Korey Cooper from Skillet

 

Justin Cordle from We As Human

 

John Cooper (Skillet) X Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch)

 

Irresponsible Christian Parody

VERSE 1

What would Jesus do? Pretty much anyone

Who walks on water with God’s favorite son

He gives me strength for an eternal length

He makes me sing for the blessings he brings

My heart flutters every time I hear his name

Suddenly masturbation doesn’t feel like a shame

He brings me the hope and peace I’ve looked for

Ever since I walked into that Christian bookstore

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

VERSE 2

Nonbelievers say that we’ll never last

They’ve got too many stones to cast

The only stones I’ve got belong to you

My boss is a carpenter and a practicing Jew

Let’s build Noah’s Ark with our bare hands

Collect every animal across these lands

Show them the love we have between us

Teach them to value the life of a fetus

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

VERSE 3

The planet is melting, the oceans are boiling

But only because hell on earth is uncoiling

Let’s show them what we’ve got with prayers

Why should we blame it all on the industrial air?

Your love will set the human race totally free

If that makes us fruitcakes, be our honeybee

Only one way to heaven and it’s not a stairway

It’s to kneel for Jesus while bashing the gays

CHORUS

Walk on water with the one I love

Enter paradise in the heavens above

Listen to the music of golden harps

And the beating of my bleeding heart

FINAL LINE

April Fools, bitches! Hail Satan!

Tastes Like Chicken

(As a parody of “Back From the Dead” by Skillet.)

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

Hot and crispy in the deep fryer

‘Cause you all try to wolf me down

A big belly for the hungry buyer

Putting on a hundred more pounds

The extra carbs bulking up your thighs

A diabetes pen just to stay alive

The Colonel comes out at night

He’s gonna cook me

He’s gonna eat me

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

Light it up, light it up, fry the chicken

Feel the rush, feel the rush of your insulin

Here’s your food, here’s your coke, here’s your fries

‘Cause I’m bok, bok, bok from the dead tonight

To the floor, to the floor, have a heart attack

Flying high is your pulse while you’re on your back

Full of fluff like a bird that ate rice

‘Cause I’m bok, bok, bok from the dead tonight

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

Eat the skin, it’s the best part

Take a six or seven hour nap

Unleash the beast, a typhoon fart

Now your bed is full of piss and crap

The extra carbs bulking up your thighs

A diabetes pen just to stay alive

The Colonel comes out at night

He’s gonna cook me

He’s gonna eat me

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

Light it up, light it up, fry the chicken

Feel the rush, feel the rush of your insulin

Here’s your food, here’s your coke, here’s your fries

‘Cause I’m bok, bok, bok from the dead tonight

To the floor, to the floor, have a heart attack

Flying high is your pulse while you’re on your back

Full of fluff like a bird that ate rice

‘Cause I’m bok, bok, bok from the dead tonight

Deep fried, homicide, a beached whale in the tide

Mashed potatoes on the side

Feeling full, feeling wide

The Colonel comes out at night

He’s gonna cook me

He’s gonna eat me

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok

Light it up, light it up, fry the chicken

Feel the rush, feel the rush of your insulin

Here’s your food, here’s your coke, here’s your fries

‘Cause I’m bok, bok, bok from the dead tonight

To the floor, to the floor, have a heart attack

Flying high is your pulse while you’re on your back

Full of fluff like a bird that ate rice

‘Cause I’m bok, bok, bok from the dead tonight

Dead tonight!

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok from the dead tonight!

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok dead tonight!

B-B-B-B-B-Bok-Bok-Bok from the dead tonight!

Youth of the Nation

***YOUTH OF THE NATION***

Even though some of the songs on my iTunes play list are considered “Christian rock”, I am by no means religious. But even with my proud atheist liberal stance, I can appreciate the message of POD’s “Youth of a Nation”. Instead of trying to push an agenda, the song is simply a mourning of all of the lives lost due to school shootings. In all of the debates going on politically, the one thing we always seem to forget is to care for one another and be the best neighbors we can be. Hugs and hair fuzzles can go a long way. Hell, it may even be the last time you get to do something like that for the ones you love. Show your love often and in huge volumes. People remember that sort of thing, so much so that they’ll take it to the grave with them when the time finally comes to die. Here are the lyrics to “Youth of a Nation”:

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would've known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye

I didn't tell her that I loved her and how much I care
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared

Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest

Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn't hear nothing

Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don't really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it's because

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel

Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself

She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces

Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool

He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide

It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then

You cross the line and there's no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don't take away the pain

That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies
Don't nobody know why
It's the blind leading the blind

I guess that's the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody's got to know

There's got to be more to life than this
There's got to be more to everything
I thought exists

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

It’s a brand new week and a brand new prompt. This time we’ve got “Deception” and a story called “Exposed”, which goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Trent O’Neil, Math Teacher

Juliet Farrell, Freshman Student

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Trent deceived the whole school into thinking he was a decent human being.

SYNOPSIS: In order to improve her math grade, Juliet has been spending extra time after school with Trent as her unofficial tutor. On the eve of a midterm test, Trent leaves the classroom to use the toilet and forgets to lock his desk drawers. Juliet goes to leave her extra credit assignment on the desk and gets suspicious when one of the drawers is ajar. She opens it and becomes horrified when she sees nude photos of herself neatly stacked inside. Trent comes back from his bathroom break and tries to “explain” how nude photos of Juliet ended up in his desk. The student tries to escape, but the teacher is blocking the only exit. It’s fight or flight for the little freshman and she hits hard.

***OCCUPY WRESTLING***

With the completion of Chapter Ten’s editing chores, I have officially crossed the halfway threshold of this novel. Ten more chapters and we’re ready to rock and roll. Ten more chapters. I can do ten more chapters. The eleventh one will probably get a complete overhaul since it’s the scene where Nina Jordan traces one of Keegan’s prison phone calls to an abandoned gas station. At least I think that’s the one, I’m not sure. If it is, then I’ll have to involve a large number of cops along with the ever-present Snakes of Jehovah. I can do this. I can goddamn do this.

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DWAYNE PRIDE: Lay off the bee puns!

SONJA PERCY: Yeah, it’s not like this is a sting operation.

-NCIS: New Orleans-

***POST-SCRIPT***

Speaking of that TV show, John Oliver asked a very important question in one of his “Last Week Tonight” episodes: “How can there be that many dead navy sailors in New Orleans?!”