HR Pufnstuf: Teaching Children Corporate-Speak Since 1969

 

Coffin Crusher

VERSE 1

Wake up from the underground

Casket makes a creaking sound

Time to hunt some fuckers down

Make the Spirits of Evil proud

Step up to the hulking mummy

You ain’t got a chance, sonny

Rip the lining from your tummy

Sell your hide for big ass money

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4

VERSE 2

Let’s all do the dance of death

Psychotic spirits in our heads

We all know how we’ll die

Rotten fist between the eyes

Brains turned to sloshing shit

Hearts roasting on a stick

Flesh ripped up like love letters

Viscous blood tastes much better

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4

VERSE 3

The one-man killing machine

Left behind a genocidal scene

Rivers of blood down his throat

Oceans of tears, where’s the boat?

Mountains of flesh masticated

Hollow corpses exsanguinated

A meal fit for the gods themselves

Bon appetite, see you all in hell

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4

FINAL VERSE

Back to the casket for a deep sleep

Pray the devil your soul to keep

If you die before you awaken

Know that you have been forsaken

CHORUS

Coffin Crusher! X4

Zombie-Ogre

VERSE 1
Eat, sleep, shatter, repeat
Ultra-violence for human meat
Winner, winner, chicken dinner
The glutinous one is a true sinner
Blood on his fangs, flesh on his tongue
Poison in his gut, disease in his lungs
Zombie-Ogre is coming to kill
Cannibalism, a sadistic thrill


CHORUS
Zombie-Ogre! Zombie-Ogre! X2


VERSE 2
The mosh pit is more like a buffet table
Survive genocide? You’re clearly unable
You can kick and punch, but your ass is lunch
It’s just a formality and not only a hunch
Heavy metal fuels his venomous veins
Every guitar riff ensures his iron reign
Zombie-Ogre is the master of slam dance
Getting out alive is a fucking slim chance


CHORUS
Zombie-Ogre! Zombie-Ogre! X2


VERSE 3
Never forget, you made him this way
You laughed at him every goddamn day
You shamed his body from head to toe
Threw rocks at him with crushing blows
Now he’s hungry for the flesh of humans
Disgusting creatures just like he knew them
The meat is so tender it falls of the bone
The blood is perfect for the king in his throne


EXTENDED CHORUS
Zombie-Ogre! Zombie-Ogre!
Don’t worry, bitches, it’ll all be over!
Zombie-Ogre! Zombie-Ogre!
Cannibalism gives him a massive boner!
Zombie-Ogre! Zombie-Ogre!
He can end it quickly if you just roll over!
Submit yourself to the barbecue rack!
Feel the flames turning your body black!


FINAL LINE
Zombie-Ogre! Mmm, mmm, good!

"The Lovecraft Anthology" by HP Lovecraft

 

 

Do you feel like there’s no hope for the future? Do you feel like everywhere you go there’s something always there to pull you under? If you said yes to either of these questions, just know that you’re not in a Lexapro commercial. It’s much, much worse. You’re a character in the graphic novel rendition of “The Lovecraft Anthology”. This isn’t just any collection of horror stories we’re talking about. HP Lovecraft is a legend in his genre. His horror revolves around terrifying monsters that not just destroy everything around them, but drive the main characters to madness. Now do you wish you were in a Lexapro commercial? Well, let’s see what we’ve got here. The most obvious example of maddening pessimism is the Call of Cthulu. Cthulu is a gigantic, oily creature with multiple tentacles and a head so ugly that you won’t feel like eating anything for weeks. But really, do you expect your sanity to last only for a few weeks? Wrong, pacho! And if you don’t believe me, try taking a look at the tale where a monstrous force has infected a farmland and everybody who eats the crops has their brains turn to liquid shit. What about the tale where mermen emerge from the sea to claim what’s rightfully theirs, all whilst surrounding the main character in a futile escape attempt on his part. Case in point, you’ve got nowhere to go, motherfucker. As for me personally, I don’t get frightened that easily from horror stories. Most of the time, I just find the violence disgustingly disturbing. In this graphic novel, not only is the violence disturbing, but it’s actually frightening, which is the whole point of horror: to scare the living crap out of people! There’s one description that really got the best of me in terms of pants-pissing fright. The main character in one of the stories actually describes his heart as feeling like someone was gripping it tightly as a fearful reaction. Of course, nobody actually had a tight grip on his heart…right? Maybe I’m wrong about it just being a description. Truth be told, I put absolutely nothing passed HP Lovecraft. He will do anything to anybody as long as his pessimism serves him well. There are no happy endings, there are no fairy tale archetypes, it’s all just one huge clusterfuck of insanity. If you really want to feel like the world is ending without having a bunch of whackos spouting things about 2012 in your face, buy “The Lovecraft Anthology” instead. I’d end this review by saying that everybody wins, but that’s not entirely true, now is it?

 

 

***JOKE OF THE DAY***

 

Q: What did the masochist say after eating at Red Lobster?

A: Mmmmmmm!!