Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWE): "WHAT?!"

 

Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction vs. Sheetal Awchar: "It's the Same Ballpark"

 

Pulp Fiction: What Does Donald Trump Look Like?

 

Butch Coolidge from Pulp Fiction vs. The Quartering: Happy Belated Pride Month!

 

Ophelia Cornell: Legendary Serial Killer from "Dungeon of Love"

 

Olimpia DeJesus, World-Class Wrestler and Murder Suspect from "Seven Star Reads"

 

Marcus Brock, Dirty Detective from "Virtuous"

 

Marcelis Galvani, Religious Scammer from "Jumping for Jesus"

 

David Aceveda from The Shield: Captain of The Barn, Which Is Full of Pigs

 

Jayden McCameron, Gamer and Funko Pop Collector from "Virtuous"

 

Brutus Rager, Pro-Wrestler Turned Dirt Sheet Journalist from "Seven Star Reads"

 

Marcellis Wallace vs. Zed (Rest in Peace, Peter Greene)

 

Tony Soprano vs. Ivanka Trump

 

Luigi vs. Rufus Buckley from A Time to Kill

 

Manliest of Mansplainers

Alexis Harper power-walked down the hallway towards the interrogation room, pants suit on, dreadlocked hair up, and a mean face that could turn any alpha male to stone like the eyes of Medusa. She paid no mind to the other officers giving her funny looks like she didn’t belong in this game. Manliest of mansplainers. That’s all they are, she thought. She looked both ways to make sure the coast was clear and entered the interrogation room, where Ryland Hamm sat on the opposite end of the table looking like testosterone on a stick.

Mr. Hamm had a smug look complementing his square jaw, slicked back blond hair to give off that alt-right vibe, and a red flannel shirt that he probably wrestled a lumberjack for if Alexis didn’t know any better. Despite being grossly outmatched in the size department, Alexis never lost her angry swagger and slowly took a seat across from her suspect, as if to draw out any anxiety Ryland might have had. She gave the potential anxiety an adrenaline boost when she laid her gun on the table and turned the safety off.

Alexis took several deep breaths through her nose to bring some more angry tension into this already prison-like room, white walls and barred window be damned. But the anxiety she hoped Ryland was having didn’t exist at all as shown by his equally cold and callous face. Breaking him down was going to be a chore, for sure. But it was a chore worth doing in her mind.

Her speech was slow and deliberate as she dressed down her suspect. “Listen to me, you little bitch…if at any point in this interrogation you try to reach across the table to hit me or grope me…I’m going to empty my gun all over your fucking face. You won’t be warned…You won’t get a chance to explain yourself…You won’t even get a chance to apologize…You touch me…you die…I know you don’t have a great deal of respect for women, so I thought I’d put that out to the universe beforehand…”

Ryland folded his arms. “Where I’m from, respect is earned.”

Alexis gave a sadistic smile. “I got bad news for you: we’re a LONG ways away from where you’re from. This ain’t jabip, my friend. This…this is my dungeon…and you are going to be my bitch today…” Ryland almost reached across the table, but thought better of it. “Good boy.

“Now…let me see if I’ve got this right…You left the bar at 10:30 last night…And that was when you shot the victim in the face…She’ll be buried in due time…but the thing is…we don’t even know this woman’s name…I don’t think you do either…All we know about her…is that you tried to give her a quote-unquote compliment…and it didn’t go as well as you wanted…What was that compliment, Ryland?”

“I want a lawyer.”

“Yeah…and you know what I want? I want Jamie Fraser from Outlander shackled naked to my bed…with a dildo in his mouth…and an electrified diaper on his crotch…Wait a minute…hold on a second…Did I just make a man feel worthless?” She poked her own chin in mock contemplation. “I could have sworn that I turned a three-dimensional human being…into nothing more than a sex object…It’s almost like…I did the exact same thing you did to that woman…”

Ryland shook his head and leaned back in his chair. “You feminazis are all the same. Can’t even take a compliment, so you Me Too our asses out of existence. I told her she looked sexy in those running shorts and you know what she said back? She said…’If you want to get laid so badly, there’s a perfectly good middle school down the road. They’re more your type.’ She slanders the shit out of me and it’s ME who’s in this room? How is that fair?”

