Tori the Alpha Female: Take Your Red Pills and Shove Them Up Your Asses Like Suppositories

 

Dale Update

***DALE UPDATE***

After successful heart surgery, my step-dad Dale is finally home from the hospital. He seems to be in the same good spirits he’s always in as evidenced by his ability to enjoy a rerun of NCIS: Los Angeles on TV. He’s only been away for a short while, but everyone here at the house missed him. The animals are especially glad to see him back judging from how Tori jumped up on Dale’s chest and purred like a lawnmower. He’s going to have to make a lot of phone calls to his distant family to tell them how he is, but he’ll survive. See what I did there?

As part of his recovery process, plenty of things in his life are going to change. He won’t do as much heavy work as he normally does, he can’t eat fatty or sugary foods anymore, and he’ll have to take a shit ton of medication in addition to what he takes now. Since Dale’s going to be eating healthier meals from now on, we all will and quite frankly it’s about time. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t make the best food decisions and it shows with my lack of cardio and my big belly. Maybe with more rabbit food around the house, I’ll have no choice but to take better care of my body. Losing weight is important to me, but now that there’s going to be a stronger support system in place, I can actually do it. More importantly, Dale will have a lot longer to live.

Peace and order have been restored to the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household. Dale still has some resting and recovering to do, but that’s the easiest part of this whole ordeal, especially when the animals all want to snuggle around him. At first we worried that we wouldn’t be able to take care of our 15-year-old Springer Spaniel Maggie anymore. She’s blind, deaf, senile, and shits and pisses on the floor on a regular basis. With Dale out of the hospital and recovering nicely, Maggie can also continue to enjoy her elder years on this earth. The running joke around our family is that this house is a retirement home for both elderly animals and people. Nobody seems to have a counterpoint for that joke. Hehe!

Mom and Dale’s east coast vacation is still off the table, but Mom is optimistic about the two of them being able to see Paul Simon perform in Denver in late June. I swear to god, you should see Mom’s face light up like a Christmas tree anytime I give her a Paul Simon CD for a gift. I gave her one for Mother’s Day along with Trevor Noah’s memoir and she grinned from ear to ear. Come to think of it, Father’s Day isn’t too far away either. I hope Dale will have the same reaction when he opens his presents. Hell, it’s the easiest bet in the world!

That’s all I have to say for now. In short, Dale’s doing just fine now and he’s going to keep doing fine as the years go on. Thanks in advance for your positive vibes. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

It’s another week at the WSS and this time the prompt is “Eye of the Storm”. I have a funny feeling that we’ve had that prompt before, but maybe it was worded differently. I’m not entirely sure, but I have a short story ready to be written nonetheless. It’s called “I Am Death”, but it’s not about the Muslim heavy metal band with the same name in my recent first draft novel Demon Axe. On the contrary, it’s much, much different!

CHARACTERS:

1. Kobra, Street Illusionist
2. Lux, Kobra’s Assistant and Girlfriend
3. Keith Turner, Racist Murderer
4. Nameless Black Protesters
5. Nameless KKK Members
6. Nameless Police Officers

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Kobra’s angel of death gimmick involves heavy windstorms.

SYNOPSIS: Protesters, counter-protesters, and cops are gathered around the Paulson City courthouse awaiting the verdict against Keith Turner, who went on trial for murdering an eight-year-old black girl. Keith is eventually found not guilty and the outside crowd erupts into riotous hysteria. Kobra and Lux use their illusionary tricks to convince the police and KKK members that Kobra is an angel of death who came to earth to cleanse the world of evil and tyranny. Among the magic tricks he uses include levitation, pyrotechnics, voice manipulation, and Hollywood windstorms. Kobra and Lux hope that their bluff will be enough to scare people into leaving the black protesters alone and releasing them from police custody.

***LAW & ORDER: SVU PARODY OF THE DAY***

In New York City’s war on crime, Olivia Benson with duct tape on her mouth is considered especially erotic. The detectives who are clearly masturbating in the background are part of an elite squad known as the Sexy Victims Unit. These are their stories. DONG, DONG!

Divas

Piper gazed at the butterfly-decorated Divas Championship belt in her paws with a sense of pride and joy. Holding this title was a dream of hers ever since she was a kitten. In her mind, dreams always came true and could never be taken away by oppressive forces. Her naivety was a source of sweetness for her adoring kitty fans as evidenced by the way they meowed and purred at her entrance. She did it all for them and she was determined not to let them down this evening during her title defense. With her black tank top, pink leather pants, and white boots snug against her white furry kitty body, she was ready to go. She kissed her Divas Championship belt for good luck before her music hit.

