Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy 7) vs. Alex Trebek (Jeopardy): When You're Bored, Swing a Sword

 

Noel Plum: a "Logical" Atheist Who Says Illogical Shit About Trans People

 

I'm really digging the side-by-side view I've been using lately, not just for M.I.A., but also Noel Plum. It gives me more room to write captions.

A Chosen Destiny by Drew McIntyre

BOOK TITLE: A Chosen Destiny

AUTHOR: Drew McIntyre (ghostwritten by Sarah Edworthy)

YEAR: 2021

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Wrestling Memoir

GRADE: B

If you’ve watched WWE from the late 2000’s to the 2020’s, you’ve seen the Scottish Psychopath Drew McIntyre on your screen, whether he was an arrogant heel, a brawling monster, or the WWE Champion during the pandemic era. If you want to hear his turbulent story about how he got to that pinnacle and all the obstacles between him and glory, you’ve cracked open the right book. I need to warn you, though, that this book reads like a lot of pro-wrestlers’ memoirs: a childhood dream turned reality with an overabundance of show-don’t-tell violations. Emotional moments that deserved time to breathe barely get a few sentences to describe how Drew was feeling in that moment, which is a shame considering some of the trauma he went through. “I was angry.” “I was sad.” “I wanted to wreck everything.” Not all of the writing is like this, but most of it is. That’s to be expected from celebrity memoirs. If that kind of milk-toast style bothers you or you’re not already part of the wrestling bubble, you may want to keep this book shelved. Otherwise, enjoy the ride!

If you can excuse the bland writing style, then you might be moved by some of these legitimately heartbreaking stories he tells. Winning the WWE Championship in an empty warehouse with no fans to cheer him on is the ultimate bittersweet moment in his career. It’s not nearly as soul-crushing as losing his physically disabled, yet highly optimistic mother to cancer in the middle of his WWE career. Or how about the time when he kept showing up to work plastered because alcohol was the only thing that brought him peace? What about the time when he was fired from WWE along with nine other wrestlers like he was an expendable foot soldier? These are all moments that would destroy any reader if they were explored in depth and with a more descriptive ghostwriter. They still tug at the heartstrings. They still hit me where it hurts. But like I said in the first paragraph, these legitimately painful moments needed time to breathe and develop. Just like Drew was robbed of his Wrestlemania crowd pop, we were robbed of a face full of tears. How’s that for irony?

I wrestled with myself (no pun intended) when trying to decide between a B or a C grade for this memoir. Ultimately, I settled on a B, because Drew McIntyre has an interesting enough life to justify penning a memoir. The way he talks about his obsession with wrestling as a kid and how he brought that fandom into his everyday life? That’s the stuff dreams are made of. Completely transforming his diet and lifestyle after getting fired by WWE? That and touring relentlessly on the indie circuit was exactly what he needed to get back into the company. Getting cheered on by his family in Scotland and his wife in America? That’s what kept him going every night. And then he eventually won the WWE Championship, but that, according to him, was only the beginning of much bigger plans. His newfound work ethic was an admirable thing to see in his process of maturity. But again, it would have meant more with better writing.

A Chosen Destiny is an interesting read, but only if you already follow wrestling. Maybe that was the whole point behind the marketing techniques. Maybe it doesn’t have to be massively appealing to be successful. Should I be more forgiving of books that have a super-niche audience? I’d like to think that’s a good idea. Maybe that’s why I’m being generous with my B grade instead of dropping it to a C. It is a good book for what it is, but I would only recommend it to other wrestling fans. In that respect, the memoir did its job. Drew McIntyre, on the other hand, will hopefully never have to do a long string of jobs ever again. Wrestling fans know what that means.

"Theft By Finding" by David Sedaris

BOOK TITLE: Theft By Finding

AUTHOR: David Sedaris

YEAR: 2017

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: LGBT Memoir

GRADE: Pass

From 1977 to 2002, David Sedaris keeps a personal diary of growing up as a working class gay man, traveling all over America and Europe to make ends meet. He comes in contact with all sorts of wacky characters, publishes many pieces of writing, puts on multiple plays, teaches classes full of ungrateful students, and takes classes of his own whether it’s learning to speak French or putting together an artistic sculpture. There’s never a shortage of weird moments in this memoir. In fact, if the book had been completely wholesome, it wouldn’t have been as entertaining as it was. Thank you, David Sedaris, for living through these strange experiences so that the rest of us don’t have to!

