Emilio, One Half of the Iconic Duo "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Stephanie Vaquer from WWE vs. Aaron Lewis from Staind: Low-Stakes Flirtation Lost in Translation

 

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Hey, Garrison! Why does Aaron Lewis look like Joe Rogan?"

Must you ask?

Dianna Dionne, MMA Referee for Bergstrom vs. Moss in "Take a Shot, Shoot Your Shot"

 

Dr. Luke: If He's a Doctor, Then Pete Hegseth Is the President of AA

 

Give Me My Flowers

VERSE 1

I heard the words that no child should hear

“Your dreams are dead, no one will shed tears”

I carried them with me like brain cancer cells

And I survived my own schizophrenic hell

 

PRE-CHORUS 1

No, I don’t need the Medal of Freedom

I’ve seen who won and I don’t need to be them

Serve humble pies so my abusers can eat them

Poison the crusts so I can slay all my demons

 

CHORUS 1

Give me my flowers

Do it for hours

Give me my power

Give me my flowers!

 

VERSE 2

I did the math at the expense of my sanity

I took the pills at the expense of my vanity

And all I got was a damn piece of paper

That says nine-to-five is my one true savior

 

PRE-CHORUS 2

No, I don’t need the Medal of Honor

Though life is war when it only gets harder

Tell my teachers that it’s okay to forget me

Their C’s and D’s make it okay to regret me

 

CHORUS 2

Give me my flowers

Before they sour

Death to the cowards

Give me my flowers!

 

BRIDGE

They tell me it was so many years ago

As if it was something I would never know

Without their reminders and beige prose

Is it any wonder why I will not let go?!

 

CHORUS 3

Give me my flowers

Grown from spring showers

Wilt within hours

Give me my flowers!

Give me my flowers

On your own power

Say I deserve them

Water and serve them!

Desilu Thomson, Cooking Professor from "The Accusers"

 

Chef Nash, Giant Antagonist from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Richie Incognito: a Crybully Who Believes That Real Men Don't Cry...Which Means He's Ratting On Himself

 

Simone Biles: Gold Medal Magnet and Humble Pie Waitress

 

Warner Brothers: 100 Years of Celebrating Every Story, Even the Ones They Tell Themselves to Assuage Their Insecurities

 

Rhea Ripley vs. Chris Morgan: When Bagel Boss Makes You Their Bagel Bitch

 

Katie Miller: Provider of Workers and Soldiers for Our Capitalist Society

 

Bruce Friedman: The Michael Jordan of Book Banning and the Riley Gaines of Mediocrity

 

Fred Trump, Sr. vs. Chris Benoit: Contenders for Father of the Year

 

Blanka from Street Fighter II vs. Laura Ingraham from Fox News: A Masterclass in Malicious Compliance

 

Antonia DiAngelo, Grumpy Grandma from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Old school Garrison's Library fans will remember me submitting "Emilio & Marigold" to Hollow Hills and getting it published in "Raining Cats & Dogs" in 2020. Hollow Hills have since closed their doors for good. Now Emilio & Marigold will be part of an anthology of fantasy novelettes called Lysergic Fairytales, which I'll do myself.

Darbie Molina, Olimpia's Rival from "Seven Star Reads"

 

Blackjack Randall from Outlander vs. Kyle Royce from TikTok: Guess Who's Winning Based On Their Filmography

 

Ted Cruz Will Lose

 

"I CAN'T MOVE ON! I CAN'T MOVE ON!"

 

Glitch McConnell, I Mean, Moscow Mitch, I Mean, Old Age Mutant Ninja Turtle, I Mean...Fuck It!

 

Roy Moore Should Be No More

 

This one's obviously more serious than the others I've drawn. Darker, too.

Vivek Ramaswamy: Jesus Loves Him, Everyone Else Thinks He's an Asshole, Even His Own Party

 

Sgt. Emil Foley from "An Officer and a Gentleman" vs. JD Vance, an Officer Who's Anything But a Gentleman (Rest in Peace, Louis Gossett, Jr.)

