Good Reads Book Tag

***GOOD READS BOOK TAG***

Q: What was the last book you marked as read?

A: “The Golden Bell” by Aurora Styles. I gave four out of five stars to this deliciously dark fairytale.

Q: What are you currently reading?

A: “Catch-22” by Joseph Heller. Actually, I haven’t started it yet, but I will eventually. My dad recommended this one to me since it’s supposed to be relevant to today’s world.

Q: What was the last book you marked as “to be read”?

A: “Eve: The Awakening” by Jenna Moreci. I purchased it on Amazon using a gift card that I won in a Halloween costume contest. I was a member of Slipknot for Halloween.

Q: What book do you plan to read next?
A: A randomly selected graphic novel. I always select my next book at random so that all of them in my collection have an equal chance of being paid attention to. It’s not fair just to read new books all the time. First I select a fictional book, then a graphic novel, then a nonfiction book. And then the cycle repeats itself until I have no more books (yeah, right!).

Q: Do you use the star rating system?

A: I do, but I give the grades my own names. Five stars is Extra Credit, four stars is Pass, three stars is Mixed, two stars is Fail, and one star is Zero Credit.

Q: Are you doing a reading challenge?

A: No. I’m a slow reader and it’s a long time between sessions, so I wouldn’t be able to set those goals for myself.

Q: Do you have a wish list?

A: Yes. These are the items on it:

1. “(Never) Land” by Jenna Streety
2. “A Is For Alibi” by Sue Grafton
3. “Absolute Power” by David Baldacci
4. “Absolutely Remarkable Thing, An” by Hank Green
5. “Adam Copeland on Edge” by Adam Copeland
6. “Adventures of Tanner the Tenacious Terrier, The” by Scott Berry
7. “Aeon Legion: Labyrinth” by J.P. Beaubien
8. “Almost Home” by Damien Echols
9. “Almost Live! The Show That Wouldn’t Die” by Bryan Johnston
10. “Alpha Drive, The” by Kristen Martin
11. “America 51” by Corey Taylor
12. “Apocrypha: The Legend of Babymetal” by The Prophet of the Fox God
13. “Are We There Yet?” by Robert Caprio
14. “Awkward” by Ty Tashiro
15. “Batista Unleashed” by Dave Batista
16. “Batman: The Killing Joke” by Alan Moore
17. “Beastie Boys Book” by Adam Horovitz and Michael Diamond
18. “Beautiful Boy” by David Sheff
19. “Being Jazz” by Jazz Jennings
20. “Best Seat in the House” by Justin Roberts
21. “Blackbirds” by Chuck Wendig
22. “Blacksad” by Juan Diaz Canales
23. “Blood and Water” by Briana Morgan
24. “BloodGifted” by Tima Maria Lacoba
25. “Book of Booty, The” by Big E, Xavier Woods, and Kofi Kingston
26. “Brutal Youth” by Anthony Breznican
27. “Bum Deal, A” by Rufus Hannah
28. “Butters Comes Home” by Claudette Melanson
29. “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” by Lee Israel
30. “Cat Who Could Read Backwards, The” by Lilian Jackson Braun
31. “Clover” by Moxie Darling
32. “Controversy Creates Cash” by Eric Bischoff
33. “Crazy Is My Superpower” by AJ Mendez-Brooks
34. “Crazy Like a Fox” by Liam O’Rourke
35. “Dark Visions” by Jonas Saul
36. “Dead and Kicking” by Lisa Emme
37. “Death and Other Dances” by Carla Harvey
38. “Death Punch’d” by Jeremy Spencer
39. “Deceived” by Brett Battles
40. “Deep Link, The” by Veronica Sicoe
41. “Deer Woman: An Anthology” by Elizabeth Lapensee and Weshoyot Alvitre
42. “Demon Knights, Vols. 1 to 3” by Paul Cornell
43. “Demon Within” by Julie Nicholls
44. “Development Hell: The NXT Story” by Michael Sidgwick
45. “Diary of a Teenage Girl” by Phoebe Gloeckner
46. “Dietland” by Sarai Walker
47. “Disobedience” by Naomi Alderman
48. “Dog’s Purpose, A” by W. Bruce Cameron
49. “Down the Rabbit Hole” by Holly Madison
50. “Dying Machine, A” by Mark Tremonti
51. “Eggshells” by Caitriona Lally
52. “Elysian Prophecy, The” by Vivien Reis
53. “Evalene’s Number” by Bethany Atazadeh
54. “Execution in the Family, An” by Robert Meeropol
55. “Fangirl” by Rainbow Rowell
56. “Feels Like Forever” by K.L. Cottrell
57. “Fifth Season, The” by N.K. Jemisin
58. “First Fruits” by Amanda Carney
59. “First They Killed My Father” by Loung Ung
60. “Four Territories, The” by Steve Collier
61. “From Prison to Promise” by Booker T
62. “Gateway to the Past” by Andy Peloquin
63. “Ghostly Writes Anthology 2016” by Multiple Authors
64. “Girl Out of Water” by Laura Silverman
65. “Girls In White Dresses” by Alex Gates
66. “Glass Castle, The” by Jeannette Walls
67. “Grappler” by Lynn Denton
68. “Gravity Rising” by Evie Driver (2019)
69. “Guardians, The” by Gina Moray
70. “Gun Seller, The” by Hugh Laurie
71. “Happy!” by Grant Morrison
72. “Harmony” by Carolyn Parkhurst
73. “Hate U Give, The” by Angie Thomas
74. “Haunting Hour” by RL Stine
75. “Heart of Thorns” by Bree Barton
76. “Heat Wave” by Richard Castle
77. “Here Comes Trouble” by Michael Moore
78. “Homegrown Democrat” by Garrison Keillor
79. “Hot Blood” series
80. “How Maxwell Grover Stole My House” by C.E. Vance
81. “How Wrestling Should Book Book, The, Vol. 1 and 2” by Adam Blampied
82. “I Am Not a Serial Killer” by Dan Wells
83. “I Am, I Am, I Am” by Maggie O’Farrell
84. “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark” by Michelle McNamara
85. “If They Only Knew” by Chyna
86. “In Search of Us” by Ava Dellaira
87. “In the Presence of Knowing” by Valarie Savage Kinney
88. “In Times of Violence” by Karina Kantas
89. “Jade” by Rose Montague
90. “Journey into Darkness” by Michael Chiappetta
91. “Kayfabe” by Sean Oliver
92. “Killing My Insomnia” by Igor Cavalera
93. “Kind of Like Life” by Christina McMullen
94. “Kiss Quotient, The” by Helen Hoang
95. “Law and Disorder” by Mike Papantonio
96. “Liberal Redneck Manifesto, The” by Trae Crowder, Drew Morgan, and Corey Ryan Forrester
97. “Life of a Children’s Troubadour, The” by Raffi Cavoukian
98. “Lights, Camera, Game Over” by Luke Owen
99. “Lion Called Christian, A” by Anthony Bourke
100. “Little Birds” by Hannah Lee Kidder
101. “Long Hard Road Out of Hell” by Marilyn Manson
102. “Looking at the Lights” by Pete Gas
103. “Looking For Alaska” by John Green
104. “Lost Girls” by Alan Moore
105. “Love Beyond Body, Space, and Time” by Hope Nicholson
106. “Loving Day” by Mat Johnson
107. “Magic Resistant” by Veronica Del Rosa
108. “Magic-Price” by C.L. Schneider
109. “Mapping the Interior” by Stephen Graham Jones
110. “Marco Hietala: Stainless” by Timo Kangasluoma (English)
111. “Mark of the Beast” by Trevor Wooten
112. “Marrow Thieves, The” by Cherie Dimaline
113. “Melabeth the Vampire” by E.B. Hood
114. “Memento Mori” by Muriel Spark
115. “Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life” by James Patterson
116. “More, Now, Again” by Elizabeth Wurtzel
117. “Mouth For War” by Phil Anselmo
118. “My Friend Dahmer” by Derf Backderf
119. “My Life” by David Jason
120. “NCIS: New Orleans: Crossroads” by Jeff Mariotte
121. “New York Trilogy, The” by Paul Auster
122. “No Is a Four-Letter Word” by Chris Jericho
123. “Norma Jean’s School of Witchery, Book One” by Rose Montague
124. “NXT: The Future Is Now” by Jon Robinson
125. “Officer Downe” by Joe Casey
126. “Official Truth 101 Proof” by Rex Brown
127. “Olympian Confessions: Hades and Persephone” by Erin Kinsella
128. “On a LARP” by Stefani Deoul
129. “Once a Crooked Man” by David McCallum
130. “One Left Behind, The: Magic” by Shakyra Dunn
131. “One Snowy Night” by Various Authors
132. “Pale Blue Dot” by Carl Sagan
133. “Pawper to Pedigree” by Angel M.
134. “Perfect Union of Contrary Things, A” by Maynard James Keenan
135. “Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater” by Michael J. Elliott
136. “Playing with Fire” by Lawrence O’Donnell
137. “Pleasure of My Company” by Steve Martin
138. “Pretty Guilty” by K.L. Cottrell
139. “Princess Alexia and the Dragon” by K. Meador
140. “PROX Transmissions, The” by Dustin Bates
141. “Punch Happy” by Lux Alani
142. “Rabbit Joke, The” by Paul White
143. “Red Queen” by Victoria Aveyard
144. “Resfeber” by Kelly Damon
145. “Rise of the Warrior Cop” by Radley Balko
146. “Rise: How a House Built a Family” by Cara Brookins
147. “Road to Jonestown, The” by Jeff Guinn
148. “Robopocalypse” by Daniel Wilson
149. “Roger Waters: The Man Behind the Wall” by Dave Thompson
150. “Room” by Emma Donoghue
151. “Rowdy” by Ariel Toombs and Colton Toombs
152. “Saint Mick” by Mick Foley
153. “Satan Speaks!” by Anton LaVey
154. “Scalped” series by Jason Aaron
155. “Scarlet Woods” by Brooke Passmore
156. “Second Nature” by Ric Flair and Charlotte Flair
157. “Sein Language” by Jerry Seinfeld
158. “Seven Deadly Sins” by Corey Taylor
159. “Sex, Drugs, and Opera” by Roland Orzabal
160. “Shadowlaw” by Brandon Easton
161. “She’s Not Here” by Mandi Lynn
162. “Shit My Dad Says” by Justin Halpern
163. “Silent Bob Speaks” by Kevin Smith
164. “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda” by Becky Albertalli
165. “Siren Slave” by Aurora Styles
166. “Slobberknocker” by Jim Ross
167. “Soul of It All” by Michael Bolton
168. “Springfield Confidential” by Mike Reiss
169. “Squared Circle” by David Shoemaker
170. “Squirm” by Carl Hiaasen
171. “Stolen” by Lucy Christopher
172. “Story Genius” by Lisa Cron
173. “Story of the Streets, The” by Mike Skinner
174. “Sweet Vengeance” by Aliya DalRae
175. “Sword of Ruyn” by R.G. Long
176. “Sword of Shannara, The” by Terry Brooks
177. “System of a Down: Right Here in Hollywood” by Ben Myers
178. “Take the Cannoli” by Sarah Vowell
179. “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” by Jenny Han
180. “To Nowhere” by C.E. Wilson
181. “Toast” by Adam Blampied
182. “Tome of the Undergates” by Sam Sykes
183. “Toxic Avenger, The” by Lloyd Kaufman
184. “Tricked” by Alex Robinson
185. “True Fiction” by Lee Goldberg
186. “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Green
187. “Undertaker” by Chad Dundas
188. “Upside of Unrequited, The” by Becky Albertalli
189. “VG Heroes” by Jason Delfino and Carlos Malbrew
190. “Walking a Golden Mile” by William Regal
191. “Way of Spears” by Natalia Leigh
192. “What If It’s Us?” by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera
193. “Why Young Men” by Jamil Jivani
194. “Win By Submission” by Melynda Price
195. “Worlds with Ruby” by CP Cabaniss
196. “Worst Person in the World” by Keith Olbermann
197. “Y: The Last Man” by Brian K. Vaughan
198. “Yaqui Delgado Wants to Kick Your Ass” by Meg Medina
199. “Yummy” by Greg Neri

