“That’s right, Oz-Man. Wipe the tide pool from your eyes for
just a few seconds. You can get back to crying like a bitch once I’m done
showing you something. Don’t worry, this shit will be completely G-rated. Heh,
the irony!”
Wacey Judge towered over his opponents just like he always
did, a fire-breathing giant among shaky villagers. The lower half of his face
was hidden with a skeleton bandana, a dam from the venom spewing from his lips.
His hulking chest was covered in tactical gear while his gargantuan biceps
remained visible for all to see.
One unzipping of his vest later and it became clear to the
fire-eyed Oswald and the trembling Sarah-Jane what Wacey’s new agenda was all
about. The black T-shirt that clung to his six-pack ever so tightly had the words
written on it…Incel Pride Worldwide.
“I don’t fucking believe this,” muttered Oswald. “You? Of
all people? An incel? You’re a fucking meat castle! You can have any woman you
want! If anybody should be wearing that shirt, it’s…”
“It’s who? You?” asked Wacey while hunching over. “Sorry,
little man, but they don’t make these at the Baby Gap. I earned this shirt. I
never wanted it, but it’s mine anyways. You remember that little cheap shot you
gave me to the balls that one day in the gym? Well, it’s hard to be anything
but celibate with a bleeding dick! You ruined me, Oswald. You took everything
you could from me all over a stupid fucking joke.”
Crossing his arms and maintaining his gorgon stare, Oswald
said, “Joke? The only joke I see around here is the irony of you joining a
group of people who tried to have you killed. You’re a bigger meathead than I
thought! It makes me wonder how the fuck you got into college in the first
place. If I had grades like yours, I’d hang myself!”
“You should hang yourself anyways, little brittle. It’d be
less painful than the ass-ripping I’ve got planned for you. Every incel
community needs a personal trainer. I’ve got what they want. They’ve got what I
want. Incelbordination doesn’t want to kill me anymore because they understand
me and I understand them. Or as you faggy liberals like to say, I embraced
diversity!”
Oswald tried to approach Wacey for another five finger dick
punch, but Sarah-Jane held him back and pleaded with him. “Come on, Oswald,
don’t do this. Let’s just get out of here and call the police.”
“Yeah, that’s right! Run on home, little boy!” Wacey
taunted. “If I don’t get you today, I’ll get you tomorrow. Or maybe one of my
new buddies will. You ain’t going anywhere without getting your shit kicked in.
We’re Incelbordination. We’re everywhere! And besides, if you run off, who’s
going to stop me from wiping my ass with that Disney blanket over there?”
Sarah-Jane’s quivering fear morphed into silent rage when
she slowly stood up and approached Wacey with chest-to-chest contact. “Listen,
you bastard, I don’t give a damn what you do to me, but if you defile my
sister’s grave in any way, I don’t care how many muscles you have, I’ll…”
“You’ll what? Give me Chlamydia? That’s pretty much the only
chance you’ve got of getting laid anyways!”
“You motherfucker!” shouted Oswald as he limped towards his
target with fists close to his face.
Wacey shoved Sarah-Jane to the floor and went on the attack,
kicking the dwarf in his medical boot and crumpling him to the ground in agony.
While Oswald screamed and clutched his leg, the meat castle leaned down and
repeatedly slapped him upside the head. “Get up! Get up, goddamn it! This shit
ain’t over yet!”
Sarah-Jane scrambled across the grass on her hands and knees
and took a bite out of Wacey’s cannonball calf. The muscle head yelped in pain,
but not before ripping the girl off by her hair and head butting her in the
forehead. The eldest Bradley sister dropped to the ground limp as a noodle and
dizzy as a rollercoaster rider.
Oswald reached his hand out and yelled Sarah-Jane’s name
before Wacey continuously stomped on his surgically repaired foot. The dwarf’s
eyes watered like a leaky faucet while his foot crumpled and caved in with
every American History X stomp. After about eight strikes, the assault was
mercifully over, though mercy was clearly the last thing on Wacey’s mind as his
serpentine eyes gazed down upon his weeping and agonized foe.
