Bray Wyatt (R.I.P.) vs. Shawn Michaels: Schrodinger's Wrestler

 

Mickie James: Ironically Sex Negative

 

Booker T vs. Triple H

 

The "award-winning announcer" Booker T got buried in 2003 when Triple H not only made a bunch of racist jokes about him, but also beat him decisively at Wrestlemania and got no comeuppance for it. Now it appears the only burying going on is burying the hatchet between the two of them, so that they can join TKO in their quest for milking the fans' wallets for all they're worth with a mediocre product and high ticket prices.

A Chosen Destiny by Drew McIntyre

BOOK TITLE: A Chosen Destiny

AUTHOR: Drew McIntyre (ghostwritten by Sarah Edworthy)

YEAR: 2021

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Wrestling Memoir

GRADE: B

If you’ve watched WWE from the late 2000’s to the 2020’s, you’ve seen the Scottish Psychopath Drew McIntyre on your screen, whether he was an arrogant heel, a brawling monster, or the WWE Champion during the pandemic era. If you want to hear his turbulent story about how he got to that pinnacle and all the obstacles between him and glory, you’ve cracked open the right book. I need to warn you, though, that this book reads like a lot of pro-wrestlers’ memoirs: a childhood dream turned reality with an overabundance of show-don’t-tell violations. Emotional moments that deserved time to breathe barely get a few sentences to describe how Drew was feeling in that moment, which is a shame considering some of the trauma he went through. “I was angry.” “I was sad.” “I wanted to wreck everything.” Not all of the writing is like this, but most of it is. That’s to be expected from celebrity memoirs. If that kind of milk-toast style bothers you or you’re not already part of the wrestling bubble, you may want to keep this book shelved. Otherwise, enjoy the ride!

If you can excuse the bland writing style, then you might be moved by some of these legitimately heartbreaking stories he tells. Winning the WWE Championship in an empty warehouse with no fans to cheer him on is the ultimate bittersweet moment in his career. It’s not nearly as soul-crushing as losing his physically disabled, yet highly optimistic mother to cancer in the middle of his WWE career. Or how about the time when he kept showing up to work plastered because alcohol was the only thing that brought him peace? What about the time when he was fired from WWE along with nine other wrestlers like he was an expendable foot soldier? These are all moments that would destroy any reader if they were explored in depth and with a more descriptive ghostwriter. They still tug at the heartstrings. They still hit me where it hurts. But like I said in the first paragraph, these legitimately painful moments needed time to breathe and develop. Just like Drew was robbed of his Wrestlemania crowd pop, we were robbed of a face full of tears. How’s that for irony?

I wrestled with myself (no pun intended) when trying to decide between a B or a C grade for this memoir. Ultimately, I settled on a B, because Drew McIntyre has an interesting enough life to justify penning a memoir. The way he talks about his obsession with wrestling as a kid and how he brought that fandom into his everyday life? That’s the stuff dreams are made of. Completely transforming his diet and lifestyle after getting fired by WWE? That and touring relentlessly on the indie circuit was exactly what he needed to get back into the company. Getting cheered on by his family in Scotland and his wife in America? That’s what kept him going every night. And then he eventually won the WWE Championship, but that, according to him, was only the beginning of much bigger plans. His newfound work ethic was an admirable thing to see in his process of maturity. But again, it would have meant more with better writing.

A Chosen Destiny is an interesting read, but only if you already follow wrestling. Maybe that was the whole point behind the marketing techniques. Maybe it doesn’t have to be massively appealing to be successful. Should I be more forgiving of books that have a super-niche audience? I’d like to think that’s a good idea. Maybe that’s why I’m being generous with my B grade instead of dropping it to a C. It is a good book for what it is, but I would only recommend it to other wrestling fans. In that respect, the memoir did its job. Drew McIntyre, on the other hand, will hopefully never have to do a long string of jobs ever again. Wrestling fans know what that means.

"Wrestling, Issue Two" by What Culture

BOOK TITLE: Wrestling, Issue Two

AUTHORS: What Culture Staff

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Wrestling Bookzine

GRADE: Mixed

In all the time I’ve spent reviewing books online, I’ve never been more conflicted than after reading this one when deciding what grade to give it. I went into this wanting to give it four stars, maybe even five depending on how deeply the articles affected me. But then came the typographical errors, one after another until they stood out like a sore thumb.

Normally, I’m forgiving of these little mistakes as long as they don’t happen too often in the book. But at some point, I have to start holding the authors accountable and I think now is the time to do it. This bookzine clearly could have benefited from several pairs of fresh eyes when it came to editing. For Christ’s sake, James Dixon’s name was spelled Dioxn. CM Punk’s name was spelled with a lowercase P. And don’t ask me what Mssr is supposed to be, because I don’t know the answer myself. Bottom line: these guys need a more reputable editor.