“The reason you’re in this room, Ryland, is because you shot her in the face shortly afterwards. That’s why we have no idea who she is: her most unique features…were blown right off her body…”

“I did not shoot her, you slanderous bitch!”

“Then why did we find her…lying on the ground…with no face…and no brains…and not much of a skull left either? Why…did this woman have to die over a clever comeback? She didn’t owe you a damn thing, Ryland…No woman…owes you a damn thing…”

Ryland’s tone grew more intense the longer this interrogation drew out. “That’s what women are for, you dumb bitch. They have vaginas for a reason. What good is a vagina if you’re not going to use it?! Why don’t you crack open a bible every once and a while instead of reading SJW comic books where Wonder Woman has a pecker and Superman has a pussy.”

“Hmm…” Alexis leaned back in her chair and continued to touch her face like she actually gave a shit about Ryland’s incel rhetoric. “That sounds like a good idea…I used to have a bible around the house…But then…my husband had a really disgusting meal at Taco Bell…and…there was no toilet paper in the bathroom…and…long story short…we don’t have a bible anymore…”

Ryland raised his trembling fist like he was going to strike Alexis, but then she reached for her gun and said, “Ah-ah-ah! I don’t think so, buddy...Don’t even try it…Don’t…fucking…test me!”

There was a knock at the door and a couple of uniformed police officers entered despite not having confirmation from Alexis to come in. She didn’t even look them in the eye. She just gave the jittering Ryland an arrogant smirk like she achieved what she set out to do. “He’s all yours, boys…Ryland Hamm…is our murderer. You’re welcome…”

One of the officers shook his head. “Lady? You don’t even work here.”

“WHAT?!” screamed Ryland. He clutched his own face with both hands and squeezed in anger. His breathing was labored and deep, his muscles vibrated, and his eyes bulged. “All this time, I’ve been interrogated by this feminazi and you guys did nothing to stop her?! She wouldn’t even let me have a lawyer!”

“Mr. Hamm, there’s no need to shout,” said one of the officers while raising his hand defensively.

“It’s a free country! I’ll shout if I damn well want to! I’m a real American and I say that shit proudly!”

“Of course you’re a proud American!” Alexis retorted. “Everybody knows that! You’re white…you’re a man…and you’re a republican, no doubt…Those three things alone would have ensured you a short stay in a county jail…as opposed to a lifetime in prison for murdering a woman who didn’t want to fuck you…tell me I’m wrong, boys. Go ahead. Tell me this privileged white male republican would have spent the rest of his life in prison. Go on…lie to me…”

No response from the cops.

“You all should be thanking me instead of chastising me,” said Alexis. “I’m like those undocumented immigrants you fear so much…I’m doing the job…that nobody else wants to do!”

Ryland had enough. He reached across the table like he wanted to clobber Alexis and she shot him in the head for it. The exploding brains and skull wasn’t nearly as impressive as what he did to the unknown woman in running shorts, but she laughed nonetheless as officers restrained and cuffed her.

“You all saw that, didn’t you?” chuckled Alexis. “He tried to hit me, so I killed him in self-defense. I bet he would have used the self-defense excuse to keep his ass out of prison because his fragile little ego was broken. Then again…he wouldn’t have gone to prison anyways…”

The cops hauled her out of the interrogation room and down the hall. “You’re under arrest for impersonating an officer.”

“What about murder?” she asked. “Are you going to add murder to my rap sheet or are you basically admitting defeat on that one?”

“You have the right to remain silent. I suggest you take advantage of that.”