Speaking of strange experiences, the crazy people David describes in this book remind me a lot of anyone I would have to share public transportation with during my college days. Sometimes he’d cross paths with belligerent beggars who’d relentlessly swear at him whenever he refused to give them change. Sometimes he’d work with blatant bigots whether they were homophobes, racists, or sexists (this is not-so-shockingly frequent during his time in North Carolina in the 70’s and 80’s). And then there are just people who want to talk to nothing or have a good scream, also at thin air. No matter where in the world he goes, he can’t seem to get away from all the madness. He could go to heaven itself and it would still be full of awkward and uncomfortable people. These are not memories I necessarily want to relive, but I’m also grateful that I’m not alone in experiencing such discomfort.

The one part of the book that really got my blood boiling though was when David studied French overseas and had an overly aggressive teacher. This woman was a hybrid between the Scottish teacher from Pink Floyd the Wall and Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann from Full Metal Jacket. She yelled at her students, humiliated them, and did it all in the name of a “good education”. The only thing that angered me more than her attitude was that David Sedaris and many of his fellow students actually praised her for her tough love approach. Folks, I’ve had my fair share of bad teachers and if you ever caught me praising them, just do me a favor and shoot me in the head. The tough love approach doesn’t do anything except breed contempt. I’ll never understand why people say that they learn better from tough teachers. Again, this is not a memory I enjoyed reliving, but I’m also grateful to know that I’m not wrong in feeling the way that I feel.

One more thing I want to touch on. I know David Sedaris’s writing is supposed to be categorized as humor, but I can count on one hand how many times I’ve laughed throughout reading Theft By Finding. These weren’t even hyena laughs either, they were just casual chuckles. Granted, it doesn’t take away from the passing grade I’m giving this book, but a little true advertising would have helped. If anything, this memoir depressed me rather than made me believe in laughing out loud. It makes me appreciate my comfortable life even more, so at least I can be thankful for that. One of the lines that made me laugh though was that a gun store in New York was having a “blowout sale”. Oh, the irony!

Despite the minimal laughter I got from this book, it was still an entertaining read that I would recommend to anybody looking for good nonfiction. If nothing else, it’s a sobering look into the darkest parts of American and international life, especially North Carolina during the Reagan years. The bigotry that went on during those times was heartbreaking and overwhelming. The sad part is, we’re repeating all of that in today’s world in the age of Trump. A passing grade will got to this dark, dystopian piece of nonfiction!

Unused Dialogue

***UNUSED DIALOGUE***

Whether these pieces of dialogue are based in reality, dreams, or random thoughts, they somehow found a place in my mind, but not in my work. They may never be used for anything. The may be pieces of dialogue in a song. They may be used as prompt suggestions. I have no idea what the future holds for these pieces of dialogue, so I’m going to share them with you all to see if they have any true potential for anything bigger than random thoughts. Starting with…

TEENAGE GIRL: (Sobbing)

COP: What’s wrong? Are you okay? Why aren’t you in school?

TEENAGE GIRL: The teacher told me I’m too stupid to go to school…(more sobbing)

LITTLE BOY: That Lacey Sturm is so pretty! When I grow up, I’m going to marry her!

CROWD: (Erupts into obnoxious laughter.)

LITTLE BOY: W…why are you laughing at me?

CROWD: (Continues laughing.)

LITTLE BOY: (sniff, sniff)…Why?

DETECTIVE: State your name for the record.

ME: Garrison Edward Ethan Kelly.

DETECTIVE: G.E.E.K.? Okay, um. I want you to tell me again how you knew those Denny’s cooks were aliens from another planet.

ME: Because they kept making offensive remarks about Europeans.

CASHIER: Hello.

ME: Hi.

CASHIER: Is that a work uniform?

ME: No, it’s just a regular polo shirt.

CASHIER: Oh. Where do you work?

ME: I don’t work anywhere. I’m unemployed.

CASHIER: Um…okay…uh…Are you self-employed?

ME: No, I’m unemployed.

CASHIER: Oh. Okay.

TARJA TURUNEN: You’re being awfully quiet tonight.

ME: I, uh…I get tongue-tied around beautiful women, that’s all.

TARJA TURUNEN: (Giggles) That’s just adorable!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: What have we here, laddie? Mysterious scribblings? A secret code? No, drawings, no less. Drawings, everyone!

STUDENTS: (Burst into laughter.)

SCOTTISH TEACHER: The laddie reckons himself an artist!

STUDENTS: (More laughter.)

SCOTTISH TEACHER: (Showing off the drawings.) And here we see Eddy from Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy performing oral sex on Kevin.

STUDENTS: Eww!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: While Kevin is standing on top of a coffin!

STUDENTS: Eww!

ONE STUDENT: Holy shit!

STUDENTS: (Laughing.)

