Bluesky: It's Still a Social Media Site and Dogpiling Over Little Shit Is Still a Problem

 

Cybertruck: The Only Vehicle That Will Get You a DUI Even Though You're Sober

 

Ariel Winter with the Sting Operation of the Century

 

Jerry Seinfeld: Living Proof That Not All Dinosaurs Were Wiped Out

 

Chelsea Green from WWE vs. Your Average Twitter Psycho, Who Is Not a Real Leftist, But a LARPer

 

Luke Skywalker vs. Ashley St. Clair: Cringe Culture Must Die

 

Gary "Space" Kadet: Hates Women, Loves the Smell of His Own Farts...and Also Those of His Sock Puppets

 

John Cleese: a Free Speech Warrior Who Can't Talk Because He's Licking J.K. Rowling's Boots

 

Lars Sullivan: Another Ex-WWE Loser Trying to Get Back in the Spotlight by Saying Stupid Shit Online

 

Linda McMahon: the Raw Sewage in the McMahon Family Gene Pool

 

Mike Cernovich: Blackbelt in Keyboard Karate, Not Even a White Belt in Real Martial Arts

 

George W. Bush: a War Criminal Who's Somehow Not as Bad as Trump

 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez vs. Alex Stein: Since When Is Sexual Abuse Considered Free Speech?

 

Ken Jennings vs. Mike Richards: Careers in Jeopardy

 

Safeway vs. Twitter: What Is a Marketplace?

 

Tuomas Holopainen from Nightwish

 

Elon Musk and Vivian Wilson: Money For Nothing

 

Keffals vs. Libs of Tik Tok

 

And before anyone asks, I'm not buying what Some Ordinary Gamers says about Keffals.

Chris Taylor Brown from Trapt

 

Try That in a Comedy Club

VERSE 1: CHEESY COMEDIAN

“Rabbits going back is a receding hare line

That chick’s a parking ticket, ‘cause damn, she’s fine

There’s only one way to catch a unique rabbit

Unique up on it, gob-less the sabbath

I did a line of coke and I wrote down the joke

Rolled a joint full of green and I gave it a smoke

I can make a lot of pennies off the number 420

And the number 69, yo, I got to get mine”

 

CHORUS 1

Try that in a comedy club

You can go to the Apollo, but you’ll get no love

You can call it cancel culture, but I call it fate

Maybe there’s a reason why you get all the hate

 

VERSE 2: EDGY COMEDIAN

“I like to slap bitches, I like to slap hoes

Take a pair of brass knucks across her perfect nose

I identify as the guy who pulls out a knife

Carves the N-word on your head, watch that shit bleed red

You can’t cancel me, ‘cause I’ve got all the money

I’m the only one who decides what’s funny

Not my audience or the world wide web

I’ll be triggering you all ‘til the day I’m dead”

 

CHORUS 1

Try that in a comedy club

You can go to the Apollo, but you’ll get no love

You can call it cancel culture, but I call it fate

Maybe there’s a reason why you get all the hate

 

VERSE 3: ME

You could never measure up to George Carlin’s legend

You say you speak the truth, but he’s the only one who said it

Context is important, but to you it doesn’t matter

‘Cause a list of racial slurs is your ticket to laughter

If a million people laugh, then that’s a million idiots

If a million defend you, then that’s a million hypocrites

At your own funeral, you ain’t an unexpected guest

But nobody showed up to lay your ass to rest

 

CHORUS 2

Try that in the Hall of Fame

All you mediocre men sound about the same

You’d never laugh at a woman on stage

Unless of course she shared your bigoted rage

Try that at the Kennedy Center

Even if you blew the owner, he wouldn’t let you enter

Try that on your Nazi bird app

You’re not triggering the libs, ‘cause no one gives a crap

 

OUTRO: REAL COMEDIAN

“Of course Elon Musk likes to call Twitter X. He’s racked up a lot of exes, because he couldn’t give them O’s on his best day.”

(Audience laughter)