The Pink Ranger Is Not Your Girlfriend; She's Your Unhealthy Coping Mechanism

 

Pimping Your Peace of Mind

VERSE 1

A diamond ring for a kick in your teeth

Blood stains on the Christmas wreath

A flat TV for a punch in the gut

“Sorry so sorry, let’s order Pizza Hut!”

Fancy clothes for a gun to your head

The war is over, let’s make love in the bed

You’ll lay in a coffin if the price is right

At least you got to be with the love of your life

 

CHORUS

Pimping your peace of mind

Being rich is better than being kind

Selling your soul for a pile of gold

Now she owns your ass until the day you’re too old

 

VERSE 2

Drop her like the bad habit she is

You can’t always bat a thousand, sometimes you miss

Undefeated streaks in romance are impossible to have

Only so many times you cut your wealth in half

 

CHORUS

Pimping your peace of mind

Being rich is better than being kind

Selling your soul for a pile of gold

Now she owns your ass until the day you’re too old

 

VERSE 3

Loneliness and isolation are a gift

When your lady couldn’t bother to give you a lift

In your spirits, you can hear it when she raises her voice

About this and that and nothing, it’s the topic of her choice

Being the bigger man is hard when you feel small

You’re a circus dwarf and she’s a million feet tall

Why would you play ball with the sorest loser

Break it off now before you cope and be a boozer

 

CHORUS

Pimping your peace of mind

Being rich is better than being kind

Selling your soul for a pile of gold

Now she owns your ass until the day you’re too old

 

OUTRO

It’s a warning, not a playbook, not a game of football

Get CTE without your head bouncing off the walls

You can’t finish your sentence unless you finish your flashback

Why’re you getting mad at me? She’s the one who needs backlash

Dolly Parton (Rest in Peace) vs. Bridget Ziegler: Moms For Liberty Is an Oxymoronic Name Considering What They Do

 

Bayley Loves You, Which Is Why She's Serving Up Brutal Honesty in This Cartoon

 

Amy Lee: Fairweather Fans Come and Go, But True Love Is Forever, Which Was Why She Married Josh Hartzler

 

I Don't "Shoot My Shot" Because I Don't Want to Give Women the Ick

 

Cammy White: Make Love, Not War

 

Hot take: it's okay to sexualize fictional characters, because they won't get traumatized and go to therapy. Real people, on the other hand, are off limits.

Michael Bolton X My Darkest Days: "Time, Love, and Titty Sex"

 

Luigi DiAngelo, Marigold's Grandfather from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Yvette the Maid Is Here to Bring You Sex Positivity

 

Billy Idol vs. the Drama Queen: And the Daytime Emmy For Best Actress Goes to...

 

Zena & Poppy: Where'd You Go? I Miss You So, Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone...

 

Jane's Addiction X Jane Goodall: She's Addicted to Kindness

 

Code Miko vs. Milton from Wayne's World 2 (Rest in Peace, Chris Farley)

 

Megan Storm, Lovesick Waitress from "Beauty and the Barbarian"

 

Unwanted Relationship Advice, Pt. 1 (Happy Valentine's Day!)

 

Ms. Rachel, Sweetheart of the Year

 

Sweet Anita X Hole: Gold Dust Woman

 

The lyrics are from the Fleetwood Mac song "Gold Dust Woman", which was covered by Hole for the soundtrack to The Crow: City of Angels.

Leila Lewis vs. Jillian Michaels (I'll probably get flagged for this)

 

Slipknot X The Streets: Dry Your Duality

 

The Slipknot song is "Duality" and the song from The Streets is "Dry Your Eyes". Ha...ha...ha...