Mario and Luigi

 

Luigi vs. Rufus Buckley from A Time to Kill

 

Captain Evil

***CAPTAIN EVIL***

More often than not, when I’m writing a blog entry like this one, I like to joke about how nobody would take a villain named Captain Evil seriously. Who is Captain Evil? He’s my punch line for any villain who is evil for the sake of being evil. No motivations, no ambitions, no personality, just evil, evil, evil. Stomping on kittens, blowing up buildings, shooting up schools, all for the sake of being a massive dick. Do villains like these exist? Of course they do, but they’re mostly in golden age videogames and children’s cartoons.

If Bowser from the Mario Brothers franchise was renamed Captain Evil, nobody would even notice. He too has a one-track mind with not much dimension to him. Kidnapping Princess Peach seems to be his only motivation in life. But what does he do with her? Is he in love with her? Does it turn out at long last that Bowser is a horny incel? And if he’s really this big ass turtle warrior with a spiked shell and fiery breath, how come he has incompetent minions do his bidding for him? I know the early Mario games weren’t intended for deep thinking, but when you’re writing your own story, you really have no choice but to question a lot of these Captain Evil tropes.

But enough about Bowser and his two dimensions (both in terms of sprite graphics and character development). What about an actual person named Captain Evil? Is it really possible to redeem such a character? His name already gives off vibes of being a villain, much like the name Sweet Pea would lead you to believe she’s a protagonist. But what’s in a name? Does it say Captain Evil on his driver’s license? What if it’s just a catchy nickname? What if the guy who uses that name isn’t really evil, but just a really tough son of a bitch?

What if Captain Evil was the name of a military drill instructor who screamed at his privates all the time? Feel free to take that however you want. What if Captain Evil was a mixed-martial artist with an aggressive fighting style? What if Captain Evil was an actual supervillain? Could he still have multiple layers in his character development? Sure, he can! Maybe he doesn’t see being evil as a bad thing. Maybe he admits he’s evil and just doesn’t give a shit. Maybe it’s the world around him who gave him this label and he’s just rolling with it.

But the thing about multi-layered villains as that they don’t actually believe they’re the bad guy in their story. In fact, nobody in this world sees themselves as a villain despite the fact that they might do shitty things from time to time. Everybody has an original point of view, everybody has their own version of right and wrong, and our differences clash often. So even a guy with the name Captain Evil couldn’t see himself as a true villain if he has any chance at being multi-layered.

If you must make Captain Evil sympathetic, do it in a way that doesn’t involve a troubled past that leads nowhere. It’s a tired trope that only matters if executed correctly. If Captain Evil’s parents were killed, it has to lead to somewhere. If Captain Evil was bullied in school, it has to figure into the story somehow. If you’re just piling on problems for the sake of making a villain into a victim, you’re not doing yourself or your character any favors.

I know how ironic it seems to hear me say that since I too struggle with creating sympathetic characters. Then again, these days I struggle with every aspect of the writing game, whether it’s realistic dialogue, showing vs. telling, and of course, creating three-dimensional characters. I’ve been writing since 2002 and I still get it wrong from time to time. It’s almost as though I need someone to hold my hand for me as I cross the street. Although all first drafts by their very nature suck ass, some suck more than others. Some first drafts have an incomplete version of Captain Evil lurking in the background. I know a lot of mine do.

I’m not recommending you actually create a character named Captain Evil, unless of course it’s a challenge you want to undertake. If you like challenges and you like creating chicken salad out of chicken shit, then by all means, go for it. Some people thrive with minimal creative fuel. Some people need more to go by. As for myself, if I ever decide to create my own version of Captain Evil, I’m going to need all the help I can get from beta readers, editors, and Author Tubers with funny and helpful videos (I’m looking at you, Jenna Moreci).

Wait a minute…did I just namedrop Jenna Moreci? In a blog about Captain Evil? Her debut novel “Eve: the Awakening” has a character in it named Captain Ramsey. He was a former Navy Captain who now teaches combat classes at Billington University. He’s tough-minded, he’s hardcore, he’s a no-bullshit kind of guy. He doesn’t accept mediocrity from any of his students, least of all chimeras. Could he accept the nickname Captain Evil even though he’s technically one of the good guys? If we’re going by his no-bullshit attitude alone, then yes, I can see him earning that moniker. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s three-dimensional too!

If Jenna Moreci can successfully create Captain Evil, you can too and so can I! Let’s create an army of Captain Evils together! We’ve got this! No challenge is too big for us! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight! Anyone who can guess where my new sign-off phrase comes from gets a free cookie. It’ll be a digital cookie, but it’ll have chocolate chips nonetheless. Or if you’re an Oreo guy, you can have that too.

