You're All Nazis

To every boomer who told me to get a job

To every victim blamer who laughed when I sobbed

To every ableist who called me lazy

To every bully who labeled me a baby

To every dude bro shouting from their cars

To every mean drunk who frequents all the bars

To every cop who ever patted me down

To every invalidator who told me not to frown

To every teacher who tried to break me

To every pervert who wanted to rape me

To everybody who threw their insults

Got a name for you all if you get that impulse

 

You’re all Nazis! You’re all Nazis!

Do your salute for the swarming paparazzi

Tell the world who you really are

Expose your evil like a fascist superstar

Be honest about your status as an asshole

Make it obvious that you should lose the battle

The war too, let’s not forget the bloodshed

Clean sweep you all, never be an upset

Victory, you’ll all go down in history

For being on the wrong side, the ones who cause misery

Admit to my face that you’re worthy of hate

So I can pack a 45 and seal your fate

A bullet to the dome is what you needed all along

So much evidence against you, how could I be wrong?

Close your eyes, here comes a non-surprise

Bang-bang-bang! Now you lay down and die

Some People Never Die

CHORUS 1

Some people never die

They thrive on those who cry

On those who dare ask why

Some people never die

VERSE 1

Friends come and go, assholes are forever

Pissing on your party like stormy weather

Killing the planet and killing its people

It’s evil for the sake of just being evil

Hate is their lifeblood, death is their air

The devil and his demons don’t compare

The innocents are left to pick up the tab

Long after laying on cold metal slabs

CHORUS 2

Some people never die

Don’t even fucking try

To get your share of pie

Some people never die

VERSE 2

Mortality is only for those at the bottom

It’s not just a fucking first world problem

The elite of the elite are treated like gods

They get to pick who falls for the frauds

They get to choose who lives and who dies

That’s what they mean by Right to Life

Shoot first and ask questions later, son

Isn’t this a lot of goddamn fucking fun?

CHORUS 3

Some people never die

Some people buy into lies

Some shit just always flies

Some people never die

Some people live forever

Some people have it better

Some people rule the world

Making their queens’ toes curl

CHORUS 4

Some people are pieces of shit

While others had enough of it

Some people are worthy of hate

Revolution? Why should we wait?

Some people wore out their welcomes

While others feel fucking helpless

Some people never die

Some people never fucking die!

Knives to Meet You

VERSE 1

You look so cute when you’re on the floor

Bloodied and broken, a victim of gore

There’s only one way to end our little war

Slash and stab your ass a little bit more

CHORUS

Knives to meet you! X3

Knives!

VERSE 2

My blade reminds me of an Otter Pop

Licking it clean, never missing a drop

How can something so goddamn bad

Taste so good it drives me bat shit mad

You’re damn right I’m sick and I love it

Take the edge of my knife and stuff it

Right into your most delicate places

If these are your holes, I’ve got the aces

CHORUS

Knives to meet you! X3

Knives!

VERSE 3

A serial killer and a blood spiller

Intoxicates me like a bottle of Miller

Gets me high like a needle full of drugs

Gets me horny when you’re covered in bugs

This is my idea of black comedy

This is my idea of peace and harmony

The silence of the lambs is new age music

Goddamn, it feels so good to just lose it

EXTENDED CHORUS

Knives to meet you!

Fight and defeat you!

Slash and beat you!

Carve and eat you!

Until we meet again!

In the world of death!

Knives to know you!

Knives to own you!

FINAL VERSE

Don’t worry, my love, it’s all a punch line

Drink in the humor like a bottle of wine

Put your feet up and enjoy the show

It’s all you can do in a hellfire glow

Kill, Cut, Scalp

Buildings crumbled to rubble. Oceans flooded the streets. Volcanoes burned this once great Earth. Lightning flashed in the gray skies. And who did the people of Earth have to thank for all of this? Their new master, the necromancer Dark-Law. Those who agreed to Dark-Law’s leadership survived long enough to live as slaves. Those who didn’t were tortured with spikes and fire or decapitated with a skeletal minion’s energy saber. Dystopia was an overused word to describe situations such as this. Hellish nightmare would have been more appropriate. The worst part about this? Nobody was powerful enough to slay this sorcerer and restore peace to this destructive landscape.

The wicked magician spent most of his free time in his bone-constructed temple bathing in a pool of blood, which he would also use as a screen to monitor his minions’ handiwork. The blood was warm and bubbly, just like a Jacuzzi. The skull decorations and tribal masks lining the walls of his personal room were relaxing as well. The blue-fleshed, baldheaded, sharp-fanged wizard draped his arms across the edge of the pool, threw his head back, and let out a peaceful sigh.

“Excuse me,” said a tired and dull voice.

Dark-Law lifted his head and opened his weary eyes to see that a young gentleman with a plump stomach, sweat pants and a T-shirt, a bald head, and droopy jowls standing on the other side of the bloodbath. The poor guy looked so tired and uncharismatic that he could have fallen over and passed out at any minute. But he didn’t. For all of his lack of charm, this gentleman had some kind of reason for being here.

The blood pool showed visions of the skeletal guards outside the temple in perfect shape and standing stoically. They appeared to be doing their jobs, but they obviously weren’t considering this poor excuse for a hero just showed up in Dark-Law’s private chambers. The necromancer would deal with their insubordination later. Until then…

“What’s wrong, young lad? Are you lost? Did you stumble into the wrong room? Leave my chambers, post-haste! You’ve seen what I’ve done to this world, so killing off an everyday loser like you would be a cakewalk!” threatened Dark-Law.

