Burn It All Down

VERSE 1

Mist of black, skies of red

Fires dance inside my head

Make the nightmare come true

Unleash my hatred upon you

CHORUS

Burn it all down!

Burn it all down!

Burn it all down!

Burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it down!

VERSE 2

Tires stacked around your body

Gagged like a bondage hottie

Strike the match, light the flame

Hell and earth, one in the same

CHORUS

Burn it all down!

Burn it all down!

Burn it all down!

Burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it down!

VERSE 3

Revenge complete, human meat

Barbecued ribs, pickled feet

Enough to eat, Kentucky fried treat

A heavy price for your defeat

CHORUS

Burn it all down!

Burn it all down!

Burn it all down!

Burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it down!

FINAL VERSE

You did it to yourself and nobody else

You fucked me over, no longer sober

You got your justice, fiery comeuppance

There is no epilogue, stack the bonfire logs

There is no forgiveness, you just witnessed

Your own demise, such a fitting prize

I own your soul, I have total control

I bury your bones under the gravestone

Shelly Craven

NAME: Shelly Craven

AGE: 24

OCCUPATION: Fetish Stripper and Criminal Informant

CANON: Abyss

I don’t go around advertising my sexual fetishes to everyone, but just this one time, I’ll make an exception. The reason I even have to make an exception is because my sexual appetites are, how shall I say this in a nice way…fucking weird! Well, they’re weird to the people who actually know about them. I have three different sexual fetishes: bondage, feet, and diapers (without bodily functions except orgasms).

If you feel like turning around and running away with your arms flailing in the air, I can’t really say I blame you. But if you actually have an open mind and would like to hear about Miss Shelly Craven, you can stay. Be warned: this blog post isn’t rated G. Or PG (unless there’s an I in the middle). Or even PG-13. Abyss, the canon Shelly was a part of, was rated R for, surprise, surprise, sexual content.

Before I was even dimly aware of how bigoted objectification was, I wrote a movie in 2007 called Abyss, where the main character was a 30-year-old man with a baby’s mind and a love for playing with toys. The main character, Angel, is on the run from police after he kills his father over a broken toy. Angel has no idea where the hell he’s going, so he absentmindedly pays a visit to Shelly Craven.

Shelly is the embodiment of all three of my sexual fetishes. When performing onstage for horny strangers, she puts duct tape on her own mouth, she wears a diaper (again, without bodily functions), and she massages oil into her bare feet. Seeing her perform is a very strange experience, I agree. But it’s also one you’re going to have in your spank bank for a long, long time. Admit it, you like her. You know who doesn’t like her, though? Angel. In fact, seeing as how he has the mind of a baby, he’s confused and overwhelmed by her performance.

What Angel doesn’t know is that Shelly, in addition to being the sexy lady of every man’s dreams, is also a snitch for the local police. She was warned ahead of time by Detective Jon Ball that a big man-child might be coming her way. So what does she do? Keep him “occupied” with her dance. Big mistake. Big, big mistake. Not only does Angel get away, but he inspires bouncers to attack him and kills them as well as his father. So now there’s a monster on the loose and Shelly is powerless to capture him.

And now here’s what I would have done differently with Shelly’s character if I was writing Abyss today in 2015 (or at least when this blog post was being written). Over the years, I’ve learned that although women are beautiful in nature, putting them in sexual situations can be the equivalent of making black characters eat watermelon or making Jewish characters greedy. In other words, it’s bigoted and it’s disgusting. It would be the same if somebody made a movie about a schizophrenic kid and turned him into a Complete Monster serial killer. As someone with a mental illness, that would offend me and I’d want to kick the shit out of the writer of that movie.

That’s not to say female characters can’t be attractive. They can retain their sexuality, but only if the audience sees that they’re more than just objects. They’re people with real emotions, real traumas, and real stories. Originally in the Abyss script, Shelly Craven was doing her fetish stripping as a way to keep her head above water. She had bills to pay ranging from basic rent to alimony to her deadbeat husband.

What I would do differently is make her into a character who rises above such adversity in an independent and tough-minded fashion. Maybe she wants retribution against Angel, so she grabs a shotgun and blasts his nuts off. Maybe she collects a reward on the monster’s head and uses that to not only pay her bills, but move into a better place. Yeah, Shelly Craven is sexy as hell, but if you mess with her, you’re one dead motherfucker. She’s a fetish stripper and a male fantasy second and a badass first. Angel, nobody’s going to take away your toys, just your right to live.

Three-dimensionality can exist within any character in any canon. It’s all a matter of being open-minded enough to want it and actually putting in the time to develop these even minor characters. If your Mexican character is running around in a giant nacho hat, he’d better have some fucking personality or you’re in deep shit. Shelly’s going to have personality and that will suffice.

　

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What does Anonymous think of Kim Kardashian breaking the internet?

A: They don’t give a Fawkes.

"The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice

If you’re looking for a sweet, gentle romance novel that will win your heart and make you shed tears of joy, this isn’t the book for you. If, on the other hand, you want a permanent hard-on and a reason to flush all of your Viagra down the toilet, Anne Rice is the author you want to turn to. She wrote a book back in the early 80’s called “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty”, which takes a normally innocent fairy tell and turns it into the sexiest piece of literature you’ll ever read. It matters not what your gender or preference is, because at the beginning of the book, Anne Rice specifically says that this novel is “For the enjoyment of men and women.” Yeah, no kidding. This book has everything you could ever want in a sexual fantasy: hardcore bondage, man-on-woman intercourse, woman-on-woman action, and from time to time, man-on-man action. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter what your sexual preferences are, because sooner or later, no matter who’s getting it where, you’re going to have some serious libido afterwards. Do you all remember that episode of Family Guy where Glenn Quagmire discovers internet porn and suddenly his right arm is more muscular and toned than the left arm? That’s going to be you by the time you complete the first chapter. Maybe after the first page. But as sexy as this book is, there are some points in it that are completely mind boggling. Having sex slaves run around a track and jump through hoops like circus lions? That’s a little bit bizarre even for the bondage genre. All in all, I can’t complain, because those bizarre moments are very few and far between. There are far more hot and sexy moments than there are weird and awkward moments. The one moment that’s my personal favorite is when Prince Alexi has sex with The Queen for the first time. And then afterwards, she grabs various body parts of his and claims that they are hers. And when I say body parts, I’m obviously not doing a good job of being subtle. In short, if you want something that’ll make a Playboy magazine seem about as fun as The Wall Street Journal, buy this book. I will admit, though, that it’s not the quickest read you’ll ever have. But then again, with sweet action like this, it doesn’t have to be. You’re not just going to be hooked all the way through this book, you’re going to be chained and gagged to it as well.

　

***LYRICS OF THE DAY***

“She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I’m sure. And she’s all dressed up and knocking at my door. She is dangerous, she is dangerous, I know. But she’s got my heart and she’s never letting go.”

-James Blunt singing “Dangerous”-