SCOTTISH TEACHER: (Mouthing) Watch your language!

STUDENT: Sorry.

SCOTTISH TEACHER: (Showing off more drawings.) And here we see Bambi with a rope around his neck, a ball gag in his mouth, and a dildo in his arse!

STUDENTS: Eww!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: And the dildo has the words written on it, “Deer spear”.

STUDENTS: Eww!

SCOTTISH TEACHER: That is NOT how sex works! (Slaps artist’s hand with a pencil.) Pervert!

MISS SCHNEIDER: So, does anybody here have an example of what a community is? How about you, Garrison?

ME: Uh…shopping carts?

STUDENTS: (Laughter.)

ME: Shut up! (Pounds one of the laughing students over the head with a text book.)

MATT MCNAMARA: I just watched The Faces of Death. (Sick smile.)

SEAN MCNAMARA: What do you watch that shit for?!

MATT MCNAMARA: Because it’s cool!

CHRISTIAN TROY: Because he’s a serial killer in training.

MISS GRADY: Garrison, do we allow gum in Chehalis Middle School?

ME: No, we don’t.

MISS GRADY: And why is gum not allowed in our school?

ME: Um…I don’t know.

STUDENTS: (Laughing.)

ME: I don’t want to say anything! Call on somebody else!

MISS GRADY: Anybody else want to give it a shot?

Anybody want to take a guess as to which categories these pieces of dialogue fall under (fact or fiction)? I suppose it doesn’t matter, because this blog entry is as far as they’ll get…maybe…I don’t know…I’ve tried using dreams as creative fuel before and it ended disastrously. Maybe these dialogue snippets will be part of a larger song, kind of like how “Song of Myself” by Nightwish had a whole bunch of dialogue near the end; although, Tuomas Holopainen has me beaten in the songwriting department by a country mile. Speaking of Nightwish, I wonder what Marcelo Cabuli will think of me calling his wife “beautiful”. What about Lacey Sturm’s husband finding out a little boy had designs of marrying her? Anyways, we’ve got ears, say cheers!

***POISON TONGUE TALES 2: THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PSYCHOTIC***

Yesterday was a fine day for PTT2 action as I’ve penned a short story called “Where’s My Damn Money?” Now it’s onto the next one, as Jay-Z once said. This new story will be called “Robo Heck” (a lame ass play on words for Robotech, and yes, I’m trying to think of a new title for it, so back off). Here’s the synopsis for it:

CHARACTERS:

1. David Masters V, Human Mech Pilot
2. Amalia Strom, Amazonian Viking

PROMPT CONFORMITY: To be announced.

SYNOPSIS: David crash lands his giant robot on a tropical island and spends most of the day trying to fix it so he can get back to his military base. Amalia, the giantess who owns the island, wants to crush David underneath her foot and “make the world a better place for women”. In her words, men are responsible for creating war and David is part of the problem since he pilots a gigantic weapon for a living. With his mech only partially fixed, David has to fight off the Amazonian with what he managed to repair. He would also be better served to try and reason with his attacker before she completely obliterates him.

EXTRA NOTE: Remember what Bastian said in The Never Ending Story: “It’s just a story! It’s not real! It’s a fucking story!” Well, he didn’t drop an F-bomb, but the sentiment is the same: don’t make too much out of that synopsis.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

Chetty Claymore, the debt-collecting elven necromancer from “Where’s My Damn Money?”, is next on deck for this series. Yes, folks: it’s yet another guy wearing a monk’s robe. Deal with it. What else is a necromancer like him supposed to wear: flip-flops and Daisy Dukes?

***STUCK RUBBER BABY***

With Paper Towns in the rear view mirror, I’ve been reading a new book these past few days: “Stuck Rubber Baby” by Howard Cruse. Because it’s a graphic novel and easy on the eyes, I plan on finishing it sooner than later and then giving a glowing review of it. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to give it an extra credit grade or a passing one. It’s about being a gay man in the bible belt during the civil rights era, so naturally the main character has a huge struggle ahead of him. I highly recommend it both as an eye-opener and as a compelling story.

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“The video arcade is just up the street. Here, we sell small rectangular objects. They’re called books. They require a little effort on your part and make no bee-bee-bee-bee-beeps. On your way, please.”

-Mr. Correander (the grumpy book salesman) from “The Never Ending Story”-

Disturbance in the Machine

***DISTURBANCE IN THE MACHINE***

Whenever I write a full-length novel, I always want to use it as a platform to highlight important issues in my life. Occupy Wrestling is not only about wrestling, but it’s about Mitch McLeod’s hot temper. Filter Feeder is not only about environmental issues, but it’s about strained relationships. Watch You Burn is not only about anime, but also about schizophrenia. And last but not least, Demon Axe is not only about heavy metal music, but also about PTSD.