“Kind of like how Ryland took advantage of that woman, right? You’re still going to give her a proper burial, aren’t you?”

“SHUT…THE FUCK…UP!”

Alexis grinned as she was being taken to a holding cell. “Yep, you’re definitely not impersonating an officer now. Y’all are the real deal.”

"Souls of the Reaper" by Markie Madden

BOOK TITLE: Souls of the Reaper (Undead Unit 2)

AUTHOR: Markie Madden

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Paranormal Crime Drama

GRADE: Pass

I can say with utmost certainty that this novel is an improvement from the last. Sure, it still has its fair share of typos such as quotation marks that don’t end, but those are little things that can be easily fixed. Colton’s werewolf anger was perfectly justified this time around. His truck gets egged, his suspects are uncooperative, technology malfunctions from time to time, and doing paperwork is still a pain in the neck. As for the shifter newbie, Kazz, her passion for learning is evident as it should be for all rookies, especially those in law enforcement. Marcell comes off as a sweet and gentle soul as does Niall, which makes sense since they’re both in the business of healing people. Lacey Anderson is a believable main character in her own right. She’s tough on crime, sensitive to the victims of said crimes, and vulnerable during her moments of weakness. Being immortal creatures doesn’t make any of these protagonists Mary-Sues, because they still have to rely on police procedure and their own wits to get the job done. The overall team is effective in their duties and that’s something they had to earn throughout the Undead Unit series so far.

I only have two minor complaints when it comes to this book and this is just nitpicky stuff. I would have liked for Lacey’s adopted dog Morgan to get more page time, especially since it would’ve kept the fighting kennel raid scene from becoming a mere side story. Plus, I enjoy stories of former fighting animals finding love in their forever homes. It warms my heart. The other minor complaint I had was the way the final chapter (not the epilogue) concluded. The criminal reaper who’s been stealing souls to satisfy his lust for power, Su Xiong, was billed as this dangerous warrior who could snap at any minute. While I won’t give away what happens to him as this is a spoiler-free review, it was just a tad underwhelming for a guy who’s supposed to be as dangerous as he is. Granted, the path to this ending was by no means easy or pain-free, but the streak of agony should have continued into the final encounter. But again, these two complaints don’t ruin the entire story for me. I’ll always cherish Markie Madden’s way of bringing her worlds to life.

Think of your favorite TV crime show, whether it’s NCIS, CSI, Law & Order, or The Shield among others, and pair it with supernatural themes such as soul reaping, astral projection, and undead racism. That hodgepodge is what you can expect from Souls of the Reaper. It’s fun, clever, creative, and you’ll love it so much that you’ll want to see it on TNT or CBS one day as a full-time show. Even Syfy would love to get their hands on this story if it meant turning it into a well-crafted TV series. Four out of five stars will go to Markie Madden’s wonderful police procedural. I hope to one day finish the Undead Unit series!

Jackie Brown

MOVIE TITLE: Jackie Brown

DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino

YEAR: 1997

GENRE: Crime Drama

RATING: R for violence, nudity, and language

GRADE: Pass

LAX flight attendant Jackie Brown is busted by the police for smuggling cocaine and money across the Mexican border. Facing up to five years in prison, the only way out of doing hard time is by ratting out the gun dealer whom the money was supposed to go to, Ordell Robbie. As a sting operation is set up to smuggle the rest of the money out of Mexico, it isn’t always clear who’s double-crossing who. Will Jackie take off with the money herself? Will she stay true to the police or to Ordell? She has the know-how and seductive nature to pull off any deal she wants. Can she do it without getting shot or sent to jail permanently?

First and foremost, the show-stealer of this movie was Samuel L. Jackson as he portrayed Ordell Robbie. His dialogue was delivered naturally and believably. His swearing wasn’t forced at all. He carried himself like the crime lord he was supposed to be. The audience will either be intimidated or thoroughly entertained by Mr. Jackson’s antics (why not both?). However, one of the biggest criticisms this movie got was how frequently the N-word was used by him. To those critics, I say chill out. Quentin Tarantino didn’t write it in the script so many times because he wanted to push a racist agenda. In the criminal underworld, it sounds completely natural, especially coming out of Samuel L. Jackson’s mouth at a hundred miles per hour. This is one instance in cinema history where it’s cool to root for the villain.

