Obligations

Running away from your obligations

Won’t put an end to the conversation

The topic’s been brewing for a while

Never mind approaching it with style

You must attack the problem head-on

Even if it starts to feel morally wrong

You don’t have to have the answers

You’re a team player, not a freelancer

Help each other come to a conclusion

Don’t spend so much time in seclusion

Don’t confuse the act of cooling down

With running away and skipping town

You can do this, it’s a phone call away

Don’t put this off for yet another day

Three words, eight letters, say it loud

Before the hatred comes back around

Don’t let a small misunderstanding

Become your downfall, a stiff landing

Pick up the phone before it’s too late

Before the silence has sealed your fate

Solving My Problems With Violence

VERSE 1

It’s the gift that keeps on giving

It’s the hell that keeps on living

A smack for refusing to listen

To the orders you have been given

I’m not asking you to commit murder

To turn dead bodies into hamburgers

It’s a simple task, not too much to ask

Yet you choose to be a pain in the ass

CHORUS

Solving my problems with violence

Is better than pacifistic silence

Is better than being a pushover

To someone who should act older

VERSE 2

Keep your ears open, your mouth shut

For your excuses, I give zero fucks

Your angry stare means nothing to me

It’s the final warning for you to heed

CHORUS

Solving my problems with violence

Is better than pacifistic silence

Is better than being a pushover

To someone who should act older

BRIDGE

Pushing me to the edge

I’m going out of my head

Smack, smack, smack, smack

I’m going on the final attack

VERSE 3

I’m the teacher, you’re the student

Quit pretending like you are stupid

Quit resisting every word I say

I didn’t come here to fucking play

EXTENDED CHORUS

Solving my problems with violence

Is better than pacifistic silence

Is better than being a pushover

To someone who should act older

Solving my problems with rage

It gets much worse with old age

It may get me locked in a cage

At least I can call myself a sage

Solutions

***SOLUTIONS***

Before I begin, I want everyone to know that this particular topic isn’t directed at one person in particular; it’s just something I’ve had brewing for a while. One of the most popular ways to generate interest in your story is by piling on problems on your main character’s already hefty workload. Or as TV Tropes likes to say, Just Add Ninjas. Or as Jenna Moreci says as well, “Break your hero’s legs with a baseball bat.” I will admit that I struggle with not putting my characters in enough danger. It’s not because I don’t like tension or that I’m intentionally babying my heroes. The main problem with me is that I can’t come up with realistic solutions to these many problems the heroes are facing.

For example, a recent critique against Incelbordination’s seventeenth chapter is that subduing Antero was too easy of a task for Oswald. That’s actually a fair criticism. For a guy who had Oswald wrapped around his finger the entire story, Antero certainly chose the dumbest way to confront him, armed with just a machete and no backup. In hindsight, Antero should have had a better plan. But how many obstacles for Oswald are too many before the little guy gets brutally murdered and nothing is solved? Suppose Antero brought a handgun instead of a machete. It’d be smarter, but how would Oswald realistically combat someone with that kind of advantage? Suppose Antero drove a tank to the dorms. Should Oswald turn into a Super Saiyan Level Four and throw a Kamehameha wave at the oncoming war machine? Again, I’m not trying to disparage the person giving me the critique, but these are points that need to be considered if such a debate will happen.

Another example of something I can foresee going wrong is how easily Scott George from Silent Warrior was freed from prison. Spoiler alert: his bail was paid via a Go Fund Me page set up by Principal Williams. Given the nature of Scott’s crime and how little he knows about prison life, how else was he supposed to walk free? Perhaps instead of bunking with Alan Young, he could have Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption as his cell mate. Once the two dig a tunnel behind a Raquel Welsh poster, they can read copies of Count of Monte Crisco by Alexandree Dumbass until the end of time. Even if escaping jail somehow became the non-sarcastic solution, it’s too ambitious of a plan for someone like Scott. Once he’s free, he’s forever on the run and has no way of redeeming himself. He doesn’t get the girl (Adrienne Simpson), he doesn’t graduate from high school, and he doesn’t teach Adrienne’s father a valuable lesson in respect.

Want another example? Of course you do, that’s why you’re here. About a year and a half ago, I wrote a heavy metal urban fantasy novel called Demon Axe, about a singer who uses a magical microphone to slay his enemies (audiomancy). The microphone in question is considered a MacGuffin, which is defined as any object in which the story revolves around. Spoiler alert: the microphone determines the outcome of the story. MacGuffins are considered a literary sin in most critical circles, but then I ask, what else is Daniel Mercer (the singer) supposed to do? How can he realistically combat someone who has enough fighting experience to murder entire crowds of people at once (that person being the elven terrorist Roger Zee). Daniel’s only combat experience comes from barroom brawls, which hardly emphasizes the technique Roger spent decades learning. Having a powerful weapon like the MacGuffin microphone is the only way to subdue someone as powerful as Roger.

