Thursday, September 10, 2026
Keffals: One of My Many YouTube Crushes
Sunday, August 23, 2026
Bluesky: It's Still a Social Media Site and Dogpiling Over Little Shit Is Still a Problem
Friday, August 21, 2026
Zoe Bee: School Is Over, But Learning Never Ends
Thursday, August 6, 2026
Zohran Mamdani for President! It's the 2020's! Anything Can Happen!
Wednesday, August 5, 2026
Xanderhal: the Most Mentally Stable BreadTuber of All Time
Thursday, July 30, 2026
Tabitha Speaks Politics vs. Iggy Pop: "Lust for Life" Could Have Been the Title of an Anti-Abortion Song
Monday, July 6, 2026
When You Call Your Heavy Metal Band Lamb of God, You Can't Complain About Confusing People
Thursday, July 2, 2026
Larry David vs. Waldo: Blending in with the Crowd Isn't the Flex You Think It Is
Thursday, June 18, 2026
Cesar Chavez: Right Message, Wrong Messenger (Rest in Piss, You Pervert)
Saturday, May 30, 2026
Wednesday, May 20, 2026
Hadag Nahash X Sigmund Freud: Unwanted, But Necessary Relationship Advice
Tuesday, May 19, 2026
Felipe Rose from The Village People vs. The Grim Reaper, Who Didn't Need to Take Away Adam Yauch from The Beastie Boys, But Did It Anyways
Saturday, May 16, 2026
Zena & Poppy: Where'd You Go? I Miss You So, Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone...
Sunday, April 19, 2026
Meryl Streep vs. Chael Sonnen: What Is Art?
Saturday, April 18, 2026
Sarah McBride vs. Nancy Mace: Another Transphobe for the Barbecue Pit
Wednesday, April 1, 2026
David Hogg vs. Michelle Malkin: What Is a School Shooting?
Monday, April 28, 2025
Selling Your Soul
VERSE 1
You sold your soul for some paper and metal
Digital transactions from lawsuits you settled
All you have left is a mediocre shell
And a special seat for you waiting in hell
Your spirit was once so colorful and bright
Before you fell off hard after turning right
Your road to heaven was paved with blood
Your so-called “truth bombs” were only duds
VERSE 2
When I give my soul to the left
I get a return on what I invest
The stories of underdogs just like myself
Told in the form of books on my shelf
Songs, art, movies, and more
Keep me from becoming a bootlicking whore
I grew and matured, I learned from the best
Who cares about results on a standardized test?
VERSE 3
Crushing dreams is what keeps you alive
Heaven forbid that creativity thrives
They should sell their souls for a pizza party
In a corporate office packed like sardines
Into cubicles more like trash compactors
That’s how you see them, they suppress detractors
Power corrupts, it’s an insatiable hunger
Feed the addiction while the artists suffer
VERSE 4
Why hire meat sacks when robots are cheaper?
Why use your brain when your pockets are deeper?
Why relate to another human being?
When outer beauty is all that you’re seeing?
Beauty fades and so does common sense
Those who enable you are not your friends
They carry knives in search of a back
Slip up just a little and they’re on the attack
They run away with your big money sack
Another soulless wonder, you’re left with jack
“Capitalism breeds innovation” they say
Yet it’s the same old shit every damn day
Thursday, April 3, 2025
Cold Product
You’re selling the
people an ice-cold product
Expensive as hell,
yet everybody’s got it
You sold them a
future lived on borrowed time
How the hell is
your scam not considered a crime?
VERSE 1
Buy a bullet to the head, get two for free
Buy a one-way ticket to a prison colony
Buy insurance for a life that’ll flatline quick
In return we’ll make a hate-boner out of your dick
Kill your enemies for you, the ones you never met
We’re running a dead-pool, come place your bets
The winner gets a jackpot and becomes a billionaire
Yeah right, my guy, what are you smoking there?
CHORUS
You’re selling the people an ice-cold product
Expensive as hell, yet everybody’s got it
You sold them a future lived on borrowed time
How the hell is your scam not considered a crime?