The arena darkened as the piano intro of “April Rain” by Delain caused the kitties and puppies in the audience to cheer and howl for their favorite wrestler. Once the intense guitars and drums sounded, Piper danced out to the isle to an even louder chorus of cheers. She high fived her tiny fans in the front row and gave a hug to an oversized Bassett Hound near the ring. Piper leaped on the apron and over the top rope with such athletic grace before prancing around the ring and parading her hard-earned championship. She even high-fived the Springer Spaniel ring announcer and hugged Willem the schipperke referee. Piper was certain this feel-good moment would last forever and showed it on her cute kitty face with a squinty-eyed smile.

And then the slow and sensual blue-eyed soul music of “Son of a Preacher Man” by Dusty Springfield echoed throughout the arena. The older dogs in the audience howled with lust while the tiny kittens booed their heads off. Coming out to the stage were three cats dressed in royal pink robes and little diamond-encrusted tiaras. Posing on the left side of the stage was the calico runt of the litter, Calypso. Posing on the right with her claws extended like a Marvel superhero was the fierce black and white Stitches. In the middle was the arrogantly strutting queen of the divas, Tori. Together this group was known as the Supermodel Kitties.

None of the boos in the arena could compare to Piper’s fiery stare down the ramp as the Supermodel Kitties pompously danced their way to the ring. For weeks leading up to this match, they called her “Piper-Diaper” and Photoshopped pictures of her in baby outfits. A tear formed in her eye at these traumatic thoughts and Calypso was sharp enough to catch it. She got up on the apron and flailed her paws next to her ears while sticking her tongue out at Piper.

The proud Divas Champion shouted, “Why, you!” before dashing to the opposite side the ring to deliver a drop kick. Calypso pulled the top rope down at the last minute and Piper crashed and burned on the concrete floor below. Calypso stayed on the apron and continued her nee-ner-nee-ner taunts while Tori and Stitches were scratching and biting the hell out of their victim. Willem barked and growled his warnings at a rapid fire pace, but the Supermodel Kitties refused to listen and resumed their taunting and beating of Piper.

Willem hopped over the top rope and did his best hyper barking while chasing the Supermodel Kitties to the other side of the ring. He gave a few more commanding barks at the now shaking cats before running back over to Piper and licking her wounds with his sloppy dog tongue. Willem spent the longest time tending to the cat’s wounds and she still wouldn’t wake up. It seemed as though the schipperke had no choice but to bark for paramedics on the ramp way.

The proud Supermodel Kitties wrapped their arms around each other’s necks and danced up and down chanting, “Piper-Diaper!” much to the dismay of the booing crowd. Calypso even had an animal diaper in her paws to illustrate such humiliation.

This charade would have lasted the rest of the night if it wasn’t for Piper nipping up to her feat and letting out a dreaded hiss. The Supermodel Kitties watched on with wide-eyed shock as Tori’s opponent leaped back into the ring and made a “come here” gesture with her paws. “You want some of this?!” Piper shouted. “Come and get it, you skanky hoes!”

A resounding “Ooo!” echoed throughout the arena while the stunned Supermodel Kitties’ jaws were on the floor. Cat wrestling was considered to be family entertainment, but Piper didn’t give a damn about her language at that point. She also waved off Willem when he tried licking her wounds again. With Calypso and Stitches slowly taking opposite sides of the ring, Tori was also in no hurry to get inside. But once she was, the ring announcer ran away without doing his job knowing how fierce this battle would be.

Willem barked five times at the ringside timekeeper, who rung the bell to signify the beginning of the match. Piper and Tori ran to the center of the ring and threw the sharpest claws they could at each other. Their violent hisses and howls added enough drama to this match to get the crowd to rise to their feet and cheer. The crowd really got going when Piper leaped in the air, wrapped her legs around Tori’s neck, and flipped the Supermodel Kitty on her back. Tori nipped up and got thrown by her arm across the ring for her troubles. This sequence of getting up and getting tossed continued for Tori until Piper applied a shoulder lock to her and kept the obnoxious brat grounded and howling.

It looked like Tori was going to slam her paws to the mat to signal a tap-out victory. And then Calypso got on the ring apron and mockingly cried at Piper. “Boohoo, I’m a big baby and I like to suck on pacifiers!” While Willem was rattling off his super-quick barks at the runty calico, Stitches reached through the ropes and swatted her knife-like claws into Piper’s butt. The champion howled in pain and jumped high in the air while holding her backside.

Calypso got down from the apron while Tori hopped to her feet and body slammed Piper to the mat. While the champ was down, Tori leaped off the middle rope and back flipped chest first into Piper, driving the air from the dreamer kitty’s already exhausted lungs. Tori then wrapped her arm around the champ’s chin and held her face in front of Calypso and Stitches for further humiliation.