But I’d be lying if I said those errors completely sucked the enjoyment I got out of reading this bookzine. The content itself is actually fun to read. Some of my favorite articles included Jack the Jobber’s analysis of Lucha Underground, King Ross’s Twitter responses, Axl Rotten’s biography, and Adam Blampied’s fantasy booking of Damien Sandow’s failed Money in the Bank cash-in.

The article about Lucha Underground reminded me a lot of a novella I wrote called Occupy Wrestling with its dark fantasy references and brutal matches. I’d watch the hell out of that show if I knew what channel it was on. Damn it, I want some cartoons and magic in my wrestling!

King Ross was his usual funny self when answering Twitter questions. My favorite response had to be his takedown of the Fastlane pay-per-view concept. “It’s the Fastlane to Wrestlemania! Most of your fans aren’t old enough to drive!” I got a good chuckle out of that one. I also liked his sarcastic butchery of the Divas Championship. Does anybody really mess a title belt with pink butterflies and stereotypical designs on it? Not really.

Axl Rotten’s story was easily the most heartbreaking of the entire bookzine. Here was a man who struggled with child abuse and drug addiction his whole life, but was really the most down-to-earth, sweetest guy anybody ever knew. His Axl Rotten persona was just a persona, nothing more, nothing less. He eventually died in 2016 from a drug overdose in a McDonald’s bathroom and it was before he had the chance to finish his own memoir.

And finally, sex scandal aside, I will always praise Adam Blampied’s storytelling abilities, especially as they relate to his fantasy booking of WWE angles. He actually is a bona fide creative writer, so he knows how to build tension and generate useful plot devices. In the case of Damien Sandow, he would be booked to be an arrogant authority figure who made the heroes miserable rather than be booked how he actually was in the real world: a jobber to everybody and their uncles.

This What Culture production is a must-read for any and all wrestling fans, typos be damned. Don’t let the three-star rating I’m giving it turn you away from the creativity and magic dripping from the pages. The guys at What Culture are hardworking, talented people and they deserve their slice of the literary pie. Enjoy!

"Titan Screwed" by James Dixon and Justin Henry

BOOK TITLE: Titan Screwed: Lost Smiles, Stunners, and Screwjobs

AUTHORS: James Dixon and Justin Henry

YEAR: 2016

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Wrestling Biography

GRADE: Mixed

From the mid to late 1990’s, World Wrestling Federation engaged in a television ratings war with World Championship Wrestling. While WCW had an overloaded roster with high-ranking superstars, WWF had to desperately change direction if they were going to stay in business. Backstage drama between WWF’s top wrestlers Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart led to the infamous Montreal Screwjob, which sewed the seeds for Mr. McMahon’s tyrannical character, which sewed the seeds for WWF’s Attitude Era, a TV-14-rated period in wrestling where edginess and shades of gray characters eclipsed the cartoonish storytelling of the 80’s and early 90’s. By hook or crook, the WWF won the Monday night ratings wars and became the juggernaut we know as WWE today.

The amount of detail and research that went into this biography is amazing. Not one piece of information in this book comes off as slanderous, just simple brutal honesty. I’ve always wondered what it meant when Shawn Michaels “lost his smile” and why it was considered disgusting at the time. It turns out he faked a knee injury so that he wouldn’t have to lose his WWF World Championship to his backstage rival Bret Hart in a credible wrestling match. I’ve also wondered what it was about the Melanie Pillman interview that made it win Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic of 1997 in the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awards. Turns out nobody wants to see a crying widow falling apart on TV while Vince McMahon tries to wash his hands of drug-related controversy. Accurately told stories like these prove that the wrestling business never was and never will be rainbows and skittles. So much anger and toughness runs deep in the veins of everybody who goes out to the ring to put on a show.

The reason I mentioned not knowing much about lost smiles or Melanie Pillman’s interview days after her husband Brian’s death is because there was a period in my life where my mother wouldn’t allow me to watch wrestling (because of its “trashy” content). So when I read about certain things in Titan Screwed that I missed all of those years, I’m suddenly in the mood to watch them. Apparently, Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin at Wrestlemania 13 in a submission match is a five-star classic with hard-hitting moves, a splattering of blood, and a match ending that made both wrestlers look strong. The planning that went into the Montreal Screwjob months later at Survivor Series made me empathetic towards Bret Hart’s seething anger and his physical outbursts, which had to be contained by an entire locker room full of wrestlers. The way these two particular parts of wrestling history were written made the whole story seem novel-like. So intricately detailed, so much dialogue, and so much emotion went into writing this book that I might as well have been reading a classic novel.