Of course, these novels (first draft or otherwise) were written long after a little anthology I had called Disturbance in the Machine, where multiple mental health issues were supposed to be tackled. Think of it as having the story structure of Tales From the Hood with the setting of an abandoned insane asylum. The stories were told by an ex-patient named Eric Bradley and they were listened to be the mother of a former patient Nicole McShane.

While these stories were supposed to talk about mental illness in a positive way, they ended up being “crazy” stereotypes. Serial killers who used scissors, ninjas in diapers, McDonald’s employees with anger management issues, and troubled teens with puppet fetishes were just a few of the characters presented in this anthology. In the end, these stories didn’t really accomplish anything, not even advancing the overall story to its climax.

And speaking of climaxes, Nicole McShane reveals herself to be a detective assigned to bring Eric Bradley to justice, which would probably make the reader wonder why she didn’t cuff him and stuff him earlier on in the book. Why all of these pointless stories if the purpose was to arrest him?

Speaking of pointless stories, the anthology ends with Eric telling a much longer story about an abandoned pig who ventures out to the city with other animals to try and survive the cruel outside world. The animals end up being therapy pets for a terminally ill child named Sam, who puts on his favorite Pink Floyd song “Pigs on the Wing” to end the story.

Surely, not everything you touch as an author will turn to gold. Sometimes it’s best to know which stories are worthy of being edited and revived and which ones should stay in the past. Because of this, Disturbance in the Machine no longer has a place in my archives. The main story made no sense, the meta stories made even less sense, and the pig stories made even less sense than that.

However, that doesn’t mean certain aspects of this dead-on-arrival novel can’t be used for future projects. If I were to salvage from the wreckage, I’d probably keep the title Disturbance in the Machine because of how cool it sounds. Telling stories in a mental hospital can work as long as the main characters of those stories are presented in a positive light and the harsh conditions of the hospital are vilified. Remember, a truly sympathetic character is the key to maintaining the reader’s interest (even if that character is sometimes an asshole). Even the pig story can have some meaning, but only as its own entity.

Another thing I’d like to keep from the Disturbance in the Machine canon is the poem that preceded it of the same name. It might be a part of Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage, but I’m not entirely sure. It’s basically a downer of a song describing the idea of not being human and going through life on autopilot. Somebody on Deviant Art wrote a counter-prose to that where he turned the gears and metal into flesh and organs and told the machine to “live”. That’s easily one of my favorite comments I’ve received on this site since I joined in 2005. Find Disturbance in the Machine (the song) in my gallery and read it and the comments below it to see why I feel the way I do.

Nostalgia: it ain’t what it used to be. That may be true, but it’s still a lot of fun to venture into a creative person’s past and see what he or she came up with back then. Although most of my creative projects back in the day are embarrassing to read now, it doesn’t they can’t be resurrected with my current writing skills and made into something beautiful. That’s the nature of art: creating something beautiful from the ashes. The movie Pink Floyd the Wall drives this point home when Pink smashes up his hotel room and then creates a collage out of the destroyed pieces.

I’m not recommending any of you do what Pink did in this movie, I’m just saying that creativity is the perfect therapy for rising from the ashes like a phoenix. I hope to one day do that with Disturbance in the Machine, whether it’s a novel, anthology, short story collection, or whatever. The truth of the matter is, though, that there are other novel ideas in my archives waiting to be realized. Booger the Clown and Chicken and Fries are the ones I’ve been thinking about the most, but I haven’t really fleshed them out in a scene-by-scene analysis yet. Maybe what I really need to do is randomly select which novel I work on next, just like I do with books to read and characters to use.

I wouldn’t mind working on Disturbance in the Machine again with the skills I have today, but it’ll probably be a backburner project since I don’t have any immediate ideas of what to do with it. Usually I have characters an a brief synopsis, but nothing more than that when it comes to novels. Maybe the point of this blog entry is to motivate myself to flesh out novel ideas more often instead of just letting them sit there doing nothing. I’d like to think that’s the case. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!

