Matt Mitrione: His Hate-Boner for Fallon Fox Turned Out to Be a Real One

 

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord

 VERSE 1

It’s the year 2000, so grow a set of balls

Get your individuality from Pink Floyd’s Wall

Watch ECW like it’s going out of business

Arena covered in blood as god as my witness

You’re too good for corporate ass-kissing

Too underground with your vinegar pissing

Photoshop videogame chicks into bikinis

Give yourself a reason to stroke your weenie

Watch Newgrounds videos until your brain rots

Watch Dragon Ball Z while smoking crack rocks

Play Tekken and become a badass karate master

Play DOA and become a future boyfriend faster

Become a comedian who punches down low

Smoke fifty reefers in a motherfucking row

No way the pen is mightier than the sword

Such is the life of a Pimp Daddy Edge Lord

CHORUS

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord! X4

VERSE 2

You’re a grown ass man, all the jokes are gone

Now it’s time to figure out what’s right and wrong

The edgy shit that you’ve come to depend on

Leaves you an empty shell singing a sad song

There’s a world out there that needs your help

Good intentioned politicians pave the road to hell

The old you is now a ghost of your distant past

Along with the jokes about fucking some ass

“Georgie-Porgie pudding and pie

Fuck the girls, make their pussies cry”

You laughed back then, but it’s disgusting now

Like the way you compared fat people to cows

Like the way you compared every race to animals

Like the way you wrote a cook book for cannibals

We’re ready to fight, are you standing beside us?

Or have you always been a slacker-ass D-minus?

CHORUS

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord! X4

BRIDGE

The world is in ruin and you are a shoe-in

To be the next savior of misbehavior

Population is sick while you stroke your dick

To the machinegun chick holding dynamite sticks

The country is fucked and it’s going to suck

But you’re still in luck, you’ve got your big truck

You couldn’t let go of your comedic shit show

Enjoy the next civil war, Pimp Daddy Edge Lord

CHORUS

Pimp Daddy Edge Lord! X4

Rhys Hardcore

NAME: Rhys Hardcore
AGE: 32
OCCUPATION: Capoeira Fighter
CANONS: Black Cross (movie script) and Zeromancer (novel)


I haven’t played a serious videogame since 2010, when I kept getting my ass kicked by a multi-striking lava dragon from the Nintendo DS version of Final Fantasy III. Before 2010, videogames were a huge source of creative fuel for me. One franchise I don’t talk about enough is the Tekken series. The techno music, the badass fighters, the variation in martial arts, Tekken had it all. And thus we have part of the inspiration for Rhys Hardcore, a capoeira warrior who could be a throwback to Eddy Gordo in terms of how lightning fast he was. When it comes to morals, however, Rhys Hardcore was more like Heihachi Mishima, a corporate juggernaut with iron fists and concrete nuts.

Rhys didn’t start out as such a bad guy. In the 2008 movie script Black Cross, he was just a regular capoeira master who was hired by a corporation to keep the peace between two tribes of warriors who were set to do battle in a big name arena. The capoeira fighter then known as Reis Porrada (King of Hardcore in Brazilian) was damn good at his job: whenever the tribes fought in the locker room, he beat the shit out of all of them. He didn’t beat them badly enough to hospitalize them, but just enough to teach them to follow Reis’s law.

Following this man’s law would be an even more valuable asset in the novel incarnation of Zeromancer, where the now Americanized Rhys Hardcore was a ruthless gangster with equal parts violence and shallowness. He didn’t have rivalries with other gangs. He instead declared war on people who were ugly or poor. He would throw parties with his gang in the most inconvenient places and tossed out all the undesirables before he actually set up shop.

When three lizards named Zuga Edai, XX Shiva, and Diesel Reznor refused to comply with Rhys’ orders, the three “hideous” warriors were locked in one of his dungeons and tortured until they either died from extreme pain or a broken heart. Zuga managed to get out alive, but the hell Rhys Hardcore put him through was enough to make the orc wizard into a permanent sourpuss. Nobody wanted to be around Zuga anymore. Hell, Zuga didn’t even want to be around himself anymore. Thanks, Rhys Hardcore. You’ve taught us once again that the upper 1% can do whatever the hell they want while anybody slightly beneath them is destined for a lifetime of sorrow.

Because I currently have a shortage of male villains in my archives, Rhys Hardcore will have to be assigned to that particular grouping. And why wouldn’t he be? He demands conformity from people who can’t change their circumstances and beats the shit out of them when they don’t. If the corrupt Wall Street bankers had capoeira skills, good looks, and treated every place they went to like a Miami pool party, then they would be perfect carbon copies of Rhys Hardcore. And really, isn’t perfection what we all should strive for? Shouldn’t we all just get in a big group and meld into each other until we’re all one big pool of perfection? While perfection may be nice to a lot of people, the word “perfect” is an insult to those who strive for individuality. Try telling this to Rhys Hardcore, the capoeira gangster with millions of dollars, millions of cars, and a craving for enough power to control the entire solar system (despite those planets not being terra-formed just yet).