As much as I praise the picturesque details of some of the scenes in this book, there’s something about the writing style in general that slows the whole thing down for me. Maybe there’s too much detail. Maybe it’s the dry writing style of the minor parts of the biography. Maybe there’s too much verbiage and not enough action. Maybe it’s the fact that this is in its basic form a biography and not a tried and true memoir. Whatever the case may be, the slow reading pace put a huge strain on my eyes to the point where reading almost became a chore for me. Yes, this book is rich with information I’ve been longing to have since my mother forced me to stop watching wrestling as a teen. But just like with assigned college reading, the pace of the book can make or break the whole thing. In this case, the snail-like reading pace makes me want to downgrade this book to three stars instead of my usual four or five.

While some parts of this book read like a novel, others read like a Plain Jane biography. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that as long as you know what you’re getting into. James Dixon and Justin Henry are two wrestling columnists I trust when it comes to analyzing this particular form of entertainment. They’ve done amazing work with websites like What Culture and Wrestle Crap. If you enjoy their work outside of Titan Screwed, you’ll probably get a good read out of this book. If you’re as anal about a book’s reading pace as I am, you might struggle with this one, but I urge you to make it until the end of the book. You can do it. I believe in you. A mixed grade goes to this simple and clean piece of wrestling literature.

WWE Hell in a Cell: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker

MATCH: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell rubber match
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Hell in a Cell
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence, but realistically, it should be higher due to blood
GRADE: Pass


The Undertaker had been a WWE wrestler since 1990. In those multiple decades of destruction, he has won multiple world titles and created frighteningly violent moments under the gimmick of an undead wrestler. He even had an undefeated streak when it came to competing at Wrestlemania pay-per-views, winning on 21 different occasions. The Hell in a Cell match itself is considered his specialty alongside Casket matches and Buried Alive matches. Bottom line: if you were an opponent of The Undertaker’s, Rest in Peace wouldn’t have been just a meaningless catchphrase. It was your ultimate fate as this demonic warrior dragged you to hell with him.

And then The Undertaker found his ultimate poison in the form of NCAA and UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar. They competed in Hell in a Cell and Biker Chain matches between 2002 and 2003 and Lesnar won all of these encounters. Fast forward to the year 2014, when the most shocking moment in Wrestlemania history overshadowed Daniel Bryan’s WWE Championship win. Lesnar was the one who snapped Undertaker’s undefeated streak and sent him to the hospital that same night.

Ever since that humiliating defeat, questions began to surface as to whether or not The Undertaker should retire from wrestling permanently. Not only was he pushing 50 years old, but the pictures fans took with him showed a weaker version of his former self. The man looked like he was dying from starvation and cancer at the same time. And then he returned to the 2015 Wrestlemania event with packed on muscle and a thicker hairstyle. He defeated Bray Wyatt in a match that was considered to be a classic despite Undertaker’s advanced age.

With this newfound courage, The Undertaker made yet another return at the Battleground pay-per-view when he kicked Brock Lesnar in the balls and gave him two Tombstone Piledrivers, effectively giving Lesnar his win against WWE Champion Seth Rollins via disqualification, when no title can change hands. The rivalry between Lesnar and Taker got so personal that they competed at Summer Slam, where the latter used a desperate low blow to help him achieve victory despite being a baby face.

And then we come to the 2015 Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, where the titular match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker would be the final chapter in their storied rivalry. No more controversy. No more shocks. No more bullshit. Just two warriors being locked in a prison cell and kicking the crap out of each other. When that cell door was closed and chained shut, the two wrestlers would put on a violent clinic that would last in the memories of everybody who watched it.

The match started out with both fighters intending to destroy each other, but ultimately finding counters for each other’s moves. Lesnar tried many times to take Undertaker to Suplex City, but the latter held onto the ropes and punched out his opponent with those huge hands.

And then the counters were over and these two just destroyed each other from this point on. Undertaker shoved Lesnar into a steel ring post and caused his forehead to drool with blood. Lesnar hit The Undertaker with heavy ass steel stairs and busted his forehead open as well. And then there were chair shots, more steel stair shots, and tosses against the chain-link cage. And then came Brock Lesnar’s F5’s and German suplexes. And then came Undertaker’s Hell’s Gate submission hold, which is really just a chokehold against the shins.

The bloody wounds on both combatants’ heads were so severe that the ringside doctor had to be called to patch them up. Undertaker was on his back and being tended to, but Brock Lesnar just wanted to beat the hell out of him some more. So what did the former UFC champion do? He grabbed that doctor and threw him around like a teddy bear. And then there were more beatings, including multiple punches from both fighters that did little to help their head wounds.

