Adrianne Palicki from With/In vs. Michael Falk from The Onion: Just Another Day on the Job

 

This Has Been a Gracie Films Presentation

 

Chef Nash, Giant Antagonist from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Warner Brothers: 100 Years of Celebrating Every Story, Even the Ones They Tell Themselves to Assuage Their Insecurities

 

Code Miko vs. Milton from Wayne's World 2 (Rest in Peace, Chris Farley)

 

I Dare You to Move!

 

The black text is from the Switchfoot song "Dare You to Move". It's supposed to be inspirational, now it looks creepy as fuck considering who's in the picture and what he's holding. Haha!

C.C.H. Ground n' Pounder, Queen of Barbarians

 

Marcellis Wallace vs. Zed (Rest in Peace, Peter Greene)

 

Alizee Yeezy vs. Piers Morgan

 

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback

 

Pulling on the Masks

INTRO DIALOGUE

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro

Can you hear me, Juan?

Okay, these people think they’re the Master Race?

 

VERSE 1

Pulling on the masks, not wiping their asses

Wiping is gay, they’re supposed to be fascists

Run into a school zone, terrorize the masses

Pinhead, pinhead, racial slur passes

Pinhead, pinhead, racial slur passes

Appropriating cultures like a motherfucking vulture

Pinhead, pinhead, getting really pissed

Pinhead, pinhead, MAGA terrorists

 

VERSE 2

Logging onto Tinder to get themselves some

Chickies in the streets, grab their fucking bums

When they want her number, she will give them none

Pinhead, pinhead, chivalry is done

Pinhead, pinhead, chivalry is done

Scaring off the women in a patriarchal system

Pinhead, pinhead, sucking on her face

Pinhead, pinhead, getting sprayed with mace

 

VERSE 3

When they’re at a protest, at first they pull a gun

But when they see some blue hair, then they start to run

When they see their pronouns, it makes them think twice

Pinhead, pinhead, secretly enticed

Pinhead, pinhead, secretly enticed

Consuming trans porn ‘til the bright and early morn

Pinhead, pinhead, getting really pissed

Pinhead, pinhead, at the word “cis”

 

VERSE 4

I couldn’t speak Spanish to save my own life

But I know a few phrases, so I can get by

On your knees, pendejo, that’s a good puto

Pinhead, pinhead, besame kulo

Pinhead, pinhead, hired by the law

It was January 6^th when ICE gave them a job

Pinhead, pinhead, covering their face

Pinhead, pinhead, for the Master Race!

Balls Deep in War

VERSE 1

I logged a hundred hours playing Call of Duty

Neon sign on my head that says, “Recruit me!”

Shave my head right down to my brain

Just kidding, I flushed that shit down the drain

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But a Drill Sergeant’s insults will turn us all to clones

If I break down and cry, I won’t be paid to die

I want to go to war and blow that shit sky high

 

CHORUS 1

Balls deep in boot camp!

Balls deep in the corps!

Balls deep in push-ups!

Balls deep in war!

 

VERSE 2

Automatic rocket launchers, automatic bazookas

Hiroshima bombs on the chicks named Asooka

I thought her name was Asuka, but who really cares?

Her pile of ashes is blowing through the air

Semi-auto flamethrowers, Tech Nine shotguns

Colt 45’s? I don’t just got one

I got two of them bitches, ‘cause I want to be the killer

Be the turban slayer and the burqa lady thriller

 

CHORUS 2

Balls deep in Iraq!

Balls deep in Japan!

Balls deep in Israel!

Balls deep in Iran!

 

VERSE 3

I’m coming back home to abuse my girlfriend

Beat her ass like a drum until the world ends

Talk shit about Muslims like it’s going out of style

This is Jesus’s world, he’s gonna be here for a while

Get a job with the police, do anything I want

I’ll get away with murder even if I get caught

I was built from the ground up to fight a lost cause

Now I’m like John Rambo breaking vagrancy laws

 

CHORUS 3

Balls deep in therapy!

Balls deep in my wife!

Balls deep in divorce!

Balls deep in civilian life!

Balls deep in loneliness!

Balls deep in being poor!

Balls deep in debt!

Balls deep in war!

 

DIALOGUE

“The few! The proud! The marines! Because toxic masculinity is what built America!”

That’s not a good thing, yo…

Chest Milk

(In the style of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred)

 

VERSE 1

He’s a right-wing billionaire

And he just doesn’t care

If he stinks up your air

He’s a red-pilled alpha male

Who never goes to jail

SA victims were failed

And he deadnamed his own daughter

And led her to the slaughter

While his mistress broke her water

 

CHORUS

He’s a model and he wants his bottle

But not whiskey or beer, just some chest milk

He wants some chest milk

He wants some chest milk, yeah

He’s sad because I didn’t call it breast milk

 

VERSE 2

He’s a funny, funny guy

Who wants to make them cry

When they’re bored, he asks, “Why, oh, why?!”