Q: What book do you plan to buy next?
A: “Little Birds” by Hannah Lee Kidder. She’s an absolute joy to watch on You Tube whether she’s giving writing advice, doing book tags, or reviewing bad movies.

Q: Do you have any favorite quotes?

A: “In Joe Pickett’s experience, the man who talked the most had the least to say.” That’s from “Open Season” by CJ Box.

Q: Who are your favorite authors?

A: Jenna Moreci, Stephen Chbosky, Susan Cain, Carl Hiaasen, Lilian Jackson Braun, and Brett Battles to name a few.

Q: Have you joined any groups?

A: The only one I’m currently a part of is Weekly Short Story Contests and Company.  Every week, there’s a friendly competition to see who wrote the best short story or poem based on a one or two-word prompt. No prizes, it’s just for motivation and fun. Some of my best writing was produced in this group and I’m thankful to have been a part of the WSS as it’s called.

I tag…anybody who feels like doing this. I won’t pull a gun on you or anything like that. Hell, you might not even have a Good Reads account.

You're Not Good Enough Book Tag

***YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BOOK TAG***

The only reason why I know this tag exists is because Lily C Reads did a You Tube video of it two years ago. It looked like a shit ton of fun and Lily is a funny motherfucker in this video, so I figured I should do this tag too. The rules are simple: create a roster of thirty book characters of your choosing and randomly choose two of them to answer each of the fifteen questions. Are you ready? I know I am!

1. You only have one more spot on your Spelling Bee team, who would you pick to complete your team?

Options: Rick Hunter (Robotech) or Charlie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)

Choice: Two guys who can’t figure out their love lives, but only one of them takes an interest in writing and literature. This one’s easy: Charlie. Although, I might change my mind if one of the words is Zentradae (even I don’t know how to spell that).

2. Both characters want to kill you, which one would you kill first so you have a better chance of surviving?

Options: Julie (Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion) or Deckard Cain (Diablo series)

Choice: Julie is a tried and true survivalist and Deckard Cain is an old man with bad joints. Hmm…which one is the greater threat to me? Sorry, Julie, but you’re taking the dirt nap tonight. My dead cat Smokey is a bigger threat to me than Deckard Cain ever will be.

3. You’re on the bachelor/bachelorette and you’re down to these two characters, which one are you going to give your rose too?

Options: Ava Bigtree (Swamplandia by Karen Russell) or The Woman (The Woman by Jack Ketchum)

Choice: So basically, you’re asking me to choose between statutory rape and the possibility of getting my guts ripped out. Sorry, ladies, you two are on your own. I’d rather be forced to choose between death and unga-bunga (only to get killed via unga-bunga).

4. You’ve been chosen for the Hunger Games, who would most likely volunteer in your place?

Options: Skink (Carl Hiaasen’s books) or Batman

Choice: This one’s a tough call since they’re both certified badasses and can rip an opponent to shreds within seconds. Ultimately, I’ll have to go with Skink since he’s used to survivalist scenarios, ergo why he lives out in the woods in Florida wearing just a shower cap and a raincoat.

5. You’re stranded on an island. Which character would you sacrifice to engage in cannibalism?

Options: Abby Abernathy (Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire) or Christian Grey (Fifty Shades of Grey)

Choice: The sexual overtones in this question and its choices are more obvious than a boner on the subway. But since Christian Grey has more muscle on his body, his sacrifice will last longer, so I’m going to choose him. Plus, he’s a grade A douche, so nobody will miss him.

6. You’re the next DC/Marvel superhero (with your own tv show of course), who is your sidekick?

Options: Anastasia Steele (Fifty Shades of Grey) or Peeta Mellark (The Hunger Games)

Choice: This one’s a no-brainer if I ever saw one. I’m going with Peeta the ass-kicking machine. If I went with Anastasia, it’s basically giving my opponents a license to shoot me. I think I’d rather be tortured by a supervillain than listen to Ana’s whining throughout our demise.