VERSE 2
Come one and all, line up at the altar
Drink the blood of Christ while the preacher man hollers
Come back to my office, we’ll watch some Lady Ballers
Daddy has needs, one of them is booty-callers
Age is just a number, so is my bank account
How much to shut you up? Throw out any amount
Agree without question and I’ll get your ass to heaven
Call Jesus a liar and you’ll burn in the fire
CHORUS
You’re selling the people an ice-cold product
Expensive as hell, yet everybody’s got it
You sold them a future lived on borrowed time
How the hell is your scam not considered a crime?
VERSE 3
No refunds for the circus of fools
No comeuppance for the wealthiest ghouls
I guess you really do get what you pay for
Because boot polish is an after-dinner flavor
You sold your soul for a seat at the table
It’s a baby’s highchair, pop a squat if you’re able
Infantilized, victimized, no fucking surprise
Even for the perfect people with blond hair, blue eyes
OUTRO
How did you see it going any other way?
I thought the world’s end was heavily delayed
You sped things up because two dudes got laid
Was it worth the tariffs you swore you’d never pay?
Wednesday, October 23, 2024
Know Your Audience
I write because I look forward to a better day
You write laws where the teachers can’t say gay
You write for wifebeaters who have exes to pay
Conspiracy theorists who are scared of space rays
Femcels who still love Harry Potter
Twitter capitalists who disown their trans daughters
Russian spies who put ricin in your water
Big city cops arrested for manslaughter
Neckbeards who think wrestling is real
IDF soldiers who’ve got tender little feels
Girlbosses in five-thousand-dollar heels
Big mother truckers with five-thousand fucking wheels
Divorced dads who still listen to Disturbed
Libertarians who swear they’re not addicted to herbs
Movie stars who’ve been outed as pervs
Israeli politicians with some sensitive nerves
You and I, we’re not the same thing
Fight for different causes, fight for different wings
You can shoot your Bud Light with an AK-47
But when all is said and done, you’ll never go to heaven
Spend your whole life cowering from the devil
Only to realize you’re on a mediocre level
Drop the bravado, ‘cause it doesn’t mean shit
We’re already in hell, climate change burned all of it
Wednesday, February 16, 2022
Windham Xavier
=========================================
THE BASICS
=========================================
Name: Windham Alfred Xavier
Nicknames: Windy, X-Man, WAX
Gender: Cisgender Male
Age: 30
Birth Date: 470 PM
Birth Place: Xavier Village
Currently Living In: Xavier Village
Species: Elf
Ethnicity / Race: Elf
Citizenship: Honey Valley
Religion / Beliefs: Magetan Leftist
=========================================
FAMILY
=========================================
Father: Edward Xavier
Age: Dead
Relationship: Strained
Mother: Yvonne Xavier
Age: Dead
Relationship: Healthy
Sister: Llewellyn Xavier
Age: 35
Relationship: Caring
Pet(s): Zeal (nightjar)
=========================================
PHYSICAL FEATURES:
=========================================
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 185 lbs.
Frame / Build: Lanky
Hair length: Long
Hair color: Blond
Eye shape: Normal
Eye color: Purple
Complexion: Light Green
Face size (broad, narrow, etc.): Narrow
Voice type: Gentle
Foot size: 12
Tattoo(s): None
Scar(s): Lashes on his back
Other notable accessories: None
Any other identifying mark(s): Pointy ears
=========================================
SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL
=========================================
Political Affiliation: Left-wing
Economic Class: Moneyless society
Social Class: Royalty
Occupation: Prince, Warrior, Artist
Income: Moneyless society
Residence: Xavier Village
Transportation: Feet
=========================================
INTERESTS
=========================================
Favorite Food(s): Vegetarian Burrito
Favorite Sport(s): Jogging
Favorite Book(s): Magetan bible
Favorite Show(s): TV doesn’t exist yet
Favorite Music: Gentle harps and violins
Favorite Color(s): Blue
Clothing Style / Preferences: Religious robes, gray body suits
Hobbies: Writing, reading, painting, and sculpting
Role Model(s): His sister, Mageta, his mother
Likes: Peace and quiet
Dislikes: Being overworked
=========================================
PERSONALITY
=========================================
Good Qualities / Trait(s): Kindness towards animals, loyal friend, cares about the downtrodden
Vices / Negative Trait(s): Distrust of strangers (after the rape), traumatic mind, burned out
Strengths: Fighting abilities with a whip, pick-pocketing, endurance
Weaknesses: Doesn’t handle trauma well, anger management issues, daddy issues
Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Twirls hair and cracks joints
Phobia / Fears: His own mind, losing his individuality
Loves: Animals, creativity, friendship
Hates: Betrayal, racism, being overpowered
Select one personality type below that best describes your character:
Artist (ISFP) – Creative, quiet, serious, loyal and sensitive. Do not like conflict. Takes great value in personal freedom. Private and prone to confusion. Gifted at creating and composing. Good appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Very original and creative especially in the arts. Can be trendsetters and into latest styles and art / fashion / etc.
Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:
a. Physically (outward interaction with his environment, personal strengths): Imposing warrior
b. Psychologically (intellect, mental stability, morality): Intelligent, easily angered, good intentions, easily traumatized
c. Spiritually (his faith, convictions): Zealot of the lion god Mageta
d. Emotionally (willpower, under stressful situations, expressiveness): Can’t handle excessive trauma, gets distracted by things that anger him, only cries when he knows he’s alone)
e. Socially (how others view him, how he interacts with people): He is hated by Shadow Asylum (despite being employed there), he is “loved” by the Atwood Queendom, and he’s genuinely loved by the Xavier Village.
Others things to know:
=========================================
HISTORY
=========================================
1. Describe the character’s childhood. During his single digit ages, Windham was shielded from the harshness of the human world by his overprotective mother and sister. By age 10, his father expected him to take the role of leader and pushed him too hard into that lifestyle. The brutal combat training, the long classes at the STEM school, and the lack of time to unwind and create art has left Windham with a disdain for his father. In the end, he just wants to get away from it all and he believes following the events of the story will bring him closer to his goal.
2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Windham enjoyed whale watching as a kid and incorporated his love for animals in his art
3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Not only did he receive tough treatment from his own father, but also the art galleries and teachers that constantly talked down to him. This made him hate his job even more.
4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point?
He’s on a mission for Shadow Asylum to draw blueprints for Shelly Atwood’s castle. In reality, he wants to know what happened to the missing grangers in his village. He hates his job, but he feels compelled to do it because of his father’s toughness and the seriousness of his side quest.
4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story?
After the trauma of his rape, he just wants peace and quiet, to get as far away from Shelly, Orpheus, and his own throne as possible. He’s too burned out to carry on.
=========================================
STORY DEVELOPMENT:
=========================================
CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)
[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)
[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)
[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)
[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)
[] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)
[] Anti-Hero
[X] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)
[] Athlete (Olympian)
[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)
[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)
[] Bully (Coward)
[] Catalyst
[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)
[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)
[X] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)
[X] Damsel (Princess)
[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)
[] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)
[] Dilettante (Amateur)
[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)
[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)
[] Exorcist (Shaman)
[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)
[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)
[] Gambler
[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)
[] Gossip (see also Networker)
[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)
[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)
[] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)
[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)
[X] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)
[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)
[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)
[] Knight in Shining Armor
[] Liberator
[] Lover
[] Martyr
[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)
[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)
[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)
[] Midas/Miser
[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)
[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)
[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)
[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)
[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)
[X] Poet
[X] Politician (see also King)
[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)
[X] Prince
[] Prostitute
[] Queen (Empress)
[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)
[] Rescuer
[] Saboteur
[] Samaritan
[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)
[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)
[] Servant (Indentured Servant)
[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)
[] Slave
[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)
[X] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)
[X] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)
[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)
[X] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)
[] Threshold Guardian
[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)
[] Turncoat
[] Vampire
[X] Victim
[] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)
[X] Virgin (see also Celibate)
[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)
[X] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)
[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)
1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? To complete his long list of duties so that he can finally have time for himself.
2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To create art without judgment, to psychologically heal, to find peace and quiet, and to take care of animals
3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome?
Take down the Atwood Queendom and Shadow Asylum
3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult?
He’s only one person and they’re entire corporations. Plus, he’s afraid of Shelly.
4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome?
Shutting up the voices in his head and “falling out of love” with Shelly
4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult?
Being raped and brainwashed to the point where that’s all he can think about
=========================================
AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY
=========================================
Character theme song: “Heavy” by Linkin Park
Celebrity / IRL lookalike: Christopher Masterson, but with long hair