The tiny calico pulled out a smart phone and recorded a video of Piper’s contorted face in what would be known as The Huh Challenge. Calypso mockingly said, “My name is Piper and I cry myself to sleep every night like a big fat baby! HUH?!”

Stitches giggled while taking the phone from Calypso and doing her own Huh Challenge. “My name is Piper and my favorite thing to eat is whatever’s in the litter box! HUH?!” The two outside kitties high-fived each other and giggled some more at Piper’s expense.

Meanwhile, a single tear dropped from Piper’s eye as she gritted her fangs and tightened her claws. This was the BS she had to put up with on live television for weeks now. She growled at the thought of her opponents acting like middle school children instead of legitimate wrestlers. She growled even harder when the audience tried to cheer her back into this match. Piper needed this victory. She needed to show that dreams always come true no matter how high the odds were stacked.

Piper slithered underneath the chin lock, grabbed Tori around her waist, and threw her backwards on her neck. The Supermodel Kitty flopped around like a fish as she was thrown backwards again. And again. And again. Calypso and Stitches weren’t even paying attention to the action going on in the ring as they were too busy taking selfies. Piper glared like a hungry tiger at them as she bounced off the ropes and flew over the top turnbuckle. She landed perfectly on Stitches and ripped her apart with her claws like a Christmas present while Calypso watched on in wide-eyed, shaky-bodied horror.

Piper turned her fiery glare to Calypso and gave her a leonine howl and an ophidian hiss. The champion chased the Supermodel Kitty around the ring multiple times. She didn’t care about the exhaustion in her body from the main event match. She was sucking down air like a whirlwind as she saw nothing but red when she gazed upon Calypso. The calico brat was getting tuckered out herself, so she slid underneath the bottom rope and drew the ire of Willem, who trapped her in the corner and gave off more rapid fire barks.

The champ slid underneath the bottom rope as well, and this time she was sure to dine upon Calypso’s pencil neck. She could already taste the blood like a shark swirling its prey. Even though Piper didn’t have as many teeth as a shark, she would make every vampire bite feel like a bloodlust chainsaw attack anyways.

And that was when she felt something sharp jam into the back of her neck. The intense pain and black vision suggested Tori used a foreign object to get the upper hand behind the schipperke’s back. Once Calypso dived out of the ring and curled in a corner, Tori finished the job with a high-impact kick underneath Piper’s chin, knocking her out just long enough to be pinned for three seconds.

Willem tapped the mat three times and the match was over. Piper’s championship reign, just like her vision, had faded away with quickness. The only dream she would be living was the one in her subconscious theater, which only played horror movies that day. When her eyes slowly opened, her bruised and battered body made her feel like road kill. The unending pain was just as emotional when she awakened to find an animal diaper fastened to her crotch. The Supermodel Kitties danced around on the ramp, celebrating with the title and mocking Piper with more nee-ner-nee-ner taunts.

The never-ending tears in Piper’s eyes caused her vision to fade to black once more. She didn’t remember being helped to the doctor’s office. She didn’t remember the stitches she would require. Her emotions were robotic as she tried to process being humiliated by the Supermodel Kitties. She stared into space not wanting to think about the future or how her diapered sorrow was broadcast not only for the television audience, but also the internet troglodytes.

The more she stared into those white walls, the less of a choice she had in what to think about. She tried to shove it down. She tried to hold back the tears. But the tears kept rolling down like whitewater rapids. Her depressed howling couldn’t be helped. Her childhood dream was shattered like a pot of dead roses. Piper had the innocence of a child for most of her life. Now she made the roughest of transitions into adulthood and realized that nightmares were the norm in this world. The tears poured like an avalanche of cold emotions as she laid there all alone in the doctor’s office. With such a humiliating defeat, she was more than just physically alone in this world.

But if her childhood innocence taught her anything, it was not to cry because it was over. It was to smile because it happened. She loved that butterfly-decorated championship. It gave her some warm memories of being adored by the crowd. All the hugs, high-fives, and cheers helped to dry her ultra-wet, ultra-red eyeballs. They were the only things that got her through the hard training and violent matches. And now that Piper was contractually obligated to a rematch, she couldn’t let those beautiful fans down twice.

As she wiped the last of her tears from her furry face, Piper reached her paw over and picked up a scalpel from the bench. Tori cheated by using a sharp object similar to this one, so why shouldn’t Piper do the same when she wanted to win her Divas Championship back? But what would her fans think of her if she did such a thing? Would they ostracize her if she sunk to the Supermodel Kitties’ level?

In that doctor’s office, Piper had a decision to make. What was more important to her: the belt and all the money that came with it, or the fans that energized her every night and stayed loyal until the end? She had a long night of thinking ahead of her, but one thing was for certain her mind: “Those bitches are going to pay!”

