***FAN FICTION GROUP THERAPY***
I know this blog entry will sound ironic considering my last one was about how I don’t want to take time to decompress after a negative event. But just because I don’t want to, doesn’t mean others can’t benefit from it. I don’t project my insecurities on other people. I will say, however, that I’ve never been part of a group therapy session before, but I imagine it’s a lot like an AA meeting or a prayer clique. Since this is my group therapy session we’re talking about, there will obviously be some differences. For refreshments, there won’t be juice and cookies. Juice and cookies? What is this, kindergarten? How about some of the good stuff for a change? Hot wings! Pizza! Cheeseburgers! No, they’re not healthy for you, but then again, neither is a sugar-frosted cookie with a billion calories in one serving. The juice also probably contains high fructose corn syrup, which is worse than sugar in many ways.
Why am I writing a blog about group therapy? Because in all my time of taking in fictional stories, I’ve seen a lot of characters who clearly need it. They’re fucked up, they’re tearful, and for some of them it may be too late, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try. So here it is, ladies and gentlemen: my fan fiction group therapy roster. We’ll all get together and talk about our feelings while dining on something other than sugar and corn syrup.
***MILLENIUM: LANDON BRYCE***
I’ve beaten this topic to death in a previous blog entry where I incorporate Otherwise’s music into the canon. But that doesn’t make Landon Bryce’s induction into this group any less important. Look at him, he’s a wreck! He was held hostage by a lovey-dovey demon named Lucy Butler and brainwashed into believing that he was mediocre instead of brilliant. He could have gone places. He could have skyrocketed past the glass ceiling. Unfortunately, we never got to see future episodes of Millennium where Landon gets to rise above his kidnapping scenario. More than likely, if he believes the bullshit he was fed while he was being cuddled and kissed by Lucy Butler, then he’ll have a hard time holding down a job because he doesn’t believe in himself. He’ll also want to remain single because every woman he goes out with looks like Lucy in the end. Eat the cheeseburger, Landon. Eat it! It’s soul food!
***FINAL FANTASY VIII: SQUALL LEONHART***
If you’ve played this videogame before, you might admire Squall’s ability to give absolutely zero fucks about the people around him. No emotional attachments, no love interests, no friendships, just Squall Leonhart and a Linkin Park CD, though Linkin Park’s first album wouldn’t come out until a few years after Final Fantasy VIII. But really, can you blame Squall? He grew up in an orphanage and was left behind by the one person he thought he could trust: his older sister. He doesn’t want to get his heart broken again, so he tells the world to fuck off. Is anybody really that independent? Human beings are social animals by nature, so all of this wall-building has to make Squall lonely and depressed deep inside. He can fantasize about isolation all he wants, but even he wouldn’t be able to survive such an environment. Have a slice of pizza, Squall, and think about your future.
***FINAL FANTASY VII: CLOUD STRIFE***
He couldn’t save Aerith, he couldn’t save himself, and he still has no fucking clue what “Dilly Dally Shilly Shally” means. Not even the love of Tifa Lockhart can snap him out of his depressive funk. In fact, the two might be having marital issues that they can’t work out on their own, so perhaps group therapy will be Cloud’s saving grace. He’s got a lot to talk about whether it’s his past battles, his love triangle, or being washed up in a river full of toxic waste. And when he holds a chicken wing in his hand and tries to take a bite, the other group members will notice how aggressively his hand is shaking. It could be PTSD. It could be depression. Or it could be a case of not having anymore fucks to give.
***PINK FLOYD THE WALL: PINK FLOYD***
I’m talking strictly about the adult character in the movie, not the actual band members, although Roger Waters in particular could use some group therapy. But it’s true, the adult version of Pink just needs someone to talk to about his lost father or his abusive teacher or his cheating wife or his smothering mother. But instead, he builds a wall around himself and lets nobody in, not unlike Squall Leonhart. Within the confines of this wall, he goes bat shit insane and smashes his hotel room to pieces. How do you convince a guy with this much insanity to join a group therapy session? It’s not easy, but I hear the Sparkling Ices taste quite lovely, especially the out-of-stock green apple flavor.
***STREET FIGHTER ALPHA 3: CODY TRAVERS***
Everything seemed to be going Cody’s way, especially in his original videogame Final Fight where he rescued his girlfriend Jessica and freed
from the Mad Gear gang’s clutches.
But then Cody was locked up in prison and transformed into a monster of a human
being by the harsh system. He escaped twice as muscled and half as emotional. He
doesn’t want his old girlfriend back. He doesn’t even want to rekindle his
friendships with Guy and Haggar. All he wants in this world is the thrill of
combat and then he’ll kindly step back behind the jail bars. If he does join
group therapy, it’ll most likely be the judge’s order, though it’s hard to say
no when a plate of steamed spinach is waiting for you. Metro City
I’ve also talked about George in another blog entry, but to bring you up to speed, he starts out in the movie thinking love is obsolete since it’s just chemicals in the brain fucking with you. He worked in a library and a female customer flirted with him only to be turned down for that specific reason. And then George meets his philosophical equal in Sophie and the anti-love myth is dispelled forever…at least until Sophie is revealed to already have a boyfriend by the movie’s end. Poor George. Poor, poor George. Have a seat next to Cody and enjoy a chicken wing. The chicken wing doesn’t mind that your heart is shattered into a million pieces. In fact, the worse condition your heart is in, the better it is for the chicken companies!
***THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER: CHARLIE***
All this high schooler wanted was a circle of friends he could share is life with. He gets everything he wants and more when he meets step-siblings Patrick and Sam. Charlie falls head-over-heels for the lovely lady Sam, but is careful to keep his distance because he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship. He almost gets kicked out of the group permanently and that alone would have warranted group therapy. But then he regains the keys to the kingdom and is dragged out of the shadows by Sam. The two begin to have sex, but then Charlie has repressed flashbacks of being molested by his aunt and is rushed to a hospital. By the time he recovers, Sam and Patrick are off to college and Charlie still has more high school to complete. He’s both “happy and sad at the same time”. Pull up a chair, Charlie. It’s going to be along road.
There will be tears. There will be shakes. There will be pain. But most importantly, there will be recovery. That’s what I want for all of these fictional characters. But I refuse to end our sessions with the famous speech about “the wisdom to know the difference”. They already know what they can and can’t change and what they can and can’t accept. If they want a bright future, they have to fight for it. If you fight for your dreams, your dreams will fight for you, as said by Daniel Bryan on an episode of Smackdown when he was medically cleared for in-ring competition again. Part of this fight for the future includes unleashing a shit ton of pent-up rage. So after every meeting, we’ll stand up and let the growling sounds of Max Cavalera’s voice wash over us as he sings “Blood Fire War Hate” by Soulfly. Say it with me! “Blood! Fire! War! Hate! Blood! Fire! War! Hate!” Feels good, doesn’t it? Hell, some of these characters might end up joining a metal band, so they might as well get used to saying it. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Someday, somehow, I’m gonna make it alright, but not right now. I know you’re wondering when. You’re the only one who knows that.”
-Nickelback singing “Someday”-