And he drives a cyber truck

And he don’t give a fuck

‘Cause he’s gotten by on luck

 

CHORUS

He’s a model and he wants his bottle

But not whiskey or beer, just some chest milk

He wants some chest milk

He wants some chest milk, yeah

He’s sad because I didn’t call it breast milk

 

VERSE 3

And he outlawed the word cis

And his fans gave him a kiss

On the organ that goes “piss”

 

CHORUS

He’s a model and he wants his bottle

But not whiskey or beer, just some chest milk

He wants some chest milk

He wants some chest milk, yeah

He’s sad because I didn’t call it breast milk

 

VERSE 4

And he bought the birdie app

And it’s a piece of crap

‘Cause it’s for slurs and faps

He, he bought the birdie app

A rage-a-holic trap

For those about to snap

Swipe left, not worth a single tap

Every Little Thing I Do Is Funny

(In the style of “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” by The Police)

 

VERSE 1

I stood up in front of the class

Gave a presentation so I could pass

From the very first word

Laughter’s all I ever heard

In mass

 

CHORUS

Every little thing I do is funny

Everything I do just cracks them up

Even the professor’s spitting coffee

From his “Number One Teacher” cup

 

VERSE 2

I pulled out a Snickers bar

Because the time for lunch was just too far

Got a big enough belly

One that wiggles like it’s jelly

Har-dee-har!

 

CHORUS

Every little thing I do is funny

Everything I do just cracks them up

Even the professor’s spitting coffee

From his “Number One Teacher” cup

 

BRIDGE

I called them a bunch of names

Stormed out of the room in shame

I’d walk back to my dorm room

To be all doom and gloom

Everyone tried to assure me

They weren’t punching down with glee

They just think my voice is lovely

It’s a low-pitch melody

 

CHORUS

Every little thing I do is funny

Everything I do just cracks them up

Even the professor’s spitting coffee

From his “Number One Teacher” cup

Bad Comedy

(In the style of “Bad Company” by Bad Company)

VERSE 1

Comedy is supposed to be about fun

I’d rather off myself with a loaded gun

You were born with sense of humor cancer

The crowd is dead, army of a necromancer

CHORUS 1

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, not a laugh or a cry

Bad, bad comedy, your edge is all a lie

Your edge is all a lie

Your edge is all a lie

VERSE 2

Oh so brave, a rebel you’ve been called

Truth teller? I’ve never been so appalled

And now these crowds, they boo you off the stage

Your lame-ass jokes, they will poorly age

CHORUS 2

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, you got too many tries

Bad, bad comedy, no pay-per-view buys

No pay-per-view buys

No pay-per-view buys

BRIDGE

Laugh at the vulnerable

Laugh at the “truth”

You’re wasting your time

We’re wasting our youth

CHORUS 3

That’s why they call you

Bad comedy, go ahead and deny

Bad, bad comedy, shut up and make my fries

Shut up and make my fries

Until the day you die

Trees and Rocks

(In the style of Wesley Willis)

VERSE 1

Nature vacations are the worst

It’s just trees and rocks

They sit there and do nothing

You can’t buy chicken from a tree

CHORUS

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

VERSE 2

Where are all the heavy metal bands?

Where are the wrestling matches?

Where are the arcade machines?

You can’t play Double Dragon in a creek

CHORUS

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

VERSE 3

There are no animals in the forest

Except the ones that can kill you

Grizzlies will eat you alive

You can’t talk about barbarians and wizards with a bear

CHORUS

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

Nature is so boring

FINAL VERSE

If trees had wi-fi signals

I’d go there in a heartbeat

And order fried chicken from Door Dash

Bawitdaba

VERSE 1

I start my truck by breathing into a tube

I drive around high school looking for boobs

You call it statutory? I call it mandatory

Like making a poncho out of Old Glory

And wearing it while playing for my man W

And doing it again for his far-right substitute

My skeleton key can open anyone’s lock

Now get in my bed and try to love Kid Rock!

CHORUS 1

Browitdabro

The camel toe

Licky, licky, licky

Until your leggy-weggies become sticky

VERSE 2

The reason why my tickets sell for so damn cheap?

‘Cause y’all work at Wal-Mart seven days a week

I relate to the struggle in my comfortable mansion

While poverty kills like a family of Mansons

I got a tennis court and a swimming pool

And a hummer that runs on hundred dollar fuel

You can look for answers, but you know it’s a crock

Now get in my bed and try to love Kid Rock!

CHORUS 2

Blahwitdablah

The biggie bra

Jiggy, jiggy, jiggy

Until my peter becomes a stiffy

CHORUS 3

Blewwitdablew

Come on to you

Sicky, sicky, sicky

You don’t have to be so damn picky

BRIDGE

Love!

Is what I hate!

Don’t need no peace!

War!