Mario Bryan

My characters are an extension of my personality in some way. Mario Bryan is no different. He’s an atheist liberal, he hears voices in his head, he was a pro-wrestling and MMA enthusiast, and he studied English in college. Mario and I couldn’t be more alike if we both were featured in the music video for “Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd. Another way we’re alike is how we came to be schizophrenics. It was during a time in our lives when we thought nothing could touch us. We were riding high creatively and academically. Mario had a hot girlfriend named Tori Edge and I was getting used to the company of girls. And then when we started hearing voices in our heads, our charisma was pretty much nonexistent. Once the charisma was gone, so were our social circles. This is how we graduated from high school: lost in delusion and all alone in the process. For me, college was more of the same: tons of head voices and nobody to be friends with. But for Mario Bryan, it’s not too late just yet. He was my main character in a Good Reads college genre role-playing game. His first appearance in the collective storyline was at Barnes & Noble, where he would purchase the darkly funny thriller “Pipsqueak” by Brian Wiprud. During this transaction, he wouldn’t even look the clerk in the eye and she couldn’t do it either. Mario just gave her his debit card and she charged it for the purchase. When he went over to the tea bar, however, the storyline became slightly more interesting. The female clerk (Emily) was being yelled at by her boss and she could do nothing but run over to the tea bar as an escape plan. With this stressed out lady in front of him, Mario did something his introversion and schizophrenia would never allow him to do: he asked if she was okay. The conversation between him and Emily started getting more casual with topics ranging from tastes in literature to college majors. There was one point in the conversation where Mario did a Bullwinkle impression for her and she giggled at it. She didn’t know who Bullwinkle was, but she loved the impression anyways. Two socially awkward people such as Mario and Emily would have made great friends, maybe even a great couple at best. Due to inactivity and nobody showing an interest in playing with me, this gimmick never materialized. Mario Bryan is still a schizophrenic college student, but now he doesn’t have a college to go to. At least with his disability, he can collect social security until he’s ready for the job market. The only question now is, what kind of job will he take? I’m sure there’s somebody out there who needs a weirdo like him.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“I've built myself a stage to plea. The curtains closed, it's only me. It's only me to beg and to plead. Left for dead and left to bleed. Thirteen struck dead, unlucky at best. I'll never rest, in hell I'm just a guest. So listen closely because I'll only say it once before departing. When the show ends it's really only starting.”

-Sworn In singing “XIII”-

Tori Edge

Last year (2013), my mom, step-dad, and I went to the Humane Society and picked up two kitty pies to take home with us. One of them is the inspiration for today’s blog entry. Her name is Tori and she’s a tri-colored Abyssinian kitty. She’s an extrovert until the very end. She has a cute kitty voice and isn’t afraid to approach humans and meow to them until they pet her or pick her up. She’s also very playful. Whenever there’s a toy nearby dipped in catnip, she’ll bat that thing around for hours on end and never get bored. Tori is also an avid hunter. She’ll go outside and capture field mice and bunnies, but not for the purpose of sport. She actually had a giant bunny in her mouth and laid it down to try and nurse it (because the Humane Society aborted her kitties and she still has mothering instincts). Is there anything else I can tell you about Tortellini Alfredo Sauce as I like to call her sometimes? Actually, there is one more thing. I’d like to have a human character modeled after her someday named Tori Edge. She was originally going to be used in a college RPG on Good Reads. She was the ex-girlfriend of a schizophrenic student named Mario Bryan (who will get his own post later on). When Mario’s head voices became too much for her to handle, Tori broke up with him right on the cusp of graduation. Ever since then, she found a new boyfriend and I was going to have her introduce him to Mario in the RPG. Unfortunately for Tori, Mario, Tori’s plus one, and of course, me, the Good Reads group had a lot of potential, but virtually no activity. A group is only as good as the people who participate in it. Nobody wanted to role-play with Mario, so there was no opportunity to introduce Tori. So now that Tori never got her start in the literary world, I’m wondering what exactly I can use her for. A cheerleader? A basketball player? A volleyball player? If I’m going to choose a sport for her, I don’t want it to be a bloody one like MMA or pro-wrestling (despite those two being my all-time favorites). Tori Edge is a major sweetheart and shouldn’t have her face bloodied or bruised by an iron-fisted punch from Liz Carmouche or Amanda Nunez. If it’s at all possible, I’d like to preserve Tori’s innocence for as long as possible. Maybe she can be part of a PG or PG-13 story of some kind. No R-rated stuff for her. I wouldn’t want the kitty version of Tori to experience R-rated trauma, so why would I want that for the human Tori Edge? We’ll find something for her. She’s got the athletic grace to do whatever she wants adventure-wise. She could be the next Sonic or Princess Peach, you never know.

　

***INTERNET MEME OF THE DAY***

“I hate being bipolar, it’s awesome!”