

Twenty years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!

"The Cat Who Tailed a Thief" by Lilian Jackson Braun

It’d be cliché to say that Lilian Jackson Braun does it again, but guess what? Lilian Jackson Braun does it again with “The Cat Who Tailed a Thief”. Judging from this book and “The Cat Who Talked Turkey”, a couple of things about this series of novels are true. One, there’s always reason to suspect the most annoying character in the book. Two, if something needs to be talked about, it will be done over lunch at a restaurant or a bottle of scotch in the main character’s home. And three, and this one goes without saying: KITTIES!! Two Siamese babies named Koko and Yum-Yum will always be there to rub against someone’s ankles and make the reader feel like he’s got a sleeping animal pie on his lap. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why these books are called “cozy mysteries”, because they take place in a small town where everybody knows each other and they make great reading during those lazy afternoons when nothing is on TV and you’ve got animals all around you like Noah’s Ark. You want to talk about being left in “aww” and wonder, that’s it, man. In the case of “The Cat Who Tailed a Thief”, the one character you need to watch out for is Danielle Carmichael, a fashionable diva who always seems to be annoyed with being in a small town, has been described as having a rusty gate voice, and is always hitting on Jim Qwilleran. Things begin to get extremely complicated by the presence of Danielle’s cousin, a home restoration nut named Carter Lee James, who instantly marries a rich widow and has his home restoration skills called into question after the projects never seem to get started. Oh, and did I mention there are two murders and a string of petty thefts in this mystery? It wouldn’t be complete if there wasn’t a crime to attach such suspicious people to. Sooner or later, your suspicions will be confirmed, but it’s all a matter of how and why instead of who, what, where, and when. This isn’t a game of Clue we’re talking about here, this is deep stuff. Nobody’s getting clonked on the head with a candlestick by Miss Scarlet. But in spite of all of these horrible things going on, you’ll still maintain your coziness in the comfort of your beddy-bye or easy chair, compliments of the late great Lilan Jackson Braun.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: Where do rabbits go when they’re sick?
A: Urgent Carrot.

"The Cat Who Talked Turkey" by Lilian Jackson Braun

Jim Qwilleran has a lot on his plate in “The Cat Who Talked Turkey”. A man mysteriously dies on his property all while Qwill tries to write a radio drama about the Storm of 1913 on top of writing articles in the newspaper about recent events such as the building of a new library and the Scottish celebration in the neighboring town of Brr. How does he juggle all of these elements into his own personal narrative? With the help of his two Siamese kitty babies, Koko and Yum-Yum. Cats always give their owners comfort and coziness, especially in times of nervousness and high energy. A simple stroke along the kitty’s soft, fluffy fur can bring about feelings of joy comparable to the same kitty’s gentle purr. But Koko and Yum-Yum aren’t just comfort animals. They’re very helpful to Qwilleran when he needs a mystery to be solved. Koko is extremely intuitive when it comes to detecting the ill intentions of the people that Qwill involves himself with. If Koko likes the person, he’ll emit a gentle meow and maybe even a few purrs that are as loud as a lawnmower. If he senses foul play, he’ll emit one of his famous “death howls” along with his evil-sounding hisses. Qwill often wonders if Koko has psychic abilities or if he just has a lot of empathy for people. Yum-Yum plays the part of the affectionate and flirty kitty. She’s always rubbing her head against the guests’ ankles and even untying their shoes for them. She loves to bat around small objects, her favorite one in this particular story being a metal thimble. Yum-Yum can be just as intuitive as Koko, but gets too nervous to spring into action like her older brother normally does. Together, Koko and Yum-Yum bring joy and happiness not only to the lives of Qwill and his friends, but also to the reader. Despite the multiple murders that take place in this story, they’re not enough to keep the reader from wanting to snuggle the two kitties in his arms and hold them on his lap. Belly rubs and gentle ear massages for Koko and Yum-Yum! Because of the coziness and happiness these “Cat Who…” books bring about, I could easily go through the whole series without missing a beat. It’s what Lilian Jackson Braun would have wanted: for the two little animal babies to be remembered for bringing joy into people‘s lives. May Ms. Braun rest in peace.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“An art thief is someone who takes pictures.”

-George Carlin-