Lyle Shelton: Irony Personified

 

Irresponsible Christian Parody

VERSE 1

What would Jesus do? Pretty much anyone

Who walks on water with God’s favorite son

He gives me strength for an eternal length

He makes me sing for the blessings he brings

My heart flutters every time I hear his name

Suddenly masturbation doesn’t feel like a shame

He brings me the hope and peace I’ve looked for

Ever since I walked into that Christian bookstore

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

VERSE 2

Nonbelievers say that we’ll never last

They’ve got too many stones to cast

The only stones I’ve got belong to you

My boss is a carpenter and a practicing Jew

Let’s build Noah’s Ark with our bare hands

Collect every animal across these lands

Show them the love we have between us

Teach them to value the life of a fetus

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

VERSE 3

The planet is melting, the oceans are boiling

But only because hell on earth is uncoiling

Let’s show them what we’ve got with prayers

Why should we blame it all on the industrial air?

Your love will set the human race totally free

If that makes us fruitcakes, be our honeybee

Only one way to heaven and it’s not a stairway

It’s to kneel for Jesus while bashing the gays

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

FINAL LINE

April Fools, bitches! Hail Satan!

Rock and Roll Will Never Die

VERSE 1

Rock and roll will never die

No sense in spreading that lie

Stop blaming my generation

For your downward destination

Any youngster can pick up an axe

Shred that shit and kick some ass

We’ve come to invoke the spirit

You’ve got no choice but to hear it

CHORUS

Rock is immortal!

Open hell’s portal!

Rock never died!

Join the dark side!

VERSE 2

I don’t judge my fellow human

By his preference of music

Only by his obnoxious hubris

Only by his points so stupid

Don’t thumb your nose at me

For the things that I believe

For the music I love so much

The bands with the Midas touch

CHORUS

Rock is immortal!

Open hell’s portal!

Rock never died!

Join the dark side!

VERSE 3

Call it devil’s music if you choose

This fiery debate is yours to lose

Thump your bible, spread the libel

Crashing and burning is your style

Blast your bullshit through a bullhorn

You’ll never settle this age old score

Guitars and drums are here to stay

Even on the holiest of sunny Sundays

EXTENDED CHORUS

Rock is immortal!

Open hell’s portal!

Rock never died!

Join the dark side!

Rock is my savior!

For my darkest anger!

Rock is my heaven!

Rock is my weapon!