Lesnar wants to finish this match badly. He tears up the ring’s protective canvas and exposes the wooden boards underneath. He thinks he’s going to slam Undertaker on these boards and end the deadman’s career. Instead, Lesnar gets a choke slam and a Tombstone Piledriver for his efforts, but kicks out of both. Undertaker thinks he has this one in the bag and uses his throat slash taunt to show Lesnar who’s boss. And then Lesnar uses a low blow of his own and F5’s Undertaker onto the exposed wood for the match-ending three count. The 13 year feud between these two is finally over with Brock Lesnar as the victor.

Despite losing the match and laying in a broken heap, The Undertaker received adulation from everybody who watched that match. The fans were standing up and clapping for him. John Layfield, a normally heel commentator, was paying his respects to The Undertaker’s 25-year career. And me? I’m giving this match a passing grade and a TV-MA rating. The match itself was bloody, vicious, violent, and barbaric. Lesnar and Taker didn’t just have a wrestling match. They went to war with each other. If they were given AK-47’s and bazookas, you’re damn right they would have used them on each other. They would set the entire world on fire just to burn each other alive. That kind of sadism is why Undertaker got the respect he got at the Staples Center that night.

And then the ultimate act of disrespect and a candidate for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic came when all four members of The Wyatt Family surrounded the ring with Undertaker struggling to stay standing. Bray Wyatt, Braun Strowman, Erick Rowan, and Luke Harper are all huge men north of 300 lbs. and they all ganged up on an already beaten down and bloodied Undertaker before carrying him off Jesus cross style. Everybody in the arena was sickened by this display, but none more so than the same heel commentator who praised The Undertaker the entire night, John Layfield. This is supposed to be a plot device to set up a four-on-four Survivor Series tag team elimination match between Team Undertaker and The Wyatt Family. It’s sick. It’s twisted. It’s disgusting. But it’s damn good television and doesn’t do anything to lower the passing grade. The only thing I have to say about all of this? If Hell in a Cell was hell on earth, Survivor Series is going to be the apocalypse. Run!

"YES!" by Daniel Bryan

BOOK TITLE: YES!: My Improbable Journey to the Main Event at Wrestlemania
AUTHOR: Daniel Bryan (with Craig Tello)
YEAR: 2015
GENRE: Nonfiction
SUBGENRE: Pro-Wrestling Memoir
GRADE: Pass


In this David vs. Goliath life story, little Aberdeen, Washington boy Bryan Danielson gets hooked on wrestling from watching The Ultimate Warrior, Bret Hart, Chris Benoit, and Dean Malenko on TV. He became so passionate about it that after graduating high school, he got in his car and traveled to San Antonio, Texas to learn how to wrestle. He went from wrestling in Wal-Mart parking lots to the Tokyo Dome, from high school gyms to reputable American arenas, from English carnivals to his ultimate destination, the New Orleans Superdome, where he won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship by defeating three future Hall of Famers in one long, grueling night.

What makes this life story so amazing is that nobody expected the now christened Daniel Bryan to make it as far as he did. There are hundreds of thousands of wrestlers all over the world and only a select few of them achieve universal fame and fortune. Daniel Bryan is way under six feet tall, only slightly north of 200 lbs., and has more facial hair than a Serengeti lion. Against much bigger opponents, Daniel seemed like the ultimate underdog. He took a lot of beatings and suffered many horrific injuries along his path to success, but that’s what paying your dues in the wrestling industry is all about. Not only had Daniel Bryan paid his dues, but he paid 100% interest.

Daniel is the kind of person you want to see succeed and part of it is because of his personality. If you were to approach this man on the streets, you would find him to be a friendly, laidback, humble human being. He knows wrestling doesn’t owe him anything, in fact, he owes wrestling everything. Underneath all of that modesty is a fiery passion that pushes him through the worst obstacles in his life. Whether those obstacles are amassing a ten match losing streak on a boring WWE sideshow or losing his father and crying relentlessly because of it, Daniel Bryan will not stay down for anything. He’ll tell you everything’s okay one minute and burst into passionate flames the next. It’s part of his Gemini Syndrome, or his dual nature as most people call it.

If you’re in an absolute hurry to get through this book, don’t worry, it’s a fast read. It may not feel that way with Craig Tello’s play-by-play introductions at the beginning of each chapter, but over time you get used to having an extra writer there to narrate the action. Daniel Bryan’s own writing style is no-nonsense and to the point, which is a style most fast-paced writers employ. However, with too little description and liberal use of the word “very”, it’s easy to tell that Daniel Bryan doesn’t write for a living. I’m not saying this is a badly written book, because it’s not. But if you’re expecting a celebrity memoir, you’ve got one.

