Immortal Technique: Harlem to Canada, Lyrically Damage Ya

 

Dr. Cushing (Tales from the Hood) vs. Officer Tatum (YouTube): It Should Be Him on the Spinning Table, Fully Clothed, of Course

 

The Shield: David Aceveda vs. Juan Lozano a.k.a. the Award-Winning Meteorologist

 

Marcus Brock, Dirty Detective from "Virtuous"

 

David Aceveda from The Shield: Captain of The Barn, Which Is Full of Pigs

 

Rick Kuss: Some Hyperlocal Politics for You Washingtonians Out There

 

"Officer" Brandon Tatum (Nice Tattoo, Pretty Boy!)

 

Judge Jeanine Pirro: Her Media Literacy Skills Are Sharper Than RFK's Heroin Needle

 

Bill Sessions: a "Winner" Who Didn't Use Drugs, But Probably Other Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

 

Brandi Regal, Detective from "Jumping For Jesus"

 

Tom Man Ho, I mean, Tom Homan

 

I'll get his name right eventually, maybe when he starts getting the names right of the people he deports. I hear his Spanish sucks.

C.C.H. Ground n' Pounder, Queen of Barbarians

 

Detective Jeri Lodge, Bull Rope Police Department

 

Her job is to arrest incel gangsters, but when she interrogates them and breaks them down, she takes no prisoners and even less bullshit excuses.

Sheriff David Clarke

 

U Tube Troll Police

 

Lucia Morgan from Final Fight 3 vs. Jordan Peterson

 

Two-Sentence Horror Story: Pacific Blue Balls

Detective Miller placed a comforting hand on top of Francine’s and said, “I’m going to need the links to your revenge porn pictures so that we can gather evidence and put this creep behind bars. Also, I watch Pacific Blue for the riveting drama and I read Playboy for the articles.”

Guy Hogan

 =========================================

THE BASICS

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Name: Guy Hogan

Nicknames: Sheriff, Lone Star

Gender: Cisgender Male

Age: 52

Birth Date: 448 AM

Birth Place: Morgan Town

Currently Living In: Morgan Town

Species: Human

Ethnicity / Race: White

Citizenship: Honey Valley

Religion / Beliefs: Right-Winger

=========================================

FAMILY

=========================================

Father: Bart Hogan

Age: Dead

Relationship: Spoiled

Mother: Lisa Hogan

Age: Dead

Relationship: Spoiled

=========================================

PHYSICAL FEATURES:

=========================================

Height: 5’11”

Weight: 287 lbs.

Frame / Build: Chubby

Hair length: Long bald horseshoe

Hair color: Brown

Eye shape: Round

Eye color: Blue

Complexion: Fair

Face size: Jowly

Voice type: Grating

Foot size: 15 Men’s

Tattoo(s): None

Scar(s): Possum bite on his finger

Other notable accessories: Golden Hoop Earrings

Any other identifying mark(s): Bushy beard

=========================================

SOCIO / ECONOMIC / POLITICAL

=========================================

Political Affiliation: Conservative

Economic Class: Rich

Social Class: Law Enforcement

Occupation: Sheriff of Morgan Town

Income: High (including bribes)

Residence: Morgan Town

Transportation: Feet

=========================================

INTERESTS

=========================================

Favorite Food(s): Ham Sandwich

Favorite Sport(s): Cage Fighting

Favorite Book(s): Doesn’t read

Favorite Show(s): TV isn’t around yet

Favorite Music: Doesn’t like music

Favorite Color(s): Brown and red

Clothing Style / Preferences: Sheriff vest, baggy pants, knee boots, and plume hat

Hobbies: Playing pool, gambling, and cooking

Role Model(s): His parents and Orpheus Rinehart

Likes: Bribes, dessert, always getting his way, living comfortably, bullying poor people

Dislikes: Aforementioned poor people, elves, libraries, women who resist him

=========================================

PERSONALITY

=========================================

Good Qualities / Trait(s): Powerful, influential, and a spotless arrest record

Vices / Negative Trait(s): Spoiled, racist, can’t take criticism, and easily angered

Strengths: Power, influence, and good in combat

Weaknesses: Tires easily due to his obesity and is unmotivated if money isn’t involved

Habits / Idiosyncrasies / Quirks: Farts, chuckles, and burps

Phobia / Fears: Elves, lacking control, and riots

Select one personality type below that best describes your character:

PROTECTORS

[X] Overseer (ESTJ) – Thrives on facts and details. Has a clear set of standards and beliefs. They are hardworking, responsible, and self-confident. They rely on experiences rather than speculation, and make decisions based on these. Very good at enforcing laws and rules. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Very organized, tends to be a stickler for the rules.

