Sam I Am: Would You Eat Green Eggs Off His Nuts? Would You Eat Them Off His Putz?

 

Josh Hokit: the Delightful Douche at UFC White House Who Let Michelle Obama Live Rent Free in His Head

 

Cesar Chavez: Right Message, Wrong Messenger (Rest in Piss, You Pervert)

 

You Can't #SayHerName If Nobody Remembers What the Fuck It Is (Rest in Piss, Cracker)

 

Michael Bolton X My Darkest Days: "Time, Love, and Titty Sex"

 

The Hodge Twits, I Mean, The Hodge Twins: Of Course Their Names Are Keith and Kevin, DUH!

 

Marina Shafir: The Heart and Soles of AEW

 

Lars Sullivan: Another Ex-WWE Loser Trying to Get Back in the Spotlight by Saying Stupid Shit Online

 

Rest in Peace, George Tiller, For the Only Thing You Killed Was Conservatives' Fragile Egos

 

Amanda Nunes vs. Colby Covington: What Are You Waiting For, Dana White? Permission From Your Orange Daddy?

 

Alan Harper vs. Lee Greenwood: One and a Quarter Men

 

David Aceveda from The Shield: Captain of The Barn, Which Is Full of Pigs

 

Byron Hadley from Shawshank Redemption: Captain of the Guards, Master of Phil Labonte's Lower Intestines

 

Braun Strowman: Stop Being a Prick and Get a Prick in Your Arm

 

Soulbunni: Ultimate Infighting Champion

 

Jesse Young: Another Right-Wing Loser from Washington State

 

Rick Kuss: Some Hyperlocal Politics for You Washingtonians Out There

 

How Are Those Egg Prices Working Out for You, MAGA?

 

Dacryphilia

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

 

VERSE 1

The manliest men talking male suicides

Like they themselves got nothing dirty to hide

Vulnerability don’t jive well with the muscles

And the bushiest beards and the work culture hustle

Macho madness is the number one killer

Of lonely men who feel like background filler

All you have to do is reach out for help

Provided you have good insurance for health

 

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

 

VERSE 2

The womanly women have permission to sob

Then get threatened and bullied by the right-wing mob

It was never about having a monopoly on tears

It was about who was better at weaponizing fears

Insecure men pull a gun or a knife

When the balance of power slides over to their wives

Or any woman with a little bit of independence

Male judges make sure the killer gets a light sentence

 

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

 

VERSE 3

Do you envy the enby when they have the narrative?

Is it a blow to your ego? Are you a macho embarrassment?

Didn’t you learn in school that you had to share your toys?

Or did you dodge accountability like “boys will be boys”?

You throw all the punches and you call yourself the victim

When the ladies you decked have concussed double vision

When the other genders are too afraid to talk to the cops

Drag the world down so you can be the one on top

 

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

Lyndin Wheatstone, Innkeeper and Wheatstone Patriarch from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"

 

Luigi DiAngelo, Marigold's Grandfather from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Lorraine Longo, Paiten's Sexual Harasser from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

The Necromancer from Diablo II vs. Diamond from Diamond & Silk: No Rest for the Wicked

 

Llewellyn Xavier, Elven Queen from "Savage Beatings" and "Beautiful Monster"

 

Chef Tova vs. Myron Gaines from Fresh & Fit: Happy Men's Mental Health Awareness Month!

 

Mark Shapiro: No Relation to Ben, But You'd Be Forgiven If You Thought Otherwise

 

The Hot Violinist vs. Kim Davis: The REAL Bowling Green Massacre

 

Yogi Oabs: Be Careful What You Wish For, Because You Just Might Catch It

 

Dinesh D'Souza (Drawing on My Birthday? Hell Yeah I Am!)

 

Jerry Sandusky: When He Needs Every Staff Member Available, He Says, "All Hands on Dick, I Mean, Deck!"

 

Yvette the Maid Is Here to Bring You Sex Positivity

 

Rush Limbaugh: His Mouth Was Good for Two Things and One of Them Was Spreading Conservative BS

 

Mr. Green from Clue vs. Toad from Super Mario Brothers 2: The Key to Victory Is...the Key to Victory!

 

Mike Sempervive from F4WOnline vs. Drake Wuertz from Parts Unknown...and Let's Keep it That Way

 

"Officer" Brandon Tatum (Nice Tattoo, Pretty Boy!)

 

Foreign Man in a Foreign Land: It's Not Leftist Infighting If He Was Never a Leftist

 

Suris vs. Katie Hopkins: Hot Crowd

 

Barack Obama: A MUCH Better President Than Donald Trump Could Dream of Being

 

Kamala Harris vs. Alex Jones: "Sleeping Your Way to the Top" Is Better Than Plummeting Hard to the Bottom

 

Margaret Dabbs: No Beef, Just For Fun

 

Tim Walz: Governator of Minnesota

 

Eric Clapton, Who Doesn't Look "Wonderful Tonight" or Any Other Night For That Matter

 

Price Tag

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 1

Far-right minority, what the fuck gives?

What’s it like to have black skin and white privilege?

Enjoy it while it lasts, it can be taken away

By the same guys who think you’re whole culture is gay

The G-word’s a pejorative in their itty-bitty world

They can’t see a spectrum beyond boy and girl

When you and your family are next on the cross

Try kissing more ass, on the advice of your boss

 

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 2

You work in construction while they’re plotting your destruction

You crack a bigoted joke and expect an induction

Into the Hall of Fame or the Millionaire’s Club

Trying hard to be a dom, but you’re always a sub

Isolate inside a bubble of your own creation

Thinking it’ll shield you from public damnation

Never mind being late to your own Over Party

You’re late to your own trial, too late to say sorry

 

CHORUS

Everything you do has a price tag on it

Unlimited freedom? I don’t care if you want it

You step on my neck, I’ll step on yours

Bootlicking gets you nowhere, you’ll always be poor

 

VERSE 3

So what if you make a million dollars or more?

You’ll waste it on gold chains, diamond rings, and whores

Oops, I meant you when I said the big W

‘Cause it ain’t sex workers who want to cuddle you

Your favorite rich bitch won’t want to do it either

Even if you call your own minority “useless eaters”

You can throw the Sig Heil at any time of the day

Doesn’t change the fact that you’re wasting away

Yeah, I called it a fact, it don’t care about your feelings

Don’t like your own medicine? Don’t rush the healing

Your parasocial followers are in a marriage of convenience

They’ll leave you when they see that you’re a fraud, not a genius

Theory of a Deadman vs. Tessa Blanchard: Repurposing Misogynist Lyrics to Make Them Anti-Racist

 

Scammer Jammer: the Official Guide to Dealing with Telephone Scammers

 

Linda McMahon: the Raw Sewage in the McMahon Family Gene Pool

 

Divinyls X Halestorm: "When I Touch Myself, I Get Off" (Rest in Peace, Chrissy Amphlett)

 

The Who X Green Day: "All by Myself with Pictures of Lily"

 

Mike Cernovich: Blackbelt in Keyboard Karate, Not Even a White Belt in Real Martial Arts

 

Billy Joel vs. Megyn Kelly (no relation, thank god)

 

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket vs. Schizophrenic Voices (Rest in Peace, R. Lee Ermey)

 

Hadag Nahash X Sigmund Freud: Unwanted, But Necessary Relationship Advice