7. You’re a manager of an Avocado admiring company, who would you fire for lack of communication skills?

Options: Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat) or Tulip O’Haire (Preacher)

Choice: I’m being asked to choose between two badass women who would cut me from asshole to appetite if I crossed them. But as far as communication skills go, I’d cut Sonya from the team since Tulip has a way with raunchy dialogue. I need all the swear words I can muster up if I’m going to admire avocado.

8. You’ve just finished a book in which your favorite character dies, which character is most likely to comfort you?

Options: Margo Roth Spiegelman (Paper Towns by John Green) or Kick-Ass

Choice: Kick-Ass would probably tell me to suck it up and be a man, so he’d be of no help. The only way I could justify choosing Margo is if I can fucking find her, wherever she is. She kind of has a knack for making herself scarce when her friends need her the most. And even if you do find her…ugh…

9. Ugh, it’s high school. Who would most likely be part of the popular clique?

Options: Marlon Bundo (John Oliver and Jill Twiss’s version of A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo) or Twilight Lady (Watchmen)

Choice: Hmm…a gay rabbit or a seductive female pimp? Well, since popular cliques in high school tend to be more shallow minded, I’m giving the nod to Twilight Lady since she can hook up the horny teenagers with sex and fun. I’d actually fear for Marlon Bundo’s safety since popular kids love to bully LGBT students.

10. The day has arrived; you’re finally a year older! Who would have the nerve to forget your birthday?

Options: Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs) or Scorpion (Mortal Kombat)

Choice: Scorpion doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anybody’s birthdays since he’s too busy breathing fire on his opponents and sticking harpoons through their chests. I’m giving him the nod, obviously. At least with Clarice Starling, it’s forgivable if she forgets your birthday because she’s always busy catching criminals. Being a detective is stressful work.

11. You’ve just found an upcoming booktube star? Who would most likely be?

Options: Cherry Pye (Star Island by Carl Hiaasen) or Tobias Kaya (The Savior’s Champion by Jenna Moreci)

Choice: I’m not sure Cherry Pye even knows how to fucking read. She’s a dumbass pop star with a shallow point of view and no talent, so she doesn’t have much of a chance. Tobias, on the other hand, is a little more scholarly since he has a background as an artist. Plus, he’d be a hit with the female You Tube audience.

12. Sleepover time! Unfortunately you can only invite one person, who would you invite?

Options: Alex De Large (A Clockwork Orange) or Scout Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird)

Choice: So you’re asking me to sleep with either a serial rapist or a young child. No matter what I choose, somebody’s going to jail whether it’s me or Alex. I’m calling this one a draw so that I can spare myself the embarrassment.

13. Bam, you’re pregnant. Who’s the father/mother?

Options: Lisa Hayes (Robotech) or Rorschach (Watchmen)

Choice: If you give a child to Rorschach, you might as well schedule an abortion right now. He might not like that very much since he’s a rightwing nut job and a violent lunatic, but he’ll have to get over it. Lisa Hayes, on the other hand, is gentle enough to be a fitting mother. I think she might have actually had children with Rick Hunter in the Robotech canon, but I’m not sure.

14. You’ve just written a super important text. Who would ‘see’ it, but not reply?

Options: Yum Yum (Lilian Jackson Braun’s Cat Who book) or Sneaky Pie Brown (Rita Mae Brown’s books)

Choice: Both characters are cats, so it all boils down to who the bigger diva is and even then it’s a tough decision. This one’s another draw since they’d be too distracted by laser pens.

15. You’ve just woken up and it’s time for breakfast. Your mum’s been replaced by who?!

Options: Koko (Lilian Jackson Braun’s Cat Who books) or Sean King (David Baldacci’s King & Maxwell series)

Choice: Let’s see here? Who would make a better breakfast for me: a fucking cat or a human being with actual cooking skills? If I chose Koko, I’d probably have a dead bird or mouse served on a plate for me. With Sean King, I’d get eggs and bacon no problem. Let’s see…this is a tough one…

And just like that it’s over. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

(RE: Rachel Oates video)

JAMES: I’m telling Mom you’re watching a piss fetish video.

GARRISON: That’s not what it is! She’s debunking urine therapy!

JAMES: Then how come you closed it after I came in here?

GARRISON: Because I can’t watch it as long as you’re using my computer.

JAMES: You can still leave it open. What, are you watching porn?

GARRISON: That’s not what it is!

JAMES: Uh-huh. Sure! After I’m done printing my homework, you can keep watching your piss fetish video.

GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!

"Double Whammy" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Double Whammy

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 1987

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller

GRADE: Pass

In the always wacky state of Florida, RJ Decker is a private investigator trying to make ends meet and his latest assignment fetches a high price. He’s assigned by an arrogant sports fisherman named Dennis Gault to catch his rival Dickie Lockhart cheating in a high stakes fishing tournament. What seems like an easy assignment quickly escalates into a murder conspiracy involving a psychotic eco-terrorist, a seductive blackmailer, and a shady televangelist to name a few. Nobody is safe from this chaotic form of storytelling and that’s the way Carl Hiaasen likes it.

One thing I will always love about Mr. Hiaasen’s books is how reliable he is when it comes to delivering the goods. I haven’t read a bad Hiaasen book yet and Double Whammy is no exception to the rule. It’s especially refreshing to read considering a previous book I read from another author was so god awful that I couldn’t make it past the halfway mark. There are plenty of aspects to choose from when it comes to liking a Hiaasen book: extensive knowledge of the law, colorful characters, satisfying comeuppances, or just being hooked until the very end (not unlike the twenty-plus pound bass the fishermen in this tournament are trying to catch).

When it comes to colorful characters, there are none more colorful than Clinton Tyree a.k.a. Skink. This former governor of Florida wanted to run his state the honest way, which meant refusing money from special interest groups and never selling out his democratic beliefs. And then he was forced out of office by his corrupt opponents and went delightfully insane. Now a drifting eco-terrorist, he runs around in a shower cap and rain suit looking for creative ways to dismantle his opponents. If this already sounds like a wonderfully-written profile to you, you’re in luck, because Skink is a recurring character throughout most of Carl Hiaasen’s catalogue.

And of course, wherever there’s Skink, black highway patrolman Jim Tile isn’t far behind. Don’t worry, because Jim Tile and Skink are actually close friends who help each other out for the common good. Mr. Tile takes a lot of racially-charged abuse from the people he pulls over on the highway, yet he maintains his cool and serious demeanor through it all. He doesn’t use force unless it’s absolutely necessary, in which case, his amateur wrestling background will come in handy for turning a racist redneck’s arm into a wet noodle. To be honest, we need more cops like Jim Tile and less murderers like Darren Wilson. If black readers ever need a hero to look up to, they can always rely on Jim Tile to be their role model.

Thank you, Carl Hiaasen, for bringing me another fantastic crime novel and thank you for being a constant influence on my own writing. There’s a reason why you’re one of my favorites. In fact, there are many reasons, but I won’t name them all lest this brief review turn into a novel itself (and not a novel as entertaining as Double Whammy). I’ve made it a personal goal of mine to read through Mr. Hiaasen’s entire catalogue. I’ve already blitzed through over half of it, so getting through the rest is going to be easy-breezy-lemon-squeezy. A passing grade will go to this delightful and fun novel!

Escape From Chehalis

***ESCAPE FROM CHEHALIS***

“You’ve escaped from New York! You’ve escaped from Cleveland! But this is LA!”