I’ve been a Daniel Bryan fan ever since I started paying attention to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awards in 2008. I hadn’t seen one Daniel Bryan match prior to NXT in 2010, but apparently he’s famous in the online community for being the Best Technical Wrestler, Most Outstanding Wrestler, and having a Match of the Year. The first two awards he won multiple times over many years and eventually became the Most Outstanding Wrestler of the Decade for 2000-2009. It also helps matters that Daniel Bryan is an environmentally conscious animal lover who rubs shoulders with poor people. The fact that a mere hungry man like Mr. Bryan can accomplish so much through hard work and passion is a story that epics are made of. We love the underdog story and always will.

WWE Fast Lane: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan

MATCH: Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan to determine the number one contender for Brock Lesnar’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Fast Lane
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


The Samoan badass known as Roman Reigns burst onto the scene in WWE in 2012 as part of a faction called The Shield, alongside independent wrestling veterans Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Together, The Shield had the gimmick of a paramilitary unit who would dominate matches and attack random superstars in the name of justice, using their superior teamwork. In mid-2013, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins would eventually win the WWE Tag Team Titles and Dean Ambrose would win the United States Championship.

The most valuable player in this faction was Roman Reigns, a Samoan giant of a man who had the most eliminations in a Survivor Series tag match and in the 2014 Royal Rumble match. In 2013, he caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter when they voted him Most Improved and as part of the Tag Team of the Year alongside Seth Rollins. Naturally, Mr. Reigns would receive a huge push from the company into main event status.

Because of Roman’s lack of experience and perceived lack of verbal skills, many in the WWE Universe feel his push was undeserved. In 2014, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter voted him in second place for the Most Overrated award, the actual winner being Kane. But it didn’t end there. In 2015, Roman Reigns would go on to win the Royal Rumble match and earn a spot in the main event at that year’s Wrestlemania.

On that fateful night, the casual dislike of Roman Reigns turned into fiery hatred. Despite being a baby face, Mr. Reigns was booed out of the building while the fans in attendance cheered for his opponent at Fast Lane, Daniel Bryan, who was eliminated early in the match despite his rapport with the fans. To quell the “controversy” surrounding the 2015 Royal Rumble pay-per-view, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon put together a match for Fast Lane between Reigns and Bryan where the winner would face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania.

The Fast Lane pay-per-view itself was a complete failure, but it was mostly the fans’ fault since they were dead throughout the entire thing. The matches were exciting, but with the fans acting like spoiled jerks, nobody would know it. The only match that would save the pay-per-view was the main event between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. Those two couldn’t just have a good match. They had to perform a necromantic ritual on the entire show. In other words, it had to be five stars, no more, no less.

And boy, did those two bring the fans back to life. Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan not only hit each other with everything they had and refused to quit, those hits were harder than hell. Daniel Bryan put on a kick-boxing clinic with his stiff roundhouse kicks and European uppercuts. He also twisted Roman Reigns’ body into a pretzel with his various submission holds, which included arm bars, surfboards, face stretches, if there was a way to rip apart the human anatomy, Daniel Bryan could do it and turn Roman Reigns into the human Fruit Rollup. Mr. Bryan’s hardest shot, however, had to be when he threw a kick-boxing strike to Roman Reigns’ surgical scar where he previously had hernia surgery. Roman Reigns would later describe that liver shot as the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He’s a tough guy, so that’s saying a lot.

But that’s not to say Roman Reigns didn’t put on a hell of a show himself. While Daniel Bryan is good at kick-boxing and jujitsu, Roman is good at just plain punching people in the mouth. He punched and superman punched Daniel Bryan so many times that it’s amazing the latter still had all of his teeth in his mouth. He also should have had black eyes the size of watermelons and broken ribs that shattered all over his body, but he didn’t. Bryan still had the energy to deliver his patented running knee finishing move to Roman, but Roman stood back up and delivered a thunderous spear tackle for a hard-fought victory.

After the match, the two bitter rivals shook hands, but not without Daniel Bryan telling Roman Reigns, “You’d better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass!” These two warriors beat the living crap out of each other. They made everyone in that dead arena believe that the two W’s in WWE stood for World War. That’s what this match was: war without machineguns and tanks. The wrestlers were sore, they were battered, they were bruised, they were bloodied, and they’d do it all again if they could. This deadly fight could easily be a candidate for Match of the Year. That, and maybe the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will think twice before calling Roman Reigns overrated again.

