Showing posts with label Teddy Bear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Teddy Bear. Show all posts

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Ted


MOVIE TITLE: Ted
DIRECTOR: Seth MacFarlane
YEAR: 2012
GENRE: Comedy
RATING: R for language, violence, and sexual content
GRADE: Pass

If you’ve watched any Seth MacFarlane cartoons over the years, you know exactly what you’re going to get from anything else he does: crude jokes, ridiculous fight scenes, pop culture references galore, and a belly full of laughs by the time you’re done watching. You’ll get everything you’ve come to know and love when you watch Ted, except this time without a TV-14 restriction holding Seth MacFarlane back. Oh sure, it starts out as an innocent friendship between a boy and his stuffed bear. But the bear has to eventually grow up too, which pretty much gives him a license to engage in whatever degenerate behavior he wants whether it’s snorting cocaine, beating people up, or having sex in the produce section of a grocery store. The whole movie is full of over-the-top moments made even funnier when they come from a Peter Griffin-sounding teddy bear. Growing up is overrated. Thunder buddies for life!

And because this is a Seth MacFarlane production, that means a lot of the jokes are going to be politically incorrect. And you know what? Even watching this in the present day, I don’t care! The more offensive, the better, I say. At least these disgusting jokes have substance to them. And hey, as long as it gets a laugh from the audience, all bets are off. Seth MacFarlane knows what he’s doing when it comes to comedy. None of the jokes come off as lazy or ham-fisted. It’s not like he scrolls through 4Chan every day just to dig up new material. He doesn’t need to do that. He’s got enough talent on his own whether he’s joking about taboo subjects or not. I won’t spoil any of the jokes here in this review, because I want you to watch the movie for yourself and enjoy the experience with a fresh and open mind. If you can watch Family Guy until the end of time, I think you can handle Ted just fine.

But do you know what’s even more unsettling than raunchy humor? Donny and his son Robert, two of Ted’s “biggest fans”. And by biggest fans, I mean obsessive serial killers and torturers who stalk Ted everywhere he goes. If you took Donny and Robert and put them in any other genre of movie, they could be convincing villains all the same. They’re deranged, abusive, creepy, controlling, manipulative, and pretty much any other adjective that will make you want to turn and run. Yes, Robert is a little on the chubby side and can’t run very fast, but trust me, you can’t get far enough away from that psychopath or his father. I jumped for joy when Mark Wahlberg’s character punched Robert in the face and knocked him out cold. But can he do the same to Donny? I’ll just leave that question hanging for as long as your anxiety will allow it.

Yes, this movie is a comedy that’s not meant to be taken seriously, but there is a good story in here about love and friendship. There are lessons to be learned underneath all of the belly laughs. Is it really necessary to “grow up”? Is one friend really more important than the other? Should friendship come easier for lonely kids? Not to sound too philosophical over a Seth MacFarlane movie, but getting hit in the feels is a common occurrence throughout the movie, especially near the end. Okay, maybe your feels won’t get hit nearly as hard as Mark Wahlberg and Ted hit each other in a cheap hotel room, but still, it’s something to consider when deciding on a final grade for this movie. In my case, I’ll give it four out of five stars. It’s not a perfect movie, because the laughs don’t come THAT frequently, but just frequently enough for some good old fashioned enjoyment.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Incelbordination, Chapter 21


The penultimate smack in the face for Oswald was being forced to go to therapy. The ultimate smack in the face was knowing it would affect his final grade in English if he didn’t. He must have read that email from Valerie Sand fifteen hundred times, but his fist-tightening anger didn’t subside any more than the first time. “Who the fuck does she think she is?” he wondered aloud as he swung his little feet in the computer chair. He took care not to pound his fists, for they were still healing slowly. He took one last look at his bruised knuckles and wondered when he would be able to punch the “Sand bag” again. “Therapy…I don’t fucking need therapy!” he huffed as he got dressed and exited the dorm.

The little guy still wore his medical boot and still had a modicum of pain shoot throughout his foot with each step, but the wincing and limping were minor prices to pay for his recovery. At least the therapist’s office wouldn’t be too far from here. But even so, it was still his longest trek due to how many people around him still had those ghostly expressions. Maybe they needed therapy too. Maybe they were already going to therapy and it didn’t do diddly-squat. Did they have their grades depend on this too or was Oswald the odd man out?

Oswald didn’t want to admit it at first, but when he first arrived at the therapist’s office, he was already comforted by the atmosphere around him. Harp music to relax his ears, receptionists talking in their best ASMR voices, paintings on the wall of gorgeous pink sunsets, and not one stereotypical “cray-cray” person sitting in the waiting room. “Good morning! How can I help you?” asked one of the receptionists with her sweetest smile.

“My name is Oswald Crow. I was told to come here by my English teacher Valerie Sand. She might have already scheduled an appointment for me, but I’m not sure.” Oswald just then figured out how much venom was oozing from his mouth as he spoke those words. It must have been like talking to a spitting cobra for this poor young lady behind the desk.

Nonetheless, she typed away at her computer and never once lost her gentle disposition. “Okay, Oswald, I’ll let Dr. Jealous know you’re here. Take a seat in the waiting room anywhere you like.”