 

Lori Chavez-DeRemer: Rated R for Republican

 

Judge Jeanine Pirro: Her Media Literacy Skills Are Sharper Than RFK's Heroin Needle

 

Dana Loesch: She Shoots from the Hip...at Unarmed Black People

 

Christopher Charlton, Paiten's Psych Ward Neighbor from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

Catey Zolot, Physically Ill Religious Kid from "Jumping For Jesus"

 

Candice Moss, Tillee's MMA Opponent from "Take a Shot, Shoot Your Shot"

 

Tillee Bergstrom is a striker who wants to keep the fight on the feet. Candice Moss is a wrestler who wants to drag her to the ground and either submit her or punch her senseless. Let's get it on!

Billy Corgan vs. Father James Mitchell: Are You High?

 

Getting kicked off The CW has caused Mr. Corgan some...Melancholy and Infinite Sadness.

Meryl Streep vs. Chael Sonnen: What Is Art?

 

Sarah McBride vs. Nancy Mace: Another Transphobe for the Barbecue Pit

 

Makynlee Cova: Glass Ceiling Destroyer

 

If Nate Diaz can flex his biceps while he has a dude in a triangle choke, Makynlee Cova can pose while she's choking her own opponent. Girls and women don't have to be proper and pretty all the time. Men and boys can be vulnerable and soft. Fuck gender roles.

Marco Rubio: "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!"

 

Jane's Addiction X Jane Goodall: She's Addicted to Kindness

 

Jayar Jackson: The Left Still Has an Anti-Youth Problem

 

R.E.M. vs. Russell Brand: Losing My Religion

 

James Acaster vs. Graham Linehan: The Loser Gets TERF Island

 

Simon Cowell vs. J.G. Wentworth: a Ratings Draw vs. a Blood Draw

 

Caitlin Clark vs. Gregg Doyel: a Gen Z Girl Being Hit On By a Million-Year-Old Dinosaur

 

Imane Khelif vs. Melania Trump: No, That's Not a Boxing Match, Unfortunately

 

Brian McGinnis vs. Tim Sheehy: "NOBODY WANTS TO FIGHT FOR ISRAEL!"

 

Movie Review: Redemption (SPOILERS and TW for Child Abuse)

MOVIE TITLE: Redemption

RELEASE DATE: 2007

DIRECTOR: Michael Bryson

GENRE: Short Film (22 minutes)

SUBGENRE: Psychological Drama

RATING: Unrated, but contains emotional and physical child abuse

GRADE: A

 

Because the run time is only 22 minutes, it’s impossible to discuss the plot points without crossing into spoiler territory, so if you don’t want spoilers, leave now and read something else.

 

And because this is a short film made by a low-budget indie company, it really does show when they film within their means. The camera work, the editing, the sound quality, yes, it all screams low-budget indie film. Don’t let that factor into your enjoyment when watching this movie. Enjoyment might not be the right word because of how triggering some of the content is, but if you’ve been spoiled by Hollywood movie effects, it’ll be jarring to see something of this quality. The acting, the storyline, and the psychology behind this film more than make up for it.

 

Every actor who played a part in Redemption did their job and did it convincingly. When the mother beats the little girl after a bedwetting accident, you feel the daughter’s pain through her visceral screams and heart-wrenching cries. You feel it all over again when the mother forces her daughter to go outside in public with a diaper on so that everyone can scrutinize her shame. The daughter’s body language, her pouting, her head tucked in her lap, you know she’s going through abuse even without seeing the violence yourself, though including the violence on screen was necessary to drive the point home. You understand that the mother mourns the death of her husband. She’s lost without him, but instead of being there for her daughter, who also lost a father, the mother beats and humiliates her with forced infantilization. Yes, the daughter accidentally distracted her dad and caused him to crash the car and die, but she was a kid being playful, not malicious. The guilt of causing her father’s death compounded with the vengeful abuse from her mother create a cocktail of trauma for her to grow up with. The traumatic events are different for all of us in this life, but nobody makes it out unscathed. The daughter is relatable on some level. That’s why we don’t shame her when she finds a pistol in her mother’s nightstand drawer and shoots her.