The gym rat removed the bandana from his face and revealed a
pool of foam gathering between his gritted, ursine teeth. “Those boxing skills
aren’t helping you now, are they?” No response from the screaming Oswald, just
tears and pain. Through his waterfall vision, he could still see Sarah-Jane
slightly awake from her head butt. Her eyes widened when Wacey grabbed the
Mickey Mouse tapestry on Jessica’s grave and did the butt floss with it.
“No! Put that down! Please!” begged Sarah-Jane, but poor
taste prevailed when Wacey actually stuffed the tapestry down the back of his
shorts and wiped his ass with it. He even threw it at the downed sister for
good measure.
Oswald knew for certain this was how his story would end:
laying in a pile of blood and tears with someone who shared his cataclysm of
agony. He wouldn’t slay the demon. He wouldn’t get the girl. He wouldn’t have
justice of any kind. The only way this could be worse for him was if it
happened in a McDonald’s bathroom covered in shit and piss. Wacey growled at
Oswald as he leaned down and raised his fist, prepared to do the honors of
killing Incelbordination’s greatest foe.
“Wacey Everett Judge! Put your fucking hands in the air and
turn around to face me!” shouted a familiar-sounding detective. “Do it or
you’re getting a third nostril!” Slowly but surely, Wacey obeyed the instructions
given to him by a shotgun-toting Mia Barry. Oswald would have smiled, but his
face hurt worse than his foot from all the crying and screaming. “You think
Incelbordination is everywhere? Well, so are we! Your fearless leader Antero
left behind a digital footprint as big as your empty head!”
“I’ll leave a footprint right in your fucking skull, you
little bitch!” shouted Wacey as he charged over to Mia knowing he had nothing
left to lose. Sure enough, the suicide by cop was complete. Once Wacey got too
close for comfort, Mia pulled the trigger on her shotgun and splattered the
jock’s head all over Jessica’s grave and Oswald’s body. Wacey’s sculpted
headless body plopped over and leaked all over the shit-stained Disney blanket.
Mia dropped her shotgun and cradled Oswald’s head in her
lap. “I’m so glad I found you when I did.” She pulled out her radio and called
for medical attention for both Oswald and Sarah-Jane. “Don’t worry, we’re going
to get you fixed up.”
“My foot…my goddamn foot! It hurts!” moaned Oswald.
“Listen to me. It’ll be alright. I know you’re in a lot of
pain, but there’s something else I need to tell you. You need to go into
witness protection after your surgery.” The dwarf’s burning, watery eyes lit up
like a neon sign at that revelation. “Incelbordination is going to keep hunting
you down until they kill you. You were responsible for Antero’s downfall. That
means they want blood. I’m sorry, Oswald. You can’t be here anymore. You’re
going to have a new name, a new identity, and a new place to live.”
“No, you can’t take him away!” begged Sarah-Jane while
tugging at Mia’s arm.
“It’s okay, Sarah-Jane, it’s okay!” insisted Oswald.
“There’s nothing left for me to do here. This town can do without me. I’ll be
alright no matter where I go. You know why? Because people like you make me
believe that.”
“Are…are…are you sure?” wept the eldest Bradley sister.
“I’m positive,” said Oswald with a sad smile. “I can’t keep
fighting Incelbordination forever. My foot can’t handle it. My body can’t
handle it. My mind sure as shit can’t handle it. I swear I’ll be okay. You’ll
be okay too. Everyone will be okay. You just have to trust Detective Barry. She
knows what the hell she’s doing.”
A beat of uncomfortable silence hung between all three
parties. And then Sarah-Jane leaned her face closer to Oswald and kissed his
burning red forehead. “I know we don’t know each other that well, but… I want
you to take that with you wherever they decide to put you. Thank you for
everything, Oswald. I won’t forget you.”
“I won’t forget you either…I can’t even forget seeing a
headless version of Wacey. No matter where I go, I will conquer. Fairytales
don’t just tell us that dragons are real. They tell us that dragons can be
beaten. I can do this…I believe in myself…I never though I’d hear myself say
those words…”