***MARIE KREPPS/ASHLEY UZZELL STORIES***

Over the past few months, Marie has been putting out short stories under both of her pennames. I’ve already reviewed Hunting Vampires with Grandma and gave it a passing grade. Now I’m currently reading Reaching For the Light (a mental illness-themed collaboration with TL Katt). All I have to do is read TL Katt’s half of the story and I’m ready to review this puppy and potentially give it an extra credit grade. The other two stories that I’ll eventually get to are Spunky and the Dolphin Palace (a children’s fantasy collaboration with her daughter Kyra Uzzell) and The Blood Files: the Case of Arnus Mortem (vampire horror collaboration with BJ Taylor). I can blow through these stories in the span of one or two days apiece. My hopes are high with how much energy I’ll have to do it since I’m going for longer walks during the day and getting my cardio jacked up. I’m already noticing a difference in my body. Hang in there, Marie-Pie: you’ll earn your high grades soon enough, my lovely friend.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

I’ve already submitted my entry for the WSS’s contest and it’s called Exile. There’s no need to advertise it again in this blog, so I’ll get straight to the point with the Dark Fantasy Warrior pictures that’ll come from that story. You’ve already seen Night Wolf and Maria Kevin on Deviant Art, Good Reads, and Face Book. The final character from that story that needs drawing is Stigma Dominick, the guilt-ridden necromancer. He definitely earned his sad face in that story and hopefully it’ll reflect in his artwork.

***FACE BOOK POST OF THE DAY***

If a British exit is called Brexit and a French exit is called Frexit, what does that make a Serbian exit? Sexit? Sounds kinky. Of course, Serbia isn’t a part of the European Union, but just imagine the unintended comedy if they actually considered a Sexit. I’m getting douche chills just thinking about it. Hehe!

WWE NXT Takeover: London: Bayley vs. Nia Jax

MATCH: Bayley vs. Nia Jax for the former’s NXT Women’s Championship
PROMOTION: WWE NXT
EVENT: Takeover: London
YEAR: 2015
RATING: TV-PG for violence
GRADE: Pass


When you have a dream, the only way to achieve it is through lengthy journeys and honest-to-God hard work. Attaining such a huge goal may take weeks, months, years, possibly even decades, every second filled with the highs and lows of soldiering on. There may be moments when you feel like quitting, but if you do, all of the heartache will be for nothing. You fight, you scratch, you claw, and you bleed until what you want is within your reach. NXT diva Bayley wanted to not only wrestle, but to be a champion that little girls can look up to. When she defeated Sasha Banks in a grueling five-star match at Takeover: Brooklyn, she exceeded expectations. Congratulations, you tough chick. You’ve earned it.

But of course, winning a prestigious championship is only part of the equation. It takes a shit ton of hard work and sacrifice to win it, but it takes even more guts and brutality to keep it. Not only did Bayley successfully do so in a 30-minute Iron Man rematch against Sasha Banks, but also against Alexa Bliss and Eva Marie. That totals three different divas that Bayley scratched off the long list of those gunning for her diamond-encrusted championship. At Takeover: London, she had quite possibly the toughest challenge a woman of her size could possibly have. She had to defend her title against Nia Jax.

Who exactly is Nia Jax? She’s well over six-feet tall, her weight is well-established within the 200’s, she’s a former plus-size model, she has more strength than an entire African jungle full of wild animals, she fights like an army of barbarians wielding blood-stained axes, and she’s a cousin of WWE legend and movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. NXT color commentator Corey Graves wasn’t kidding when he said Nia Jax vs. Bayley was like watching Mike Tyson vs. Manny Pacquiao. In other words, they were both talented fighters, but the weight discrepancy is mind-boggling. Needless to say, Bayley was outgunned big time.

When the actual match took place in London, England, Bayley had two things that kept her alive throughout the match: a speed advantage and a crowd support advantage. About the latter, of course they’re going to fall in love with Bayley. She’s everything a role model should be: strong, positive, and tireless. Since the event took place in England, it was only appropriate that the crowd sing parodies of Beatles songs and change the lyrics to conform to Bayley. Crowd support can bring any wrestler to life, but in the end, that’s all they can do. When it comes to the actual fight, you’re on your own, lady.

Being so many sizes smaller than the ogre-like Nia Jax, Bayley stuck to her own advantages and used her superior speed to avoid being readily disposed of. She threw quick elbows, quick dropkicks, quick forearms, and although these moves kept the giantess at bay for a little while, they didn’t faze the bloodthirsty bitch at all. It would only be a matter of time before Nia Jax would have her turn at offence and goddamn, did she deliver.

While Bayley’s offence could only be comparable to an annoying fly buzzing around, it was Nia Jax who did the swatting. Turnbuckle body splashes turned Bayley’s insides into mush. Three consecutive fireman’s carry back drops smashed her bones into sugar bits. How about a leg drop from a leg that weighs about as much as a fallen tree. How about another leg drop that feels like a falling building, but this time across the left shoulder? All of these hard-hitting, body-smashing attacks were coming from a woman that outweighed Bayley by at minimum 100 lbs. After suffering it all, the super positive super heroine just laid on the ground lifeless, limp, and ready for a hearse. Rest in peace, Bayley-Pie. I’m not The Undertaker, but I’ll say it to you anyways.

