Trees and Rocks

(In the style of Wesley Willis)

VERSE 1

Nature vacations are the worst

It’s just trees and rocks

They sit there and do nothing

You can’t buy chicken from a tree

CHORUS

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

VERSE 2

Where are all the heavy metal bands?

Where are the wrestling matches?

Where are the arcade machines?

You can’t play Double Dragon in a creek

CHORUS

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

VERSE 3

There are no animals in the forest

Except the ones that can kill you

Grizzlies will eat you alive

You can’t talk about barbarians and wizards with a bear

CHORUS

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

FINAL VERSE

If trees had wi-fi signals

I’d go there in a heartbeat

And order fried chicken from Door Dash

Easy Kill

 CHORUS

Everyone’s a badass ‘til they’re lying on their backs

Every Chad is beefy ‘til he’s eaten like a snack

Taking you out will hardly require any skill

In the end, you’re nothing but an easy kill

VERSE 1

You got your black belt in Brazilian jujitsu

From a guy who teaches class on French ninjitsu

You’re the master of the art of Mexican kung fu

But when you ask for a medal, they say, “Fuck you!”

The only ring that you’ve ever been inside

Was the one that made your cock stand up with pride

Your chin is made of glass, knocked out on your ass

You’re the same as every slacker in junior high gym class

CHORUS

Everyone’s a badass ‘til they’re lying on their backs

Every Chad is beefy ‘til he’s eaten like a snack

Taking you out will hardly require any skill

In the end, you’re nothing but an easy kill

VERSE 2

You have thousands of confirmed kills in the army

But you had a bazooka, they had rakes for farming

I bet if I melted down your precious combat medals

I couldn’t buy a candy bar or coffee for the kettle

I’d pay for your medicine, but you voted against it

Because you want to be a good Confederate descendant

What’re you going to do when your leg snaps in half

When you run a marathon from your problematic past?

CHORUS

Everyone’s a badass ‘til they’re lying on their backs

Every Chad is beefy ‘til he’s eaten like a snack

Taking you out will hardly require any skill

In the end, you’re nothing but an easy kill

VERSE 3

Your life is like an arcade continuation screen

You’ve got ten seconds to put more coins in the machine

But even with another life, fighting games don’t teach

All the macho manliness that you love to fucking preach

EXTENDED CHORUS

Everyone’s a badass ‘til they’re lying on their backs

Every Chad is beefy ‘til he’s eaten like a snack

Taking you out will hardly require any skill

In the end, you’re nothing but an easy kill

Everyone’s undefeated until they lose clean

From a head kick turned horror movie scene

Everyone’s a champion ‘til the belt is gone

An easy kill like you could never last long

Psycho Crusher

VERSE 1

My psycho power knows no limits

Wreck your ass within just a minute

Steal your soul in a ritual so dark

Your new nickname is The Human Scar

CHORUS

Psycho Crusher! X4

VERSE 2

Throw your fireballs all you desire

Throw your lightning kicks until you tire

A hundred hand slap could finish any fight

But victory is mine even if only for tonight

Meet me in Thailand for the final round

Throw punches so hard, they shake the ground

This world is mine to conquer and rule

You’re a worthy opponent, but a blind fool

CHORUS

Psycho Crusher! X4

M. BISON QUOTE

Get lost! You can’t compare with my powers!

VERSE 3

You trained your ass off to get to this point

But in the end, your battle cries are white noise

Your hurricane kicks are just cheap ass tricks

Your dragon punches make me fucking sick

You never stood a chance in my tournament

You plead for mercy without earning it

Better luck next time, you second rate hack

Try again when you’re not lying on your back

CHORUS

Psycho Crusher! X4

M. BISON QUOTE

Anyone who opposes me must be destroyed!

Wreck-It Ralph

MOVIE TITLE: Wreck-It Ralph

DIRECTOR: Rich Moore

YEAR: 2012

GENRE: Children’s 3D Animation

RATING: PG for comic mischief

GRADE: Pass

In a digital universe inhabited by arcade game characters, Wreck-It Ralph is the bad guy of his respective videogame Fix-It Felix. As such, he feels unappreciated by his good guy cohorts and seeks to do gain a hero medal from another game. He finds one in a first person shooter called Hero’s Duty, but takes it with him to a candy-themed racing game called Sugar Rush. There he meets a glitch character named Vanellope who feels just as isolated as he does. The two annoy the hell out of each other, but agree to help each other achieve their goals, Ralph’s being to retrieve the medal and Vanellope’s being to win the race. Standing in their way are the tyrannical King Candy and a virus bug from Hero’s Duty that swarms and multiplies.

The message of this movie is one we’ve heard time and time again, but it never gets old because we have to keep reminding ourselves of it. That message is to be yourself and be proud of who you are. Don’t let the world bring you down and don’t let anybody else define who you should be. If you want to be well-liked, do something admirable and leave the trophies and petty jewelry behind. A medal is a tiny coin, but a legacy is something that lasts forever. This whole movie is a journey for Wreck-It Ralph to find acceptance by doing what he does best: destroy things. He tried too hard to be the good guy and he ended up being a worse bad guy. As far as Vanellope goes, she too has a journey to go through that involves individuality. She’s spunky, sweet, and delightfully annoying, yet she’s the most determined racer in Sugar Rush. Ralph and Vanellope are characters we can get behind as well as the others who support them like Fix-It Felix and the captain from the first person shooter Tamora Jean Calhoun. That’s what makes the message of the movie so special: relatable characters.