Define your character’s personality based on the following aspects:

a. Physically: Intimidating, commands authority

b. Psychologically: Spoiled rotten, hair-trigger temper

c. Spiritually: Makes fun of Magetans

d. Emotionally: Spoiled rotten

e. Socially: Despite his off-putting and obnoxious nature, he still commands obedience

=========================================

HISTORY

=========================================

1. Describe the character’s childhood. Guy Hogan grew up with rich parents who gave him everything he ever wanted while very rarely saying no to him. He developed a god complex in his teenaged years, which led him to running for Sheriff and winning. Now he takes bribes to feed his spoiled child habit while doing very little to protect the disenfranchised.

2. Name the good incidents that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? He got to eat as much as he wanted, especially at his birthday parties.

3. Name bad experiences that have happened in the character’s life. How has this shaped his personality? Because he was never told no, he never formed empathy for other people and became the selfish sheriff that he is.

4. What is the character doing when first introduced? What are his goals at this point? He’s accepting a bribe from Christian Savage to let his beat-down of Tarja Rikkinen go unnoticed. His goal is to continue to live comfortably and hopefully use his influence to get laid someday.

4a. Do these goals change at any point in the story? He firmly sides with Shadow Asylum when the heat gets hot. He’ll do whatever they want him to do whether they pay him or not.

=========================================

STORY DEVELOPMENT:

=========================================

CHARACTER ARCHETYPE: (Put an X on all applicable boxes)

[] Addict (Conspicuous Consumer, Glutton, Workaholic–see also Gambler)

[] Advocate (Attorney, Defender, Legislator, Lobbyist, Environmentalist)

[] Alchemist (Wizard, Magician, Scientist, Inventor–see also Visionary)

[] Angel (Fairy Godmother/Godfather)

[X] Antagonist (Opposing View, not necessarily the Evil Bad — see also Villain)

[] Anti-Hero

[] Artist (Artisan, Craftsperson, Sculptor, Weaver)

[] Athlete (Olympian)

[] Avenger (Avenging Angel, Savior, Messiah)

[] Beggar (Homeless person/ Indigent)

[X] Bully (Coward)

[] Catalyst

[] Child (Orphan, Wounded, Magical/Innocent, Nature, Divine, Puer/Puella Eternis, or Eternal Boy/Girl)

[] Clown (Court Jester, Fool, Dummling)

[] Companion (Friend, Sidekick, Right Arm, Consort)

[] Damsel (Princess)

[] Destroyer (Attila, Mad Scientist, Serial Killer, Spoiler)

[X] Detective (Spy, Double Agent, Sleuth, Snoop, Sherlock Holmes, Private Investigator, Profiler–see also Warrior/Crime Fighter)

[] Dilettante (Amateur)

[] Don Juan (Casanova, Gigolo, Seducer, Sex Addict)

[] Engineer (Architect, Builder, Schemer)

[] Exorcist (Shaman)

[] Father (Patriarch, Progenitor)

[] Femme Fatale (Black Widow, Flirt, Siren, Circe, Seductress, Enchantress)

[X] Gambler

[] God (Adonis, see also Hero)

[] Gossip (see also Networker)

[] Guide (Guru, Sage, Crone, Wise Woman, Spiritual Master, Evangelist, Preacher)

[] Healer (Wounded Healer, Intuitive Healer, Caregiver, Nurse, Therapist, Analyst, Counselor)

[X] Hedonist (Bon Vivant, Chef, Gourmet, Gourmand, Sybarite–see also Mystic)

[] Hermit (see also Wise old Man)

[] Hero/Heroine (see also Knight, Warrior)

