A Chosen Destiny by Drew McIntyre

BOOK TITLE: A Chosen Destiny

AUTHOR: Drew McIntyre (ghostwritten by Sarah Edworthy)

YEAR: 2021

GENRE: Nonfiction

SUBGENRE: Wrestling Memoir

GRADE: B

If you’ve watched WWE from the late 2000’s to the 2020’s, you’ve seen the Scottish Psychopath Drew McIntyre on your screen, whether he was an arrogant heel, a brawling monster, or the WWE Champion during the pandemic era. If you want to hear his turbulent story about how he got to that pinnacle and all the obstacles between him and glory, you’ve cracked open the right book. I need to warn you, though, that this book reads like a lot of pro-wrestlers’ memoirs: a childhood dream turned reality with an overabundance of show-don’t-tell violations. Emotional moments that deserved time to breathe barely get a few sentences to describe how Drew was feeling in that moment, which is a shame considering some of the trauma he went through. “I was angry.” “I was sad.” “I wanted to wreck everything.” Not all of the writing is like this, but most of it is. That’s to be expected from celebrity memoirs. If that kind of milk-toast style bothers you or you’re not already part of the wrestling bubble, you may want to keep this book shelved. Otherwise, enjoy the ride!

If you can excuse the bland writing style, then you might be moved by some of these legitimately heartbreaking stories he tells. Winning the WWE Championship in an empty warehouse with no fans to cheer him on is the ultimate bittersweet moment in his career. It’s not nearly as soul-crushing as losing his physically disabled, yet highly optimistic mother to cancer in the middle of his WWE career. Or how about the time when he kept showing up to work plastered because alcohol was the only thing that brought him peace? What about the time when he was fired from WWE along with nine other wrestlers like he was an expendable foot soldier? These are all moments that would destroy any reader if they were explored in depth and with a more descriptive ghostwriter. They still tug at the heartstrings. They still hit me where it hurts. But like I said in the first paragraph, these legitimately painful moments needed time to breathe and develop. Just like Drew was robbed of his Wrestlemania crowd pop, we were robbed of a face full of tears. How’s that for irony?

I wrestled with myself (no pun intended) when trying to decide between a B or a C grade for this memoir. Ultimately, I settled on a B, because Drew McIntyre has an interesting enough life to justify penning a memoir. The way he talks about his obsession with wrestling as a kid and how he brought that fandom into his everyday life? That’s the stuff dreams are made of. Completely transforming his diet and lifestyle after getting fired by WWE? That and touring relentlessly on the indie circuit was exactly what he needed to get back into the company. Getting cheered on by his family in Scotland and his wife in America? That’s what kept him going every night. And then he eventually won the WWE Championship, but that, according to him, was only the beginning of much bigger plans. His newfound work ethic was an admirable thing to see in his process of maturity. But again, it would have meant more with better writing.

A Chosen Destiny is an interesting read, but only if you already follow wrestling. Maybe that was the whole point behind the marketing techniques. Maybe it doesn’t have to be massively appealing to be successful. Should I be more forgiving of books that have a super-niche audience? I’d like to think that’s a good idea. Maybe that’s why I’m being generous with my B grade instead of dropping it to a C. It is a good book for what it is, but I would only recommend it to other wrestling fans. In that respect, the memoir did its job. Drew McIntyre, on the other hand, will hopefully never have to do a long string of jobs ever again. Wrestling fans know what that means.

"Divine Intervention" by Edward Davies

BOOK TITLE: Divine Intervention
AUTHOR: Edward Davies
YEAR: 2011
GENRE: Fiction
SUBGENRE: Supernatural Comedy
GRADE: Mixed


Jimmy Stewart Moon is a lovable loser with a low-paying job, a place to live at his parents’ house, and too much free time on his hands. When eating potato chips and picking his nose isn’t enough to entertain him, Jimmy takes out his binoculars and spies on his sexy neighbor Vanessa, who’s doing exercises in her underwear. Vanessa catches Jimmy in the act and the perverted voyeur falls out of the window and hits the ground hard. Upon waking up, he meets two angels named Pixie and Frank whose only way of getting back into heaven is to help Jimmy secure a romantic relationship with Vanessa, which is a hard sell considering he just got caught spying on her.