You’ve read this far into my character analysis and are probably wondering if I created Rhys Hardcore just for the sake of having a rich whipping boy (because I’m obviously not rich myself). You’re wondering if I’m harboring any jealousy toward the top 1%. While it’d be nice to have that much disposable income, the less successful have talents and dreams of their own to where they don’t necessarily need that much money to survive. People like to look their noses down on welfare recipients while I on the other hand see untapped potential. When you tap into a source of creative fuel and it’s rich in nutrients, then the future can be a bright place for a lot of people. Rhys Hardcore doesn’t want you to tap into that potential, yet he’s more than willing to call you lazy even though he was the one who stopped you from succeeding.

So the answer to your lingering questions is no, I’m not jealous of the top 1%, because none of those people could measure up to the hype that Rhys Hardcore brings about. Rhys is the ultimate villain-sue: he knows martial arts, he has all the money in the world, and people do what he wants while those who question him are tortured and killed. If Rhys Hardcore was a real person, we’d all be fucked. His realness is the difference between the world ending slowly and naturally and the world ending in an instant cluster fuck of chaos.

　

***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

RANDAL: I remember that night we went to Julie Dwyer’s funeral, you were all like, “I need to shit or get off the pot!”

DANTE: You said shit or get off the pot, not me!

RANDAL: You got all fired up about taking charge of your life and what did you do? You worked at the Quick Stop until it burned to the fucking ground!

DANTE: I took courses that broke down!

RANDAL: And then you dropped out!

DANTE: Because you stopped going!

RANDAL: Because we were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took fucking criminology, for Christ’s sake! Who the fuck are we training to be: Batman?!

-Clerks II-

Gryace

In the WWE, there’s no shortage of wrestlers with one name: Cesaro, Rusev, Ryback, Stardust, Kane, Fernando, Diego, aw, fuck it, I’ve made my point. While Gryace may not have a future in a real world company, he did have a future once upon a time at Play By Web. Remember Play By Web? The place I got kicked out of? Gryace is one of the characters I’ve salvaged from there.

Gryace was invented during the time where I was transitioning between the usernames Zeal and Undertaker. If you’d like plain English, my character was active while I was arguing with the entire PBW roster over my ability to enjoy porn despite my young age. Naturally, this flamboyant martial artist didn’t get much time to shine.

While I don’t remember the name of the game he was a part of, I can tell you that the game was basically arena combat where magic and creativity were highly encouraged. In fact, the admin of that group specifically said that if anybody had a problem with magic use, those people would be kicked out of the group altogether since closed-mindedness wasn’t allowed.

Gryace didn’t have any magic powers. But he did have martial arts skills that were so powerful and so flashy, even videogames like Street Fighter and Tekken wouldn’t be able to contain him. He didn’t just kick his opponents; he kicked them while doing a hundred summersaults, fifteen tuck-and-rolls, and twenty triple axles. This guy defied gravity with every punch and kick he threw. Maybe he didn’t need a plane ticket to get to his next venue. He could just kick somebody in the ribs in America and end up in Japan in less than a minute.

Because of his ability to tell gravity to go fuck itself and his hard-hitting style in general, Gryace didn’t need magical powers. In fact, if he tried to go Dragon Ball Z on his opponents and throw a Kamehameha wave, he could be an astronaut also in less than a minute. Is there life on other planets? If you give Gryace magic powers, he would be the first to tell you.

How could a young martial artist with a world of potential be so downplayed when it mattered most? Because at the time, I was 16 years old and my writing abilities weren’t nearly as developed as they are now. In order to win any matches in this game, you couldn’t just be a good writer; you had to be a literary badass. While I thought highly of myself and believed in my own abilities at the time, it didn’t mean anyone else agreed with my massive ego. Gryace was destroyed by his magic-wielding opponent in record time. Will we see Gryace again? If I ever have another story where kicking ass is important, you’re damn right you’re going to see him again.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“Even through the darkest days, this fire burns always.”

