Jon Moxley Is Done Talking and Internet Trolls Should Be Too

 

Samoa Joe: The Last Wrestler on Planet Earth You Want a Receipt From

 

Nyla Rose: the Secret Desire of Transphobic Men Everywhere

 

Marina Shafir: The Heart and Soles of AEW

 

Spice 1 X Jack Perry: Sorry, Ben Shapiro, But Rap Music IS Real Music and Facts Don't Care About YOUR Feelings

 

Vickie Guerrero vs. Eric Trump: Cougars Have Claws and That Doesn't Even Scratch the Surface (BA-DUM, TSS!)

 

Rey Mysterio vs. Dominik Mysterio: a Dad Joke On Mother's Day

 

Nick Gage vs. Edge: Feud of the Year and a Five-Star Classic

 

If You Don't Know Garrison Kelly, You Will Know Smokey Stevens

 

My theme music would be "Nine Lives" by Aerosmith and my finishing moves would be the Spear for pinfalls or The Stump Puller for submissions.

Orange Cassidy (AEW) X Vic Joseph (WWE): It Should Be Called NXXXT

 

If you've ever wondered why Booker T won Worst Television Announcer in the Wrestling Observer awards in 2024 and 2025, it's because he constantly sounds like he's having an orgasm at the announce desk. Stephanie Vaquer would have gotten over regardless, because she's a star.

A Fast Food Worker vs. The Young Bucks

 

r/SquaredCircle vs. The Whole F'n Show

 

Bryan Danielson (AEW) vs. Nick Khan (President of WWE)

 

Val Venis: Former WWE Wrestler, Current Right-Wing Nutjob

 

Jade Cargill vs. George Zimmerman

 

EDIT: I just did a reverse image search on Google and the AI summary first said that Jade Cargill had a cake recipe, then the second time I reverse searched it, the AI said it's a "highly offensive" cartoon that "promotes violence". She's a wrestler, numb nuts! Violence is what she does for a living! It's scripted violence, but it's still violence! I'm more offended at George Zimmerman killing an innocent black kid than I am at Jade Cargill doing wrestling moves! Jesus!

Saraya vs. Reddit Chud

 

Jim Ross X NXT Fan

 

Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Christian Cage

 

The Marsellus Wallace Speech: AEW Edition

 (OOC: I read a blog post today about how Marsellus Wallace's speech to Butch in Pulp Fiction can be applied to any relatable scenario, so I did a parody myself, just like the author did. Ready? Here we go:

We fade in on Bryan Danielson, a 44-year-old pro-wrestler who’s one broken neck away from being confined to a wheelchair. He sits across the table wearing a plain white T-shirt (because he doesn’t believe in consumerism). Sitting on the opposite side off screen is Tony Khan, the Head Honcho at All Elite Wrestling, where Bryan works. Tony sounds like a cross between a delusional billionaire and a giddy fanboy.

TONY (O.S.)

What do you think you’re gonna find when your decades-long career is over? I think you’re gonna find yourself one broken down, sad-ass motherfucker. The thing is, Bryan, you have a shitload of five-star matches. But as painful as it may seem, five-star matches won’t save your life, and yours is over the minute you take another bump. That’s a hard motherfucking fact of life, and it’s one your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. The wrestling business is filled to the brim with unrealistic motherfuckers who say they’re gonna retire but never do. Motherfuckers who thought their asses would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar like Ric Flair and Chris Jericho, it does. If you mean it gets better with age like R-Truth and Trish Stratus? It don’t. Besides, Bryan, how many five-star matches do you got left in you? Two? Wrestlers don’t have an Old-Timer’s League. It was called Heroes of Wrestling and it sucked ass. You came close, but you made it only a handful of times. If you were gonna make it again, you would have done it already. 

Tony holds release papers just out of Bryan’s reach.

TONY (O.S.)

You actually gonna retire this time?

BRYAN

Certainly appears so.

Bryan takes the release papers from Tony’s hand.

TONY

Night of your final retirement speech, you’re gonna feel a slight sting. That’s pride fucking with you. Fuck pride! Pride only hurts, probably about as bad as Jon Moxley suffocating you with a plastic bag. It never helps. You gotta fight through that shit. ‘Cause a year from now when you’re at home banging Brie Bella and hanging out with your two kids Birdie and Buddy, you’re gonna say to yourself, “Tony Khan was right”, which is something I hear from Dave Meltzer pretty much regularly. 

BRYAN

Yeah, me too.

TONY

At AEW Revolution, you job to Jon Moxley. Say it.

BRYAN

At AEW Revolution, I job to Jon Moxley.

The original blog post: https://www.kingdomoffailure.com/post/f-ck-pride-it-only-hurts-it-never-helps

VD at the Dentist's Office

I cross the icy bridge to the dentist’s office

Reach my destination, but find no solace

It’s Valentine’s Day, VD for short

A celebration of romance and genital warts

The perfect day to stick a drill in my mouth

Infected gums, not infected down south

Floss makes me bleed like a broken heart

Like two lovers, my teeth are torn apart

Rince and spit like a fellatio

Lovey-dovey muzak on the radio

Spinning polisher tickles my gums

I scream, but I get the help of no one

“Please be quiet while I’m working on you”

Okay, Britt Baker, tap me out too

Any cavities today or just a hole in my soul?

Just a toothbrush and floss, you’re the boss

I’ll eat my feelings at my local Burger King

Spend money on burgers, not a wedding ring

A pretty smile doesn’t mean a damn thing

I never do it anyways, got nothing nice to sing

At least my dental work isn’t ruined by mono

Sour grapes is my meal, report it like gonzo

News of my heartache broadcast in a frown

Lay alone in bed and put on some “Lonesome Town”

I survived another god forsaken VD

It’s nothing like the shit in movies and TV

I’ll undo my brainwashing somehow, someway

And VD will just be an ordinary day