Yes, that is a direct quote from the movie “Escape from LA” back in the 90’s. But I have to ask: is it really that hard to escape from Cleveland, Ohio? Well, if I had a hard time escaping from Chehalis as a teenager, then the answer must have been yes. It’s true. With my screenwriting skills at the time, I could have written a movie called Escape From Chehalis. Actually, it wouldn’t have been very exciting since all I had to do was move to an apartment in Bremerton and go to school in Silverdale. But hey, as long as the best part of Chehalis is leaving, let’s explore some other routes I considered. Those of you who know about my Chehalis past know that I was bullied in high school, so getting out of that toxic town was good for me. But what if I needed an earlier exit? What high school dropout careers could I have embarked on to give me a parole from that rightwing dystopia? Well…

***ARENA OF DEATH***

It’s probably no surprise that I had an extreme fascination with death back in 1999/2000. I wanted to rent the first volume of Faces of Death, but the video store clerk wouldn’t let me because I was only fourteen at the time. It’s unbelievable…video stores actually existed back then! It would have been so nice to see one of my movies on the shelf, particularly an idea I had called Arena of Death. I could drop out of school, grab a camera, and film a bunch of gory fight scenes in an abandoned building. That’s basically what Arena of Death was supposed to be: an ECW-esque tournament where the winner…uh…actually, I hadn’t figured out a prize for the winner yet. If only I had a working video camera and friends who would volunteer for this movie. Oh well.

***BOUNTY HUNTER***

As a result of my verbal bullying, I got in a lot of fights and I won most of them simply by throwing one strike. I didn’t need a KO victory or even a TKO. Just one strike and it was all over. Having this kind of Goldberg-esque undefeated streak under my belt (which is easy to obtain in Chehalis), I actually considered a career as a bounty hunter. No shit! Just go around Washington state bringing criminals in with my fists and feet of fury. Hell, there was even a time when I considered entering a tough man competition; that’s how confident I was in my minimal fighting skills. Little did I know that most of the bounty heads might have carried guns or knives, neither of which I had in great supply (even though I one time asked for a gun for Christmas).

***EXTREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING***

Yes, I did mention ECW earlier in this blog. Yes, being the “tough guy” I was, I thought a career in that wrestling promotion was the right move for me, as opposed to finishing school in Chehalis. That’s basically like saying, “I’d rather get cut open with razor wire or power bombed through a fiery table than go to school in Chehalis”. Haha! But seriously, ECW was a huge source of creative fuel for me back in the day (before they closed their doors permanently in 2001). Weapons were fair game, anybody could beat up anybody, blood was liberally splattered everywhere, and hardcore legends were born. Although, verbal bullying could never prepare me for actual broken bones and slashed skin. Plus, ECW was based in Philadelphia, so if I couldn’t afford a video camera for Arena of Death, I damn sure couldn’t afford a plane ticket across the country.

***FLORIDA***

Yes, it’s true, folks! Back in 2000, my mom got a job offer in Florida and I was secretly hoping that she would get it and get my ass out of Chehalis. Boy, you talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire! Knowing what we now know about Florida, that’s basically like trying to get away from Jeffrey Dahmer by hiding out on John Wayne Gacy’s crawlspace. I didn’t care about politics in the year 2000, but I probably should have since Florida is as red as ECW bloodbaths. School shootings, racist murders, Carl Hiaasen novel scenarios, natural disasters, crocodiles, good god!

***GUITARIST***

From 1996 to 2001, I practiced on an acoustic and later an electric guitar with the hopes that I’d be as good as David Gilmour from Pink Floyd. Starting my own rock band was the surefire way to get out of high school and I’d be doing something I loved. Except for one thing: I didn’t love playing the guitar. It was hard. It was fucking hard! Moving my fingers across the frets with lightning speed wasn’t my cup of tea, which is funny since I can do it just fine when I’m writing things on a computer keyboard. I would often play really slowly with the top string and only my middle finger holding the frets. Configuring my digits into chord positions was too much to handle and I eventually gave up that potential exit from Chehalis. Any more mediocrity and I’d have to smash my guitar to pieces like Billie Joe Armstrong did at the iHeart Radio Festival in 2012, when Green Day’s stage time was cut short.

***SUPER FINAL FANTASY***

Before settling on a career in screenwriting, my childhood dream job used to be creating videogames and one of them was Super Final Fantasy. I was in love with Final Fantasy VII and VIII, so naturally I wanted to give my own shot into creating a game in the series. My main character was a shotgun-wielding, trench coat-wearing teenager (don’t look for themes here) named Sage Gannon, who was out to avenge the death of his coal miner father. Guiding his path would be the fluffy blond haired swordsman Minra Durandose (if Cloud and Squall had a love child, it’d be Minra). The token female love interest (I didn’t know it was wrong!) was a bikini-wearing mystical goddess named Siren, who used a combination of seduction and harp playing to lull enemies into defenselessness (again, I didn’t know it was wrong!). Development was going swimmingly until Squall appeared in my head as a schizophrenic voice and told me to, “Write [my] own shit and stop copying other people.” Thanks, Squall. Great advice from a guy who can’t figure out how to trust people.

***UNDERTAKER***

Remember how I told you all I had a weird fascination with death? Well, try not to read too much into this, but I actually considered a dropout career of burying dead bodies at the local cemetery. Before you ask, no, I wasn’t planning on murdering my bullies and giving them their own graves. I’m not that sick. Hehe! No, being an undertaker is a legitimate career. And when I say undertaker, I’m not talking about the WWE wrestler who at the time was doing a satanic cult storyline. Yes, digging holes is physically exhausting for someone as small I was back then, but a paycheck is a paycheck and a lack of high school hostility is just that.

***CONCLUSION***

You’re probably reading all of these potential career choices and are worried sick about me. You’re probably thinking that I’m living in the past and refusing to let go of my demons. You couldn’t be further from the truth. My most recent blog entries have been about my childhood follies, so this one is no different. I’m glad I finished school and became an indie author. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Knowing what I now know about schizophrenia and autism, I most likely wouldn’t have survived these alternative careers. Every career has its own set of assholes and friendly people. Running away wouldn’t have solved anything. No matter where you go, you take your baggage with you. Only through claiming responsibility and seeking help can you overcome your problems. I’ve overcome my demons and I’m better for it. It took a long time to do, but it happened. Live your life without regrets. If you must delve into the past, find things to laugh about, not things to kick yourself over. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“So you think you’re a Romeo playing a part in a picture show. Take the long way home. ‘Cause you’re the joke of your neighborhood. Why should you care if you’re feeling good? Take the long way home. But there are times that you feel you’re part of the scenery. All the greenery is coming down, boy. And then your wife seems to think you’re a part of the furniture. Oh, it’s peculiar. She used to be so nice. When lonely days turn to lonely nights, you take a trip to the city lights. Take the long way home. You never see what you want to see forever playing to the gallery. Take the long way home. And when you’re up on the stage, it’s so unbelievable. Oh, unforgettable how they adore you. But then your wife seems to think you’re losing your sanity. Oh, calamity, there’s no way out. Does it feel that your life’s become a catastrophe? Oh, it has to be for you to grow, boy. When you look through the years and see what you could have been. Oh, what you might have been. If you’d had more time. So when the day comes to settle down, who’s to blame if you’re not around? Take the long way home.”

-Supertramp singing “Take the Long Way Home”-

"Basket Case" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Basket Case

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 2002

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Mystery

GRADE: Pass

Jack Tagger, Jr. is a middle-aged former elite reporter who has since been demoted to writing micromanaged obituaries after going on a tirade against his newspaper’s corporate masters. Life is slow, miserable, and boring for Mr. Tagger until he’s tasked with writing an obituary for Jimmy Stoma, a rock and roll icon who is believed to have drowned in an unfortunate diving accident. Jack’s investigative instincts cause him to dig deeper into this case in an attempt to uncover a conspiracy involving murder and number one hit songs. Without the support of his supervisors, Jack has to make do with his relatively short leash and his modicum of clues and suspicions. Can he bring closure to the family of his all-time favorite musician or will Mr. Stoma’s case go cold before it even begins?

Colorful, wisecracking characters are to be expected from Carl Hiaasen’s thrillers and Jack Tagger himself is no exception to that rule. It won’t matter whether the subject is sex, rock and roll, journalism, politics, or violence, because Jack, who happens to be the first person narrator, will always get a chuckle out of the reader with his commentary. A sense of humor is probably necessary for his necromantic line of work. Without it, he’d probably go crazy and there would be nobody to give Jimmy Stoma his due sending off. If he wasn’t so dedicated to being a newspaper reporter, he could probably make it as a standup comedian.