Ever since that show-stealing match, the careers or Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan took on slightly different paths. Roman did indeed challenge Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania, but couldn’t get the job done since Roman’s old tag team partner Seth Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank contract in the middle of the match and pinned Reigns to win the title. Ever since that night, Reigns has struggled to get back in the championship picture time and time again.

Daniel Bryan’s career path would end with even more heartache than losing at Fast Lane. He competed at Wrestlemania in the seven-man ladder match for Wade Barrett’s Intercontinental Championship. Yes, it’s true Bryan won and became a Triple Crown and Grand Slam Champion, but weeks later after successfully defending the IC Title against Dolph Ziggler, Bryan had to surrender the belt due to injury. He swears he’s going to be back in action soon, but WWE management will probably be hesitant to push him like they did Roman Reigns. Before he returns to the ring, Bryan will fill the role of a judge on WWE’s reality series Tough Enough. That, and he has a DVD and book coming out, so don’t feel too bad for him.

At the end of the day, neither Daniel Bryan nor Roman Reigns can be considered overrated or less than five stars. They both deserve the spotlight despite their differences in skill set and experience. Is it any coincidence that I have action figures of both of them that I got for Christmas? Probably not. A passing grade goes to this badass wrestling clinic they put on at Fast Lane. A failing grade goes to the fans who attended that show and acted like they were bored out of their minds.

WWE Payback: John Cena vs. Rusev

MATCH: John Cena vs. Rusev in an “I Quit” match for Cena’s United States Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Payback
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


Ever since arriving in the WWE in early 2014, Rusev has been an unstoppable force. With his manager slash girlfriend Lana as his mouthpiece, the two of them represented the Russian federation and Vladimir Putin in their quest to show how “weak” the United States of America is. With an undefeated streak that extended all the way to Wrestlemania of 2015 and a United States Championship reign, Rusev made a convincing case as to why he should be taken seriously. His endless victories were over the likes of Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, The Big Show, and the biggest American patriot of them all, Jack Swagger. He also caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in the form of two positive awards for 2014: Most Improved and Best Gimmick (alongside Lana as Russian nationalists).

To stop this runaway train known as Rusev, who is north of 300 lbs. and has backgrounds as a rower, a sumo wrestler, and a Muay Thai kick boxer, it would take someone who was not only known for winning big matches, but also for winning them consistently over the course of a 13-year career. That man was the 15-time World Champion, proud American patriot, and future Hall of Famer, John Cena. Cena couldn’t get the job done at WWE Fast Lane due to him passing out in Rusev’s submission hold The Accolade, which is really just his own version of a Camel Clutch. At Wrestlemania of that year, however, John Cena not only pinned Rusev, but handed the Russian nationalist his first defeat and took away the United States Championship.

By being undefeated for a lengthy period of time and beating the best in the world, Rusev made the United States Championship a legitimate award once again. John Cena continued that tradition when he issued a weekly open challenge for the title every night on Raw. So what kind of match would finally end the rivalry between two legitimate badass athletes who are so proud of their respective countries? How about an “I Quit” match at Payback. The rules of that match are exactly how they sound: there are no pin falls, submissions, count-outs, or disqualifications. The only way to win the match is to get your opponent to say “I Quit” when the referee holds a microphone to his face.

The match at Payback could very well be a top contender for Match of the Year and could catapult John Cena vs. Rusev in the Feud of the Year as well. Considering the fact that neither athlete would ever say “I Quit” (John Cena has a spotless record in this kind of match), they would have to do some horribly violent things to each other that not only hurt physically, but broke their spirits.

And boy did they ever torture each other. Rusev put on a martial arts clinic with his Muay Thai kicks and bullied John Cena around throughout much of the opening part of the match. But then as the match started taking place around the arena, Cena and Rusev were really turning up their game. They put each other through tables, threw each other against electrical equipment, rammed each other into barricades, there was even a spot when John Cena threw Rusev into the pyrotechnics area and ignited the fireworks. And Rusev still wouldn’t say “I Quit”! So John Cena suplexed Rusev through a metal barricade and bent the damn thing in half. Guess what: Rusev still wouldn’t quit!

The action returned to the ring and a desperate Rusev loosened to the top rope and bound it across John Cena’s face as he went for The Accolade. While Cena didn’t say, “I Quit”, he did pass out. However, passing out does not constitute a victory like it did at Fast Lane when it was one fall to a finish. The Russian nationalist would have to wake Cena up and try again. Except this time Cena was ready. He dropped Rusev on his stomach and applied his own submission hold, the STF, with the rope bound across the anti-American’s nose.