Another thing I must applaud this movie for his the creativity it took to make this movie. This could be considered fan fiction in some ways because it features M. Bison and Zangief from Street Fighter II and Bowser from the Mario games just to name a few. Granted, those are cameo appearances, but the movie still makes good use of them as part of a bad guy support group. The Sugar Rush videogame is candy-themed, so everything from the Laffy Taffies to the chocolate quicksand to the Mentos and Diet Coke lair is well-done, well-placed, and important to our story. Creativity also involves the various outcomes and high and low points of the movie, not just physical features. The big low point at the end will make you weep, the sweet ending will make you giddy inside, and the build up to both of those things will remind you of a brother-sister dynamic at home. When it comes to creativity, the makers of Wreck-It Ralph left no stone unturned and made sure the audience went home happy.

Speaking of making everything click, the storyline actually makes sense considering all of the variables in this movie. Whenever a game glitches or has a character crossover, the arcade machine is “out of order” and pulling the plug on it will erase the entire game. There’s a train station connecting all the games together via the power strip and its various cords, which is important for keeping everybody in order and with their own games. Crossing over is actually a huge no-no in this world, which is no more evident than when Wreck-It Ralph accidentally leads a virus bug into Sugar Rush and all of his friends have to come rescue him before it multiplies. When you have a movie with this many loose ends, it needs its own set if strict rules so that it doesn’t become too unbelievable. I commend anybody who can maintain order with this much chaos going on.

If you’re looking for an enjoyable movie for the whole family, young or old, be sure to watch Wreck-It Ralph. Older audience members will have retro-grade nostalgia for these arcade games. Younger audiences will enjoy the quirky characters and their silly jokes. Film critics will love how everything clicks together and nothing is left unattended to. It shouldn’t come as a big surprise that this movie won a boat-load of awards and was the 14^th highest grossing film of 2012. A passing grade will go to this piece of 3D animated joy. How does that sound?

"Super Mario" by Jeff Ryan

BOOK TITLE: Super Mario: How Nintendo Conquered America

AUTHOR: Jeff Ryan

RELEASE DATE: 2011

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Videogame Biography

GRADE: Pass

From Nintendo’s early days with the Donkey Kong arcade game to the present day with Super Mario Wii, Jeff Ryan documents the history of the Mario character and how over many decades he became the symbol of excellence for video gaming. This constant promotion of such a simple, let lovable character didn’t come without hardship. Nintendo had to constantly put out games and consoles that rivaled other systems like the Sega Genesis, Sony Play Station, and the Microsoft X-Box to name a few. Sometimes Nintendo won these rivalries, sometimes they were hit hard with a massive loss in revenue. Even today Nintendo struggles to keep Mario relevant in a generation full of new gadgets and principles.

First and foremost, the research Mr. Ryan conducted along with this previous knowledge of videogames shines through for this book. Every detail is so intricate that trusting this book for its word wouldn’t be too far out of bounds. The computer lingo might sound a bit confusing at first, but it’ll all make sense the closer you get to the middle and end of the book. My only question to Mr. Ryan is, how exactly did he find this information out? Did he individually ask the Nintendo execs about everything they know or did he have to surf every crevice of the web? Don’t worry, I’m not calling him out on any flaws; it just piques my curiosity, that’s all.

Many people on Good Reads have criticized Jeff Ryan’s use of pop culture references, particularly as he fused them into the writing style to make it his own. Normally, pop culture references are a no-no in literature due to the reader’s off chances that he might not know what the author is talking about. Jeff Ryan can get away with it, though, because Mario culture is pop culture. The references don’t go too far off from the videogame genre and are actually amusing to listen to from time to time. In short, I believe the energetic writing style is fun to read and would make Mr. Ryan’s job as a writer for the Huffington Post much more believable to a layman.

And now we get to my favorite part of any book I give a passing grade, the pacing. The pacing is somewhat slower than what I usually read, but that doesn’t bother me at all. It only bothered me during the opening chapters when Nintendo was just a generic entertainment company instead of a Mario and Donkey Kong giant. My patience kicked in and the book has been an enjoyable read ever since. This would be the time where I encourage all of my readers to have at least some level of patience when dealing with a new book or a new author. The excitement will happen one way or another. Such is the case with “Super Mario” by Jeff Ryan.

If you’re feeling nostalgic about your videogame-playing past, this book is for you. It’s not only good for getting that warm fuzzy feeling flowing through your bloodstream, but it’s also educational, particularly as it relates to running a business. Running a business of any kind is hard work and in this screwed up economy, most of them either don’t make it or barely make enough to survive by the skin of their teeth. I have a new appreciation for what business owners have to go through on a daily basis. It still doesn’t mean I’m letting them get away with tax cuts for billionaires or exploiting foreign workers. Just throwing that out there.