But he’s a truth-seeker first and a smart-ass second. He’s dedicated to weeding out the BS of corporate news even if it means getting himself in boiling hot water. His dedication to his art form is second to none, so much so that he would have seen Jimmy Stoma’s case through even after potentially being fired. In today’s era, we need more honest people like him to deliver the world’s news, even if that news tastes bitterer than a dissolved Xanax tablet washed down with horse piss beer. At forty-six years old, he doesn’t have time for corporate shenanigans or dishonest scum bags.

Speaking of not having time, Jack Tagger’s obsession with death is fascinating to read about, especially when he compares his own age to those of dead celebrities he once admired. Writing obituaries for so long makes him wonder when his morbid end will finally come and how it will happen. So many of his favorite public figures have died at forty-six years old and even at slightly older than that. His grim obsession has driven his loved ones away from him despite their pleas for him to just forget it and be happy with what he has.

It’s creepy to think about, but since it’s a Carl Hiaasen novel, it’s almost comical in a way. One of Mr. Hiaasen’s gifts to his profession is his ability to mix seriousness with humor in a subtle way that doesn’t take the reader out of the story. Trust me, there will be plenty of times to get darkly serious, especially when more bodies drop and living people mysteriously vanish. Despite Jack Tagger’s disdain for guns, he just might have to use one in order to see this case through. You can still chuckle at his wisecracks, just stay on the edge of your seat while it’s happening.

Of course, Jack Tagger isn’t the only colorful character you can expect great things from. Jimmy Stoma, even in death, is mentioned as a party animal with a deep soul and undying charisma. Emma Cole, the twenty-something editor at Jack’s paper, is a pain in the butt at first, but turns out to be a charming sweetheart once the reader gets to know her. Janet Thrush, Jimmy Stoma’s sister, has a day job as an internet stripper with a SWAT team gimmick; if that doesn’t pique your interest, I don’t know what will. Juan Rodriguez is a Cuban immigrant who is so good at writing newspaper stories that he might as well be a New York Times bestselling novelist.

And then you have the characters that deserve a stone-handed punch to the face. Cleo Rio, Jimmy Stoma’s widow, comes off as a shallow and spoiled pop princess with no appreciation for what her husband left behind. Jerry, Cleo’s chubby bodyguard, is a little harder to punch in the face due to his fighting abilities, but that doesn’t mean you won’t want to at least give it a try. Loreal is a bogus music producer with about as much credibility as the corporate profiteers running Jack’s newspaper outlet. Speaking of which, Race Maggad III (jokingly called “Master Race” by Jack Tagger) cares more about making money than he does about producing truthful news and his crippling budget cuts make that very clear.

The battlefield is set and the goofy characters are ready to clash with each other over the mystery of Jimmy Stoma’s suspicious death and the fate of realistic journalism. If you want a well-constructed mystery with quotable one-liners and a reliable narrator, grab a copy of “Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen. To my knowledge, he hasn’t written a bad novel in all of the times I’ve read his work. I don’t think he knows how to!

"Chomp" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Chomp

AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller

GRADE: Pass

Mickey Cray and his son Wahoo are professional animal wranglers who need to scrape up as much money as they can to avoid foreclosure. Their opportunity at financial salvation comes in the form of Derek Badger, a reality TV survivalist who wants to use the Cray family’s reptiles as creative fuel for his show. When the egotistical Derek wants more convincing footage, he, the TV crew, and the Crays venture out into the Everglades, where the animals are wilder and more likely to bite something off. Tagging along on this adventure is Tuna Gordon, a black-eyed girl who wants to get away from her father’s abuse. In typical Hiaasen fashion, controlled chaos is the name of the game. Nobody is safe from Mother Nature’s harsh judgment, especially not the phony Derek Badger.

Yes, this is yet another Carl Hiaasen novel I’m reviewing, but Chomp is different from the others I’ve read due to its young adult audience. The swearing is minimal, the violence is slightly toned down, and most importantly, the content is educational enough to be taught in high school or college. Tuna Gordon has an encyclopedic knowledge of taxonomy, or scientifically naming organisms. Mickey Cray and his son Wahoo bring enough common sense to their jobs that Mother Nature looks down on them favorably. Julie Cray, Wahoo’s lawyer sister, knows enough about Florida law that she can gain leverage against any corrupt TV official. Kids have to know all of these things if they want to live in a cooperative and peaceful environment. The educational value of this book is priceless: be good to Mother Nature and Mother Nature will be good to you.

Another thing I enjoyed about this book was the budding relationship between Wahoo and Tuna. It could never be accused of instant love. In fact, they constantly deny that they’re in a serious relationship. But the things they do for each other are very much worthy of true friendship. They give each other clothing during the harsh weather. They give each other comfort when the subject of Jared Gordon (Tuna’s father) is brought up. Tuna even has a miracle drug in her tote bag for Mickey Cray’s headaches, which he got from having a frozen iguana fall on his dome. As a reader, you want Wahoo and Tuna (who both have fishy names) to thrive as friends and get through their roughest times together. You also want them to have as many cute moments as possible. You’ll get everything you wanted and more within the confines of this book.

The last thing I’ll comment on is how convincing of a villain Jared Gordon is. You won’t see him for a long time in the story, but when he pops up, you know there’s going to be trouble. He’s constantly drunk, controlling to everyone he’s around, and he’s also carrying a loaded pistol with extra bullets. Giving Tuna a black eye is bad enough, but when he takes over this story, you’d better take him seriously. Throughout his time in the story, I kept wanting Jared to get his butt kicked in the worst way. He was so evil and disgusting that nobody would have missed him if he suddenly vanished off the face of the earth. If he was a professional wrestler, he would be the quintessential definition of a heel. You want him to get his comeuppance? Wait a while.

With a fast pace, ridiculous characters, and environmental know-how, Chomp definitely earned its passing grade, much like any other Carl Hiaasen book. He has easily become one of my favorite authors, so much so that I refer to him as my “go-to” option whenever I need a pick-me-up. Chomp in particular should be required reading in high school or college. Not only would it give the students a break from slow-paced literary claptrap, it would also fulfill their educational needs and instill common sense. Having common sense is really the highest education there is. Some people have it, others need it desperately. What do you say, teachers and principals? Will you take me up on my offer? I’m sure Mr. Hiaasen would appreciate that very much!

"Sick Puppy" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Sick Puppy
AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen
YEAR: 1999
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller
GRADE: Pass

Twilly Spree is a twenty-something Floridian eco-warrior who would gladly beat somebody’s ass if they screwed with Mother Nature. The first of his victims in this story is Palmer Stoat, a sleazy lobbyist who shamelessly chucks food wrappers out of the window of his car. Mr. Stoat becomes even more disgusting when he tries to put together a political deal to build a bridge to Toad Island, thus burying the wildlife beneath the sand. To teach him a valuable lesson in respecting the earth, Twilly will go to some vile lengths whether it’s filling Palmer’s car with dung beetles, filling his other car with a dump truck’s haul, kidnapping his dog, or kidnapping his wife Desie, who’s already sickened with him anyways. Other colorful characters join the fray in an extortion scenario more chaotic than a deadly hurricane.

When finding things to love about Carl Hiaasen’s work, the colorful characters are the first to come to mind. After Twilly beats up some college drunkards for injuring a seagull with beer cans, you pretty much have no choice but to like the guy. The kidnapped doggie, Boodle/McGuinn, proves to be a sweetie pie and pivotal to bringing the story to its wild conclusion. Even the main villain of the story, Mr. Gash, has some quirky habits, such as listening to tapes of violent 9-1-1 calls while dubbing them with dramatic classical music. But none are quirkier than the returning Clinton “Skink” Tyree, a braid-bearded, shower cap-wearing, glass eye-having, and nearly naked eco-terrorist with a delightfully misanthropic side to him. There’s not one character in this book who won’t strike the reader as wonderfully weird.