In many ways, this self-published effort reminds me of a book by WWE superstar Dolph Ziggler’s brother Ryan Nemeth called “I Can Make Out with Any Girl Here”. The protagonists in both stories are trying to get laid and they do some silly things along the path of their goals. The funniest part of this story in my opinion is when Jimmy dresses up like an 80’s punk to try and impress Vanessa, but instead looks like a homeless drug addict. Not off to a good start, Mr. Moon! It gets sillier from there. With the English backdrop, this book also reminds me of Monty Python, Danger Mouse, and John Oliver’s show rolled up into one chaotic comedy while dropping a bucket full of LSD. This story is quite possibly the weirdest thing I’ve ever read, but I mean that in the most loving way.

Despite the weirdness of it all, the further you get into this book, the more it begins to read like a legitimate plot instead of just a hodgepodge of comedic antics. We have an imperfect protagonist in Jimmy Stewart Moon. We have a low point near the end. We have a believable climax. And most importantly, we have an ending that nobody would have seen coming for miles, yet that too is believable. I will say though that it takes a great deal of patience to get through the first few pages. Upon first glance, I thought it was going to be TOO weird for my tastes, but my patience paid off and I read an entertaining story.

But just like with any mixed review, there are some complaints that need to be addressed. Although they are few and far between, this book does have its fair share of grammatical errors, misspellings, and other mistakes that no beta reader would ever let slide. But I personally will let this slide because the mistakes don’t corrupt the entire story. It was still enjoyable, but having a beta reader sweep through the errors would be a good call on Mr. Davies’ part.

The only other complaint I need to address is the liberal use of pop culture references. Normally when using these references, there should also be a description of what that reference looks like. For example, if someone looks like Jessica Rabbit, I expect that author to describe her as having long red hair, a seductive face, and a red cocktail dress. While some people have an idea of what the celebrity, TV show, or movie is like already, not everybody fits that bill. It would be like talking to a wrestling fan born in the 2000’s and watching him scratch his head at the mention of Mr. Perfect. It doesn’t even have to be a generational barrier; it could just be someone who has never seen the medium before.

I’m giving this story a mixed grade and not a failing one, because the positives heavily outweigh the negatives. It’s a short book and it reads quickly, so if you don’t have the patience to blow through such a story, I don’t know what to tell you. I blew through it and I enjoyed it every step of the way. Not bad for an author who wrote this story at a young age!

Danger Mouse

TV SHOW TITLE: Danger Mouse
CREATORS: Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall
YEARS ACTIVE: 1981-1992
GENRE: Children’s Spy Comedy
RATING: TV-Y
GRADE: Pass


In merry old London, England, the world’s greatest secret agent Danger Mouse and his trusty, yet clumsy hamster sidekick Penfold constantly save humanity from the hostile takeovers of the evil toad Baron Greenback and his sinister crow henchman Stiletto. Mr. Greenback has tried everything from weaponizing laundry machines to stealing the world’s landmarks in an attempt to drop them all on the unsuspecting heroes. With impeccable martial arts skills, a crafty personality, and the occasional help of his dimwitted hamster friend, Danger Mouse can overcome any obstacle Greenback throws his way.

Watching this TV show as a kid and again as a freshman college student was an entertaining experience that made me feel giddy and warm inside. Part of the reason is because of the show’s sarcastic tongue-in-cheek dialogue, which is appealing to both children and adults. One example is when Danger Mouse and Penfold are riding around in the former’s flying car and DM says, “The engine’s knocking!” Penfold, being the lovable moron that he is says, “Does it want to come in?”, to which DM politely says, “Shush!” Even little catchphrases like Danger Mouse’s “Shush!” and Penfold’s “Crumbs!” and “Oh, heck!” can make the viewers feel like playtime will never end. Then again, with Penfold being as cute and cuddly as he is with his mole-like features, tiny blue suit, and thick-rimmed glasses, childhood innocence is beginning all over again! Aww!

If you still need a reason to be excited about an episode of Danger Mouse, look no further than the open and closing theme music. With fast-paced and dramatic music accompanying the lyrics, the wife of David Jason (the voice of Danger Mouse) proudly sings, “He’s the greatest! He’s fantastic! Wherever there is danger, he’ll be there! Danger Mouse! Powerhouse! He’s the strongest, he’s the quickest, he’s the best!” David Jason’s wife (whose Gaelic name I can’t spell or pronounce to save my life) no doubt has a lovely voice that’s full of emotion, which is what contributes to the drama of the theme music. As a kid, the music did startle me a little bit, especially during the end credits when a round bomb was being exploded. As an adult, I embrace every note and lyric.