CHORUS 4

Byewitdabye

I want to cry

Crowbar city

I’m in jail, it’s such a pity

inspirational Porn Star

VERSE 1

I was born with one finger, no other body parts

My cancer cell count was off the fucking charts

I got run over by a Karen and her shopping cart

Left to bleed and break on the floor of Wal-Mart

But I kept pushing on, as cliché as that sounds

I can now bench press a thousand fucking pounds

A got a hot wife, hot life, and a new sports car

You call me lucky; I’m an inspirational porn star

VERSE 2

I was born with a negative bank account balance

A million dollar debt to a loan shark in Dallas

The streets were the place where I slept and shit

Not in that order, but the timeline still fits

I kept soldiering on, got a college education

Got a bunch of D-pluses at my graduation

It’s clearly your fault if you don’t go far

Not mine; I’m an inspirational porn star

VERSE 3

I never once took a check from the welfare office

Never once begged the forces of evil to stop it

I’m so tough I floss my teeth with barbed wire

Wipe my ass with sandpaper ‘til it burns like fire

Shave my face with a chainsaw until I’m raw

Clip my nails with a shark’s disembodied jaw

If I can do it, you have no reason not to start

Your lifelong journey, be an inspirational porn star

VERSE 4

Of course you all know that I’m full of shit

Only a bunch of sheep believe my rhetoric

Everything has nuance, even life itself

Not as easy as a bible on a library shelf

Not as easy as watching a You Tube video

Not as easy as imagining a new scenario

I want more for me, so I move the goal post

Inspirational porn stars are just hollow boasts

Macho Man

 VERSE 1

Every day is leg day, make the ladies beg day

Mix some manly sperm with their eggs day

My pistols are big, but not as big as my dick

Give the ladies something to suck on and lick

I drive my hummer with a loud fucking motor

I leave behind a nice trail of gasoline odors

I’m a macho man! Don’t believe me? I’ll tell you

Toxic masculinity is what I’m trying to sell you

CHORUS

Macho man! Macho man!

The manliest of mansplainers!

Macho man! Macho man!

Fitness and beef are my college majors!

VERSE 2

How can I put this into words you’ll understand?

You’re a womanly woman and I’m a manly man

I talk down to you because that’s what kings do

Even other peasants will tell you that it’s true

CHORUS

Macho man! Macho man!

The manliest of mansplainers!

Macho man! Macho man!

Fitness and beef are my college majors!

VERSE 3

Fire my bazooka in a first person shooter game

Because real life wars by comparison are tame

I scream my B-words and a shit-load of C-words

Until my macho manliness melts the ladies’ beavers

Teabag my victims whether they ask for it or not

Balls in their faces while their corpses burn and rot

You could question my sexuality forever and a day

But I’ll flip the script and call your faggy ass gay

CHORUS

Macho man! Macho man!

The manliest of mansplainers!

Macho man! Macho man!

Fitness and beef are my college majors!

FINAL VERSE

Why are all my friends walking away from me?

Because I called them words that start with a B?

Maybe I’m just a coward fighting off low T

Lacking empathy for others, too blind to see

It’s on the tip of my tongue, I can’t figure it out

Has it always been my fault? Is that what it’s about?

It would take some ballsy courage to admit my mistakes

And admit my macho manliness has always been fake

"Doggolescence" by Rachel Oates and Kyra the Staffy

BOOK TITLE: Doggolescence
AUTHORS: Rachel Oates and Kyra the Staffy
YEAR: 2020
GENRE: Poetry
SUBGENRE: Animal Parodies
GRADE: Pass

All Rachel Oates wanted to do was have some fun at the expense of Gabbie Hanna and her “poetry”. Nothing too serious, just a few parodies from the point of view of Rachel’s lovable doggy Kyra. Because Kyra has childlike innocence, the parody poems are simple by nature, but are much more entertaining than the source material. There are lots of funny ones like “Honey”, “Texts”, and “Mirror”, but also some serious ones like “Nights”. Judging from the effective punch lines at the end of the funnier poems, if Rachel Oates wanted to be a standup comic somewhere down the line, she very well could since she possesses a perfect understanding of joke structures. But a poem like “Nights” will hit you like a heavyweight punch to the gut. Dogs who live at shelters are notoriously lonely since they have nobody to snuggle with and all of the blankets and toys on the concrete floor doesn’t change the fact that the floor is indeed made out of concrete. I know the phrase, “Adopt, don’t shop!” gets used quite liberally, but to be frank, it doesn’t get said enough. Rachel understands this and not only did she get an awesome book out of it, but she has something worth so much more: a loving doggy to call her own. Belly rubs, ear scratches, jowl wiggles, and most importantly, steak treats! All the good things in life come from Rachel’s home. Which is why it’s hard for me to point out one teeny tiny little flaw in this collection: too much bathroom humor for my tastes. But that’s just my opinion and Rachel doesn’t have to adjust her writing style for one reader. All in all, a nice little poetry book even if she openly admits to putting as little effort into it as Gabbie Hanna put into her own book. Four out of five stars! And by the way, the pictures of Kyra are so darn cute!