“Thank you.” The waiting area wasn’t exactly packed to the brim with traumatized patients, but even so it was hard for Oswald to pick a seat without getting in someone’s personal space. This was his strategy all throughout high school and college: pick a seat completely isolated from the rest of the group. He could’ve sat next to the cute chick texting on her phone. He could’ve sat next to the fat guy in the Star Wars T-shirt enjoying a bag of Doritos. He could’ve sat next to the middle aged lady gazing languidly into the distance. So few options, yet he had to choose. Or did he?

“Oswald Crow?” said a gentle feminine voice, which caused the little guy to jump a little bit before clutching his pumping chest. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. I’m Kristen Jealous. I’ll be your therapist today.” She and Oswald shook hands. “Follow me into my office.”

Oswald couldn’t help but wonder why this lovely woman wasn’t wearing shoes. In fact, the sweat pants and Mickey Mouse sweatshirt didn’t exactly scream therapist from the mountaintop. Something was fishy about this whole setup and it all became clear once Oswald noticed a bed in the center of the room instead of a stereotypical leather couch. “What’s going on here?”

“Well, when Ms. Sand made your therapy appointment for you, she figured you could use this specific kind of treatment. Our session is going to last two hours and it’s going to be cuddle therapy.”

“C…cuddle therapy?”

Placing her soft hand on Oswald’s shoulder, Kristen said, “Yes. We’re going to cuddle for two hours and try to get you to open up. There’s one ground rule before we begin. This is a nonsexual activity, so any perverted comments or actions will result in the termination of this session. By that same token, the whole purpose of this treatment is to make you as comfortable as possible. If you don’t like something I’m doing, please let me know.”

“…C….C…Cuddle therapy?”

Kristen gave a closed-mouth giggle and said, “Don’t worry about a thing, Oswald. I’ll take good care of you. I know you’re nervous, but you don’t have to be. I promise you that this will be one hundred-percent safe. When we’re done, you’ll be nice and relaxed.”

“…O…Okay, um…”

Gently squeezing the back of his neck, Kristen said, “Do whatever you have to do to get comfortable and I’ll be waiting for you on the bed.” With a few more pats of the little guy’s shoulders, Dr. Jealous plopped down on the bed and patted Oswald’s half of the mattress.

Taking a few deep breaths, Oswald removed his T-shirt and footwear before hobbling to his side of the bed. He surprised himself by how easy it was to pull his body up without assistance. Maybe he was healing nicely after all. He rolled on his side with his back facing Dr. Jealous while the longhaired therapist pressed her body against his and ran her fingernails through his now spiked hair.

Any nervousness about this process and any ill will Oswald had towards Valerie Sand melted away when the tingling sensations ran through his scalp. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, already sinking into the bed.

“See? There’s nothing wrong with clean physical contact,” said Kristen while squeezing Oswald’s shoulders and spine. “Now, do you know why you’re here today?”

“Because my English teacher thinks I’m a fruitcake?”

“Couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, I don’t like to use that word to describe my patients. It’s very derogatory.”

Oswald’s face reddened when he said, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I can understand your frustration. Your teacher tells me that you have a hard time letting people into your life, that you struggle with loneliness, that your loving needs aren’t being met.”

“Am I that obvious?” asked Oswald in a progressively relaxed voice. “People don’t like to be around me because of who I am and what I look like. They think I’m some kind of circus sideshow. I’ve even heard stories about drunken frat boys throwing my kind across bar counters for fun and games. I’m angry, Dr. Jealous. I don’t let people in because they’ll just stab me in the fucking heart.”

Transitioning into a waist hug, Kristen said, “While I do admit there are some guys in this world who think that way about people with dwarfism, it’s not the whole population. Most people are good to each other. Most people would look at someone like you and smile their friendliest smile. You might have to go out of your way to find these kindred spirits, but they exist and they’re waiting for you.”

“I’ve only found a handful of people on campus who fit that bill. Even then they don’t have any qualms about leaving my life and letting me rot.” A single tear rolled down Oswald’s face and Kristen wiped it away with her finger before working on his shoulders again.

“They leave your life because you don’t pursue them. Truth is, they’re probably hurting just as badly as you are. They don’t make the first move because they’re the ones who’re afraid of rejection, not you. I’ve had many patients come and go who had the exact same attitude towards social situations as you. They yearn for love of some kind, but they don’t pursue it because they’re afraid of getting their hearts broken.”

“They’re right to feel that way.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t feel that way about you,” said Kristen while resting her head against Oswald’s shoulder. “I know it’s my job to make my patients feel good about themselves, but I wouldn’t have this job in the first place if I didn’t feel some sort of empathy towards my clients. That’s kind of a requirement.”

Oswald smiled. “True.”

“You know…on the day you’re able to find a girlfriend, she’s going to want to cuddle with you a lot. She might even call you her little teddy bear. It’s not a knock against your dwarfism. It’s a celebration of cuteness.”

Oswald’s face glowed like a nuclear rod as he did his best to hide his smile.

