Josh Hokit: the Delightful Douche at UFC White House Who Let Michelle Obama Live Rent Free in His Head

 

Game of Chicken: Chicago

 

Plot twist: he's actually from Honolulu. Or Los Angeles. Or he's an expatriate living in Mexico City. Or he has a work visa for Calgary.

Open Bar Superstar

VERSE 1

Drink that beer like you’re dying of thirst

Let the poison set in then do your worst

Ranting and raving is what you’re craving

Putting up with you is considered slaving

You belong in the back of a police car

And nowhere near the cacophonic bar

Come back when you gain some IQ points

Realize the annoyance of your own noise

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

VERSE 2

You don’t have to be a nuclear scientist

Just have to sit down and be silent, bitch

You act foolish as you feel the drugs

I wish I had a gun with a chamber full of slugs

Use your fucking head before it explodes

Your body is dumped on the side of the road

It’s only fantasy, but it’s a damn good one

Killing your ass would be so much fun

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

VERSE 3

Don’t you dare get behind the wheel

Or a kick in the nuts is what you’ll feel

You’ve done enough damage for one day

To our ears and brains and it’s not okay

You stole the music from underneath us

The band drove away in their big tour bus

I guess being an idiot is punishment enough

For guys like you with your beer belly stuffed

CHORUS

Open! Bar! Super! Star! X4

BRIDGE

You’re an alcoholic, far from anonymous

Far from Einstein, far from an economist

Far from the fan that you claim to be

If you’re stealing music from guys like me

"More Headlines" by Jay Leno

“More Headlines” is by no means a novel. In fact, if you tried to commit manslaughter with this book, you would get laughed out of the room by your victim. So instead of analyzing this book blow-by-blow, I’ll post some samples of what you can find in this tiny book. Starting with…

HEADLINE: Crime: sheriff asks for 13.7% increase.
JAY LENO: Okay, Spike, you’ve been hitting two houses a week. Let’s make that three. And Lefty, I want to see twice as many purse snatchings. Let’s all do what we can to help the sheriff.

HEADLINE: Outlaw to announce 3 police promotions.
JAY LENO: Hey, you don’t think these guys are working together, do you?

HEADLINE: Mayor says DC is safe except for murders.
JAY LENO: Oh, that’s a relief. I was afraid I’d get my car radio stolen.

HEADLINE: High-crime areas said to be safer.
JAY LENO: Now, if we could just increase crime in the low-crime areas, they’d be safer too.

HEADLINE: No cause of death determined for beheading victim.
JAY LENO: How about stretched vocal cords?

HEADLINE: Terrorist bought bomb parts at K-Mart.
JAY LENO: Attention K-Mart shoppers: plutonium on aisle 9.

HEADLINE: Thieves steal burglar alarm.
JAY LENO: I wonder what they did with the Porsche that was attached to it.

HEADLINE: Robber’s description: man, possibly a woman, definitely ugly.
JAY LENO: Hmm, the problem is going to be interviewing suspects without hurting their feelings.

HEADLINE: Woman who ran over spouse gets 5-15 years. Told doctors he was possessed by Mickey Mouse.
JAY LENO: What a shame…and on his fiftieth anniversary too.

You want more? You’ll get more as soon as you march your ass to Barnes & Noble and buy a copy! Adios, amigos! Thanks for reading!

　

***TWEET OF THE DAY***

“I can appreciate the irony in finding a coat hanger in a catholic church.”

-Me-