***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***

I’m looking at all the time stamps in which I completed these twenty-four chapters so far and holy shit, are they spaced out. Twenty-four chapters so far with three remaining on deck. I didn’t begin rewriting Beautiful Monster until late November last year. That means it took me over half a year to rewrite a novel that normally takes me two months at most. I don’t like to beat myself up over little shit, but goddamn, that’s got to be the longest I’ve ever spent on a WIP. Then again, I’ve also had quite a few creative and real life projects on my plate in lieu of Beautiful Monster. My Jack and the Beanstalk parody Emilio & Marigold dominated a good portion of my year. So did reading the shortest books in my library and reviewing them all. So did writing short stories and poems for the WSS on Good Reads. I can’t blame it all on psychological torpor, but since Impostor Syndrome is a bitch….Anyways, I wrote chapter twenty-four earlier today, so I’m a happy motherfucker. Windham finally swears! Yay! And I’m not just talking about damn and hell either. He dropped an F-bomb on Shelly like it was an actual nuclear warhead. You want to know what he said to her? “FUCK LOVE!” Speaking of which…

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Binary lie never scratch it on my skin. But you’d loved to see the mark just to fill the blackness in. I know what you are. You’re the last thing I see as my lungs fill. I’ll be goddamned if you didn’t love the sin while you offer up advice just to keep your secrets in. I know what you are. You’re the last breath I breathe as my lungs fill. Fuck love! It only goes away. There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye you made me say. Don’t love ever again. Fuck love! Your promise was in vain. There’s no goddamn good in this goodbye you made me say. Don’t love ever again. Counting all the days that deception was the game. I lived every day just to keep my promises. I can’t hide the scar. Now my last breath is yours and my lungs fill. Didn’t see the snake that was signaling the change. I’ll be damned for my sleep but still I hold you to blame. Still hold you to. Fuck love!”

-All That Remains singing “Fuck Love”-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Do any All That Remains fans out there get the feeling that “Fuck Love” was written about Oli Herbert’s relationship with his wife before he died? I don’t want to peddle conspiracy theories, but…

"Super Mario" by Jeff Ryan

BOOK TITLE: Super Mario: How Nintendo Conquered America

AUTHOR: Jeff Ryan

RELEASE DATE: 2011

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Videogame Biography

GRADE: Pass

From Nintendo’s early days with the Donkey Kong arcade game to the present day with Super Mario Wii, Jeff Ryan documents the history of the Mario character and how over many decades he became the symbol of excellence for video gaming. This constant promotion of such a simple, let lovable character didn’t come without hardship. Nintendo had to constantly put out games and consoles that rivaled other systems like the Sega Genesis, Sony Play Station, and the Microsoft X-Box to name a few. Sometimes Nintendo won these rivalries, sometimes they were hit hard with a massive loss in revenue. Even today Nintendo struggles to keep Mario relevant in a generation full of new gadgets and principles.

First and foremost, the research Mr. Ryan conducted along with this previous knowledge of videogames shines through for this book. Every detail is so intricate that trusting this book for its word wouldn’t be too far out of bounds. The computer lingo might sound a bit confusing at first, but it’ll all make sense the closer you get to the middle and end of the book. My only question to Mr. Ryan is, how exactly did he find this information out? Did he individually ask the Nintendo execs about everything they know or did he have to surf every crevice of the web? Don’t worry, I’m not calling him out on any flaws; it just piques my curiosity, that’s all.

Many people on Good Reads have criticized Jeff Ryan’s use of pop culture references, particularly as he fused them into the writing style to make it his own. Normally, pop culture references are a no-no in literature due to the reader’s off chances that he might not know what the author is talking about. Jeff Ryan can get away with it, though, because Mario culture is pop culture. The references don’t go too far off from the videogame genre and are actually amusing to listen to from time to time. In short, I believe the energetic writing style is fun to read and would make Mr. Ryan’s job as a writer for the Huffington Post much more believable to a layman.

And now we get to my favorite part of any book I give a passing grade, the pacing. The pacing is somewhat slower than what I usually read, but that doesn’t bother me at all. It only bothered me during the opening chapters when Nintendo was just a generic entertainment company instead of a Mario and Donkey Kong giant. My patience kicked in and the book has been an enjoyable read ever since. This would be the time where I encourage all of my readers to have at least some level of patience when dealing with a new book or a new author. The excitement will happen one way or another. Such is the case with “Super Mario” by Jeff Ryan.

If you’re feeling nostalgic about your videogame-playing past, this book is for you. It’s not only good for getting that warm fuzzy feeling flowing through your bloodstream, but it’s also educational, particularly as it relates to running a business. Running a business of any kind is hard work and in this screwed up economy, most of them either don’t make it or barely make enough to survive by the skin of their teeth. I have a new appreciation for what business owners have to go through on a daily basis. It still doesn’t mean I’m letting them get away with tax cuts for billionaires or exploiting foreign workers. Just throwing that out there.