Brock "The Stanford Rapist" Turner: If He Wants to Swim Again, Make Sure There Are Cottonmouths in the Water with Him

 

Tiffany Smiley: Ironic Last Name For Someone Who Shouldn't Smile in Defeat

 

Game of Chicken: Chicago

 

Plot twist: he's actually from Honolulu. Or Los Angeles. Or he's an expatriate living in Mexico City. Or he has a work visa for Calgary.

Open Bar Superstar

VERSE 1

Drink that beer like you’re dying of thirst

Let the poison set in then do your worst

Ranting and raving is what you’re craving

Putting up with you is considered slaving

You belong in the back of a police car

And nowhere near the cacophonic bar

Come back when you gain some IQ points

Realize the annoyance of your own noise

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

VERSE 2

You don’t have to be a nuclear scientist

Just have to sit down and be silent, bitch

You act foolish as you feel the drugs

I wish I had a gun with a chamber full of slugs

Use your fucking head before it explodes

Your body is dumped on the side of the road

It’s only fantasy, but it’s a damn good one

Killing your ass would be so much fun

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

VERSE 3

Don’t you dare get behind the wheel

Or a kick in the nuts is what you’ll feel

You’ve done enough damage for one day

To our ears and brains and it’s not okay

You stole the music from underneath us

The band drove away in their big tour bus

I guess being an idiot is punishment enough

For guys like you with your beer belly stuffed

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

BRIDGE

You’re an alcoholic, far from anonymous

Far from Einstein, far from an economist

Far from the fan that you claim to be

If you’re stealing music from guys like me