Referee Mike Chioda held the microphone to Rusev’s face and asked if he wanted to quit. Instead of giving a definitive answer, he started rambling on in a foreign language, either Russian (like his gimmick says he is) or Bulgarian (his actual native tongue). The only one who could translate what he was saying was his manager Lana, who promptly told the referee her boyfriend said “I Quit” and mercifully ended the match with John Cena still the United States Champion.

The ending to this match was shrouded in controversy since Rusev was rambling in a foreign language and didn’t make himself clear as to whether or not he actually quit the match. Lana basically had to throw in the towel for him, which made Rusev angry enough to want to dump his girlfriend and be on his own. The angry Bulgarian was supposed to compete at the Elimination Chamber event on the WWE Network for the Intercontinental Championship, but he fractured his ankle and put himself on the injured reserve list, though he still made appearances to harass Lana.

As for John Cena, the United States Championship is still a symbol of excellence and an example of American pride. He would eventually be defeated at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view, but not for his championship. Instead it was a non-title match versus another brash up-and-comer, the NXT Champion Kevin Owens. Cena made Owens work hard for his victory and forced him to pull off flashy high risk moves that don’t normally come from a guy Owens’ size. Putting over Kevin Owens was a brave move on the part of WWE management and considering everything John Cena has been through not only with Rusev, but also his entire career, it was a worthy victory.

The future looks bright for both athletes despite a monumental loss for John Cena and an ankle injury for Rusev. High profile matches are written in the stars for these two deadly athletes and nobody is more deserving. Congratulations, you two, on putting on a badass match at Payback!

WWE Wrestlemania 28: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

MATCH: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan for the latter’s World Heavyweight Championship
PROMOTION: World Wrestling Entertainment
EVENT: Wrestlemania 28
YEAR: 2012
RATING: TV-PG for mild violence
GRADE: Fail

Sheamus was first on WWE television in 2009 as part of the revived version of ECW (which wasn’t anything like the original, unfortunately). He had the size, strength, and athleticism that WWE management loves in a potential World Champion. Naturally, they booked him to go on an undefeated streak for months on end, even having him win the WWE Championship in December of that year from John Cena in a Tables Match. While the muscular and gigantic Irishman was mowing over opponents left and right, he even caught the attention of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter in 2010, who deemed him the Most Improved Wrestler of that year.

Daniel Bryan is the exact opposite of Sheamus. He arrived on WWE television in 2010 as part of the show that replaced ECW called NXT, where he was a “rookie” learning from The Miz. From the first day in the WWE, Daniel Bryan was disrespected by his peers and even caused play-by-play announcer Michael Cole to turn heel in an effort to bury him on commentary. During his time on NXT, Bryan amassed a win-loss record of 0-10 and continued to be booked in losing situations throughout 2010 and 2011. He won the World Heavyweight Championship from the Big Show in December of 2011, but only because he had the Money in the Bank briefcase and cashed it in at a vulnerable opportunity.

All of this hatred for Bryan from WWE management stemmed from his “dorky” personality and short stature. And yet, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter awarded him Match of the Year one time and Most Outstanding and Best Technical Wrestler multiple times during his career on the independent circuit. The clash of opinions between the “internet dorks” and WWE management was not lost on the audience.

Fast forward to 2012 where Sheamus is a wildly popular baby face and Daniel Bryan is a cowardly heel who celebrates disqualification and count-out victories. Sheamus won the Royal Rumble in January and got to choose which World Champion to face at Wrestlemania: CM Punk or Daniel Bryan. Sheamus chose the latter of those two and the match was booked.

But having a match booked in advance is very different from having a match properly promoted. In most normal championship matches, the baby face is the one who has to overcome insurmountable odds to win the belt. Not the case with Sheamus. He had the size and the violent momentum while Daniel Bryan was running away and being a sheepish coward. Betting the house on Sheamus winning in convincing fashion would make you a rich man by now.

And then the World Heavyweight Championship match took place at Wrestlemania 28. The fans in attendance were expecting a war between these two. They expected Sheamus’ powerful brawling style to clash with Daniel Bryan’s fast-paced technical style in a battle where concussions, blood, and welts would have been considered normal. Here’s how it really went down. Daniel Bryan’s storyline girlfriend AJ Lee gets on the apron and the two of them share a pre-match kiss. Daniel Bryan turns around and gets a Brogue Kick to the face, which is Sheamus’ finishing move. Sheamus pins Bryan 1-2-3 and wins the title in a record-setting 18 seconds. When Five Finger Death Punch put out the album “War Is the Answer”, they clearly didn’t have this drive-by abortion of a match in mind.