But if the RIP analogy is true, then why does Bayley continue to kick out of these bone-crunching moves? The referee’s hand was only a micrometer from hitting the mat a third time and the little angel that could got her aching shoulder out of the pinning combination to avoid losing. Coming back to life repeatedly was only delaying the inevitable according to the sad saps at the commentary booth, which were the Millhouse look-alike Rich Brennan, the always dorky Byron Saxton, and the heavy metal stud muffin Corey Graves.

Bayley wasn’t going to give up that easily. Nia Jax was getting ready to slam the smaller wrestler on the mat in what would be a modified spine-buster. But the little chick wrapped her arm around Nia’s neck and squeezed so hard that her rhino skull was going to pop like a zit. But then Bayley was slammed down hard and lifeless once more. Nia knelt down to pin her and was again caught in that headlock choke. Once again, Bayley was slammed hard on her back and was ready to meet Jesus with a firm handshake.

After a few wheezes and coughs from Nia Jax, the heavier diva knelt down again for a pin attempt and for the third time in a row got caught in the headlock choke. Bayley’s arms don’t look at that big on television, but she might as well have had 24-inch pythons like the immortal Hulk Hogan. She squeezed so tightly that she would prove why that technique was called a guillotine choke. Before the monstrous diva could be decapitated, she tapped out and the referee awarded the victory and the NXT Women’s Championship to Bayley.

Walking through the fiery valleys of hell is a necessary part of achieving hard-fought victories in the WWE. Not only did Bayley walk them in this match, but she dragged her lifeless body across them until she was fingertips away from her milestone. When she slew the beast known as Nia Jax, Bayley was exhausted. She spent the longest time lying on the ground and trying to get to her knees. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was taken to the hospital after the match was over. But she did it. She’s the biggest example in women’s wrestling of a strong heroine who overcomes the obstacles put in front of her despite the insurmountable odds. Little girls don’t have to grow up to be spoiled princesses. They can grow up and be raging warriors like Bayley. The example she sets for women everywhere is why this match gets a passing grade.

Okay, all you male supremacists out there. I’ve got a question to ask you. Do you still think a woman’s place is in the kitchen? Do you still expect your wives and daughters to cook and clean for you while popping out babies left and right? Raise your hands if you feel this way. Raise them high so that Bayley and Nia Jax can see them and beat the living piss out of all of you. These two women put on a show that nobody is going to forget for a long, long time. If you’d like to forget it so badly, go ahead and trust Bayley with an iron skillet. With one whack upside the head, you’ll probably forget pretty easily. A janitor will have to mop up your brains afterwards, but you’ll forget anyways. For the rest of us who live in the 21^st century, we’ll enjoy this classic women’s wrestling match.

"The Girlfriend Wager" by Edward Davies

BOOK TITLE: The Girlfriend Wager
AUTHOR: Edward Davies
YEAR: 2015
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Sex Drama-Comedy
GRADE: Pass


In 1990’s England, five college buddies, Rob, Kent, Adrian, Jim, and Hugh, get together in a bar one night and make a wager with each other. Whoever could keep a relationship with a girl for at least three months while having sex at least once would have the rest of the group pay for his drinks after the college year was over. Girl shyness, awkward behavior, previous lovers, and many other strange obstacles get in the way of determining a true victor. Hearts are broken, embarrassments happen, and the only escape for these five friends is a giant glass of cold beer. Is anybody really a winner in this story or are these five virgins just a group of sad sops?

I’m going to start with the biggest reason why this e-book gets a passing grade. The concepts of girl shyness, social awkwardness, virginity, and fear of rejection all resonate with me on a deep level. Yes, this is intended to be funny in some places, but that doesn’t stop the book from speaking the truth from time to time. When I went to high school and college, I was one of the wallflowers who stayed in the background while being protected from the emotional despair of romance. Everyone was always saying to me, “Just ask her out! It’s no big deal! If she says no, just move on to the next one!” If love was that easy, I’d have a whole harem of girls coming after me. But as I’ve found out both from my own experiences with dating and from reading this book, it’s complicated on so many levels. I want to love and be loved, but getting my foot in the door is harder for me than it is for the five friends, and that’s saying something.

