Alfred Konuwa: Master of (Sock) Puppets

 

Chelsea Green from WWE vs. Your Average Twitter Psycho, Who Is Not a Real Leftist, But a LARPer

 

Gary "Space" Kadet: Hates Women, Loves the Smell of His Own Farts...and Also Those of His Sock Puppets

 

Mike Cernovich: Blackbelt in Keyboard Karate, Not Even a White Belt in Real Martial Arts

 

The Anti-Garrison: He's Like the Antichrist, But For Me, Garrison

 

Every bully and abuser I've ever had is a brainwashed cult member. The Anti-Garrison is their god.

Blackjack Randall from Outlander vs. Kyle Royce from TikTok: Guess Who's Winning Based On Their Filmography

 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez vs. Alex Stein: Since When Is Sexual Abuse Considered Free Speech?

 

Garrison vs. Miguel (YouTube Troll)

 

Garrisimp

 

Troll's Tears

If my mini fridge wasn’t stocked with Mountain Dews

Cans of troll’s tears are what I’d choose

Not a scarce resource, I’d stay hydrated forever

‘Cause those bitches are crying like it’s rainy weather

Is it any coincidence that it tastes so salty?

You got to be salty if petty is what you call me

Jealousy and envy over individuality

They’re mediocre and plain, that’s their whole reality

They see the world through a black and white lens

It makes me wonder how they have any friends

They’re a bigger pain in the ass than a colonoscopy

Bigger pain than rectal cancer shown in the autopsy

Maybe their bodies on a table is a bunch of wishful thinking

There’s no thinking from them, just some Kool-Aid drinking

Every troll looks the same because they are the same

Trying to out-suck each other in a competitive game

There are no gold medals for their basic bitch statuses

Maybe that explains why they’re so damn mad at us

They’d kill for some color in their plain vanilla world

They’d kill someone anyways, maybe a cute girl

A chick who turned them down in front of the whole town

For being a big nothingburger and an even bigger clown

The only thing bigger is the size of their egos

Yet they’re fragile like glass despite their macho ethos

These pathetic motherfuckers aren’t worth my time

I’ll drink their tears and keep on pumping out rhymes

DIY

VERSE 1: INTERNET TROLL

“Your writing’s so awful, I wish you’d stop

Crimes against humanity, I’ll call the cops

Your books get mentioned in the Geneva Conventions

They’re torture, I’ll call for an Executive Order”

 

CHORUS 1

You want something done right, you got to do it yourself

Come over to my home and ring the doorbell

You better be packing a rocket launcher

Or I’ll enslave you, make you my salad tosser

You’d never risk getting decked in the mouth

You’d never risk getting your tongue pulled out

Keyboard courage doesn’t amount to shit

Dish it out all you want, but you can’t take it

 

VERSE 2: RED PILLER

“I can’t get laid, ‘cause her legs ain’t shaved

Neither are her pits or the nipples on her tits

Every female should look like Wonder Woman

And have a personality so bland and wooden”

 

CHORUS 2

You want something done right, you got to do it yourself

Jack it off, jack it raw for your prostate health

Ain’t nobody going to do it for you

Especially when your hobby is going “pew-pew”

At a high school or a gay rights march

Or a feminist meeting without a patriarch

You got a four-wheel drive playing Kid Rock live

But you got no soul, that’s why you can’t find a hole

 

VERSE 3: POLITICIAN

“I’ll rattle my saber until you do me a favor

Drop to your knees as you try to appease

Kiss my ass until the end of time

Or I’ll lock you up for your treasonous crime”

 

CHORUS 3

You want something done right, you got to do it yourself

Stop hiding behind all your status and wealth

Put your working boots on and let’s get it on

Don’t tell me you’re right, show you’re not wrong

But chickening out is what you do best

And you couldn’t pass a military psych test

Run for the hills, take your Ivermectin pills

Or better yet, cyanide to melt your insides

 

OUTRO

You want something done right, you got to do it yourself

The punk movement said it, yet you somehow forget it

“They’re all too woke and they’re all going soft”

Yet you’re so tough that you hide behind the cops

Hide behind ICE while you pay the price

For your FAFO moment, you refuse to own it

You’re a sheep on the farm being led to slaughter

Shave off your wool, put it on the king’s daughter

Edge Lords

VERSE 1

While my hands are soaking in Ivory liquid

You’re still choking your teenage chicken

While laughing with some rightwing trolls

About Nazi violence so bloody and cold

Ovens and lynchings are hilarious to you

Keep on flashing that disgusting salute

You do it all for the sake of being edgy

While lives are at stake and always ending

CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

VERSE 2

We’ve all been kids at some point or another

But not all of us have beaten each other

Not all of us have gone marching in the streets

Homemade flamethrowers bringing the heat

Not all of us have spewed vitriol and lies

To the point where another wanted to die

You’re not edgy and cool, you fucking fool

You’re just another easily-controlled tool

CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

VERSE 3

None of us are perfect, our sins aren’t worth it

Some of us take the past and fucking burn it

Some of us would rather lead good lives

Than make misogynist jokes to our wives

We’d rather give hugs and not ass kickings

That’s how we diffuse bombs that are ticking

We’d rather create a future we can live in

Heil all you want, but we’ll never give in

EXTENDED CHORUS

Edge lords! They’re coming in hordes!