[] Judge (Critic, Examiner, Mediator, Arbitrator)

[] King (Emperor, Ruler, Leader, Chief — see also Politician)

[] Knight in Shining Armor

[] Liberator

[] Lover

[] Martyr

[] Mediator (Ambassador, Diplomat, Go-Between)

[] Mentor (Master, Counselor, Tutor)

[] Messiah (Redeemer, Savior)

[] Midas/Miser

[] Monk/Nun (Celibate)

[] Mother (Matriarch, Mother Nature)

[] Mystic (Renunciate, Anchorite, Hermit)

[] Networker (Messenger, Herald, Courier, Journalist, Communicator)

[] Pioneer (Explorer, Settler, Pilgrim, Innovator)

[] Poet

[X] Politician (see also King)

[] Priest (Priestess, Minister, Rabbi, Evangelist)

[] Prince

[] Prostitute

[] Queen (Empress)

[] Rebel (Anarchist, Revolutionary, Political Protester, Nonconformist, Pirate)

[] Rescuer

[] Saboteur

[] Samaritan

[] Scribe (Copyist, Secretary, Accountant–see also Journalist)

[] Seeker (Wanderer, Vagabond, Nomad)

[] Servant (Indentured Servant)

[] Shape-shifter (Spell-caster–see also Trickster)

[] Slave

[] Spectre (Ghost / Apparition with Unresolved issues)

[] Storyteller (Minstrel, Narrator)

[] Student / Scholar (Disciple, Devotee, Follower, Apprentice)

[] Teacher (Instructor, see also Mentor)

[] Thief (Swindler, Con Artist, Pickpocket, Burglar, Robin Hood)

[] Threshold Guardian

[] Trickster (Puck, Provocateur)

[X] Turncoat

[] Vampire

[] Victim

[X] Villain / Shadow (Big Bad of the story; see also Antagonist)

[] Virgin (see also Celibate)

[] Visionary (Dreamer, Prophet, Seer–see also Guide, Alchemist)

[] Warrior (Soldier, Crime Fighter, Amazon, Mercenary, Soldier of Fortune, Gunslinger, Samurai)

[] Wise old Man (see also Hermit)

1. What are the motivations for the character’s actions? Living easy and always wanting more than he already has, which is a lot.

2. What are the character’s goals / ambition / dreams? To have his own castle despite never being royalty

3. What external conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Bully as many naysayers as he can, including elves.

3a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? He has to keep up the illusion that he is a sheriff and not a crook with a badge, so his dealings have to be subtle.

4. What inner conflicts would you wish for the character to overcome? Satisfying his genocidal nature and resisting criticism.

4a. What are the obstacles in the character’s path that might make this difficult? His opponents are more physically fit and generally better fighters than him, which he can always nullify with a Devon Bay firearm.

=========================================

AUTHOR’S NOTES / MISCELLANY

=========================================

Character theme song: “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood and the Destroyers

Celebrity / IRL lookalike: The Bastion Booger

"Souls of the Reaper" by Markie Madden

BOOK TITLE: Souls of the Reaper (Undead Unit 2)

AUTHOR: Markie Madden

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Paranormal Crime Drama

GRADE: Pass

I can say with utmost certainty that this novel is an improvement from the last. Sure, it still has its fair share of typos such as quotation marks that don’t end, but those are little things that can be easily fixed. Colton’s werewolf anger was perfectly justified this time around. His truck gets egged, his suspects are uncooperative, technology malfunctions from time to time, and doing paperwork is still a pain in the neck. As for the shifter newbie, Kazz, her passion for learning is evident as it should be for all rookies, especially those in law enforcement. Marcell comes off as a sweet and gentle soul as does Niall, which makes sense since they’re both in the business of healing people. Lacey Anderson is a believable main character in her own right. She’s tough on crime, sensitive to the victims of said crimes, and vulnerable during her moments of weakness. Being immortal creatures doesn’t make any of these protagonists Mary-Sues, because they still have to rely on police procedure and their own wits to get the job done. The overall team is effective in their duties and that’s something they had to earn throughout the Undead Unit series so far.