Before I get too far into a rant, I have to discuss the other reason why this book gets a passing grade: the pacing. While it is true the book is 400-plus pages long, it reads so quickly that you won’t feel bogged down by too much description. Besides, most of the descriptions come from 90’s pop culture references that I actually understand, so the pacing is even better. If you’re an author and comedy is your intended genre, you don’t want to spend too much time on funny descriptions. The jokes were delivered with such rapid-fire wit that I basically blitzed through the entire story with no potholes or traffic lights along the way. It helps that the witty aspects of this book come from the author using a lot of British vernacular like “fancy” and “bullocks”. I swear it’s like listening to a CD by The Streets, except funnier…for the most part.

There would have been a time when I considered giving this book an extra credit grade, or five stars for all of you Good Reads and Amazon junkies. However, there are certain unforgivable flaws that keep me from doing so. Try as he might to edit this story down to its last detail, Mr. Davies left behind a few glaring mistakes, such as Becca calling Hugh “Paul” and a sentence that reads “Kent glared at Kent”. But these are things Edward Davies could fix on the fly and not break too much of a sweat.

But then you have the pornographic aspects of the book which make the story seem slightly unrealistic. Yes, it’s realistic in the sense that shyness and awkwardness get in the way of a lot of good relationships. But when I say pornographic aspects, I’m talking about all of the women having large breasts, giant asses, and an easy way to get to know them. Plus, there’s a lot of talk about sticking things in their vaginas and squeezing their titties, which are also things you’d find in a cheap porn movie. Granted, this book is somewhat based on Edward Davies’ past at college and a lot of his friends really did talk like that. But even with that background realness, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to take the book seriously or jack off to it like a Playboy magazine.

I’m not going to bring the hammer down too hard on Edward, because all in all, this book earned all four of its stars. While it is true the two of us are good friends online, I’m giving him the passing grade out of respect for his book, not out of service to our friendship. I firmly believe Edward Davies has what it takes to launch his literature into the mainstream one day. He just needs to spend a little quality time with the realism and grammatical aspects of his manuscript before sending it out. Before I read “The Girlfriend Wager”, I delved into “Divine Intervention”, another book by Mr. Davies. I’d definitely say “The Girlfriend Wager” is a huge improvement from his last effort, so you’re damn right there’s hope for him. Hell, it might be a sure thing that he becomes successful!

"Divine Intervention" by Edward Davies

BOOK TITLE: Divine Intervention
AUTHOR: Edward Davies
YEAR: 2011
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Supernatural Comedy
GRADE: Mixed


Jimmy Stewart Moon is a lovable loser with a low-paying job, a place to live at his parents’ house, and too much free time on his hands. When eating potato chips and picking his nose isn’t enough to entertain him, Jimmy takes out his binoculars and spies on his sexy neighbor Vanessa, who’s doing exercises in her underwear. Vanessa catches Jimmy in the act and the perverted voyeur falls out of the window and hits the ground hard. Upon waking up, he meets two angels named Pixie and Frank whose only way of getting back into heaven is to help Jimmy secure a romantic relationship with Vanessa, which is a hard sell considering he just got caught spying on her.

In many ways, this self-published effort reminds me of a book by WWE superstar Dolph Ziggler’s brother Ryan Nemeth called “I Can Make Out with Any Girl Here”. The protagonists in both stories are trying to get laid and they do some silly things along the path of their goals. The funniest part of this story in my opinion is when Jimmy dresses up like an 80’s punk to try and impress Vanessa, but instead looks like a homeless drug addict. Not off to a good start, Mr. Moon! It gets sillier from there. With the English backdrop, this book also reminds me of Monty Python, Danger Mouse, and John Oliver’s show rolled up into one chaotic comedy while dropping a bucket full of LSD. This story is quite possibly the weirdest thing I’ve ever read, but I mean that in the most loving way.

Despite the weirdness of it all, the further you get into this book, the more it begins to read like a legitimate plot instead of just a hodgepodge of comedic antics. We have an imperfect protagonist in Jimmy Stewart Moon. We have a low point near the end. We have a believable climax. And most importantly, we have an ending that nobody would have seen coming for miles, yet that too is believable. I will say though that it takes a great deal of patience to get through the first few pages. Upon first glance, I thought it was going to be TOO weird for my tastes, but my patience paid off and I read an entertaining story.

But just like with any mixed review, there are some complaints that need to be addressed. Although they are few and far between, this book does have its fair share of grammatical errors, misspellings, and other mistakes that no beta reader would ever let slide. But I personally will let this slide because the mistakes don’t corrupt the entire story. It was still enjoyable, but having a beta reader sweep through the errors would be a good call on Mr. Davies’ part.