But as much as you love to read about these cartoon-like characters, some of them you’ll wish a nasty fate upon. Mr. Gash is a sociopath hit man, so he should go first on the barbecue rack. Palmer Stoat is already a classless litterbug, but he’s also a heartless wildlife hunter with worse marksmanship than Ray Charles. Robert Clapley is a huge part of the bridge deal that’s going to kill off wildlife, but he also has a psychotic fetish for Barbies (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Governor Dick Artemus is just as…well…dickish as his first name suggests with his sleazy politics and loudmouthed behavior. No need to worry about these morons making it to the finish line, because sooner or later, everybody, and I mean everybody from this book gets what they deserve. Such is the way of Mother Earth.

If you’re intimidated by the fact that this book is five hundred plus pages long, relax. Carl Hiaasen’s thrillers always dictate a fast pace without neglecting the finer details of his prose. Everything is shown like a movie on TV from the details of Mr. Gash’s god-awful haircut to the creative way in which he gets his comeuppance. Even when Mr. Hiaasen is giving a History Channel-like lecture on the back stories of his characters, you can still enjoy the ride and not feel like he’s trying too hard to maintain your interest. Trust me, he doesn’t have to try at all. After several decades of writing these kinds of humorous novels, kick-ass environmental storytelling is as easy to him as breathing in and out.

Although Carl Hiaasen novels are entertaining and fun to read, there’s also an important message behind all of the chaotic violence, Sick Puppy being no exception. The message of land and animal preservation is highly apparent in this book since we actually get to see what kinds of shady deals go on between lobbyists and politicians, both Democrat and Republican. Money controls everything in politics and as long as there’s lots of it going around, nobody’s going to care what happens to the baby toads or cuddly squirrels of Toad Island. If on the other hand you actually have a soul like Twilly Spree and Clinton Tyree do, you’ll realize that there are more important things in this world that money such as intelligence and decency. Will Carl Hiaasen’s novels change the minds of ignorant people? I hope they do. A passing grade goes to this wonderfully crafted piece of literature.

In Perfect Harmony

***IN PERFECT HARMONY***

I have no idea why, but the lyrics to the Within Temptation song “In Perfect Harmony” made me dewy eyed when I read them online. That’s not the same is full-fledged crying, but it was close. I still hold the 2007 record for the last time I bawled like a baby. But if you all want to know what these lyrics are, keep reading. You might get dewy eyed too.


VERSE 1
In a world so far away
At the end of a closing day
A little child was born and raised
Deep in the forest on a hidden place
Mother never saw his face

CHORUS
Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being
Who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

VERSE 2
The woods protected, fulfilled his needs
Fruit by birds, honey by bees
He found shelter under trees
He grew up in their company
They became his family

VERSE 3
A thousand seasons
They passed him by
So many times, have said goodbye
And when the spirits called out his name
To join forever, forever to stay
A forest spirit he became


The question of the day is: did anybody else become teary when they read that or am I just fluff and stuff? We’ve got ears, say cheers!


***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

A new week means a new prompt. This time we’ve got “cabin” as our keyword and it turns out only one of my synopses fits the prompt. My story this week will be called “Cemetery Gates” (named after the Pantera song) and it goes like this:


CHARACTERS:

AJ Robbins, Traumatized Boyfriend
Eve Mills, Loving Girlfriend

PROMPT CONFORMITY: AJ and Eve are spending a weekend together in a cabin.

SYNOPSIS: AJ and Eve have been a couple for a long time now and all of the sudden Eve feels like her boyfriend is keeping secrets from her. When the two of them eat dinner together, she presses him about it and AJ becomes defensive. The secrets he’s been keeping are too traumatic for him to talk about and he prefers to keep those memories buried forever. AJ even refers to his mind as a cemetery gate since it keeps a graveyard of buried secrets underneath. The argument between this couple is a classic debate between having no secrets and respecting traumatic privacy.


***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

The last drawing I did was of Levi Lincoln, who’s basically Bray Wyatt in a British Guard shako. Up next? Marcus Edge from “Stardust”, who’s basically Clinton “Skink” Tyree from Carl Hiaasen’s novels with druidic magic and a hotter temper. Mitch O’Connor (space mercenary from “Stardust”) could have worn all the armor he wanted to, but his ass was lunch meat the minute Marcus Edge laid eyes on him. Yikes!


***OCCUPY WRESTLING***

I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been moving any faster than a snail’s pace when editing these chapters. But getting them edited I’ve been doing and it will continue with chapter six and seven, where the police get a nasty surprise in the form of hooded druids with snake masks and magical powers. Where the hell is Marcus Edge when you need him? Better yet, where the hell is Mitch McLeod when Debra Winter needs him?!


***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do pop music and scissors have in common?
A: Rock beats both of them.

"Star Island" by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Star Island
AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen
YEAR: 2010
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller
GRADE: Pass


In this deconstruction of celebrity culture, untalented pop singer Cherry Pye is on the brink of becoming a mega-star with the concert tour of her latest album Skantily Klad. She’s also a drug and alcohol nightmare for her parents, handlers, and paparazzi. Whenever she’s too toasted to go out in public to ruin her career, Ann DeLuisa, her identical imposter, goes out for her and behaves normally. A perverted paparazzo named Bang Abbott desperately wants a photo of Cherry Pye at her worst so that he can sell it for hundreds of thousands of dollars. But when he kidnaps the stunt double, the plot to keep Ann’s name out of the press becomes a chaotic clusterfuck for Cherry’s parents.

I’ve been a fan of Carl Hiaasen’s for almost half a decade now, which I realize is a short period of time considering his lengthy and productive career, but “Star Island” is another reminder of why he’s one of the best in the business when it comes to fast-paced and comedic thrillers. The dialogue is witty, the action never slows down for a minute, and the whirlwind of chaos that ensues in this book is perfectly planned out from beginning to end.

It should also be known that two of Hiaasen’s most famous characters are reintroduced in this book: Skink (deranged ex-governor of Florida turned eco-warrior) and Chemo (flaky-skinned criminal with a weed whacker where his hand was supposed to be). Though they are on opposite alignments at first, the further you read into this book, the more you realize they have a lot in common. They have a disdain for spoiled brats, they don’t take shit from anybody, they’re both on the wrong side of the law, and they can be cunning when they need to be. Chemo prefers to be a hard-ass who trims his victims with his weed eater and Skink prefers more creative methods, such as, attaching a sea urchin to a scumbag banker’s testicles. Sooner or later these two longtime Hiaasen characters are going to meet. And when they do, you’d better batten down the hatches.

Pretty much every character in this book has something kooky going on with them. Aside from Skink’s craziness and Chemo’s intimidation, you also have the main character of the book, Cheryl Bunterman, aka Cherry Pye. This woman deserves no sympathy whatsoever. She’s an airhead, she lip-synchs her way to popularity, she’s spoiled, she’s shallow, and she’ll do any drug she can get her hands on. Chemo is already a loose cannon, so when he’s hired to protect Cherry and keep her out of trouble, even he’s driven to insanity.

Any other kooky characters who mesh well with a chaotic plot? How about the pedophilic CEO of Jailbait Records Maury Lykes? How about the deceptive banker and environmental hazard Jackie Sebago? Bang Abbott is no angel himself: he’s 300 plus pounds of sexual perversion and bottom feeding behavior, which is perfect for his paparazzo occupation. Ann DeLuisa might be one of the few people in the book with a sane head on her shoulders. How she keeps from going insane in the captivity of Bang Abbott is a mystery in itself. All of the characters mesh perfectly with each other whether they’re allies or driving each other nuts. There is not one hint of bad chemistry among these comedic forces.