While it is true that the original version of Danger Mouse was ended in 1992 (when I was only seven years old), the legacy it left behind is alive and well. There are full episodes of Danger Mouse on You Tube as well as Hulu or any other digital channel you might have on your TV or computer. If you’ve seen all of the old episodes and want something new, know that sometime in 2015, the show will be revived under a new format and Stephen Fry will be one of the voice actors. Stephen Fry, man! Stephen Fry! If you’re worried about the revived version being able to live up to the potential that the old version had, don’t sweat it. It will still have the same British gentlemanly spirit, the giggly dialogue, and the mass age appeal. Or to put it in a way that makes use of my rhyming skills, Generation Z is the place to be! You’re darn right this is getting a passing grade!

　

***TELEVISION DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

DANGER MOUSE: Come, Penfold! Help me find the manual so that I can stop this train!
PENFOLD: But I don’t speak Spanish!
DANGER MOUSE: Not Manuel, Penfold…ugh, never mind!

-Danger Mouse’s Orient Express Episode-

"Stay Positive" by The Streets

If you’ve been reading this blog for the past few years now, I not only applaud you, but I also want you to notice “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne is a part of my book collection. It has helped me in so many ways, but if I can be honest for a moment, staying positive is hard work. It may seem like easy pickings thinking positive thoughts all the time, but mental illness and general depression can really put a strain on such things.

For these moments, I have “Stay Positive” by The Streets, a British rap song with an uplifting message, but moody lyrics and background music. Somehow, it’s hard to do what the song’s title says when Mike Skinner is saying things like “You were born alone and believe me, you’ll die alone.” And yet, I need this song for all the times I feel down.

This song was published in 2002, but it would be a year later when my brother James introduced me to The Streets. It was around 2003 and 2004 that I started writing Pumping Filter, a movie script about high school woes and a big middle finger to those who abandoned me during that time. That’s what it was supposed to be. Instead, it was Pulp Fiction on steroids, so much so the script was unreadable.

The ending to this story isn’t any happier. Four high school students meet their fates in the most ugly ways possible. Tommy Dragon falls out of a window, Daniel McBride gets killed by a gangster, Dave Ridley goes to prison after committing murder, and Dexter Lee commits suicide by hanging due to complications from mental illness. Is it any coincidence that “Stay Positive” would have been the end credits theme to this movie if it made it to the big screen? It worked for Kidulthood, why not Pumping Filter?

And then we fast forward to the year 2010, particularly in November when I’m writing a cyberpunk novella called Dark City Tales. As the first word in that title suggests, nothing happy ever goes on in this story. Then again, it’s a cyberpunk world, where corporations own everything, governments are powerless to stop them, everybody has explosive guns, the police are corrupt, and the sky is as gray as static on a TV screen…just like in the real world!

With all of this nasty shit going on in urban America, the apocalypse shouldn’t be too far behind. In Dark City Tales, it wasn’t. Two cyborg mercenaries named AJ Rollins and Andre Devilheart destroyed the entire city just by fighting each other with highly explosive weapons. Even after the city was leveled and AJ and Andre was mangled beyond repair, they still wanted more! Do you think this is a good time for “Stay Positive”? Honey, it’s going to take some serious rainbow and unicorn shit to get this world back in order.

Pumping Filter and Dark City Tales have so much in common. They’re both about dystopian hellholes, they’re extremely violent, and most of all, they were so badly written they had to be scrapped. I consider those two pieces of writing to be just another way of sharpening my literary blade.

I see a lot of that in my past pieces of writing: they’re not future Pulitzer-winners, but they are opportunities to improve my writing. I’d like to think I’ve improved dramatically since 2002, so much so that I wouldn’t mind using some of my old characters again. If you thought the old characters were unhappy with being pummeled before, wait until they get put through the ringer again with new and improved stories. And yes, there will be plenty of opportunities to use “Stay Positive” as background music. Go see your mates. When they don’t look happy, play ‘em this tape.

　

***SOUND FILE OF THE DAY***

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you’re obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you’re codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3-4-5-6.

If you’re paranoid, we know what you are and what you want, stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If you’re delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you’re schizophrenic, listen carefully, a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you’re depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer you.

If you’re dyslexic, press 6-9-6-9-6-9-6-9-6-9.

If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, hang up, all of our operators are too busy to talk to you.