Speaking of dialogue, that happens to be one of Quentin Tarantino’s strong suits as a filmmaker and it shows in this movie. While Samuel L. Jackson stole the show, every other cast member could be credited with bringing a believable story to life with their dialogue alone. It could be Pam Grier talking about getting old and starting over again. It could be Bridget Fonda having a casual chitchat with Robert De Niro. It could be Robert Forster talking about how much he hates his job (while still delivering his dialogue like a true professional bondsman). Whether it’s mundane conversation or it actually advances the story, you’ll want to keep your ears open the whole way throughout this movie. It certainly makes up for the oftentimes slow action sequences in between.

If I have one criticism for this movie, it’s that the storyline mechanics were hard to piece together at times. I’m not talking about the audience constantly guessing who Jackie Brown is going to double-cross, that part I’m okay with. I’m talking about keeping up with how the final transaction of Mexican money is supposed to go down. I’m talking about all the ways it went wrong. I’m talking about the climax of the movie and why it couldn’t have happened sooner. I understand that Quentin Tarantino loves his complex storylines, but too much complexity can take the audience out of the viewing experience, especially if things don’t click together by the end credits. But this is a minor criticism at best, so don’t let it discourage you from watching this movie.

I’ve always known that Quentin Tarantino was a master storyteller the minute I watched Pulp Fiction. Watching his other movies, this one included, proves his mantle over and over again. Jackie Brown didn’t feel formulaic. It felt fresh and new despite the fact that it was released in 1997. I hope to one day watch Mr. Tarantino’s entire collection of movies and give them all high praise. But for tonight, Jackie Brown gets a solid four out of five stars.

"Deadly Storm" by Richard Castle

BOOK TITLE: Deadly Storm

AUTHOR: Richard Castle

YEAR: 2011

GENRE: Graphic Novel

SUBGENRE: Crime Fiction

GRADE: Mixed

Derrick Storm is a smalltime private investigator whose recent assignment opens up an entire world of conspiracies involving money transfers and rogue CIA agents. The case starts off with Derrick spying on a cheating husband in a trailer park and continues with calls from CIA Agent Clara Strike wanting to hire him for a bigger job. Derrick is continually backed into a corner every time he thinks he’s in the clear, yet he figures out creative ways to get himself out of these sticky situations. Can he put the finishing touches on this case or will these rogue CIA agents disappear without a trace forever?

I’ve read a lot of crime fiction in my day and I’ve also watched a lot of police procedurals on TV. I know the formulas they use inside and out, front to back, and side to side. While I can’t piece together every single part of the formula, I do know that this graphic novel follows it down to the last detail. It depends on the formula so much that it becomes just another crime story rather than sticking out from the pack. It was enjoyable for what it was, but I’ve seen this scenario play out over and over again with other books and TV shows. Nothing about this graphic novel was original, but I still liked reading it. To put it mildly, this graphic novel was just plain fine. Not great, not terrible, just fine. Mediocre at best.

I wanted to give this book a higher grade when I read the opening line: “I’m not exactly an expert on what functioning adults do.” I know it’s unrealistic to expect that the opening line from every single likeable book should hook the reader instantly, but this is one of those rare occasions when it does. It had so much potential to show how messed up Derrick Storm really is. But sadly, I never got to see much of that beyond him joking about how his dad messed him up for life. In other words, he told the audience rather than showed them, which is a huge no-no in the writing business. Sure, he has nice one-liners here and there, but then again, so do a lot of hardboiled detectives. What makes Derrick Storm special? I can’t think of anything, really.