Edge lords! They draw their swords!

Edge lords! They started this flame war!

Edge lords! I hate what they stand for!

Edge lords! Time to cut the cords!

Edge lords! Short circuit their ports!

Edge lords! Go hide in the sewers!

Edge lords! You fucking losers!

Holding On Forever

VERSE 1

Like a butterfly with its wings ripped off

I can’t forget the pain that’s been wrought

I can carry my baggage for years and years

Sleep comfortably with subconscious fears

Even during moments of quiet and peace

I’m thinking of ways to bleed the creeps

If only I had my very own time machine

Could show my enemies what pain means

CHORUS 1

Holding on forever

Is my only endeavor

If I let go I will fall

Lucky if I can crawl

VERSE 2

Like a concert full of drunk ass punks

My mind doesn’t want to shut its ass up

The tiniest prick of a sewing needle

Is how a battleaxe’s chop must feel

Insults of the lowest common denominator

Feel like I’m trapped with a dominator

I carry that shit for the longest time

If only I could commit the ultimate crime

CHORUS 2

Holding on forever

Ties I cannot sever

If I let go I will drop

Nightmare will not stop

VERSE 3

Like a strongman lifting a refrigerator

I can carry heavy shit forever and later

I remember every troll and every hater

Drinking their blood is what I will savor

Chewing their flesh, dinner and a show

It doesn’t make much sense, I know

You’re always on the outside looking in

Where every evil thought of mine is a sin

CHORUS 3

Holding on forever

Using trauma as a tether

If I let go I will splat

Break my fucking back

Holding on forever

Let go I will never

Nobody will pick me up

Expect me to be tough

Anyone But You

VERSE 1

We could have had a friendly debate

One without judgment or even hate

But you attacked everything about me

You’re a predator with an ego to feed

Build yourself up, knock me down

Like you’re wearing a fucking crown

I’ll spread my wings, fly into the blue

Anyone but you, jerk, anyone but you!

VERSE 2

We could have had a nice dinner date

Ice cream and sex after finishing our plates

But you made me fear for my own safety

That’s why I haven’t been flirty lately

Your soft touch makes my blood go cold

You believe my body is yours to hold

Your so-called love was never even true

Anyone but you, babe, anyone but you!

VERSE 3

You could have taught me a new skill

I wouldn’t have minded the tuition bill

But you marked me with C’s, D’s, and F’s

The midterms hadn’t even started yet

Convince me that I’m mediocre at best

All because I couldn’t pass your test

Class dismissed, nothing more to prove

Anyone but you, prof, anyone but you!

VERSE 4

Dirty bastards come from all walks of life

They don’t always carry a gun or a knife

All they need is just a little bit of power

To turn good people into screaming cowards

Playing with your brain and with your heart

Until you want to rip your fucking skin apart

Whenever she tells you that love is blue

All you have to say is, “Anyone but you!”

VERSE 5

A dead cockroach would be just as friendly

As any role model who plays a better enemy

As any stranger who lacks true empathy

As any troll who laughs at you with anonymity

As any friend who stabs you in the front and back

As any lover who leaves you with eyes so black

As any preacher who thinks his bullshit is true

Anyone but you, fucker, anyone but you!

Twitter Tough Guy

VERSE 1

Seven feet tall, built like a brick wall

Tougher opponents can’t be found at all

A black belt or higher in every martial art

Military training so you can do your part

But your greatest weapon isn’t a pistol

Or a flamethrower to make me sizzle

You pack a punch with a Twitter account

Talk in all caps just to make shit loud

CHORUS

Twitter tough guy! Make the world cry!

Twitter badass! Take us all to class!

Ballsy statements in so few sentences

Too bad there’s nothing to your sentiments

VERSE 2

Lift five hundred pounds at the gym

Flirt with a chick in shorts named Kim

Eat protein bars, drive gas-guzzling cars

Take your selfies like a Twitter rock star

Send your dick pics to random women

Show them the erection you’ve been given

You talk so much, yet have nothing to say

The schedule of your meaningless days

CHORUS

Twitter tough guy! Make the world cry!

Twitter badass! Take us all to class!