Dr. Jealous continued, “I really do believe there’s somebody out there for you. Someone who you can share opinions with. Someone you can share moments with. It doesn’t even have to be someone romantic. It could just be a friend who cares about you. Friends can engage in physical contact too. That’s what I want you to think of me as: your friend. You can tell me anything you want.”

“…Anything?”

“Anything you want.”

Oswald didn’t even know where to begin. So many thoughts swirling his head and this was his one opportunity to get it all off his chest. It took him a while to come up with a launching point, but when he did, another tear rolled down his cheek. “I almost became an incel.”

“You what?”

Holding his thumb and forefinger together, he said, “I was this close to joining Incelbordination. I was lonely and scared. I didn’t think anybody in this world wanted me, so it only felt right to be a part of this. I wanted to hurt the world so badly. I wanted them to feel my pain and my agony. But…I didn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. And now I have nothing to show for it.”

Wiping away more of Oswald’s tears with her fingers, Kristen said, “You do have something to show for it: wisdom. You’ve seen the worst side of humanity and you didn’t give in. You almost did as you’ve just said, but you overcame that. That alone takes courage. You’re a hero, Oswald. You can inspire people in a positive way if you so chose.”

“How? Nobody will listen to me and anybody that does just thinks of me as a walking C+.”

“C+ or no C+, you’re still going to graduate from this place one day. And when you do, all the pain and suffering will be worth it. College can oftentimes be a depressing experience, but for you, it can be an opportunity to grow into something greater than yourself. Your teachers don’t care about the grades you get as much as they care about the person you become once you leave their classrooms.”

“I somehow doubt that.”

“Doubt is a natural emotion, but not if it gets in the way of your greatest ambitions. I want you to be happy, Oswald. I want you to make friends, make love, and be the sweetest teddy bear you can be.”

Oswald’s tears turned into a full-on crying session and Kristen Jealous was there to hold him every step of the way. Scratching his back, rubbing his shoulders, playing with his hair, these things made crying a comfortable part of the process. For the first time in forever, the little guy felt secure. He felt loved. He didn’t want to leave the comfort of this room despite the fact that the session was only two hours long. “Why does this have to last for only two hours?” he sobbed aloud.

“Because I have other clients to see who need my help just as much as you do. Otherwise…I’d cuddle you for as long as you needed it. This doesn’t have to be our last session. In fact, I hope to see more of you in the future…you little teddy bear.”

“I love you.”

“…Excuse me?”

“Sorry…I’m really sorry about that.”

“Wasn’t the first time somebody told me that by accident. Won’t be the last either. You’re safe in my arms, Oswald. Cry as much as you want. Heal as much as you need to.”

The rest of the two hour session was spent doing those things: crying and healing. And it felt good to do that after so many years of loneliness and isolation.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

"Country Song" by Seether



From childhood to my early teens, I played with toys and exercised my imagination so that one day I could use it to make my dreams come true as an adult. Now that I’m an adult and have four e-books to my name, I continually look for tributes to my childhood either on the internet, in movies, or in books. I recently saw The Lego Movie and my nostalgia needs were on orgasmic overdrive.

Long before that movie came out, I saw the music video for “Country Song” by Seether, which front man Shaun Morgan once called “Toy Story on crack”. He wasn’t kidding. The video shows a kid playing with action figures on the beach and whatever he’s doing to the toys happens in the world that Shaun Morgan and his band mates inhabit.

The band members are cowboys in the wild west (as the title “Country Song” would suggest) and the other toys are the villains of the story. You’ve got a Mexican luchador, a teddy bear, a space man, all of which occupy a wild west story, by the way.

But that’s the great thing about having a budding imagination: rules don’t matter. If Shaun Morgan wants to shoot an imaginary chain gun at the other “characters” in the music video, so be it. If a big fuzzy teddy bear wants to stir up trouble in an anachronistic nightmare, let him do it. And if the kid’s little sister wants to bring her Barbies along, they can stand by Shaun’s side like the smoking hot cheerleaders they are.

When you’re a kid playing with your toys, any object can be whatever you make it. If I was eight years old and saw a lead pipe lying on the ground, I’d probably interpret it in my play world as a big ass flame cannon. If I had a human-sized stuffed panda on my bed, he’d be one hard ass motherfucker for a Lego man to kill. If I saw a rubber stamp from the library lying on the ground, I’d probably use it to flatten my action figures into pancakes (in my imagination, of course).

I was born in 1985, which means I’m physically a grownup now. Emotionally? Far from it. While I prefer to play with characters in my stories instead of action figures, I’m still the same kiddy-pie I was in the 80’s and 90’s. A boy has the right to dream, but a man has the means to make those dreams come true.

Did I mention that I have four e-books to my name? Go to Smash Words and search for Garrison Kelly if you’re interested. Go to You Tube to watch the music video for “Country Song” by Seether as well. Seether is a hard band not to love, but in case you don’t, at least you can have a nostalgia boner when watching the music video.

 

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

INTERVIEWER: What will you tell your children when they ask about what mommy did with her talents?

TEMPERENCE: I’m not going to have children.

-Bones-