Skillset Puts the MAGA in Magazine! HOO-RAH! MAN SHIT!

 

Ashlee Evans-Smith: She Beat Fallon Fox and She's Somehow Still Bitching About Unfairness

 

Night Ride

Put a fucking muffler on your ’57 Chevy

It ain’t that deep and it ain’t that heavy

The rest of the block is trying to sleep

And you’re raping our ears like a bus stop creep

Mediocre white guy going for a night ride

You’re a perfect candidate for a gangland drive-by

You peaked in high school and it never got better

Yet you throw shade at those who ain’t swimming in cheddar

Your noisy engine is your personality

It’s all that’s remembered after road fatalities

Adrenaline junky looking for your next high

So you speed towards the ramp, get ready to fly

Motocross, but with a piece of shit car

You might have had a few Miller Lites at the bar

Mix it with your Monster and a case of Red Bull

MAGA flag on one side, the other side is rebel

Hoot and holler so they can hear you in China

And if they complain, say they have a vagina

That’s full of sand and pieces of Mae Young’s hand

Congratulations, you’re an Aaron Lewis cover band

Speed right off into the dark of the night

And if you get pulled over, put your dukes up and fight

Blue Lives Matter until you throw the first punch

Now a fully loaded pistol is eating you for lunch

Should we call you patriotic or have a good laugh?

I’d call you a comedian, but you suck at the craft

Your whole life is comedy, it’ll end in tragedy

Even worse if you’re a student at the Rape Academy

Zoltan Bathory from Five Finger Death Punch

 

John Cooper (Skillet) X Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch)

 

Dude Bros

VERSE 1

Dude Bros are pretty, Dude Bros are good

Seems that all they’ve ever wanted was a Monster

Chads are having hot sex, just like they should

Seems that all the Single Pringles need a martyr

CHORUS 1

This is a call to all the pickup tuckers

And cheerleader fuckers

This is a call to all the rap metal bangers

And crystal meth takers

VERSE 2

Kyles are pretty, Kyles are cool

Seems that all they ever wanted was some Death Punch

Karens are like Kyles, but they’re just old school

They say, “Let me speak to your manager” way too much

CHORUS 2

This is a call to all the valor thieves

“Freedom is not free!”

This is a call to all the armchair quarterbacks

“Alternative facts!”

VERSE 3

Kevins are pretty, Kevins are loud

Seems that all they ever wanted was a handgun

Landons are rich kids, Landons are proud

Egos are so big, they think they’ll get a fandom

CHORUS 3

This is a call to all the manly tough guys

Draft dodgers in disguise

This is a call to all the MMA wing nuts

Tapped out to a paper cut

This is a call to all the mansplainers

Whiny complainers

This is a call to all the Dudely Dude Bros

And their bigoted prose