I only have two minor complaints when it comes to this book and this is just nitpicky stuff. I would have liked for Lacey’s adopted dog Morgan to get more page time, especially since it would’ve kept the fighting kennel raid scene from becoming a mere side story. Plus, I enjoy stories of former fighting animals finding love in their forever homes. It warms my heart. The other minor complaint I had was the way the final chapter (not the epilogue) concluded. The criminal reaper who’s been stealing souls to satisfy his lust for power, Su Xiong, was billed as this dangerous warrior who could snap at any minute. While I won’t give away what happens to him as this is a spoiler-free review, it was just a tad underwhelming for a guy who’s supposed to be as dangerous as he is. Granted, the path to this ending was by no means easy or pain-free, but the streak of agony should have continued into the final encounter. But again, these two complaints don’t ruin the entire story for me. I’ll always cherish Markie Madden’s way of bringing her worlds to life.

Think of your favorite TV crime show, whether it’s NCIS, CSI, Law & Order, or The Shield among others, and pair it with supernatural themes such as soul reaping, astral projection, and undead racism. That hodgepodge is what you can expect from Souls of the Reaper. It’s fun, clever, creative, and you’ll love it so much that you’ll want to see it on TNT or CBS one day as a full-time show. Even Syfy would love to get their hands on this story if it meant turning it into a well-crafted TV series. Four out of five stars will go to Markie Madden’s wonderful police procedural. I hope to one day finish the Undead Unit series!

"Deadly Storm" by Richard Castle

BOOK TITLE: Deadly Storm

AUTHOR: Richard Castle

YEAR: 2011

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Crime Fiction

GRADE: Mixed

Derrick Storm is a smalltime private investigator whose recent assignment opens up an entire world of conspiracies involving money transfers and rogue CIA agents. The case starts off with Derrick spying on a cheating husband in a trailer park and continues with calls from CIA Agent Clara Strike wanting to hire him for a bigger job. Derrick is continually backed into a corner every time he thinks he’s in the clear, yet he figures out creative ways to get himself out of these sticky situations. Can he put the finishing touches on this case or will these rogue CIA agents disappear without a trace forever?

I’ve read a lot of crime fiction in my day and I’ve also watched a lot of police procedurals on TV. I know the formulas they use inside and out, front to back, and side to side. While I can’t piece together every single part of the formula, I do know that this graphic novel follows it down to the last detail. It depends on the formula so much that it becomes just another crime story rather than sticking out from the pack. It was enjoyable for what it was, but I’ve seen this scenario play out over and over again with other books and TV shows. Nothing about this graphic novel was original, but I still liked reading it. To put it mildly, this graphic novel was just plain fine. Not great, not terrible, just fine. Mediocre at best.

I wanted to give this book a higher grade when I read the opening line: “I’m not exactly an expert on what functioning adults do.” I know it’s unrealistic to expect that the opening line from every single likeable book should hook the reader instantly, but this is one of those rare occasions when it does. It had so much potential to show how messed up Derrick Storm really is. But sadly, I never got to see much of that beyond him joking about how his dad messed him up for life. In other words, he told the audience rather than showed them, which is a huge no-no in the writing business. Sure, he has nice one-liners here and there, but then again, so do a lot of hardboiled detectives. What makes Derrick Storm special? I can’t think of anything, really.

And while we’re on the topic of failed attempts to be original and cool, let’s talk about the names of the characters for a moment. We already know the main character’s name is Derrick Storm. We also know that his CIA handler is named Clara Strike. But did you also know that the trailer park prostitute is named Sassy Monroe (that’s a pseudonym, believe it or not)? I appreciate solid over-the-top names in my literature, but not when they’re so obvious that it becomes pretentious after a while. I’m not saying they should have boring names, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a middle ground between boring and over-the-top that would be suitable in a crime fiction setting. This is not it.

I’ve been pretty hard in judging this graphic novel, but don’t think for a moment that it wouldn’t make a nice gift for the mystery-lover in your life. It’s a quick read, it’s pieced together without any continuity issues, and it has all the whistles and bells that any detective story needs. If I hadn’t memorized this formula already, I might have a higher appreciation for it. But as it is, a mediocre graphic novel gets a mediocre mixed grade from me.