Ray Parker, Jr. vs. Louis C.K.: Who You Gonna Call? My Lawyer!

 

Tiffany Smiley: Ironic Last Name For Someone Who Shouldn't Smile in Defeat

 

Shayna Baszler vs. J. Edgar Hoover: Untapped Potential

 

Serial Contrarian

VERSE 1: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Listen up, my opinions are the only ones worth having

I’m taking off the kid gloves, we don’t need the extra padding

Your favorite show sucks, it only made a hundred bucks

Your favorite album’s trash, it’s not worth the change and cash

Your favorite food is ass, it takes a million years to pass

World’s first anal stone, it’ll break your tailbone

You can’t walk away from a friendly debate

Or else you’re the one who’s fascist and full of all the hate

 

CHORUS 1: ME

Serial contrarians are no different from the Aryans

We can’t have nice things, ‘cause we’re ruled by kings

Can’t I have five minutes where you shut the fuck up?

I’d probably get five seconds with my kind of luck

 

VERSE 2: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Audiobooks don’t count, because you can’t see the words

They’re like campfire stories, in case you haven’t heard

I’m not trying to be ableist, that’s why I like AI

‘Cause we all know the dunderheads never score high

 

CHORUS 2: ME

Serial contrarians are filled up with arrogance

Just leave my stuff alone, ‘cause it’s where I call home

Can’t I have a moment so that I can sit and think?

I’m just buying time until you push me to the brink

 

VERSE 3: SERIAL CONTRARIAN

Unpack your bags and get out of the Uber

Did you forget that I’m famous and a powerful YouTuber?

If you break up with me, you violate the First Amendment

Court of public opinion, you’re the obvious defendant

I’ll make a thousand hit pieces and rack up ad money

Until you come back, kiss my cheek, call me honey

You’re more likely to come packing a loaded 45

I brushed up on Algospeak, now my ass is unalived

 

CHORUS 3: ME

Serial contrarians are just techno-libertarians

And now they’re all cancelled for being big assholes

They’ll never change their ways, so it’s time to walk away

With my head held high as I flip the bird goodbye

Serial contrarians are ripping out their hair again

They can keep from turning pink if they’d just see a shrink

But therapy is heresy, at least that’s what they’ll say

So they walk among the sheep and let out a loud bray

Lauren Kennedy West: a Schizophrenia Survivor Who Sounds Like Canada's Version of MAHA

 

Mike Johnson: Speaker of the (Nut) House

 

Sam I Am: Would You Eat Green Eggs Off His Nuts? Would You Eat Them Off His Putz?

 

Josh Hokit: the Delightful Douche at UFC White House Who Let Michelle Obama Live Rent Free in His Head

 

Cesar Chavez: Right Message, Wrong Messenger (Rest in Piss, You Pervert)

 

You Can't #SayHerName If Nobody Remembers What the Fuck It Is (Rest in Piss, Cracker)

 

Michael Bolton X My Darkest Days: "Time, Love, and Titty Sex"

 

The Hodge Twits, I Mean, The Hodge Twins: Of Course Their Names Are Keith and Kevin, DUH!

 

Marina Shafir: The Heart and Soles of AEW

 

Lars Sullivan: Another Ex-WWE Loser Trying to Get Back in the Spotlight by Saying Stupid Shit Online

 

Rest in Peace, George Tiller, For the Only Thing You Killed Was Conservatives' Fragile Egos

 

Amanda Nunes vs. Colby Covington: What Are You Waiting For, Dana White? Permission From Your Orange Daddy?

 

Alan Harper vs. Lee Greenwood: One and a Quarter Men

 

David Aceveda from The Shield: Captain of The Barn, Which Is Full of Pigs

 

Byron Hadley from Shawshank Redemption: Captain of the Guards, Master of Phil Labonte's Lower Intestines

 

Braun Strowman: Stop Being a Prick and Get a Prick in Your Arm

 

Soulbunni: Ultimate Infighting Champion

 

Jesse Young: Another Right-Wing Loser from Washington State

 

Rick Kuss: Some Hyperlocal Politics for You Washingtonians Out There

 

How Are Those Egg Prices Working Out for You, MAGA?

 

Dacryphilia

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

 

VERSE 1

The manliest men talking male suicides

Like they themselves got nothing dirty to hide

Vulnerability don’t jive well with the muscles

And the bushiest beards and the work culture hustle

Macho madness is the number one killer

Of lonely men who feel like background filler

All you have to do is reach out for help

Provided you have good insurance for health

 

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

 

VERSE 2

The womanly women have permission to sob

Then get threatened and bullied by the right-wing mob

It was never about having a monopoly on tears

It was about who was better at weaponizing fears

Insecure men pull a gun or a knife

When the balance of power slides over to their wives

Or any woman with a little bit of independence

Male judges make sure the killer gets a light sentence

 

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

 

VERSE 3

Do you envy the enby when they have the narrative?

Is it a blow to your ego? Are you a macho embarrassment?

Didn’t you learn in school that you had to share your toys?

Or did you dodge accountability like “boys will be boys”?

You throw all the punches and you call yourself the victim

When the ladies you decked have concussed double vision

When the other genders are too afraid to talk to the cops

Drag the world down so you can be the one on top

 

CHORUS

You look cute when you’re crying

When you’re contemplating dying

When there’s no point in trying

When the world thinks you’re lying

Every plea for help sounds like sucking helium

In the pervert industry, it’s called dacryphilia

Lyndin Wheatstone, Innkeeper and Wheatstone Patriarch from "The King Smells Like Formaldehyde"

 

Luigi DiAngelo, Marigold's Grandfather from "Emilio & Marigold"

 

Lorraine Longo, Paiten's Sexual Harasser from "My Favorite Magazine"

 

The Necromancer from Diablo II vs. Diamond from Diamond & Silk: No Rest for the Wicked

 

Llewellyn Xavier, Elven Queen from "Savage Beatings" and "Beautiful Monster"

 

Chef Tova vs. Myron Gaines from Fresh & Fit: Happy Men's Mental Health Awareness Month!

 

Mark Shapiro: No Relation to Ben, But You'd Be Forgiven If You Thought Otherwise

 

The Hot Violinist vs. Kim Davis: The REAL Bowling Green Massacre

 

Yogi Oabs: Be Careful What You Wish For, Because You Just Might Catch It

 

Dinesh D'Souza (Drawing on My Birthday? Hell Yeah I Am!)

 

Jerry Sandusky: When He Needs Every Staff Member Available, He Says, "All Hands on Dick, I Mean, Deck!"

 

Yvette the Maid Is Here to Bring You Sex Positivity

 

Rush Limbaugh: His Mouth Was Good for Two Things and One of Them Was Spreading Conservative BS