Calcobrena from Final Fantasy IV vs. Garrison's Autism (a Common Opponent These Days)

 

If anybody has a problem with my shirt, I can always take it off...slowly...with "Pump Up the Volume" playing in the background. Get your dollar bills ready and make that shit rain.

Jerry Seinfeld: Living Proof That Not All Dinosaurs Were Wiped Out

 

Dr. Larry Nassar: His Medical License Was Suspended, But His Prison Sentence Was Not

 

Chelsea Green from WWE vs. Your Average Twitter Psycho, Who Is Not a Real Leftist, But a LARPer

 

Bart Simpson vs. Ghislaine Maxwell: If She Looks Like a Monster, It's Because She Is One

 

Hunter Griggs from Suicide Squad X the New York Street Vendor from The Simpsons: Because Dark Humor Never Goes Out of Style

 

Hellyeah vs. the Chehalis Middle School Choir, Which I Was a Member of and I Hated Every Second of It

 

When You Call Your Heavy Metal Band Lamb of God, You Can't Complain About Confusing People

 

Ophelia Cornell: Legendary Serial Killer from "Dungeon of Love"

 

Olimpia DeJesus, World-Class Wrestler and Murder Suspect from "Seven Star Reads"

 

Noella Klarke, Conformist Commander from "The Meat Squadron"

 

Meat Squadron Soldier from "The Meat Squadron" (DUH!)

 

Marigold DiAngelo, Because You Can't Have "Emilio & Marigold" Without Her

 

Marcus Brock, Dirty Detective from "Virtuous"

 

Clue: Because Syntax Matters...A LOT!

Heather Ryan (Jeopardy) X Rey Skywalker (Star Wars): Glasses Are Pretty Fucking Cool, Actually

 

Angel Reese vs. Garrison's Autism: HOME RUN!

 

Wayne LaPierre: One of Stephen Miller's Brainwashers, the Other Being Larry Elder

 

Jeff Bezos: A Wealth Hoarder with MAGA Lipstick Marks on His Butt Cheeks

 

Larry David vs. Waldo: Blending in with the Crowd Isn't the Flex You Think It Is

 

Cynical Reviews: Definitely Not a Furry, But It Won't Stop His Fans from Asking

 

Marcelis Galvani, Religious Scammer from "Jumping for Jesus"

 

The Moody Blues vs. Jorge Masvidal: Enjoy Your Humble Pie, Bootlicker

 

Luke Skywalker vs. Ashley St. Clair: Cringe Culture Must Die

 

Tarja Turunen (ex-Nightwish) vs. Alex Trebek (Jeopardy): No Beef, Just for Shits and Giggles

 

Jada Pinkett-Smith vs. Chris Rock: If They're "Just Jokes", Then You'll Let Jada Clap Back with No Retaliation

 

Hey, Lita Haters! Don't Just Get a Life! Get a Personality!

 

Patti Tolan from Ghostbusters (2016) vs. Clownfish TV: Have the Day You Voted For

 

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

VERSE 1

You always like to brag about being offensive

But when it’s thrown back at you, you go on the defensive

It’s never funny when it happens to you

Just your strawman drag queen gay black jew

You think of drag queens more than they think of themselves

Even though not one of them is hoarding the wealth

Then you go on a rant about men’s mental health

Calm the fuck down, Chad, you did it to yourself

 

CHORUS

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

The kind of disease that puts you in the happy home

From the gates of agony to the puzzle factory

All because a dress-wearer just wanted flattery

 

VERSE 2

When you’re at a drag show, you get an erection

Then all of the queens need some witness protection

When you pull out a gun bigger than your own dick

And hold down the trigger for a symphony of clicks

Now all of the sudden, you’re the next Jesus Christ

And a shoo-in for employment with the incels at ICE

Now I know why you like to wear a ski mask

‘Cause you’re drooling like a dog when you see a queen’s ass

 

CHORUS

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

The kind of disease that puts you in the happy home

From the gates of agony to the puzzle factory

All because a dress-wearer just wanted flattery

 

VERSE 3

Your hard drive is a treasure trove of perversion

The only sexual relief for unlovable virgins

You got pics of Kamala in leather lingerie

But they’re fake as fuck, that’s why AI has an A

Deepfakes on AOC baring her breasts

But yours are much bigger, spinal health is a mess

Pictures of drag queens eating up all your RAM

And a ten-year-old girl posing naked on web cams

 

CHORUS X2

Drag Queen Derangement Syndrome

The kind of disease that puts you in the happy home

From the gates of agony to the puzzle factory

All because a dress-wearer just wanted flattery

 

OUTRO

You honestly think Michelle Obama is a man?