In addition to playing to his usual strengths of chaotic comedy and environmental hammering, Carl Hiaasen is also a master at dissecting celebrity culture. There’s always this fascination with a celebrity couple doing something as simple as walking the streets together. There’s an even bigger fascination with pop stars who crash and burn under their own stupidity and weakness. We as civilians like to talk about celebrities like we know all about them. We put them on pedestals one minute, but when they fuck up just once, the media shit storm becomes too much to handle. Some celebrities deserve their privacy, while those in the same vein as Cherry Pye deserve to crash and burn and wind up in the shit house. The things people will do for fame and fortune, for better or worse, are all documented in Hiaasen’s novel. If you’ve ever wanted to put celebrities under a microscope instead of on a pedestal, by all means, pick up a copy of “Star Island”.

There’s a reason why Carl Hiaasen is one of Florida’s most widely recognized authors: it’s because he never disappoints when he releases a new novel. Sometimes I grab a Hiaasen novel whenever I’ve read something from another author that was awful. It’s the perfect cure for the one-star blues. A passing grade for a brilliant author and his book.

Stormy Weather by Carl Hiaasen

BOOK TITLE: Stormy Weather
AUTHOR: Carl Hiaasen
YEAR: 1995
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Environmental Thriller
GRADE: Pass


A hurricane passing through southern Florida has brought out all types of colorful characters wanting to exploit the stormy weather for their own personal gain. While on a honeymoon with his wife Bonnie, Max Lamb takes his camcorder and films the devastation of the hurricane for his own personal amusement. Edie Marsh and her psychopathic partner in crime Snapper come up with a plan for insurance fraud that involves a little blood splatter along the way on Snapper’s part. Tony Torres is trying to defend himself after several mobile homes he sold were ripped apart during the storm, mobile homes he guaranteed were safe.

In the middle of it all is Skink, a former governor who went off the deep end and became a diehard eco-warrior with loony methods of convincing people not to screw with nature. These weird ass characters and plenty of others come together eventually for a chaotic climax to a story about hurricanes.

If you’ve ever read anything from Carl Hiaasen before, you would take special note of that last word “chaotic”. The crazy characters all have a way of meeting each other and the results of their meetings only serves to intensify the insanity. But this isn’t just any chaos we’re talking about here. This is controlled chaos. That means Carl Hiaasen’s character count is high and he’s actually able to contain and develop them all within 388 pages.

Writing a Carl Hiaasen novel is a lot like running an insane asylum: you’ve got a lot of people to control and occasionally there will be rioting. Add to all of this a hurricane and things get out of hand rather quickly. Mr. Hiaasen must feel more like a babysitter at times instead of an author. I commend his ability to watch over that many people at one time.

I’ve said this before about other novels, but it bears repeating: a happy ending is not about IF it will happen, it’s about HOW. For an author, determining how a happy ending will occur will require believability. If you’re Carl Hiaasen, the happy ending will not only be believable (despite the story being told in a world of lunacy), it will also be hilariously fitting.

The main villain of this story as you will quickly find out is the trigger happy ass-hat known as Snapper, a white supremacist criminal who has a crooked jaw and an all around ugly face. Everybody in this book is guilty of exploitation, but only Snapper is treated as the biggest asshole in the book, no likeability at all. He might even be what TV Tropes calls a Complete Monster. While I won’t divulge what exactly happens to Snapper, I will give you one clue: it involves a certain red “club” that’s used to keep a steering wheel in place and prevent car theft. If your imagination isn’t as wild as Mr. Hiaasen’s, then I suggest reading the book to find out just what the hell I’m talking about.

Every Carl Hiaasen book I’ve read in my lifetime is either giggly, satisfying, agreeable, or all of the above. Stormy Weather is yet another triumph in Mr. Hiaasen’s legacy. He remains one of my favorite authors to this day, especially since he has something I value in a lot of authors: a fast pace. A passing grade will be given to this wonderful novel.

Books and Cage Fights

In all the time I’ve maintained this blog, it seems as though I’ve spoken more about mixed-martial arts than actual books. Hell, I even have an old post on here where I stand up for Fallon Fox after all the verbal abuse she’s taken. On DeviantART, I have a journal entry where I question the hatred toward the UFC for attempting to bail out Jeremy Stephens after his assault charge so that he can fight on the card. My MMA references on both sites may appear accidental, but they’re by design, for a different reason from the fact that I’m a fan. The way I see it (and as many of you guessed from the first post I made back in 2012), a good book should be like a bonus-worthy cage fight. For those of you who aren’t UFC savvy, I’ll explain the whole bonus jargon to you. Every UFC event has a series of fights and afterwards UFC President Dana White will give out bonus checks to the fighters for Knockout of the Night, Submission of the Night, and Fight of the Night. What do post-fight bonuses have to do with a good book? Usually, the post-fight bonuses will go to fighters who made their fight a fast-paced battle with lots of action and very few breaks. Do you see the operative words there? Face-paced and lots of action. The books don’t necessarily have to be thrillers or mysteries in order to meet this criteria. They just have to be fun to read, in the same way that a bonus-worthy fight is fun to watch. For example, if you pick up any novel by Carl Hiaasen, it’ll be just as exciting to read as Dennis Bermudez vs. Matt Grice was fun to watch. Carl Hiaasen knows when to strike and does so in large volumes, much like the eventual winner of the fight Dennis Bermudez, who won by split decision. On the positive-negative spectrum, the MMA example works the other way as well. If you pick up a copy of Beowulf in its original format (fruity language and all), reading this slow-paced nightmare will be a lot like watching Frank Mir vs. Mirko Cro Cop. If you can’t decipher the poetic language of Beowulf as accurately as the A+ students in my Pre-16^th Century Lit class did, you’ll have no idea what the hell is going on and you’ll probably think there’s not much activity. The Frank Mir vs. Mirko Cro Cop fight back at UFC 119 could be described as the worst performance in both fighters’ careers due to the inactivity. It was so lackluster that even though Frank Mir was the only fighter on the UFC 119 card who recorded a knockout victory (knee), Dana White refused to give him the Knockout of the Night award. So with all of these MMA references floating around, you’re probably wondering why I’m not converting this blog from Garrison’s Library to Garrison’s Octagon. It’s because I’m a bookworm and writer first and a cage fighting aficionado second. I’ll gladly put pen to paper, but I’ll never get in an MMA cage for as long as I live. I’m too out of shape for athletic competition and really, the only way I could win a fight with these monsters is by kicking them in the nuts, gouging them in the eyes, or smashing their clavicles. I hope this blog entry answered those lingering MMA questions.

　

***MIXED-MARTIAL ARTS QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“For those of you who were booing the flyweight fight tonight, do me a favor. Please don’t ever buy another UFC pay-per-view again. I don’t want your money.”

-Dana White-

"Skin Tight" by Carl Hiaasen

To use a phrase that will eventually become commonplace on this blog, Carl Hiaasen has done it again. His dialogue is witty, his villains are giggly, and his pace is breakneck. What more could one ask for when reading an environmental thriller? In the case of “Skin Tight”, somebody wants Mick Stranahan, a former police officer, dead. After disposing of a hit man with a swordfish, he goes on an investigative journey to find out just who paid him off. Along the way, he meets a TV personality with more vanity than credibility, a seven-foot bouncer who looks like a giant Rice Krispies treat, and an ambulance-chasing lawyer with sleazy intentions. The biggest threat to his life is Dr. Rudy Graveline, an incompetent plastic surgeon who has been sued more times than he cares to remember. Mick knows something that Rudy wants him to keep quiet about, albeit within the comfort of a casket: a plastic surgery fuck-up that reeks of homicide, particularly as it relates to a nose job done on Victoria Barletta, a college coed. Putting all of these crazy characters in the same place at the same time can only mean one thing: chaos. Lots and lots of chaos. If you think being trapped in a prison cell with these people is bad enough, try the entire state of Florida. Murder and corruption are common themes within this story. So common that most of these assassination attempts are on Mick’s life. You talk about some fast-paced action? You’ve got it, buddy! Even when things are cooling off for just a little while, they quickly pick right back up where the high-octane action left off. The lengthy conversations alone are enough to keep the reader on the edge of his seat. This story along with Hiaasen’s other works should be the standard bearers of what good fiction is. If you think the only fun you could have while reading is being on Twitter or Face Book, pick up “Skin Tight” and you’ll be instantly converted. It’s because of the fast-paced action that I’ve decided to label Mr. Hiaasen as a profound influence on my own writing. There’s a reason he’s so prolific. For a 375-page reason, buy “Skin Tight” and read the damn thing. Enough said.