Ballsy statements in so few sentences

Too bad there’s nothing to your sentiments

VERSE 3

Shoot your favorite gun just for fucking fun

Mounted on a jeep that weighs a hundred tons

Take a picture that will last until forever

Dare the Twitterverse to find something better

How about buckwheat pancakes with agave nectar?

Especially when they shoot right out of my rectum?

Rebecca Black songs are more exciting than you

You face your victims and don’t know what to do

EXTENDED CHORUS

Twitter tough guy! Make the world cry!

Twitter badass! Take us all to class!

Ballsy statements in so few sentences

Too bad there’s nothing to your sentiments

Twitter boy toy! Who shall you annoy?!

Twitter Romeo! Why don’t you blow me-o!

Twitter Casanova! This is your magnum opus!

Twitter tough guy! Your whole life is a lie!

Everything You Touch

CHORUS 1

Everything you touch turns to piss

Your ignorance is far from bliss

Your hate language is a goodbye kiss

Why should we put up with any of this?

VERSE 1

A frog in one hand, your dick in the other

Pissing all over your human race brothers

You’d sell out your own goddamn mother

To see your face on a memoir book cover

You’d sell your soul for a million dollars

You traded your mind for a tight dog collar

You bought into a world built solely on lies

Now you think you’re Jesus Christ in disguise

CHORUS 2

Everything you touch turns to shit

Every slap in the face is a knockout hit

Every kiss to your loved ones turned to spit

Calling you out will send you into a fit

VERSE 2

Go ahead and try to cut through the human chain

You’re the architect and author of your own pain

Every protest sign you’ve written to yourself

You’re the engineer and CEO of your own hell

For someone who preaches such insensitivity

You sure feel agony until the end of infinity

You say one thing then you do something different

You’re the warden and guard of your own prison

CHORUS 3

Everything you touch turns to vomit

You laugh it off like a standup comic

The only joke I see is your political career

We’re shutting down your campaign of smears

VERSE 3

Enjoy your life as a D+ player

Enjoy your career as a spiteful hater

Enjoy your dreams never coming true

This has never been your red, white, and blue

If you’re so dangerous, put up your dukes

If you’re so inspiring, don’t make us puke

If you’re so noble, put up or shut up

Until then, you’re a troll who’s fucked up

FINAL LINE

Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!

The Geek Store

Dreams are always a wonderful source of creativity. When we have them, it seems as though they’re just random pictures floating through our heads. Do they have meaning? Most of the time they do. I had a dream the other night that might be the inspiration for a business venture should I ever make enough money from being an indie author. In this dream, I went to a place called The Geek Store and bought a whole bunch of graphic novels. I might have gotten some standard novels as well, but for the most part, I got comic books. When I talked about this with my sister-in-law Susan, I began to brainstorm other things I could sell if I decided to open my own version of The Geek Store. So far, I have graphic novels, regular novels, Dungeons & Dragons paraphernalia, toys, Magic: the Gathering cards, and the obligatory snacks people eat whenever they’re engaging in creative activities. I’m pretty sure there are gaming shops that sell these things already. Lord knows I’ve been to a few of them. That means when I eventually buy the rights to The Geek Store, I’ll have to sell more varieties of things. Maybe I should put on some tunes and brainstorm ideas for items at this store in my Lego journal. Journals are good for brainstorming. They really clear up the mind, and, holy shit, there’s another idea for something to sell: themed diaries. With all the things I’ve already listed, how about I just put it this way. I envision The Geek Store being a hybrid of all these other stores: Barnes & Noble, Wizards of the Coast, Lego Land, Toys R Us, and Michael’s Art Shop. All of the sudden, the umbrella term just got opened up to cover more areas. I like that! I like that a lot! Of course, with any business idea, while it may sound like a lot of fun, I do have to keep track of several financial aspects such as taxes and profits. All those numbers can really drain somebody’s creativity before it has the chance to spark in a place like The Geek Store. If I ever do open up such a place, I’ll need a business savvy partner. It doesn’t even have to be somebody I already know. It could just be a random consultant out of the Yellow Pages. I know absolutely nothing about business. I took one class on it when I was in high school and that was during my freshman year when my brain was already turning to liquid shit. Having a business-minded partner would seal the deal if I ever decided to make this store a reality. I’ll even settle for having Paul Heyman as my business associate. Then again, it’s not really settling if you enjoy the guy’s WWE promos. I’d even dare say I’m a Paul Heyman guy. But I’m losing sight of things already. The question of the day is, if I opened a Geek Store in your hometown, would you shop there? Please say yes. Hell, I know you’ll say yes, because you’d have to be a little geeky in order to read my blog in the first place.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What does a futuristic police officer get when he has sex with a prostitute?

A: Robo Clap.