That must be the reason why you’ve got your dick in your hand!

Aladdin Is the Reason 90's Kids Grew Up Kinky

 

James Somerton: His Favorite Football Team Is the Stealers (Not a Typo)

 

The Chemical Brothers vs. Angry Cops: "It Doesn't Matter..."

 

Bray Wyatt (R.I.P.) vs. Shawn Michaels: Schrodinger's Wrestler

 

Jimmy Fallon Has a Very Special Guest Tonight...

 

Brock "The Stanford Rapist" Turner: If He Wants to Swim Again, Make Sure There Are Cottonmouths in the Water with Him

 

Gary "Space" Kadet: Hates Women, Loves the Smell of His Own Farts...and Also Those of His Sock Puppets

 

John Cleese: a Free Speech Warrior Who Can't Talk Because He's Licking J.K. Rowling's Boots

 

Tim Kennedy: His One Star Didn't Come from the Army; It Came from Dave Meltzer

 

Clare Easdown vs. Marcus DiPaola: The World Is Crazy Enough as It Is

 

Sania Mirza: Game, Set, Match

 

Ray Parker, Jr. vs. Louis C.K.: Who You Gonna Call? My Lawyer!

 

Tiffany Smiley: Ironic Last Name For Someone Who Shouldn't Smile in Defeat

 

Shayna Baszler vs. J. Edgar Hoover: Untapped Potential

 

Serial Contrarian

VERSE 1: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Listen up, my opinions are the only ones worth having

I’m taking off the kid gloves, we don’t need the extra padding

Your favorite show sucks, it only made a hundred bucks

Your favorite album’s trash, it’s not worth the change and cash

Your favorite food is ass, it takes a million years to pass

World’s first anal stone, it’ll break your tailbone

You can’t walk away from a friendly debate

Or else you’re the one who’s fascist and full of all the hate

 

CHORUS 1: ME

Serial contrarians are no different from the Aryans

We can’t have nice things, ‘cause we’re ruled by kings

Can’t I have five minutes where you shut the fuck up?

I’d probably get five seconds with my kind of luck

 

VERSE 2: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Audiobooks don’t count, because you can’t see the words

They’re like campfire stories, in case you haven’t heard

I’m not trying to be ableist, that’s why I like AI

‘Cause we all know the dunderheads never score high

 

CHORUS 2: ME

Serial contrarians are filled up with arrogance

Just leave my stuff alone, ‘cause it’s where I call home

Can’t I have a moment so that I can sit and think?

I’m just buying time until you push me to the brink

 

VERSE 3: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Unpack your bags and get out of the Uber

Did you forget that I’m famous and a powerful YouTuber?

If you break up with me, you violate the First Amendment

Court of public opinion, you’re the obvious defendant

I’ll make a thousand hit pieces and rack up ad money

Until you come back, kiss my cheek, call me honey

You’re more likely to come packing a loaded 45

I brushed up on Algospeak, now my ass is unalived

 

CHORUS 3: ME

Serial contrarians are just techno-libertarians

And now they’re all cancelled for being big assholes

They’ll never change their ways, so it’s time to walk away

With my head held high as I flip the bird goodbye

Serial contrarians are ripping out their hair again

They can keep from turning pink if they’d just see a shrink

But therapy is heresy, at least that’s what they’ll say

So they walk among the sheep and let out a loud bray

Lauren Kennedy West: a Schizophrenia Survivor Who Sounds Like Canada's Version of MAHA

 

Mike Johnson: Speaker of the (Nut) House

 

Sam I Am: Would You Eat Green Eggs Off His Nuts? Would You Eat Them Off His Putz?

 

Josh Hokit: the Delightful Douche at UFC White House Who Let Michelle Obama Live Rent Free in His Head

 

Cesar Chavez: Right Message, Wrong Messenger (Rest in Piss, You Pervert)

 

You Can't #SayHerName If Nobody Remembers What the Fuck It Is (Rest in Piss, Cracker)

 

Michael Bolton X My Darkest Days: "Time, Love, and Titty Sex"

 

The Hodge Twits, I Mean, The Hodge Twins: Of Course Their Names Are Keith and Kevin, DUH!