　

***TWEET OF THE DAY***

I don’t have bad taste in jokes. I just like jokes that are in bad taste.

-Me-

Marketing Wizard

I’m an author first and a marketing wizard second. Actually, you couldn’t really call it second. Maybe third. Or fourth. Or one-hundredth. The last time I learned anything about marketing was when I was 14 years old and studying it in my freshman year of high school, where my brain was melting into a puddle of liquid shit on account of PTSD from being bullied. So naturally, I retained nothing from that class, particularly as it relates to advertising a product. The product I want to advertise is my self-published book “Red Blood, White Knuckles, Blue Heart”, which was written under the name Garrison Kelly. The most I’ve done to advertise this book is approve distribution on Lulu.com (my publisher) and start an ad campaign on Goodreads.com. That’s about it. Now I have to ask, where do I go from here? This is one of the dangers of being a self-published author: aside from posting advertisements on various websites, you’re not going to get much out of it unless you’re a marketing genius. Think about Christopher Paolini for a moment, the author of the Eragon series. He self-published his books and became successful doing it, mainly because his story fell into the right hands, Carl Hiaasen’s step-son. Say what you will about the clichés he uses, he is successful nonetheless. In fact, there are a lot of authors out there who use traditional publishing and become successful despite being piss-poor writers. I’m not saying Christopher Paolini is piss-poor, because I’ve never read his stuff before, I’ve just seen the movie. But you get my drift, right? Success is all about being in the right place at the right time. Or if you’re a glass-half-empty kind of guy, not pissing off the wrong people. I’ve asked various people on the web about what I need to do to market my book and I haven’t gotten a definitive answer as of yet. So now, I’m using this forum, my book blog, to ask you guys if you know anything about advertising and if you do, how far should I go? The easiest answer you could give would be for me to close my Lulu.com account and go traditional. It’s easy for you to say, but harder for me to do. To be a traditionally published author, you have to have the best agent money can buy and you have to send your manuscript to tons of companies. And most of the time, they’ll say “no”. Not because you suck, but because they’re just plain not interested. Lots of great authors go unheard and it’s all because editors at publishing companies simply don’t give a damn about them. So instead of spending tons of money sending out my manuscript to people and getting told “no”, I’m going to say “yes” to myself and use Lulu.com. If no one else will reward me for my hard work, I’m going to reward myself. The question now is, how do I reap these rewards and turn this book into a marketing machine? We’ve got ears, say cheers!

　

***THE NEXT BOOK***

If for some reason I don’t publish another post on my blog reviewing a good book, it’s because I’ve run out of books to talk about and need to read new material. The book I’m reading now is “Skin Tight” by Carl Hiaasen. The problem? I’m only 20 pages into it. Who knows? I just may burst through it all one day when the skies are cloudy and new age music is serenading me through the TV speakers. Look forward to a post about “Skin Tight”. It won’t be too much longer, I hope.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Back at school it never made much sense. Now I pay but I can’t pay attention. Teaching me the hardest lessons of my life. Too dumb to die I guess, but that’s the way it goes. Sometimes I must regress these. Sex, drugs, and violence. English, math, and science. Safety in numbers. Give me, give me danger. Well, I don’t want to be an imbecile, but Jesus made me that way.”

-Green Day singing “Sex, Drugs, and Violence”-

"Tourist Season" by Carl Hiaasen

Are you actually surprised that yet another Carl Hiaasen book has made its way onto my blog? Unlike a death row inmate in Texas, you won’t be shocked. “Tourist Season” is another example of what a quick and witty writing style can accomplish. This book was written in the mid-80’s, when Mr. Hiaasen was budding as an author of environmental thrillers. Now he’s got an entire sprawl of them written all the way up to the present day. This one in particular deals with a private investigator named Brian Keyes, who unravels a terrorist plot to murder tourists in Florida in order to bring the state back to its “former glory”. Among these whack-a-loons include a 300 lb. black football player, a Cuban bomb maker who sucks at making bombs, a Native American recluse, and of course, the biggest nut job in the entire group, a former newspaper columnist named Skip Wiley. Before being discovered by Brian Keyes as a rightwing terrorist, he knew Skip as an eccentric and hateful writer who in his columns actually wished that a hurricane would come through Florida. He also had a theme in his writing called the “Asshole Quotient”, which was later dumbed down as the “Idiot Quotient”, where certain cities in Florida were rated by the number of tourists that “ruined everything”. As you can expect from this giggly cast of characters, there are a lot of high-spirited, silly moments in this book. Then again, there are also extremely dark moments, particularly when Brian is told that if he reveals the names of the terror cell members, the violence in Florida will get worse. How can it possibly get any fucking worse, you probably ask yourself. Carl Hiaasen’s blend of darkness and humor will keep that imagination of yours going for a long time. Your guess is as good as any first-time reader’s. And when the pieces of this mystery come together for you, you’re going to say to yourself, “Carl Hiaasen has done it again”. Then again, I don’t remember a time when Mr. Hiaasen doesn’t get the job done. I trust him so much that when he recommended “Swamplandia” to whoever would listen, I naturally bought a copy off of Amazon and it’s currently in my queue. Thanks, Mr. Hiaasen, for yet another instant classic!

　

***TWEET OF THE DAY***

“Another casualty of global warming: as the poles melt, most would rather not see Santa in a bathing suit.”

-Neil DeGrasse Tyson-

"Skinny Dip" by Carl Hiaasen

“Marine biologist Chaz Perrone can’t tell a seahorse from a sawhorse.” No kidding! This goofball slash scumbag tried to murder his wife by tossing her overboard during a cruise. So what did she do? Using her athletic talents, she swam over to a bail of Jamaican weed and wound up on a deserted island inhabited by an ex-cop who’s more than happy to help her attain vengeance. But how will Joey Perrone get revenge? Will she shoot Chaz in the skull? Nah, too brutal. Will she kick him in the testicles? Nah, that’s even worse. What could be more American than gunfire and nut shots? Blackmail, of course! Chaz has no idea that his wife Joey survived, but he doesn’t need to know that. He just has to worry his pretty little head off not only about murder charges, but also about falsifying data when doing work in the Florida Everglades. Throughout the entire book, you get the impression that Chaz Perrone is a huge sleaze ball. And then you think to yourself, “Gee, I’d really like to see something bad happen to this scumbag.” The entire book is just one big revenge plot designed to make Chaz shit in his overalls and have the diarrhea splatter ooze down into his already mud-soaked bog boots. What could possibly be more satisfying than that? And since Carl Hiaasen’s characters are always goofy and silly, you don’t have to worry about things getting too dark or brutal. Yes, Chaz Perrone is a heartless bastard, but you wouldn’t wish water boarding on him. Pants-pissing blackmail? That you can wish for and expect the genie to be generous about granting that wish. Goofball adult comedy is pretty much what you can expect from all of Carl Hiaasen’s books, alongside the not-so-subtle environmental messages he imprints in each novel. Despite knowing everything there is to know about him, you never feel like stopping at just one book. Mr. Hiaasen is extremely prolific and his books definitely do NOT blend together. Each one is an exciting thrill ride that will leave your gut busted and your ribs aching. “Skinny Dip” is no different in that respect.

　

***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“When it comes to rights, either one of two things is true. Either we have unlimited rights or no rights at all. Personally, I’m leaning toward unlimited rights. I believe for instance that I have the right to do and say whatever the fuck I please. And if I say something that pisses you off, you have the right to kill me. Where are you going to find a fucking better deal than that? The next time some asshole says to you, ‘I have the right to my opinion!’ say to them, ‘Oh yeah? Well, I have the right to my opinion and my opinion is, you have no right to your opinion!’ Then shoot the motherfucker and walk away!”

-George Carlin-