Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: the Healthiest Couple On Planet Earth

 

Ben Stein: Clear Eyes Is Awesome, Conservatism Is Not

 

Roy Moore Should Be No More

 

This one's obviously more serious than the others I've drawn. Darker, too.

Vivek Ramaswamy: Jesus Loves Him, Everyone Else Thinks He's an Asshole, Even His Own Party

 

Dana Loesch: She Shoots from the Hip...at Unarmed Black People

 

Catey Zolot, Physically Ill Religious Kid from "Jumping For Jesus"

 

R.E.M. vs. Russell Brand: Losing My Religion

 

James Acaster vs. Graham Linehan: The Loser Gets TERF Island

 

Lyle Shelton: Irony Personified

 

Seth Morrison from Skillet, a "Nonconforming" Christian Rock Band with Brainwashed Members

 

Michael & Debi Pearl: Child Beaters Extraordinaire

 

Korey Cooper from Skillet

 

Justin Cordle from We As Human

 

Julie Gebhards, President of the Reads with Rachel Fan Club

 

Jen Ledger from Skillet

 

Bleecker Bob clerk from Seinfeld vs. Samantha Fulnecky

 

BLEECKER BOB: I’ll give you five bucks.

 

KRAMER AND NEWMAN: Five bucks?!

 

NEWMAN: You know how much that essay is worth?

 

BLEECKER BOB: I do. Five dollars.

 

NEWMAN: That essay is worth more than five dollars!

 

KRAMER: He’s gypping us!

 

NEWMAN: You’re gypping us!

 

BLEECKER BOB: Well, what do you got here, she used the Bible as a credible source, didn’t even site the scriptures in it, and she can’t write worth a damn, now come on!

 

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, Samantha Fulnecky has a cult following.

 

NEWMAN: They follow her everywhere like a cult.

 

KRAMER: She can’t even walk down the street in Oklahoma.

 

BLEECKER BOB: Well, that’s her problem. If you don’t like it, too bad.

 

KRAMER: I don’t like it.

 

NEWMAN: I don’t like it.

 

BLEECKER BOB: Well, then get the hell out of my store. You bring me some good writing, and I’ll give you some money.

 

KRAMER: Alright, we’ll be back, Jack.

 

NEWMAN: Alright, we’ll be back, Jack!

Irresponsible Christian Parody

VERSE 1

What would Jesus do? Pretty much anyone

Who walks on water with God’s favorite son

He gives me strength for an eternal length

He makes me sing for the blessings he brings

My heart flutters every time I hear his name

Suddenly masturbation doesn’t feel like a shame

He brings me the hope and peace I’ve looked for

Ever since I walked into that Christian bookstore

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

VERSE 2

Nonbelievers say that we’ll never last

They’ve got too many stones to cast

The only stones I’ve got belong to you

My boss is a carpenter and a practicing Jew

Let’s build Noah’s Ark with our bare hands

Collect every animal across these lands

Show them the love we have between us

Teach them to value the life of a fetus

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

VERSE 3

The planet is melting, the oceans are boiling

But only because hell on earth is uncoiling

Let’s show them what we’ve got with prayers

Why should we blame it all on the industrial air?

Your love will set the human race totally free

If that makes us fruitcakes, be our honeybee

Only one way to heaven and it’s not a stairway

It’s to kneel for Jesus while bashing the gays

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

FINAL LINE

April Fools, bitches! Hail Satan!

Swearison

VERSE 1

I swore at Lego Land and the Great Wolf Lodge

I swore as a teenager under parental watch

I swore when I cleaned dog shit off the floor

I swore until my motherfucking throat was sore

Letting out swear words is a form of therapy

I don’t give a shit if it’s a form of heresy

I don’t give a flying fuck who I offend

I take a deep breath and turn it up to ten

CHORUS

You can call me Swearison

Or you call me a barbarian

I’m sorry for your embarrassment

But you’re hanging out with Swearison

VERSE 2

I scream goddamn it when I bang my elbow

I yell motherfucker when I stub my big toe

I shout Jesus Christ when I bang my head

I bellow like a beast and wake the fucking dead

I should probably sign up for anger management

But it’s too much fun to commit sacrilege

It’s too exciting to shout from the rooftop

Get out of the kitchen if you think it’s too hot

CHORUS

You can call me Swearison

Or you call me a barbarian

I’m sorry for your embarrassment

But you’re hanging out with Swearison

VERSE 3

Cussing in a church or in a courthouse

Using more sex puns than a whorehouse

Cussing in school or a grade below this

Life’s too short for G-rated bullshit

Cussing in a theater with a Disney flick

The Little Mermaid’s tower looks like a dick

Cussing isn’t stupid or even immoral

If you don’t like it, you can give me some oral

EXTENDED CHORUS

You can call me Swearison

Or you call me a barbarian

I’m sorry for your embarrassment

But you’re hanging out with Swearison

My real name is Garrison

I’m a loud and proud heretic

I’m sorry for your sensitivity

I guess you’re really just shitting me