Solutions to major storyline problems aren’t easy to come by, especially if you’ve painted yourself into a corner like I’m so often afraid to do. It’s okay to ask for help. In fact, that’s one of the beta reader’s roles in his or her job: to help come up with solutions for seemingly impossible situations. Granted, they can’t do everything for you, but if you split the brainstorming 50/50, I’m sure the two of you can come up with some feasible solutions. It could be that there is no solution and that your characters have to die a nasty death. It could be that something major has to change in the storyline before the solution is readily available. Working out such kinks is a team effort and acknowledging this will lead to a healthy professional relationship with your beta reader. You’re not alone. You’re never alone.

I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“If you need somebody, call my name. If you want someone, you can do the same. If you want to keep something precious, got to lock it up and throw away the key. You want to hold onto your possessions, don’t even think about me. If it’s a mirror you want, just look into my eyes. Or a whipping boy, someone to despise. Or a prisoner in the dark, tied up in chains you just can’t see. Or a beast in a gilded cage, that’s all some people ever want to be. You can’t control an independent heart. Can’t tear the one you love apart. Forever conditioned to believe that we can’t live here and be happy with less. With so many riches, so many souls, with everything we see that we want to possess. If you love somebody, set them free.”

-Sting singing “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free”-

Disaster Porn

OPENING DIALOGUE

ADULT: You know, Chud, Japan was hit with an earthquake, Haiti was hit with an earthquake, there are wars going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, there’s starvation happening all over Africa…and you’re complaining about your love life? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!

VERSE 1

Not once have I thought of a starving African teen

And had all my nightmares turn into sweet dreams

Not once have I pictured bullets flying in the desert

And had all my struggles turn into minimal effort

Not once have I envisioned a high Richter scale

And had all my bad thoughts crash and derail

It’s not perspective, it’s goddamn disaster porn

Making you feel guilty for the way you were born

CHORUS

It doesn’t matter if someone has it worse

The pain inside will always fucking burn

The bleeding heart will always fucking hurt

Perspective doesn’t help get us out of hell

VERSE 2

There’s no true answer to what we all need

Whether it’s exercising until our bodies bleed

Meditation until our minds have gone numb

A college schedule to prove we’re all dumb

Soap carving, basket weaving, clay sculptures

Something to remember when we get older

There’s no one solution for everybody here

Everybody’s different when it comes to fear

CHORUS

It doesn’t matter if someone has it worse

The pain inside will always fucking burn

The bleeding heart will always fucking hurt

Perspective doesn’t help get us out of hell

VERSE 3

If I had a child, I wouldn’t feed him world crises

I’d listen to his every word, that’s fucking likely

Have an open door policy even when he grows up

Soothe his anxiety when he wants to throw up

Soothe his traumas when there’s too much drama

Ease his mind when faith is hardest to find

Building up kids is easier than repairing adults

It could be too late to erase every last insult

CHORUS

It doesn’t matter if someone has it worse

The pain inside will always fucking burn

The bleeding heart will always fucking hurt

Perspective doesn’t help get us out of hell

CLOSING DIALOGUE

ADULT: You know, Chud, if you don’t want your dinner, I could always send it to China and…

CHILD: Shut the fuck up!

Cold

VERSE 1

I gave up on helping you a long time ago

The tears in your eyes continued to flow

You never wanted help, never wanted peace

The negativity never really wanted to cease

You argue even after being proven wrong

Your heart is weak, your ego is strong

I’ll never help those who won’t help themselves

I guess that makes my heart cold as hell

CHORUS

You wonder why I act so cold

Because this shit is getting old

Sick of watching drama unfold

It’s the final time you will be told

VERSE 2

Believe it or not, I was once in your shoes

But I turned negativity into the oldest news

Took me many years to see clearly now

At my kind of age, I’m feeling damn proud

My ego was once the size of good old Texas

I had no interest in cleaning my own messes

I hated the world with a burning passion

If I hadn’t listened, I’d wear funeral fashion

EXTENDED CHORUS 1

You wonder why I act so cold

Because this shit is getting old

Sick of watching drama unfold

It’s the final time you will be told

Call me heartless, call me cold

Your hand was never mine to hold

Take a chance, be brave and bold

Or sleep underground covered in mold

BRIDGE

I’ve never been great at the toughest love

Now my new role fits just like a glove

You’ve pushed my buttons too many times

With the number of times I’ve heard you whine

EXTENDED CHORUS 2

You wonder why I act so cold

Because this shit is getting old

Sick of watching drama unfold

It’s the final time you will be told

Call me an asshole, call me a bastard

Call me anything, it doesn’t matter

You’re going to listen if you like it or not

Wipe away your tears and bubbly snot