The only other complaint I need to address is the liberal use of pop culture references. Normally when using these references, there should also be a description of what that reference looks like. For example, if someone looks like Jessica Rabbit, I expect that author to describe her as having long red hair, a seductive face, and a red cocktail dress. While some people have an idea of what the celebrity, TV show, or movie is like already, not everybody fits that bill. It would be like talking to a wrestling fan born in the 2000’s and watching him scratch his head at the mention of Mr. Perfect. It doesn’t even have to be a generational barrier; it could just be someone who has never seen the medium before.

I’m giving this story a mixed grade and not a failing one, because the positives heavily outweigh the negatives. It’s a short book and it reads quickly, so if you don’t have the patience to blow through such a story, I don’t know what to tell you. I blew through it and I enjoyed it every step of the way. Not bad for an author who wrote this story at a young age!

"Irish Squeeze" by Marie Krepps

If you’re suffering from erectile dysfunction, ask your doctor if “Irish Squeeze” by Marie Krepps is right for you. Side effects are generally moderate and may include fatigue, muscle tension, and frequent sweating. Okay, so asking a doctor about this book isn’t sound medical advice, but I’d take a copy of this steamy piece of fiction over a bottle of Viagra any day of the week. Viagra can give you nasty side effects such as bleeding from the eyes and a higher risk of stroke. But “Irish Squeeze”? The only stroke you’re going to suffer from reading this is the kind that requires a big bottle of lotion and an even bigger box of tissues. The sex scenes in this book are long enough to enjoy and intense enough to fantasize about. But this book is more than just Larry Flynt’s dream come true. It’s a real story. The further along you get, the more real the characters become. The protagonist, Melissa, starts off just wanting a fuck buddy to take her away from her life of energetic children and corporate drudgery. She gets one in the form of an Irish stud muffin she aptly calls Irish. They have some of the most mind-blowing sex throughout this story. But the more times they meet, the more intimate and loving Irish becomes. Suddenly, he doesn’t seem like a nameless screw. He seems more like a boyfriend, maybe even a husband. Melissa doesn’t want romance because of the many times she’s been betrayed by the men in her life. These conflicted feelings boiling within Melissa forces her to make a decision: advance the relationship or push Irish away completely. When it comes down to these details, this modern day erotic tale becomes less about shallowness and more about depth and emotion. Any two people can fuck like animals, but it takes a real human being to show love and compassion at the end of the day. Taking full advantage of such passion is something we all need to do somewhere down the road. But until that moment of clarity comes, you’ll be coming a lot sooner. Happy reading!

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I didn’t know that it was over ‘til it was too late. But if I ever needed you, would you be there?”

-The Streets singing “It’s Too Late”-

"Maus I" by Art Spiegelman

It’s never been a huge secret that what went on in Nazi Europe during World War II was disgusting on Hitler’s part. With “Maus I” by Art Spiegelman, you get a closer look as to how brutal the dictatorship really was, as told by Art’s father Vladek Spiegelman. Getting a hold of this information didn’t come without verbal sparring between the father and son, not to mention with Mala as well, Vladek’s new wife. Vladek lived his life appreciative of what little he had since that’s how he was forced to live during his time in Nazi Europe. He pinched his pennies and stashed his food, because he knew that any moment, he could be shoved into a concentration camp or killed on the spot like a lot of his relatives and close friends were. All of this senseless violence simply because he was Jewish. Art Spiegelman could have told his father’s story anyway he wanted to. He could have written it in novel form if he so desired, but instead, he chose the route of a graphic novelist. He chose to represent the Jewish people as mice and the Nazi soldiers as cats. I probably don’t have to tell you what that kind of symbolism is supposed to represent. It would be like contrasting dragons to people or spiders to flies. It could be that the reason Art Spiegelman chose to draw Jewish people as mice is because of the harsh way in which they were depicted by Nazi propaganda films. Art would never suggest that his own people were comparable to rats or mice, but he drew them that way to depict a deadly reality that took place in those desolate times. The few happy moments this graphic novel has are far between each other. There is no happiness in a place like Nazi Europe. Just death, destruction, starvation, and hard labor. You know that Vladek Spiegelman survived this ordeal because there are frames of him telling his story to his son Art. You wouldn’t believe that this was a survivor’s tale otherwise. It was that torturous. If this doesn’t depress the hell out of you, you’re probably being poked in the belly like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Buy a copy for yourself and see why Art Spiegelman won a Pulitzer Prize for his hard work.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight. The only thing touching him is a crack of light. Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and ‘round his fingers. And he reaches for her side for any sign of her that lingers. And she says, ‘You are not alone laying in the light. Put out the fire in your head and lay with me tonight.’”

-Patty Griffin singing “Not Alone”-