HEY, HEY, HEY! We Got Another Hollywood Reboot!

 

The Shield: David Aceveda vs. Juan Lozano a.k.a. the Award-Winning Meteorologist

 

Dr. Larry Nassar: His Medical License Was Suspended, But His Prison Sentence Was Not

 

Jimmy Fallon Has a Very Special Guest Tonight...

 

Brock "The Stanford Rapist" Turner: If He Wants to Swim Again, Make Sure There Are Cottonmouths in the Water with Him

 

Cesar Chavez: Right Message, Wrong Messenger (Rest in Piss, You Pervert)

 

Jerry Sandusky: When He Needs Every Staff Member Available, He Says, "All Hands on Dick, I Mean, Deck!"

 

Mike Cernovich: Blackbelt in Keyboard Karate, Not Even a White Belt in Real Martial Arts

 

Blackjack Randall from Outlander vs. Kyle Royce from TikTok: Guess Who's Winning Based On Their Filmography

 

Roy Moore Should Be No More

 

This one's obviously more serious than the others I've drawn. Darker, too.

R.E.M. vs. Russell Brand: Losing My Religion

 

Brett Kavanaugh: The DUI Hire of The Supreme Court

 

I won't worry if Brett Kavanaugh tries to sue me for libel. He won't make a convincing argument to the jury, because he'll be hammered the entire time and he'll slur his words beyond recognition.

Matt Riddle: The Reason We're #SpeakingOut

 

Radiohead vs. Danny Masterson

 

The Radiohead lyrics are from the song "Creep". Danny Masterson would absolutely take those lyrics literally.

William Lewis and Liv Benson from Law & Order: SVU

 

Molly Carlson vs. Mike Tyson

 

Donald Trump's family tree

 

Low Bar

You’re still nicer than a murderer in prison

You’re still tougher than a newborn kitten

You’re still smarter than dirty toilet paper

Still more put-together than a meth taker

Still wiser than a screaming kid on a plane

You’re still a better brother than Cain

You’re still a better writer than E.L. James

Still more tolerable than hemorrhoid pain

Still more beautiful than a razor-fanged demon

Still more innocent than a pedophile’s semen

Still healthier than grandpa on his deathbed

Still less ironic than a rapist going to heaven

Still younger than the corpse of Cleopatra

Don’t let these low bars become a distraction

You wanted some good news for once

This is all I’ve got and it was what it was

I’m sorry the universe is working against you

I should say that for the whole earth too

We’re all in this together, are you in or out?

If you do nothing, there’s no reason to shout

Bad days will come and go like everything else

If you’re up for it, let’s storm the gates of hell

Good news won’t come unless we make it so

This opportunity is yours to claim or to blow