-Killswitch Engage singing “This Fire Burns”-

Fantasy and Reality

I’m a peace-loving liberal who loves action movies and violent literature. Like the Scottish Koreans in the Starburst commercials, I’m a walking contradiction and I don’t make a wee bit of sense. How exactly is this possible? It’s because I know how to do something that I wish everybody would learn to do: distinguish fantasy from reality. In the fantasy world, violence is dazzling and fun to watch, as evidenced in movies like First Blood and TV shows like the WWE. Even the UFC has a level of fantasy in it, probably because it’s heavily regulated. In the real world, violence is a disgusting thing to watch. There’s a huge difference between watching First Blood and watching a war documentary on MSNBC. That’s why I wish everybody could distinguish fantasy from reality, because people play videogames like Halo and Gears of War and automatically assume that they too can become ass-kicking soldiers who go undefeated throughout their military careers. Bzzt! Wrong! If you join the military and somehow make it back to civilian life with your body intact, no matter what the outcome of the war you’re fighting, you will never be the same again. You might return home missing a few limbs. You might wake up in the middle of the night and not know where you are. You might burst into tears when you hear someone popping balloons because it sounds like gunfire. In the world of mixed-martial arts, the same thing is true. Just because you went undefeated in a game of Tekken Tag Tournament or Super Street Fighter II, doesn’t mean you’re going to excel in the UFC. The fighters who work for that company? They’re super athletes who spend anywhere from eight to twelve hours a day training in the gym and even then they get injured from time to time. If you have the body of a god and that god happens to be Buddha, stay away from the cage (unless of course your name is Roy Nelson, in which case, you’ll do just fine). Do you know why they call it a fantasy? Because it exists in the mind and nowhere else except for in artistic expression. If The Hobbit was a documentary instead of an action-adventure movie, we would be seriously fucked as human beings. Or elves. Or dwarves. Or even fire-breathing dragons and walking rock people. Just to be on the safe side, whenever I self-publish one of my books, I put a disclaimer at the beginning that reminds my readers never to copy anything they read. They will die a miserable, slow death if they do. I don’t just do it to get a laugh out of people. I do it for their own good. That and I don’t want to get sued. Are you paying attention, Stephanie Meyer? Maybe you should tell your own audience to stop biting each other’s necks. I’ve bitten people when I got into fights at school. It’s not fun. So please, Twilight fans, stop biting each other’s necks! Got that? Good! I don’t think there’s anything more that needs to be said, except…

　

***WRESTLING QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Pro-wrestling is real. People are fake.”

-Mr. Anderson-

Books Based On Videogames

It’s 2001/2002 and you’re a member of Playbyweb.com, a post-to-post RPG website. You try to establish an RPG based on a popular videogame only to be met with comments like, “Why don’t you just play the videogame?” Are you sick of those comments yet? Get used to them, because in 2009 when you officially solidify your status as a bookworm, you take an interest in books that were adapted from videogames. A few weeks ago, I went to Barnes & Noble and bought something that I look forward to reading someday: “Diablo III: The Order”. I’ve never played Diablo III, just the second one and the first one. Judging from how memorable Diablo II was, I figured that the third one in the series should be just as exciting and fast-paced. I expect the book will be just as action-packed as the videogames themselves. This will be the attitude I take with me whenever I go shopping for books at Barnes & Noble. There’s a whole sprawl of books and graphic novels based on videogames. I’ve seen ones based on Halo, Diablo (as I’ve said earlier), Sonic, and…those are the only ones my shitty memory will allow me to say. I’m sure there are others. Shit, just the other day, I was surfing Amazon and I purchased a copy of “Super Mario: How Nintendo Ruled America” by Jeff Ryan. It’s nonfiction of course since it’s in the style of a biography. I’ll look good on my shelf once it gets here. In the meantime, all this talk about books committed to videogames makes me want to see some novels based on other games as well. A Mario biography is nice, but how about a novel based in the Mario universe? Wouldn’t you like to see a story told through the creepily curled eyes of Phanto? I would, that’s for damn sure. Or how about a Final Fantasy IV novel told in a Calcobrena Puppet’s point of view? I’m sure that would sell. Hell, I’ll even settle for a Pac-Man book if it’s at all possible. I’m sure someone out there with a wild imagination could do it. Or if you’re into something a little more action-packed, let’s try some Street Fighter and Tekken books. There’s a whole universe of videogames out there that hasn’t been exploited yet. The only thing stopping authors like me from exploiting them is the anal-retentive copyright laws where corporations will literally sue over nothing. That’s part of the ongoing debate over fan fiction these days: internet postings and personal sharing is fine, but no official publication lest you be taken to court. If there are any authors out there who are more capable of getting a license to write videogame books than I am, I implore you, make these novels a reality. And no, I won’t just “play the videogame”, because I’ll get frustrated by the immense difficulty level. The last time I actually played a game was in 2010 when I kept getting my ass kicked by a lava dragon in Final Fantasy III for the Nintendo DS. It seems hypocritical that I would want videogame based novels after not having played one in three years. Maybe I’m just nostalgic since they were a huge part of my childhood. So how about it? Will we have that Donkey Kong novel or not? Anybody? Hello!

　

***CODY’S ARMY***

Whenever I’m not posting blog entries like the one I just did or writing chapters of Hardcore Hate 2: It‘s a Real War, I’ll be reading “Cody’s Army” by Jim Case. I’m 20 pages into it and it’s already an exciting thrill ride.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Mickey Mouse is in Walt Disney’s office and Walt says, “I can’t just fire Minnie for being stupid.” Mickey says, “I didn’t say she was stupid. I said she was fucking Goofy.”