 

I have one nitpick about the plot going forward from this point, but it’s not enough to lower my grade. After shooting her abusive mother, the daughter grows up and gets married without any mention of her serving jail time for what she did. Yes, she was in the right, but this movie was filmed in Texas, so I’m assuming the story takes place there, too. The right-wing Texas government doesn’t give a damn about women and girls and will go to any lengths to subjugate them. If the daughter did serve time in jail, it was awfully short and a surprisingly gentle experience that didn’t make her worse. But at the end of the day, there’s a story to tell and it has nothing to do with the Texas prison system. The movie is called Redemption and by God, that’s what we’re going to get.

 

Another nitpick, but it’s one some other audience members might have: the narrator’s voice. Obviously, the story is narrated by the abused girl who grows up into a psychotically traumatized adult. Her voice is nasally, whiny, and subdued. Some audience members might be put off by her voice, but not me. That’s the voice of someone who’s been forced to endure infantilization against her will. That’s the voice of a child who never had the chance to grow up and experience life. And yes, when you experience a significant amount of childhood trauma, it changes your voice. There’s actual science behind that. I’m glad the director chose to tell the story that way, because it makes perfect sense.

 

And then there’s a nitpick that certain members of the diaper community have voiced on the internet that I can’t take seriously: “Uh, why didn’t she just marry a guy with a diaper fetish?” Because that’s not the point of the story! She’s not wearing diapers as an adult to entice her husband. She’s wearing them because they feel familiar, even if that place of familiarity was dark and terrifying. A familiar trauma will always gain favor over the scariness of the unknown. We like familiarity, because it cuts down on anxiety, ironically enough. You could argue that it’s not a man’s job to fix broken women in the same way that it’s not a woman’s job to fix broken men. But her husband loves her for who she is. He married her for a reason. He didn’t get in the relationship specifically to fix her. But when he sees her wearing a diaper and laying on a bed full of crime scene photos, he doesn’t want to judge or laugh. He wants to heal her. He wants to be supportive and help her move on.

 

The movie ends when he tears up a crime scene photo and embraces her, allowing her to shed tears on his strong shoulders. The fact that she was able to maintain a relationship for as long as she did is nothing short of a miracle. That alone is a strong thing for a traumatized woman to do. Now it’s her turn to be taken care of, by someone who actually loves her and won’t punish her for simple mistakes no matter how deadly they turn out to be. The little girl started off in a happy family, then tragedy struck, then she survived abuse, and now she found love again. It’s a psychologically sound story to tell.

 

I wish that all survivors of abuse find their way back to love, in whatever form that may take. It doesn’t have to be through marriage. It could be platonic love. It could be found family rather than blood family. It could be through taking care of a furry friend like a dog or a cat. We do have to break the cycle eventually, but we don’t have to do it alone nor should we. It takes a village to raise a traumatized child. It takes love in all of its forms to get us back on the right path. The daughter could have continued down a violent path. But she didn’t. She broke the cycle. I love stories about breaking the cycle. They’re relatable, they’re hard-hitting, and they remind us over and over again that we’re not alone in this world. Even if you come from a loving family, you can suffer abuse from other people outside of your home. Your parents are not your only influence in life. Whoever influences you the most, for better or worse, may you one day find your redemption and healing. This movie gets an A grade for the acting and story alone. If you want special effects, go to a WWE show, if you can afford it. You might have to dig into your college trust fund to pay for tickets, or sell one of your kidneys. Redemption, on the other hand, is easy to find online if you look hard enough for it. Am I talking about the movie or actual redemption? Yes, I am.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez vs. Alex Stein: Since When Is Sexual Abuse Considered Free Speech?

 

Amy Schneider vs. Charly Arnolt: The Only Advantage Is Greatness

 

Kevin Rudolf vs. Pacman Jones: You Make the Rain Fall

 

Ray Charles vs. CJ Pearson: At Least Ray Didn't Choose to Be Blind

 

Thomas Sowell: He'll Make You Say "Uncle!" One Way or Another

 

Simon & Garfunkel vs. Erika Kirk: It's the Shooter's Fault...for Being Named Robinson

 

Maleka vs. Snoop Dogg: a Foot Fetish Model vs. a Whore

 

Full disclosure: this is my first time drawing a woman's bare feet in this pose. I can say with nothing but confidence that I knocked it out of the park.

Rob Schneider: a Conservative Comedian Who's About as Funny as a Heart Attack