To say that the fans were pissed off would be an understatement. To say that they were in a riotous rage would be more appropriate assumption. The fans booed Sheamus out of the building (despite him being a baby face) and cheered wildly for Daniel Bryan (despite him being a heel). You have to remember that this is a new day in wrestling. The fans won’t blindly cheer for baby faces and blindly boo heels anymore. With universal internet access, you can find out backstage facts about your favorite wrestlers and form your own opinion of them. The fans still love Daniel Bryan to this day and cheer their heads off for him everywhere he goes. The WWE tried to bury his legacy and now he’s the most popular guy on the roster. The fans got ripped off and the bookers for this match have egg on their faces.

At this point, it shouldn’t come as a surprise anymore that WWE management doesn’t enjoy the work of Daniel Bryan. However, I believe his attempted burial at Wrestlemania 28 had more to do with something else disturbing. A few weeks before his match with Sheamus, Daniel Bryan interfered in a match featuring Randy Orton and caused a No Contest when he clocked Orton in the back of the head with his title belt. Randy Orton was diagnosed with a concussion and written of WWE television for the next few weeks.

If you’re knowledgeable of backstage politics like I am, you know why concussing Randy Orton is a big deal. The man is the corporate face of WWE. He has all the big matches and all the movie deals, so he has a lot of power when it comes to making decisions about other wrestlers.

In 2009, he complained to management after a wrestler by the name of Mr. Kennedy “botched” a back suplex on him. Mr. Kennedy was fired the next day. Kofi Kingston was in a match with Orton and “botched” the ending. Now Kofi Kingston is a mid-card joke. Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins called Randy Orton out for botching part of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match in 2013. Those two lost their Tag Team Championship months later. So it’s okay for Orton to botch as many times as he wants, but for other people to botch is suddenly heresy. That’s how much power Randy Orton has; he’s untouchable. He just might be the reason why Daniel Bryan lost his championship in 18 seconds. I don’t know, but it’s a damn good guess.

Ever since that god-awful championship match, Sheamus continued to steamroll through opponents and Daniel Bryan continued to be underrated in defeat. But don’t feel too bad for Daniel Bryan, because after forming a successful tag team with Kane, the fans REALLY started to get behind him and he won three more World Titles. But here’s the thing: he didn’t win those titles by being cowardly and sneaky. He won them by being a superior wrestler to his opponents. Hell, at Wrestlemania 30, he defeated three future Hall of Famers in the same night to become the new World Champion, in what would be the most defining moment of Bryan’s career. The moral of the story: you can bury Bryan all you want, but he’s going to keep scratching and clawing until he breathes fresh oxygen once again.

Ratings and Book Buys

TV producers and authors have one thing in common: they need people to see their work. TV producers need ratings and authors need book buys. The difference between the two occupations is just how far they’re willing to go in order to get attention. In all the books I’ve read over the years, the authors seem to have a humble game plan. Be suspenseful, be mysterious, be on the attack, but don’t over-stimulate. You see this in works such as The Hunger Games, The Cleaner, and pretty much every Carl Hiaasen book on the market. If you’re a TV producer, the rules and limits become slightly more flexible. For example, let’s say you’re a wrestling promoter and you need your audience to be interested in a rivalry that’s going on between two superstars. The two wrestlers have called each other every name in the book and discredited each other’s fighting abilities in every way possible. There’s only one way to draw more attention to this rivalry: get edgy. Such was the game plan in the 2013 feud between WWE superstars CM Punk and The Undertaker. The latter’s manager and father figure Paul Bearer died a few days before the feud began. CM Punk comes out and makes death jokes about Paul Bearer in order to annoy The Undertaker and get him to make a mistake in the ring. Because of the blatant exploitation of death, people are interested in this match and desperately want to see CM Punk get his ass kicked. There’s just one problem: those who were deeply affected by Paul Bearer’s death (his family and friends) are horrified by the insult to his memory. Because of the distasteful way in which Paul Bearer’s death was used, the Wrestling Observer Newsletter will probably give an award to the WWE for Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic. The lesson of the day is, if you’re an author looking to draw people into your story, it’s okay to be edgy and maybe a little offensive, but if you go too far over the edge, there’s no coming back. So please, potential authors, refrain from having a character in your story who’s a serial killer of cute kittens. Refrain from having a storyline where ragtime music is played during a rape scene. Keep said rapist from grinding an axe into the woman’s vagina so that he can “share the pleasure”. These horrifying tropes won’t get people interested in your book, but rather make them turn away in shock. Everything in moderation, people. Everything in moderation.

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Undertaker, I just want to say that I’m sorry for your loss…at Wrestlemania!”

-CM Punk-