And while we’re on the topic of failed attempts to be original and cool, let’s talk about the names of the characters for a moment. We already know the main character’s name is Derrick Storm. We also know that his CIA handler is named Clara Strike. But did you also know that the trailer park prostitute is named Sassy Monroe (that’s a pseudonym, believe it or not)? I appreciate solid over-the-top names in my literature, but not when they’re so obvious that it becomes pretentious after a while. I’m not saying they should have boring names, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a middle ground between boring and over-the-top that would be suitable in a crime fiction setting. This is not it.

I’ve been pretty hard in judging this graphic novel, but don’t think for a moment that it wouldn’t make a nice gift for the mystery-lover in your life. It’s a quick read, it’s pieced together without any continuity issues, and it has all the whistles and bells that any detective story needs. If I hadn’t memorized this formula already, I might have a higher appreciation for it. But as it is, a mediocre graphic novel gets a mediocre mixed grade from me.

"Fang and Claw" by Markie Madden

BOOK TITLE: Fang and Claw: Undead Unit 1

AUTHOR: Markie Madden

YEAR: 2015

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Paranormal Crime Drama

GRADE: Pass

In a future where undead creatures pass as everyday citizens, vampire detective Lacey Anderson has been assigned a new partner in the form of werewolf Colton Scarber. Vampires and werewolves are natural enemies, but Lacey takes it to an even more personal level seeing as how her family was murdered by a pack of werewolves when she was little. Lacey and Colton have a hard time seeing eye-to-eye, but they must learn to coexist when a string of assaults and rapes plague their hometown of Dallas, Texas. The two detectives agree that these crimes were committed by the same suspect, but proving it to a judge and jury is an uphill task where cooperation is paramount to success.

Markie Madden’s extensive knowledge of the law and police procedure is so evident in this novel that it resembles an episode of Law & Order, NCIS, The Shield, or any other cop drama on TV. Lacey Anderson has a striking resemblance to Olivia Benson from Law & Order: SVU when it comes to her professionalism and the tender way she deals with rape victims. Colton Scarber, on the other hand, resembles Vic Mackey from The Shield with his passionate outbursts and triggered anger, though Colton has slightly more respect for the law than Mackey ever could (even if procedure can be a pain in the ass sometimes). The DNA testing, the interview questions, interrogation tactics, and even something as basic as paperwork have all the intricate details of a well-crafted crime drama. My only question is, when will Dick Wolf or Donald Bellasario order a TV series for this novel?

Everything flowed so naturally in this book that Colton’s behavior in the early portions of the story took me off balance. Werewolves, by their very nature, have rage issues which prompted laws that required their race to take anger management classes. That part is understandable. What I don’t understand is why Colton has to whine and complain about doing menial tasks like internet searches, paperwork, or witness interviews. It’s not like Lacey is asking him to join a Bosnian death squad and slay children; she’s asking him to do basic police chores that will only take a small amount of time to complete. At this point, I chalk it up to immaturity rather than rage. But since this behavior doesn’t last long and more of Colton’s professional nature starts to reveal itself near the middle of the novel, this isn’t a huge knock against the book and won’t devalue the passing grade it receives. This flaw is just worth noting, that’s all.

As far as other details go, there are a few minor grammatical errors (she spells “did” without an I at one point), but not enough to take the reader out of the story. The calm way the police psychologist Marcell was portrayed is every bit as convincing as the police themselves. Lacey’s trauma of losing her family to a werewolf attack is also realistic since she has pent up anger and night terrors to go with it. Her fear of heights can be vicariously felt through the reader, especially near the end when it matters the most. Genre-wise, the police drama elements are more prominent than the paranormal ones. I would have liked to see the racism elements played up a little more, but that probably won’t happen since undead creatures are everyday citizens. Yep, that’s all I have to say for now.