With his jowls swinging freely from his chin and cheeks, the boring hero said, “I didn’t make a mistake. My name is John Bush and I’m here to take your scalp off with this pocket knife.” He indeed had a pocket knife in his hand and it looked about as long as his sausage-like pinky finger.

Such disturbing threats would normally be met with a lightning bolt or a bone spear from the deadly wizard. Instead, Dark-Law burst into monstrous, throaty laughter and pounded the edge of his blood pool with his fists. “Are you serious? Your name is John Bush and you’re here to kill me? And here I thought you came all this way to file my taxes!” He laughed some more.

Maintaining a stoic and dull aura, John Bush said, “I’m not kidding around, Mr. Dark-Law. Everything I tell you is the truth.”

“The truth?! You want to know what the truth is, laddie?! You’re a big pudgy idiot named John Bush and you’re carrying a pocket knife the size of a goddamn toothpick! No wonder my guards let you in so easily!” said Dark-Law as he continued to pound the edge of the pool and laugh like a hyena.

“Okay, Mr. Dark-Law. I warned you,” said John before kicking off his sandals and touching the blood pool with his toe.

“HEY!!” shrieked the deathly wizard, which caused the unlikely hero to jump back in fright. Dark-Law stood up in the pool and waded across it while maintaining an evil stare. “I’ve tolerated you up until this point, Mr. Bush. But nobody, and I mean nobody, bathes in my pool of blood except for me!”

Instead of tiptoeing his way in the pool, John Bush jumped in and created a huge splash with his hefty body. “What now, Mr. Dark-Law?”

The sorcerer growled and teleported over to John’s position. Face to face with stale breath invading his opponent’s nostrils, Dark-Law wrapped his claw-like hand around the top of John’s head and shoved him under in an attempt to drown him. The hot temperature and acidic taste of the blood weren’t enough to make Mr. Bush put up a huge struggle against his suffocation. He either really was a passionless hero or he was enjoying the bubbly feeling like he was in a hot tub.

As John’s oxygen bubbles got smaller and smaller, Dark-Law screamed at him, “I rule this world with death and destruction! This planet is my plaything! But you, John Bush! You are my one and only bitch!” It was at that moment when Dark-Law felt a jab of sharp pain in his leg and jumped backwards underneath the blood while John Bush stood back up coughing and gasping.

Dark-Law also stood back up and had a fresh scar running across his leg compliments of the “toothpick” in his opponent’s hands. For such a small weapon, it created quite the gash. But this wizard wasn’t going away that easily. His wound healed quickly and new skin formed over it. Despite the hopelessness ahead of him, John didn’t look the least bit disappointed.

“You see that, Mr. Bush! That’s what happens when you sell your soul to the devil himself! I traded a normal life for these godlike powers and now this world is brought to its knees! But you, Mr. Bush. You won’t have the luxury of living on your knees much longer. Instead you’re going to die like a whore on your back!” threatened Dark-Law as he gathered black energy in the palm of his hand.

John didn’t look too impressed with Dark-Law’s magical abilities, but probably would be once the shadow ball was tossed his way. One hard throw and this charade was over. After a cannonball-like shot from the sorcerer’s hands, the bullshit was indeed over, but in a different way.

John Bush swatted the energy ball away and revealed that his pocket knife hand had turned into a burning red skeletal hand. He had been playing mind games this whole time and Dark-Law was just now figuring it all out. The blue-skinned sorcerer backed up into his pool in sheer fright of what he was seeing, his body shaking and his head barely above the blood.

“The games are over, Dark-Law. And now it’s time to see who the real bitch is!” said John in a demonic scream unlike the medicated voice he was using this whole time. He began to tear his own flesh off until all that remained underneath was a fiery red skeleton with steel angel wings and a crown of spikes.

“No…no, this isn’t happening! Where the hell are my guards when I need them?!” screamed a fearful Dark-Law. The blood pool showed that the skeletal guards outside the temple were also part of the façade. Upon gazing at them a second time, their bones crumbled into ashes and dust.

“For god’s sake! If you worthless minions can’t handle this, then I will!” shouted Dark-Law as he leaped out of his pool and started throwing green energy balls left and right at the death angel known as John Bush.

Every ball found its target in John’s bony chest and he appeared to be bending backwards in pain. Dark-Law raised his arms and cheered in hope that he had won this battle. But victory wouldn’t come so easily for the deadly wizard. Instead the green energy projectiles caused John’s death angel body to grow larger and fierier. The red skeleton shouted a demonic cry before firing his own projectile straight through Dark-Law’s heart: a fire spear that drained his black blood into the already disgusting pool.

The evil ruler screamed his last scream of pain and thrashed his last bone-breaking thrashes. His now hollow corpse was tossed aside and John Bush’s death angel form had transformed back into his uncharismatic chubby body, still with the pocket knife in his hand.

John waddled over to Dark-Law’s corpse and sat his big ass down to start cutting away at the man’s scalp. “This will make for some awesome scientific research.” Indeed it will, John, because this dystopian nightmare shall never happen again. And to think, it was all because the almighty Dark-Law refused to take his most unlikely opponent seriously. For shame.