All in all, there’s not a whole lot to complain about when it comes to Fang and Claw. If you do have any complaints, they’ll be quickly usurped by the intense and compelling story that’s unfolding before your very eyes. I highly recommend this book to anybody who loves both the paranormal and crime genres. The reading is easy on the eyes and will bring you to the edge of your seat as the story draws to its conclusion. A passing grade will go to a fine piece of literature like Fang and Claw! Congratulations on knocking it out of the park, Markie!

"The Blade Itself" by Marcus Sakey

BOOK TITLE: The Blade Itself

AUTHOR: Marcus Sakey

YEAR: 2007

GENRE: Fiction

SUBGENRE: Crime Drama

GRADE: Pass

Seven years ago in the darkest parts of Chicago, Irish thugs Danny Carter and Evan McGann attempt to rob a pawn shop only to get caught by the owner. Evan murders the owner in cold blood while Danny runs away from the scene to avoid getting arrested. Evan takes the fall and winds up in a maximum-security jail. Fast forward to the present day and Danny has a new life for himself: a construction job, a beautiful girlfriend, and cozy living arrangements. When Evan gets out of jail for “good behavior”, he begins stalking Danny and muscling him into doing one more job at the threat of killing his loved ones. Danny wants to keep his normal life, but knows that he’s running out of options when it comes to helping Evan get one last score.

In order to get as good as he is at writing crime fiction, Marcus Sakey shadowed police detectives and conducted his research up close. The effort put into such research is evident in “The Blade Itself”. Mr. Sakey knows all of the angles and limitations a criminal or cop has to go through just to get by. He knows when it’s appropriate to do one thing and when it’s best just to hang back. As he states multiple times in the story, this isn’t like a cop drama on TV. There are no easy solutions in the criminal underworld. Danny Carter constantly finds himself getting trapped in his situation with Evan and is desperate to try anything. He can’t go to the cops, he can’t confront Evan himself, and he can’t rely on anyone else to help him. Danny is truly on his own and he’s going to need every bit of street smarts to get himself out of this mess. The sense of impending doom is every bit as realistic as it is genius storytelling.

Let’s talk about Evan McGann for a minute. His characterization as a hardened criminal with bulging muscles, a swift mind, and nasty dialogue is legitimately terrifying to think about. The way he talks about “prison queers” is unsettling, especially considering he breaks into Danny’s apartment uninvited and tells him all about it. Evan truly has all of the cards in this game whether it’s political leverage or physical brutality. That makes him a main villain to be taken seriously. One wrong move around him could mean one more dead body to leave in his wake. He’s not just a big bulky guy with Golden Gloves experience: Evan McGann is a psychopathic monster. He keeps his cool while terrorizing Danny and his loved ones; that makes him even scarier than he needs to be.

Lastly, I’d like to talk about the writing style Marcus Sakey employs. Yes, the story moves at a brisk pace, but he still takes the time to be as descriptive as possible. Every punch to the ribs, every psychological trauma, every sour feeling in Danny’s stomach, the reader feels all of that while getting treated to street smart and vulgar dialogue. There’s even one time in the book where Marcus refers to Evan as “The Architect of Danny’s sorrow.” There’s another time where Mr. Sakey refers to Danny as “The Engineer of his boss’s suffering”. The author doesn’t overdo it with these wonderful descriptions, but it’s just enough to keep the reader imprisoned in this violent and frightening world, much like the way Evan McGann was imprisoned in a maximum-security jail for seven centuries, I mean, seven years.

The Blade Itself is realistic, crafty, violent, and smoothly-paced. There’s not a whole lot more you could ask for in a wonderfully-written book like this. Nothing seems out of place, no stone is left unturned, and no death or assault will be in vain, neither will the tears shed nor the trauma experienced from those violent acts. Danny is an imperfect hero, Evan is a smothering villain, and everybody else’s lives are placed in both of their hands, for better or worse. A passing grade shall go to this awesomely-crafted piece of crime fiction that keeps you guessing what’ll happen and reaching for solutions until the end.